gold, absolute gold.

I use to play at this casino and they had "clever" names for their food on the menu. It was all poker oriented names. One sandwich was named The Dirty Stack...and this really funny old guy ordered it. Apparently, it wasn't very good, and he said "The Dirty Stack? More like The Dirty Snatch".

Told to me at Harrah's by some lady about 50, "What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?" (Gang rape)

I'm in a 12 dollar sngo last night and there is this total donkey at the table and a total crackpot, he spewing all his ridiculous theories like, "If you reshove after taking a bad beat and get it all in preflop, your gonna win, i also have another theory where AJ is a really good hand on this site", and after about 15 minutes of this, me and some other guys were like, is this guy for real? is anyone paying attention to him, and one guy is like, "i have a theory where your ******ed," so any ways, the next hand after he says that, the donkey says, "okay watch you guys" and shoves, he gets called by AK and K10 and he shows AJ and flops broadway, the table burst into laughter. Just how it all played out was absolutely hilarious. Hes spamming chat with, "I TOLD YOU I TOLD YOU", it was amazing.

This isn't getting enough love IMO

lol

These two are awesome.

Chatty, but nitty guy at the table doubles up three times in the space of 5 hands ...

He looks up grinning and says .. "Call me Sesame Seed ................ I'm on a roll"

LOL Jokerstars im assuming

Maybe not intentional but...

typical 1/2 donkfest, sitting around. The dealers a bright guy, few people are bull****ting about football. Someone mentions Ladanian Tomlinson and the fact that he's injured.

"Yeah, I think he's injured"

"I think he tore his labia, right?"

Dealer: "Yes, he definitely pulled his labia"

I give a strange look to the second guy and make eye contact with the dealer. We both giggle like little girls.

i...lol'd

British player Barry Neville was once playing on a table with a guy who was making comments about his weight. Barry's response was to say to the guy

"Do you know why I'm so fat? It's because every time I **** your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

And this is funny why?

playing with a good ol' boy, about 60, full on farmer in Tunica, MS. He was having an awful run and had two great lines, one "if it was raining pussies, I'd get hit with a dick", and "if i grew pumpkins, they'd cancel Halloween".

Also in Tunica, playing stud, dealer dealt a guy 6969 as his upcards and announced it as "dinner for four".

At my WSOP main event day 1 table, a player sat down 2 hours late with a book. He proceeded to read the novel while folding every hand that came around to him. After an hour of folding, he put the book down, two hands later he bluffed away his 300ish bb stack and busto'ed from the torunament.

The guy sitting to my left looked up told him "maybe you should have kept reading that book." I spit up my coffee all over the table, lol.

awesome

If we're talking funny hand names...

Siegfried and Roy? Queens obv
Flat tire? What's a Jack-4?
F***ing the King? What's a Queen-4?

But the absolute best?
The molester? Jackson-5

Funny lines?

Our local donkey called another big bet with 3-2 and after the hand amdmitted to being on "a low pair draw."

Or,...the donkey who called a player down with 6 high because he "thought he was bluffing."

Or,...the stranger who sat and was asked how he was doing.
"Terrible," he said with a dejected tone. "My girlfriend called me a pedophile."
The table was silent for a moment.
"So I told her, that's an awfully big word for a 13-year-old."

Ooo...now the're coming to me.

I once saw an older player think about calling an all-in on a T-T-Q-Q board.
He finally called and turned over pocket 3s saying "You gotta gamble."
He lost.

all of these happened within a 24 hour period.....

1. at final table of the 15k five diamond tourney 2 years ago with 9 left, raymond davis pulls out a pack of gum, takes out a piece and puts it in his mouth. devilfish on the other side of the table says "hey ray can i have a piece of gum?" ray laughing throws the pack over and says "yeah, your breath stinks devilfish" devilfish cracks a smile and says "if you ate half as much pussy as i did your breath would stink too"

2. before the 6handed final table, kimberly lansing was conducting some interviews. she said something along the lines of "well ive got my fingers crossed for you devilfish" devilfish replied with something along the lines of "i hope youll be uncrossing your legs for me"

3. later that night while walking through the casino, devilfish ran into lizzy harrison who was playing with her cameraman danny's 3 year old kid on the ground. devilfish walks by and says "ive been waiting years to get you on your knees baby"


cheers to the dirtiest, most foulmouthed and immoral man to ever grace the felt

Guess you had to be there but...
Home game full of regulars, 1/2 PLO. Dealer/host/locksmith checks on the river when a flush card hits on the paired board. Action playa, on my left, excited to hit his hand announces "pot" trying to sound casual. Mr. L Smith, actually being casual, reraises "pot". Action glumly calls and tables his losing nut flush. Mr. Smith tables top boat and rakes pot.

I turn to my left and ask "didn't you hear the rattle?", totally spontaneous, entire table falls out. Like I said you had to be there.

AW

[x] incredible life fail

"If you're IQ were two points higher then you'd be a plant"

Andrew Lichtenberger: "If I wear my hat backwards, will it make me look like a badass?"

Phil Ivey: "... Nothing you do will make you look badass."