I think the funniest line you could come away with would be if you were at a table with Hellmuth. Good old Uncle Buck :

"Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!"

facing a 345bb shove on the river while having the nuts

I was doing it wrong.

After some hand this guy tabled Q3 offsuit. Another guy remarked "San Francisco Waiter, Queen with a tray"

Neil Channing has quite the way with words

I heard a great line from another table. My good friend Alan Betson had qualified for this tournament online, and although I havn't seem him around much lately I was pleased to see his sense of humour hasn't changed. After another attempted steal raise from him, the American in the blinds, with just a slight lack of subtlety, grabbed a random amount of chips, totalling around half his stack and threw them forward haphazardly as a reraise. Alan raised a quizzical eyebrow and asked:

"Just the one fistful then?"

lol If they dont know what lbw is then I doubt explaining its leg before wicket will shed any light on it

I loved the US sports reporter who was talking to Usain Bolt recently after his Olympics 100m gold/record and he asked who his favourite athlete was, Bolt replied Matthew Hayden the cricketer ... The US sports reporter goes on to ask "Oh, is the the thrower or the hitter?"

^^^ If someone would like to provide a bbv translation then go ahead. I thought there were enough brits/aussies to appreciate it. Also this has been done to death so I'll just pull out random sht.

jew is a race of people...

judaism is a religion

I liked it just didnt think it would get the appreciation it does deserve,

Playing live 50/100nl, I was drinking thus playing everything, called a 3 bet pot with 7/3 off.
Villian is one of those nitty idiots that does nothing but complain about being in front ppre flop and losing on the river etc...

board 3/3/10/6/J

Anyway it all goes in on the flop, I think I had roughly £70 behind, and villian had me slightly covered.
Villian shows A/A then this comedy gold came up...

Villian : 'What are you calling for pre flop?!?!'
Me : 'Had a pair draw'
Villian : 'This is a ****ing joke'

Edit, this line has since cost me a lot of money as I like to call no pair no draw bets on flops, just to try and catch something on the turn or river, that is when the line works best.

I was 21-22 at the Grand in Gulfport MS. I was playing 1-4-8-8 HE and poured a few bad beats on an old man. I'm sure I was being a drunk ass and after one of the beats another old man tells the old man I keep bad beating:

"How can you let a little boy like that beat you over and over? You probably have stains on your sheets older than him."

'You could outdraw Picasso'

(talking about their cards after a hand) "I'll show you mine if you show me yours"

fyp

I wouldn't say Jews are a race

pair draw lmao

I thought it was hilarious, good share.

Funniest joke I've heard at the poker table...

How do you know your roommate is gay?

"Last night, I had a nightmare that I was playing poker against myself."

I know I know hehe.

Dealer: You have been dealt [Ks Kh]
Dealer: C TA Jl b folds
Dealer: Dr Dexterity raises to $0.35
Dealer: casselAA folds
Dealer: Milkcap folds
Dealer: kdusoares stands up
Dealer: PlayItLikeAset raises to $1.10
Dealer: hobbybabone folds
Dealer: pinocho1w folds
Dealer: pinocho1w adds $0.05
Dealer: Cfpahsk folds
Dealer: Cfpahsk adds $0.10
Dealer: Dr Dexterity calls $0.75
Dealer: The flop is [5s 9c 3d]
Dealer: Dr Dexterity checks
Dealer: PlayItLikeAset bets $1.80
Dealer: Dr Dexterity raises to $7.40
Dealer: PlayItLikeAset raises to $9.05, and is all in
Dealer: Dr Dexterity calls $1.65
Dealer: PlayItLikeAset shows [Ks Kh]
Dealer: Dr Dexterity shows [8d 8h]
Dealer: The turn is [Ad]
Dealer: The river is [Js]
Dealer: PlayItLikeAset shows a pair of Kings
Dealer: Dr Dexterity shows a pair of Eights
Dealer: PlayItLikeAset wins the pot ($19.09) with a pair of Kings

Dr Dexterity: wooooow ok cooler again
Dr Dexterity: &&%%ing short stacks &%!! everything up
Dr Dexterity: get some %#&&ing chips u morons
PlayItLikeAset: yea what a cooler
PlayItLikeAset: 100 bb shortstacker so sick
Dr Dexterity: 10 dollars?
Dr Dexterity: whats 10 dollars gonna buy you>
Dr Dexterity: a @$@&ing meal from mds
PlayItLikeAset: dont worry now im a 199bb shorstack
LFO23: lol

Two players get it all in for a big pot, P1 has AA, P2 has AJ. P2 hits gutshot on the river. As he's raking the pot he says, "I just had a feeling on that one."

P1 says without hesitation, "That's just an impending bowel movement."

I was dealing at a home game. One of the players was a friendly guy in a wheel chair. The guy sitting next to him stood up and nearly tripped on the leg of his chair. The crippled guy just looked at him with a straight face and said "That whole walking thing is harder than it looks." I nearly cried I was laughing so hard.

At a brick and mortar and playing with a drunk old guy and he ask me "what did Miney say to Mickey? Im f ucking goofey." It was so random i couldnt stop laughing

A similar joke was already posted, but w/e.

P1 raises and P2 to his left re-raises all in (covers P1). P1 tanks and asks, "do you have a big one?" P2: "You wanna see?" P1: "Show both." P2 stands up from his seat and motions towards his zipper and P2 insta-mucks in disgust and laughter.

Was dealing years ago and heard this one from an old regular. A young guy had been spewing chips and flashed his cards to the regular on the river after his straight draw missed on a flushed paired board and started whining about his bad luck. The regular without missing a beat said "Son, you're like a dog chasing a car." The kid looked at him kinda funny and said "huh?" To which the regular replied, "Even if you catch it, you still don't know how to drive." It took everything I had to not laugh while sitting in the box.