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Old 12-03-2009, 07:58 PM   #76
equalsfour?
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by anthony17 View Post
basically after someone is tilting/awful and gets super lucky in a huge pot my friend sometimes says "this mans trying to go broke but the deck wont let him". live games of course
gold, absolute gold.
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Old 12-03-2009, 08:04 PM   #77
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

I use to play at this casino and they had "clever" names for their food on the menu. It was all poker oriented names. One sandwich was named The Dirty Stack...and this really funny old guy ordered it. Apparently, it wasn't very good, and he said "The Dirty Stack? More like The Dirty Snatch".
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Old 12-03-2009, 08:15 PM   #78
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Told to me at Harrah's by some lady about 50, "What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?" (Gang rape)
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Old 12-03-2009, 08:28 PM   #79
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

I'm in a 12 dollar sngo last night and there is this total donkey at the table and a total crackpot, he spewing all his ridiculous theories like, "If you reshove after taking a bad beat and get it all in preflop, your gonna win, i also have another theory where AJ is a really good hand on this site", and after about 15 minutes of this, me and some other guys were like, is this guy for real? is anyone paying attention to him, and one guy is like, "i have a theory where your ******ed," so any ways, the next hand after he says that, the donkey says, "okay watch you guys" and shoves, he gets called by AK and K10 and he shows AJ and flops broadway, the table burst into laughter. Just how it all played out was absolutely hilarious. Hes spamming chat with, "I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU", it was amazing.
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Old 12-03-2009, 08:30 PM   #80
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

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Originally Posted by Manimal 42 View Post
I can't recreate the deadpan deliver or perfect timing of this but I still laugh.

At the 2+2 party for the WSOP, I managed to get on a table with Shawn Deeb and several otehr players about 900x's above my level but we were playing 2-4 limit of wacked out mixed games. One game was 2nd best Hold-Em, where, as you'd guess, the 2nd best hand wins.

I was outside the poker room for a smoke in a random conversation with someone and when I told him about that game he said, 'Should be easy to win. Just play your normal game."
This isn't getting enough love IMO
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Old 12-03-2009, 08:51 PM   #81
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Extrix View Post
I'm in a 12 dollar sngo last night and there is this total donkey at the table and a total crackpot, he spewing all his ridiculous theories like, "If you reshove after taking a bad beat and get it all in preflop, your gonna win, i also have another theory where AJ is a really good hand on this site", and after about 15 minutes of this, me and some other guys were like, is this guy for real? is anyone paying attention to him, and one guy is like, "i have a theory where your ******ed," so any ways, the next hand after he says that, the donkey says, "okay watch you guys" and shoves, he gets called by AK and K10 and he shows AJ and flops broadway, the table burst into laughter. Just how it all played out was absolutely hilarious. Hes spamming chat with, "I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU", it was amazing.
lol
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Old 12-03-2009, 08:51 PM   #82
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

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Originally Posted by jetsg4 View Post
i could beat you heads up over the phone and i'll even let you deal.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Manimal 42 View Post
One game was 2nd best Hold-Em, where, as you'd guess, the 2nd best hand wins.

I was outside the poker room for a smoke in a random conversation with someone and when I told him about that game he said, 'Should be easy to win. Just play your normal game."
These two are awesome.
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:35 PM   #83
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Chatty, but nitty guy at the table doubles up three times in the space of 5 hands ...

He looks up grinning and says .. "Call me Sesame Seed ................ I'm on a roll"
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Old 12-03-2009, 09:36 PM   #84
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Extrix View Post
I'm in a 12 dollar sngo last night and there is this total donkey at the table and a total crackpot, he spewing all his ridiculous theories like, "If you reshove after taking a bad beat and get it all in preflop, your gonna win, i also have another theory where AJ is a really good hand on this site", and after about 15 minutes of this, me and some other guys were like, is this guy for real? is anyone paying attention to him, and one guy is like, "i have a theory where your ******ed," so any ways, the next hand after he says that, the donkey says, "okay watch you guys" and shoves, he gets called by AK and K10 and he shows AJ and flops broadway, the table burst into laughter. Just how it all played out was absolutely hilarious. Hes spamming chat with, "I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU", it was amazing.
LOL Jokerstars im assuming
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Old 12-03-2009, 10:01 PM   #85
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Maybe not intentional but...

typical 1/2 donkfest, sitting around. The dealers a bright guy, few people are bull****ting about football. Someone mentions Ladanian Tomlinson and the fact that he's injured.

"Yeah, I think he's injured"

"I think he tore his labia, right?"

Dealer: "Yes, he definitely pulled his labia"

I give a strange look to the second guy and make eye contact with the dealer. We both giggle like little girls.
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Old 12-03-2009, 10:07 PM   #86
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Conz View Post
you may find this racist, but whatever

i was at the Borgata and there were 3 jewish kids at the table next to me wearing yamakas, i of course being the piece of crap that i am said "huh, must be a capped game"

thank you and good night (didnt want to open the thread with this)

i...lol'd
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Old 12-03-2009, 10:09 PM   #87
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

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Originally Posted by ROADHEAD View Post
Told to me at Harrah's by some lady about 50, "What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?"
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Old 12-03-2009, 11:23 PM   #88
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

British player Barry Neville was once playing on a table with a guy who was making comments about his weight. Barry's response was to say to the guy

"Do you know why I'm so fat? It's because every time I **** your wife, she gives me a biscuit."
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Old 12-03-2009, 11:24 PM   #89
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

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Originally Posted by playitlikeaset View Post
live donkament in montreal, some idiots raise and the flop is aax bet by original raiser and other fish just calls turn is another ace. bet and then a min raise by the fish, min re raise by opener and so on they get it all in one guy had KK and the other has AQ. kk guy says

"what a cooler".
And this is funny why?
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Old 12-03-2009, 11:45 PM   #90
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

playing with a good ol' boy, about 60, full on farmer in Tunica, MS. He was having an awful run and had two great lines, one "if it was raining pussies, I'd get hit with a dick", and "if i grew pumpkins, they'd cancel Halloween".

Also in Tunica, playing stud, dealer dealt a guy 6969 as his upcards and announced it as "dinner for four".
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Old 12-03-2009, 11:52 PM   #91
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

At my WSOP main event day 1 table, a player sat down 2 hours late with a book. He proceeded to read the novel while folding every hand that came around to him. After an hour of folding, he put the book down, two hands later he bluffed away his 300ish bb stack and busto'ed from the torunament.

The guy sitting to my left looked up told him "maybe you should have kept reading that book." I spit up my coffee all over the table, lol.
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Old 12-04-2009, 12:35 AM   #92
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Conz View Post
you may find this racist, but whatever

i was at the Borgata and there were 3 jewish kids at the table next to me wearing yamakas, i of course being the piece of crap that i am said "huh, must be a capped game"

thank you and good night (didnt want to open the thread with this)
awesome
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Old 12-04-2009, 12:38 AM   #93
The Deuce II
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by roundroom View Post
After some hand this guy tabled Q3 offsuit. Another guy remarked "San Francisco Waiter, Queen with a tray"
If we're talking funny hand names...

Siegfried and Roy? Queens obv
Flat tire? What's a Jack-4?
F***ing the King? What's a Queen-4?

But the absolute best?
The molester? Jackson-5
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Old 12-04-2009, 12:55 AM   #94
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Funny lines?

Our local donkey called another big bet with 3-2 and after the hand amdmitted to being on "a low pair draw."

Or,...the donkey who called a player down with 6 high because he "thought he was bluffing."

Or,...the stranger who sat and was asked how he was doing.
"Terrible," he said with a dejected tone. "My girlfriend called me a pedophile."
The table was silent for a moment.
"So I told her, that's an awfully big word for a 13-year-old."
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Old 12-04-2009, 01:00 AM   #95
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Ooo...now the're coming to me.

I once saw an older player think about calling an all-in on a T-T-Q-Q board.
He finally called and turned over pocket 3s saying "You gotta gamble."
He lost.
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Old 12-04-2009, 02:05 AM   #96
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

all of these happened within a 24 hour period.....

1. at final table of the 15k five diamond tourney 2 years ago with 9 left, raymond davis pulls out a pack of gum, takes out a piece and puts it in his mouth. devilfish on the other side of the table says "hey ray can i have a piece of gum?" ray laughing throws the pack over and says "yeah, your breath stinks devilfish" devilfish cracks a smile and says "if you ate half as much pussy as i did your breath would stink too"

2. before the 6handed final table, kimberly lansing was conducting some interviews. she said something along the lines of "well ive got my fingers crossed for you devilfish" devilfish replied with something along the lines of "i hope youll be uncrossing your legs for me"

3. later that night while walking through the casino, devilfish ran into lizzy harrison who was playing with her cameraman danny's 3 year old kid on the ground. devilfish walks by and says "ive been waiting years to get you on your knees baby"


cheers to the dirtiest, most foulmouthed and immoral man to ever grace the felt
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Old 12-04-2009, 08:55 AM   #97
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Guess you had to be there but...
Home game full of regulars, 1/2 PLO. Dealer/host/locksmith checks on the river when a flush card hits on the paired board. Action playa, on my left, excited to hit his hand announces "pot" trying to sound casual. Mr. L Smith, actually being casual, reraises "pot". Action glumly calls and tables his losing nut flush. Mr. Smith tables top boat and rakes pot.

I turn to my left and ask "didn't you hear the rattle?", totally spontaneous, entire table falls out. Like I said you had to be there.

AW
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Old 12-04-2009, 09:11 AM   #98
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnneFranks_DrumKit View Post
it's blood, you can be jewish and not religious...so yeah, race isnt only skin colour.
[x] incredible life fail

Last edited by RodriguezFatz; 12-04-2009 at 09:39 AM.
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Old 12-04-2009, 09:13 AM   #99
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

"If you're IQ were two points higher then you'd be a plant"
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Old 12-04-2009, 10:05 AM   #100
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Andrew Lichtenberger: "If I wear my hat backwards, will it make me look like a badass?"

Phil Ivey: "... Nothing you do will make you look badass."

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