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Old 11-17-2009, 03:57 AM   #51
SeraphimVulture
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Was playing in a very tight low-limit stud game at a local dog track a few years ago, and I noticed everyone folded on 3rd if the high card raised unless they had something rolled up or a huge draw. I get dealt an Ace up with nothing in the hole, raised it up and of course they fold. An older guy with an accent laughs at me and says "What you thinkin'? We all know what you have, you so easy!" In an act of weakness (I never show my hand these days, but his laughter was so annoying), I flipped my hand up. He starts laughing harder and says "You a horrible, horrible player! My mother could beat you off all night!" In hearing this, all us normal English-speaking players immediately look up at each other, pause for two seconds, and burst out laughing. Guy has no idea and thinks we're laughing at his funny little insult, and the game continues on.
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Old 11-17-2009, 03:51 PM   #52
Duck Duck Deuce
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeraphimVulture View Post
Was playing in a very tight low-limit stud game at a local dog track a few years ago, and I noticed everyone folded on 3rd if the high card raised unless they had something rolled up or a huge draw. I get dealt an Ace up with nothing in the hole, raised it up and of course they fold. An older guy with an accent laughs at me and says "What you thinkin'? We all know what you have, you so easy!" In an act of weakness (I never show my hand these days, but his laughter was so annoying), I flipped my hand up. He starts laughing harder and says "You a horrible, horrible player! My mother could beat you off all night!" In hearing this, all us normal English-speaking players immediately look up at each other, pause for two seconds, and burst out laughing. Guy has no idea and thinks we're laughing at his funny little insult, and the game continues on.
I lol'd. This reminds me of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6SQqazrNY4. FF to about 2:18.
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Old 11-17-2009, 05:11 PM   #53
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Playing Omaha 8, so I was the youngest one at the table by 40 years. One old man (maybe 70 yr old) is eating a sandwich and winds up with some mayonnaise on the side of his mouth. Another old guy about the same age looks at him and with a really slow, Texas drawl says "Jerry, you look like you been on a date."
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Old 11-17-2009, 05:54 PM   #54
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Live game at commerce

I 3 bet all in with AKos against some guy

guy stares at me through some stupid nicole ritchie glasses and after a minute of thinking says "I know you have AK- I call"

He flips over AJos and spikes a J on the flop of course
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Old 11-17-2009, 06:05 PM   #55
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

The other day I was playing online in a 6-max tournament and I was kind of tilted from a beat on a different table. I get 33 and call a small raise. Flop is like J65r. He bets, I call. Turn is a T. He bets, I call. River is a 3. He bet all-in, I call. He starts going crazy in the chat box like, "how can you call", "that's horrible, there is no way you can call". I tell him "I knew it was coming". He get's pissed.

Then, I get on a sick heater after a string of horrible preflop calls; flopping trips with like T4o and flushes with 73. The guy now starts telling me he thinks I'm a superuser and he has proof of it and that he is going to report me.
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Old 11-17-2009, 06:28 PM   #56
faarcyde
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

"So sick"

Anytime this is used at the poker table by anybody
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Old 11-17-2009, 06:38 PM   #57
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThePokerFink2 View Post
This is prolly one of those 'you had to be there' stories but I'll tell it anyway and hopefully you'll think it's funny. I nearly had to leave the table I was laughing so hard.

Std 2/5 game, guy raises to $25 in EP and gets like 5 callers then someone reraises to $160ish. Folds back to a guy who just called the raise and has like like $150 to start the hand so the call would be an all in for him. He has been tank/folding for the whole session the whole table already knew we were going to be waiting like 45-60 seconds before he folds. The raiser starts needling him after like 10 seconds "Come on we know you're gonna fold just fold your hand" and then after 30 seconds he spite calls. HU.

Board comes out: A78K9
3-bettor Tables his AK and says "Two pair"
Caller shows TJo for a straight.

3-bettor gets furious and goes off on him "How can you call, that's so bad" etc. etc. This goes on for about a minute, and over the next 5 minutes is still making comments and the table is telling him to calm down already and it's enough.

Finally after 10 minutes of hearing this guy complain, another guy at the table says to him "You almost beat him too, you had two pair !"

(I know it prolly wasn't that funny reading it, but the whole table burst into laughter !)
this is actually amazing.
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Old 11-17-2009, 08:12 PM   #58
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Not live, nosebleeds on full tilt:

John Juanda and some nosebleeds reg were doing run-it-twice PLO flips when he wrote something like this in chat:

John Juanda: For the railbirds that are wondering, we run it twice to minimize the luck aspect
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Old 11-17-2009, 08:15 PM   #59
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LBC213 View Post
I wouldn't say Jews are a race
it's blood, you can be jewish and not religious...so yeah, race isnt only skin colour.
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Old 11-17-2009, 08:35 PM   #60
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Borg with RW, called him an internet donk. He played like one too
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:31 PM   #61
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

grimstarr jokes crack me up
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:39 PM   #62
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ICallHimGamblor View Post
Playing Omaha 8, so I was the youngest one at the table by 40 years. One old man (maybe 70 yr old) is eating a sandwich and winds up with some mayonnaise on the side of his mouth. Another old guy about the same age looks at him and with a really slow, Texas drawl says "Jerry, you look like you been on a date."
never underestimate the old man's ability to be just as dirty as the young man.
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Old 11-17-2009, 10:05 PM   #63
DrTchocky
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Kid raises EP and middle-aged guy wearing a fleece jacket, sunglasses, and a cap calls. The kid says, " I didn't want you to call I'm scared of you."
Kids friend says only loud enough for us to hear, "Cause he looks like he's blind?"

I lol'd
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Old 11-17-2009, 10:13 PM   #64
Nezh
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Conclusion: little funny **** is said at the poker table?
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Old 11-17-2009, 10:39 PM   #65
SexiLexi
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

nanonoko: raises $8 to $12
uk_djerba: folds
mugsyjets: calls $8
*** FLOP *** [7c Qs 2h]
mugsyjets: bets $20
nanonoko: raises $506.25 to $526.25 and is all-in
mugsyjets said, "u beat AQ?"
mugsyjets said, "wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
mugsyjets: calls $409 and is all-in
*** TURN *** [7c Qs 2h] [6c]
*** RIVER *** [7c Qs 2h 6c] [Ac]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
mugsyjets: shows [As Qc] (two pair, Aces and Queens)
nanonoko: shows [5c Jc] (a flush, Ace high)
nanonoko collected $882 from pot

mugsyjets: what a fcuking joke
mugsyjets: stupid fcuking moron
mugsyjets: youre a fcuking stupid kunt, fish
mugsyjets: runner runner flush
mugsyjets: fcuk you kunt
mugsyjets: speak up dikhead
Mooshoo: he's repping the jackson five
Mooshoo: don't hate
mugsyjets: stupid fcuking ****
mugsyjets: god damn slope
mugsyjets: fcuking jokerstars rewards morons like you is whats funny
mugsyjets: say something you gutless poussy
nanonoko: hello sir
mugsyjets: your play was so obvious you hAD nothing
micutu17: i would love to punch in the mouth whoever built the system
micutu17: def a sick *******
micutu17: always rewards fish
nanonoko: fishes call
nanonoko: hence you are the fish and i'm not
mugsyjets: fishes call???????????? thats what u say?
mugsyjets: i had you KILLED u fcuking moron
nanonoko: don't you know fishes love to call?
mugsyjets: it was an obvious steal with that overbet and now u are criticizing my play?????????????
mugsyjets: youre a fcuking joke
nanonoko: the say the best players are the ones who puts a man to a decision for all of his chips
mugsyjets: LMAO
mugsyjets: you must be another stupid fcuking asian
micutu17: lol
mugsyjets: u did and i read you perfectly
mugsyjets: fcuking donk
nanonoko: BTW
nanonoko: i am NANONOKO

Dealer: mugsyjets has a pair of Kings
Dealer: nanonoko has a pair of Aces
Dealer: Game #15889845865: nanonoko wins pot ($199) with a pair of Aces
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Old 11-17-2009, 10:52 PM   #66
snoopy1239
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

"No, sir, you don't have a flush, one of your cards is a heart."

It was a hilarious when the dealer told me that at the end of a big pot.
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Old 11-17-2009, 11:02 PM   #67
Manimal 42
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

I can't recreate the deadpan deliver or perfect timing of this but I still laugh.

At the 2+2 party for the WSOP, I managed to get on a table with Shawn Deeb and several otehr players about 900x's above my level but we were playing 2-4 limit of wacked out mixed games. One game was 2nd best Hold-Em, where, as you'd guess, the 2nd best hand wins.

I was outside the poker room for a smoke in a random conversation with someone and when I told him about that game he said, 'Should be easy to win. Just play your normal game."
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Old 11-18-2009, 01:03 AM   #68
jetsg4
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

two men around 45ish each were at each other for several hours. they obviously have played with each other a good bit in the past and there isn't any love lost.

one looks to the other and says:

you play so bad, i could beat you heads up over the phone and i'll even let you deal.

it made it even funnier because he stood up and yelled it
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Old 11-18-2009, 01:11 AM   #69
Cobrastyle89
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Conz View Post
i know there was the thread about dumbest comments you've heard, share some of the purposely funny comments you've heard/made.
donk sitting out after bluffing their stack off vs. top set

top set person said: did your dog play that hand for you?

i lol'd..
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Old 11-18-2009, 05:40 PM   #70
Mike Schaeffer
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeraphimVulture View Post
Was playing in a very tight low-limit stud game at a local dog track a few years ago, and I noticed everyone folded on 3rd if the high card raised unless they had something rolled up or a huge draw. I get dealt an Ace up with nothing in the hole, raised it up and of course they fold. An older guy with an accent laughs at me and says "What you thinkin'? We all know what you have, you so easy!" In an act of weakness (I never show my hand these days, but his laughter was so annoying), I flipped my hand up. He starts laughing harder and says "You a horrible, horrible player! My mother could beat you off all night!" In hearing this, all us normal English-speaking players immediately look up at each other, pause for two seconds, and burst out laughing. Guy has no idea and thinks we're laughing at his funny little insult, and the game continues on.
Crying laughing at my desk right now. Amazing.
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Old 12-03-2009, 04:11 PM   #71
kwedaras
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SexiLexi View Post
nanonoko: raises $8 to $12
uk_djerba: folds
mugsyjets: calls $8
*** FLOP *** [7c Qs 2h]
mugsyjets: bets $20
nanonoko: raises $506.25 to $526.25 and is all-in
mugsyjets said, "u beat AQ?"
mugsyjets said, "wtf!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
mugsyjets: calls $409 and is all-in
*** TURN *** [7c Qs 2h] [6c]
*** RIVER *** [7c Qs 2h 6c] [Ac]
*** SHOW DOWN ***
mugsyjets: shows [As Qc] (two pair, Aces and Queens)
nanonoko: shows [5c Jc] (a flush, Ace high)
nanonoko collected $882 from pot

mugsyjets: what a fcuking joke
mugsyjets: stupid fcuking moron
mugsyjets: youre a fcuking stupid kunt, fish
mugsyjets: runner runner flush
mugsyjets: fcuk you kunt
mugsyjets: speak up dikhead
Mooshoo: he's repping the jackson five
Mooshoo: don't hate
mugsyjets: stupid fcuking ****
mugsyjets: god damn slope
mugsyjets: fcuking jokerstars rewards morons like you is whats funny
mugsyjets: say something you gutless poussy
nanonoko: hello sir
mugsyjets: your play was so obvious you hAD nothing
micutu17: i would love to punch in the mouth whoever built the system
micutu17: def a sick *******
micutu17: always rewards fish
nanonoko: fishes call
nanonoko: hence you are the fish and i'm not
mugsyjets: fishes call???????????? thats what u say?
mugsyjets: i had you KILLED u fcuking moron
nanonoko: don't you know fishes love to call?
mugsyjets: it was an obvious steal with that overbet and now u are criticizing my play?????????????
mugsyjets: youre a fcuking joke
nanonoko: the say the best players are the ones who puts a man to a decision for all of his chips
mugsyjets: LMAO
mugsyjets: you must be another stupid fcuking asian
micutu17: lol
mugsyjets: u did and i read you perfectly
mugsyjets: fcuking donk
nanonoko: BTW
nanonoko: i am NANONOKO

Dealer: mugsyjets has a pair of Kings
Dealer: nanonoko has a pair of Aces
Dealer: Game #15889845865: nanonoko wins pot ($199) with a pair of Aces
gold
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Old 12-03-2009, 05:19 PM   #72
hitthedeck
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Perky "air" this goes back n fourth for a full min tll perky starts yellin at dealer to ship reg the pot cause he has air. Dealer starts shipping the pot and perky junps up and throws his cards down and screams "king ball" K4o! He starts doing laps around thge room fist pumping "nutter butters w the king ball".

Story doesn't tell that well, but some of us were crying we were laughing so hard
nice story
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Old 12-03-2009, 06:54 PM   #73
SideshowBobb
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

"exactly like a slot machine"
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Old 12-03-2009, 07:17 PM   #74
anthony17
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

basically after someone is tilting/awful and gets super lucky in a huge pot my friend sometimes says "this mans trying to go broke but the deck wont let him". live games of course
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Old 12-03-2009, 07:34 PM   #75
anthony17
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Re: Funniest joke/line you've heard at a poker table?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jetsg4 View Post
two men around 45ish each were at each other for several hours. they obviously have played with each other a good bit in the past and there isn't any love lost.

one looks to the other and says:

you play so bad, i could beat you heads up over the phone and i'll even let you deal.

it made it even funnier because he stood up and yelled it

hahaha
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