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View Poll Results: WHICH JOEY STORY IS YOUR FAVORITE?
JOEY VS. POKERBABE 118 15.90%
JOEY VS. ALLINBOY 40 5.39%
JOEY VS. DYNASTY 60 8.09%
JOEY VS. JIMBO BRIER 37 4.99%
JOEY VS. MARK 88 11.86%
JOEY VS. MASON MALMUTH 208 28.03%
JOEY VS. ROLF SLOTBOOM 191 25.74%
Voters: 742. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 09-02-2002, 08:40 PM   #1
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THE BEST OF JOEY

HEY WASTES OF SKIN,

I SEE TWOPLUSTWO HAS CHANGED THEIR FORUMS. WELL, CHANGE CAN BE A DISTURBING THING FOR THE IGNORAMACES WHICH POPULATE THE POKER WORLD. DON'T THINK SO? GO TALK TO THE TAXI DRIVERS WHO USED TO PLAY HIGH STAKES LOWBALL. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO NEED THE SOOTHING COMFORT OF THE PAST, I PRESENT THE BEST OF JOEY. I'LL EVEN LET YOU CAST A VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE JOEY STORY. JUST DON'T EXPECT ME TO GIVE A DAMN.



JOEY VS. POKERBABE

TO ALL YOU FAT HUMPS,

MASON HAS CREATED THIS FORUM SO I CAN ENTERTAIN ALL YOU PIGS WITH MY GREAT POKER STORIES SO HERE'S ANOTHER ONE. I'M PLAYING 4-8 AT THE BELLAGIO AND POKERBABE TAKES THE SEAT TO MY LEFT. I SAY "WHAT'S THE MATTER, HONEY? DID YOU GET BUSTED AT THE BIGGER GAMES?" AND LAUGH. I GET DEALT JACK FIVE OFF SUIT AND DECIDE TO TEACH THIS SO CALLED MID LIMIT PLAYER HOW TO REALLY PLAY THE GAME. I RAISE. SHE ROLLS HER EYES AND RERAISES ME. I SMOOTH CALL. THE FLOP COMES KING NINE FIVE. I CHECK, SHE BETS AND I CHECK RAISE HER SAYING "ACE KING NO GOOD, HONEY" SHE CALLS. THE TURNS BRINGS AN ACE AND I BET RIGHT INTO HER. SHE RAISES AND I COME OVER THE TOP. SHE CALLS. THE RIVER CARD COMES ANOTHER FIVE. I BET AND SHE STUPIDLY CALLS ME. I TAKE IT DOWN AND SHE TRYS TO ELICIT SYMPATHY FROM ME BY SHOWING HER ACE KING. I TELL HER SHE DOESN'T BELONG IN THE SAME GAME WITH JOEY. LATER THAT NIGHT WE BUMPED INTO EACH OTHER IN THE PARKING GARAGE. I TELL HER SHE SHOULD PROBABLY BE PLAYING 2-4 OR LOWER IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE HER ENTIRE BANKROLL. THEN SHE SMACKED ME ACROSS THE HEAD AND KICKED ME IN THE GROIN. NEXT THING I KNEW SHE HAD ME BENT OVER THE BACK OF A CAR AND WAS UNDRESSING ME. I'LL HAVE TO PUT THIS NEXT PART DELICATELY- I THEN DISTINCLY FELT MYSELF BEING PENATRATED BY A PLASTIC FOREIGN OBJECT. WHEN SHE WAS DONE, SHE SAYS "WHO'S COMING OVER THE TOP NOW". I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO CALL MYSELF JOEYBITCH FROM NOW ON. I'VE GOT THE LAST LAUGH THOUGH. I'VE GOT HER MONEY. SEE YA AND WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA, YOU FAT HUMPS.

JOEY VS. ALLINBOY

HEY PIGS,

ANOTHER DISGUSTING TOURIST CAME TO LAS VEGAS AND GOT BEAT DOWN BY JOEYBITCH. WHY DO THESE VERMIN EVEN BOTHER TO PLAY IN MY GAME? EVERYDAY I SEE LOWLIFE SCUM THROW THEIR MONEY AWAY HOPELESSLY AT THE POKER TABLES. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A CHANCE AGAINST ME. THIS PARTICULAR TOURIST, LET'S CALL HIM ALLINBOY, HAD A PUTRID SMELL. SOMEONE ELSE AT THE TABLE SAID HE HADN'T SMELLED ANYTHING THAT BAD SINCE HE WAS IN ATLANTIC CITY. ANYWAY, ALLINBOY RAISES FIRST IN ON THE BUTTON. THE SMALL BLIND FOLDS. I'M IN THE BIG BLIND AND SAY "I DON'T ALLOW ATLANTIC CITY SLUGS TO STEAL MY BLINDS" AND THREE BET HIM WITH THREE TWO OF SPADES. HE CALLS. THE FLOP COMES ACE KING QUEEN WITH ONE SPADE. I BET AND HE RAISES WITH A BIG SMILE ON HIS UGLY FACE. I CALL. THE TURN IS THE SEVEN OF SPADES. I CHECK. HE RAISES. I CHECK RAISE AND WE GO TO WAR. HE RERAISES. I RERAISE. HE RERAISES. I RERAISE. HE RERAISES. I SAY "I KNOW WHAT THE RIVER CARD IS GOING TO BE. DO YOU?" AND RERAISE MY LAST EIGHT CHIPS AND GO ALL IN. HE GETS SCARED AND CALLS. THE RIVER COMES A 4 OF SPADES. I SMILE AND TURN OVER MY FLUSH. HE MUCKS JACK TEN OFFSUIT FACE UP. I ASK "WHY WOULD YOU PLAY GARBAGE LIKE THAT AGAINST ME?" HE GETS COMPLETELY PISSED OFF AND CHARGES ME. BEFORE I KNOW IT, HE'S TACKLED ME AND IS BEATING ME HALF SENSLESS. THEN HE TURNS ME OVER AND STRIPS ME NAKED IN FRONT OF EVERYONE IN THE POKER ROOM. NOBODY EVEN TRIED TO STOP HIM. THIS IS WHERE I NEED TO GET DELICATE AGAIN. HE MOUNTED ME AND PROCEEDED TO USE ME THE WAY PRISONERS USE EACH OTHER. EVERYBODY IN THE POKER ROOM JUST STARED AND LAUGHED AS IT WAS HAPPENING. WHEN IT WAS FINALLY OVER HE SMILED AND ASKED ME "WHO WAS ALL IN THAT TIME?" BUT I SMILED LAST WHEN I CASHED IN ALL HIS CHIPS. SEE YA AND WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA, YOU FAT HUMPS.

JOEY VS. DYNASTY

HEY MAGGOTS,

YOU DISGUSTING HUMPS TAKE THIS POKER STUFF MUCH TOO SERIOUSLY. YOU POST YOUR STUPID HANDS, ASK WHAT YOU SHOULD RAISE PREFLOP WITH AND, WORST OF ALL, COMPLAIN ABOUT ALL THE GREAT STORIES JOEY BRINGS TO YOU. GET A LIFE! CAN'T YOU FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE OTHER THAN TALKING TO OTHER DEGENERAGE GAMBLERS? NEVERMIND, ALL YOU SERIOUS HUMPS ARE HOPLESS. THE MOST HOPELESS OF THEM ALL MAY BE DYNASTY. WHY DOES THIS THREE HUNDRED FIFTY POUND ANIMAL THINK THAT ANYBODY CARES ABOUT THE OPINIONS OF SOMEONE WHO IS TOO SCARED TO PLAY WITH THE BIG BOYS? WELL, RECENTLY DYNASTY TRIED TO PLAY WITH THE BIGGEST BOY OF THEM ALL, JOEYBITCH, IN A 4-8 BELLAGIO GAME. DYNASTY SAT ACROSS THE TABLE FROM ME. HE WAS ALREADY SWEATING WHICH IS DANGEROUS BECAUSE WHEN DYNASTY SWEATS, CLARK COUNTY HAS TO ISSUE A FLASH FLOOD WARNING. I SAY TO HIM "HEY, DYNASTY, THIS ISN'T THE MONTE CARLO WITH THOSE $1 AND $2 BLINDS. YOU'LL BE PLAYING FOR BIG POTS NOW." I POINT TO THE $6 OF BLINDS AND SAY "SEE, THAT'S TWICE THE STAKES YOU'RE USED TO PLAYING FOR. HAHAHAHAHAH". HE SWEATS EVEN MORE. I LIMP BLIND UTG. EVERYBODY FOLDS TO DYNASTY WHO LIMPS. THE OTHERS FOLD AND THE BIG BLIND CHECKS. THE FLOP IS SEVEN FOUR TWO WITH TWO HEARTS. BIG BLIND CHECKS AND I BET. I STILL HAVEN'T LOOKED AT MY CARDS. DYNASTY RAISES. BIG BLIND FOLDS. I CALL BLIND. THE TURN IS THE QUEEN OF HEARTS. I CHECK. DYNASTY BETS AND I CHECK RAISE. HE QUICKLY CALLS. THE RIVER IS THE JACK OF HEARTS. I BET AND SAY "DYNASTY, DID YOU ENJOY PLAYING WITH THE BIG BOYS?" HE LOOKS AT HIS CARDS AND MUCKS SEVEN SEVEN FACE-UP. I DON'T BOTHER TOO LOOK AT MY CARDS. JOEY DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE THE CARDS. JOEY KNOWS HOW TO PLAY THE PLAYER. LATER IN THE EVENING, I WENT OUTSIDE TO WATCH THE FOUNTAINS OF BELLAGIO. HEY, JOEY APPRECIATES ALL KINDS OF BEAUTY. WHILE, I'M LEANING OVER THE RAIL WATCHING THE DISPLAY TO FRANK SINATRA'S "LUCK, BE A LADY", DYANSTY PRESSES HIS THREE HUNDRED FIFTY POUND GIRTH AGAINST ME. HE SO DAMN FAT THAT I CAN'T MOVE. OF COURSE, HE UNCLOTHES ME AND HERE'S WHERE I NEED TO BE DELICATE. HE VIOLATES MY PERSON FOR SEVERAL MINUTES CAUSING CONSIDERABLE ABRASION. EVERYBODY IS SO ENTRANCED BY THE FOUNTAIN SHOW THAT THEY DON'T NOTICE MY PLIGHT. WHEN HE'S DONE, HE SAYS "JOEY, DID YOU ENJOY PLAYING WITH MY BIG BOY?" NO BIG DEAL. I LEFT THE TABLE WITH A BIG STACK OF HIS CHIPS. SEE YA AND WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA, YOU FAT HUMPS.

JOEY VS. JIMBO BRIER

HEY DISPICABLE SLUGS,

I'M SO SICK OF COMING TO THIS WEBSITE AND SEEING ALL THESE STUPID HANDS BEING POSTED. ALL THEY DO IS DISTRACT READERS AWAY FROM MY GREAT STORIES. NOW THIS WEAK-TIGHT PIG JIMBO BRIER HAS PUBLISHED A WHOLE BOOK OF HANDS. IF HE SENDS ME A FREE COPY MAYBE I'LL USE THE PAGES TO WIPE MYSELF. HAHAHAHAHAH. WELL, I'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR HIM. I'VE BEEN TALKING TO MASON AND TWOPLUSTWO IS GOING TO PUBLISH MY FIRST BOOK. IT'S TITLED "SUCKING OUT ON FAT HUMPS LIKE YOU". I'LL BE PROVIDING UPDATES ABOUT MY BOOK IN FUTURE POSTS. YESTERDAY, IT WAS AUTHOR VS. AUTHOR AT THE BELLAGIO. I'D ALREADY TAKEN DOWN JIMBO NINE TIMES IN A ROW AND WAS TAUNTING HIM. "YOU PLAY TOO WEAK-TIGHT JIMBO. YOU NEED TO LOOSEN UP." WELL, I GET DEALT EIGHT EIGHT IN MIDDLE POSITION AND OPEN RAISE. JIMBO THREE BETS ME ON THE BUTTON. THE REST FOLD AND WE'RE HEADS UP FOR THE TENTH TIME. I JUST CALL THINKING THAT JIMBO IS SO WEAK-TIGHT THAT HE'D ONLY THREE-BET JOEY WITH POCKET ACES. THE FLOP COMES EIGHT FIVE DEUCE. I BET AND JIMBO RAISES. I SMOOTH CALL. THE TURN BRINGS ANOTHER DEUCE. I CHECK. JIMBO BETS AND I CHECK RAISE HIM AND SAY "JIMBO, YOU WEAK-TIGHT HUMP, HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED NOT TO PLAY POCKET ACES AGAINST JOEY?" JIMBO SHAKES HIS HEAD. THE FOOL PROBABLY THINKS I'VE GOT A DEUCE. THE RIVER IS AN ACE. I THINK 'DID JIMBO JUST HIT A TWO-OUTER ON JOEY?' I CHECK AND JIMBO BETS. I CALL. HE TURNS OVER ACE FOUR OFFSUIT. I SHOW MY FULL-HOUSE AND TAKE IT DOWN. JIMBO IS HUMILIATED BY THE PATHETIC CARDS HE'S JUST SHOWN AND RUNS OUT OF THE POKER ROOM IN SHAME. BEFORE HE GETS OUT OF EARSHOT, I YELL "YOU'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE DAY WHEN JOEY LOOSENED YOU UP." WHILE I WAS EATING DINNER LATER THAT NIGHT, JIMBO WALKED INTO THE RESTAURANT. BUT, I DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS THERE UNTIL HE HAD ALREADY THROWN ME DOWN TO THE FLOOR AND PINNED ME THERE WITH A FOOD CART. HE PROCEEDED TO PULL MY PANTS DOWN TO MY ANKLES AND THIS IS THE DELICATE PART AGAIN. HE USED MY SOFT FLESH TO PLEASURE HIMSELF. THE INCIDENT LASTED FOR SEVERAL MINUTES AS OTHER CUSTOMERS JUST CONTINUED TO EAT THEIR MEALS. WHEN HE WAS FINISHED, HE SAID "YOU'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER THE DAY WHEN JIMBO BRIER LOOSENED YOU UP." I DON'T MIND. AFTER PLAYING WITH HIM, I'VE GOT A LOT MORE LOOSE CHANGE IN MY POCKETS. SEE YA AND WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA, YOU FAT HUMPS.

JOEY VS. MARK

HEY SWINES,

WHY DO SOME OF YOU ALLOW FAT HUMP POKER PLAYERS INTO YOUR HOMES? WHEN I SEE THESE DISGUSTING PEOPLE AT THE BELLAGIO, I WANT TO VOMMIT. I RECENTLY HAD THE DISTINCT DISPLEASURE OF SMELLING SOME POKER PLAYERS IN MY HOME. A FRIEND OF MINE FROM OUT OF STATE HAS BEEN STAYING WITH ME FOR A WHILE. WE'LL CALL HIM "MARK" SINCE HE'S SUCH AN EASY TARGET FOR MY SOPHISTICATED POKER PLAYS. WELL, THIS IDIOT INVITES SEVERAL FRIENDS OVER FOR A DEALER'S CHOICE HOME GAME. SINCE I HAVE TO ENDURE THEIR PRESENCE, I DECIDE TO PLAY AND TAKE ALL THEIR MONEY. FOR THIS PARTICULAR HAND, I'M THE DEALER AND, OF COURSE, WE'RE PLAYING JOEY'S SPECIALTY, HOLD'EM. SEVERAL PLAYERS LIMP INCLUDING MARK. I'VE GOT ACE ACE ON THE BUTTON. USUALLY I DON'T LIKE PLAYING THIS CHEESE BUT I WANT TO KEEP THE HUMPS HAPPY SO I LIMP TOO. THE FLOP IS ACE KING TEN, ALL SPADES. EVERYBODY CHECKS TO ME AND I CHECK. THE TURN IS ANOTHER ACE. IT GETS CHECKED TO ME AND I BET. MARK CHECKRAISES ME. EVERYBODY ELSE FOLDS. I SAY TO HIM "MARK, I'LL MAKE THIS NO-LIMIT IF YOU WANT AND PUT MY ENTIRE FIVE FIGURE BANKROLL UP AGAINST YOUR THREE FIGURE BANKROLL." HE AGREES AND WE PUT OUR ENTIRE ROLLS IN THE CENTER OF THE TABLE. MARK SAYS "THERE WILL BE NO TWO-OUTER FOR YOU THIS TIME, JOEY. I'VE GOT A ROYAL FLUSH" AND TURNS OVER QUEEN JACK OF SPADES. I SAY "DON'T YOU KNOW ANY BETTER THAN TO MAKE SMART-ASS COMMENTS AT SOMEBODY WHO'S SHOOTING BULLETS AT YOU" AND I TURN OVER MY ACE ACE. MARK LAUGHS AND SAYS "BUT, YOU'VE GOT NO OUTS. I WIN." I SAY "OH, REALLY?" AND DEAL THE RIVER CARD. IT'S THE JOKER. "I'VE GOT FIVE ACES AND THAT BEATS A ROYAL FLUSH." THE WHOLE TABLE IS STUNNED. AFTER BUSTING MARK, I BUSTED ALL THE OTHER HUMPS AS FAST AS POSSIBLE SO I COULD GET THEM OUT OF MY HOME. LATER, I NEEDED TO GET THEIR SMELL OF OFF ME SO I TOOK A SHOWER. WHILE SHOWERING, MARK SNUCK IN THE BATHROOM AND FLUSHED THE TOILET. THE SHOWER WATER SCALDED ME, I SLIPPED AND FELL FACE-DOWN GETTING SOAP IN MY EYES IN THE PROCESS. MARK SEIZED THE OPPORTUNITY AND PINNED ME TO THE SHOWER FLOOR. IT'S DELICATE TIME. HE THEN SLID HIMSELF INSIDE MY WET BACKSIDE WHILE I WAS HOPELESSLY PINNED AND BLINDED. WHILE HE WAS DOING IT, HE SAID "WHO'S SHOOTING BULLETS AT WHO NOW?". OH, WELL. I GOT HIS ENTIRE ROLL. SEE YA AND WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA, YOU FAT HUMPS.

JOEY VS. MASON MALMUTH

HEY COW PIES,

POKER PLAYERS MUST BE THE STUPIDEST PEOPLE ON EARTH. THEY CAN BE STARING AT SOMETHING FOR AN ETERNITY AND STILL NOT UNDERSTAND IT. YOU IGNORANT HUMPS HAVE SEEN JOEY'S MOST FAMOUS HAND FOR YEARS AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT. JOEY'S IN A GOOD MOOD TODAY AND HAS DECIDED TO ENLIGHTEN YOU PIGS ABOUT A SMALL PART OF POKER HISTORY AND THE FIRST TIME MASON MALMUTH EVER LEARNED TO FEAR PLAYING IN THE SAME GAME WITH JOEY. IT WAS MANY YEARS AGO IN CALIFORNIA. A FAT PIG OPEN RAISES FROM MIDDLE POSITION. I HAD NEVER SEEN THIS DISGUSTING PERSON BEFORE. BUT, HE NEVER STOPPED TALKING: "I NOW EVERYTHING ABOUT POKER." "I'M GOING TO START A PUBLISHING COMPANY." "I CAN'T WAIT TO GET TO THE BUFFET." JOEY DEFINITELY NEEDED TO TEACH THIS HUMP A LESSON. EVERYBODY FOLDS TO ME IN THE SMALL BLIND. I WANT TO PLAY THIS HAND HEADS UP SO I THREE BET WITH EIGHT THREE OFFSUIT. THE BIG BLIND FOLDS AND THE HUMP RERAISES. I CALL. BEFORE THE FLOP, I TELL THIS PIG EXACTLY WHAT I'VE GOT "EIGHT THREE OFFSUIT, PIG". THE FLOP COMES ACE EIGHT THREE WITH TWO SPADES. I BET OUT SAYING "TWO PAIR". THE FOOL RAISES ME. I THREE BET AND SAY "THE DEALER IS GOING TO FILL UP SO NO FREE CARD FOR YOU". THE PIG CALLS. THE TURN IS A KING. I BET. HE RAISES. I RERAISE. HE RERAISES. I RERAISE AND SAY "DIDN'T I TELL YOU THE DEALER IS GOING TO FILL UP?" HE CALLS. THEY ALWAYS GET INTIMIDATED WHEN JOEY PREDICTS THE RIVER CARD. I BET BLIND. THE RIVER CARD COMES A THREE. THE HUMP CALLS. WHY? I SHOW MY BOAT. THE PIG TRIED TO MUCK FACE DOWN BUT I INSIST ON SEEING HIS CARDS. HE HAD ACE KING OF SPADES. "PIG, YOU HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT POKER. NEVER FORGET THE NAME JOEY". I FINISHED UP MY WINNING SESSION AND HEADED TO THE BUFFET. I WAS GETTING SOME TOSSED SALAD WHEN THAT SAME UNKNOWN PLAYER ATTACKED ME FROM BEHIND. NO PLAYER HAD EVER ATTACKED ME JUST BECAUSE I WON HIS MONEY. WHAT'S UP WITH THIS? I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO REACT. I TRIED TO DEFEND MYSELF BUT HE WAS SO FAT THAT I COULDN'T GET HIM OFF ME. HE THEN TORE MY PANTS OFF. I NEED TO TALK DELICATELY HERE. HE REPEATEDLY INSERTED A PART OF HIS ANATOMY INTO MY ANATOMY. WHEN HE WAS SATISFIED, HE SAID "I GUESS I FILLED YOU UP THAT TIME. NEVER FORGET THE NAME MASON MALMUTH". BUT, I WAS THE ONE WHO REALLY ENDED UP ON TOP. I PAID FOR MY BUFFET WITH HIS MONEY. SEE YA AND WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA, YOU FAT HUMPS.

JOEY VS. ROLF SLOTBOOM

HEY SCUM,

WHAT'S UP WITH POKER WRITER'S OBSESSION WITH MAKING TESTS AND QUIZZES? JOEY'S ALREADY LET YOU KNOW THE TRUTH- YOU ARE ALL PATHETIC DEGENERATE GAMBLERS WHO WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE ALL YOUR MONEY. BUT, SINCE YOU PIGS SEEM TO NEED THESE TESTS, HERE'S JOEY'S TEST: DO YOU PLAY POKER? IF YOU ANSERED "YES", THEN YOU ARE A PATHETIC DEGENERATE GAMBLER WHO WILL EVENTUALLY LOOSE ALL YOUR MONEY. THERE, THAT SHOULD SETTLE IT. I RECENTLY MET UP WITH ONE OF THESE TEST MAKERS, ROLF "ACE" SLOTBOOM IN A BELLAGIO GAME. AS THE CARDS WERE BEING DEALT, I MADE A REQUEST TO THE DEALER, "HEY, MINIMUM WAGE EARNER, GIVE ME A PAIR IN THE HOLE". I LOOK DOWN AND SEE THREE THREE. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO WIN UNIMPROVED. SLOTBOOM RAISES FIRST IN IN MIDDLE POSITION. I'M ON HIS IMMEDIATE LEFT AND THREE BET THE GREASER. SOME OF THE OTHER PLAYERS HAVE EXPERIENCED JOEY'S THREE BETS AND FOLD OUT OF TURN. SLOTBOOM FOUR BETS AND I SMOOTH CALL. THE FLOP IS QUEEN QUEEN FIVE. SLOTBOOM BETS. I RAISE. HE RERAISES. I CALL. THE TURN COMES A NINE. HE BETS. I CALL. I FIGURE A RAISE WILL JUST MAKE HIM FOLD SO I PREFER TO LET HIM THROW HIS MONEY AWAY. THE RIVER IS A FOUR. HE BETS. I RAISE. HE THINKS FOR A MOMENT AN CALLS. WHAT AN IDIOT. I SHOW MY THREE THREE AND HE SCREAMS "HOW CAN YOU TAKE SO MUCH HEAT WITH A BABY PAIR IN THE HOLE?" I CALMLY SAY "WELL, ALL YOU'VE GOT IS ACE JACK SUITED SO I HAD YOU DOMINATED." HE DOESN'T SHOW HIS CARDS BUT THE LOOK IN HIS EYES LET ME KNOW. THEN HIS EYES GET A DIFFERENTLY LOOK. HE GETS ENRAGED AND GRABS A CANE FROM AN ELDERLY MAN AT THE TABLE. HE STARTS BEATING ME DOWN WITH IT. WHILE I'M HALF CONCIOUS, HE STRIPS ME NAKED. IT'S DELICATE TIME. HE BEGAN PERPETRATING A CARNAL ACT ON ME. BUT, HE NOT ONLY USED HIS YOU-KNOW-WHAT BUT ALSO USED THE CANE ON ME AS WELL. HE EVEN VIOLATED ME WITH HIMSELF AND THE CANE AT THE SAME TIME. IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT THAT HE SAID "ARE YOU ENJOYING THE HEAT WITH THIS PAIR IN THE HOLE?" NEVERTHELESS, I HAD A PAIR OF HIS STACKS TO CASH IN. SEE YA AND WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YA, YOU FAT HUMPS.



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Old 09-02-2002, 11:04 PM   #2
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Re: THE BEST OF JOEY

Far and away the funniest thing I've ever read on the internet. Thank you Joey, and may I never end up in one of your games.
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Old 09-03-2002, 01:52 AM   #3
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WARNING DANGER WILL ROBINSON: poor porno spelling

[img]/forums/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/icons/tongue.gif[/img] [img]/forums/images/icons/shocked.gif[/img] don't pick up the soap while you're laughing
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Old 02-17-2003, 01:44 AM   #4
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Re: WARNING DANGER WILL ROBINSON: poor porno spelling

In honor of Rolf Slotboom's new quiz, and one of the funniest lines I've ever read on this forum:

"BUT, SINCE YOU PIGS SEEM TO NEED THESE TESTS, HERE'S JOEY'S TEST: DO YOU PLAY POKER? IF YOU ANSERED "YES", THEN YOU ARE A PATHETIC DEGENERATE GAMBLER WHO WILL EVENTUALLY LOOSE ALL YOUR MONEY. THERE, THAT SHOULD SETTLE IT."
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Old 02-17-2003, 02:13 AM   #5
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Re: WARNING DANGER WILL ROBINSON: poor porno spelling

Thanks Clark:

This is just what these forums needed. JB on top.

Best wishes,
Mason
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Old 02-17-2003, 02:27 AM   #6
Clarkmeister
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Re: WARNING DANGER WILL ROBINSON: poor porno spelling

I know, but I'm weak, and Joey is funny. I saw Slotboom with another quiz and I couldn't help myself. You've got to admit, that segment I quoted is pretty damn funny. [img]/forums/images/icons/laugh.gif[/img]

Ah, I'll behave. This silliness will disappear soon enough, I won't drag it up again.

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Old 02-17-2003, 11:17 AM   #7
MRBAA
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Re: WARNING DANGER WILL ROBINSON: poor porno spelling

Joey is (surprisingly) funny -- who is he?
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Old 02-17-2003, 11:22 AM   #8
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Re: Weak?

"I know, but I'm weak" [img]/forums/images/icons/confused.gif[/img] WOW- Clark, the most aggressive lower limit player in Vegas is WEAK? Argggghhhhh....I think you are DRUNK!. [img]/forums/images/icons/grin.gif[/img] LGPG, Babe [img]/forums/images/icons/heart.gif[/img]
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Old 02-17-2003, 01:46 PM   #9
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You mean \"LGDG\"

Look Good, Drink Good!
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Old 12-15-2003, 04:04 AM   #10
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Re: THE BEST OF JOEY

Bump!?

I'd like to vote for Joey vs. Mark, but it won't let me.

"see ya and wouldn't wanna be ya, you fat humps."

ben
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Old 12-15-2003, 04:50 AM   #11
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Re: THE BEST OF JOEY

Quote:
I SAY "OH, REALLY?" AND DEAL THE RIVER CARD. IT'S THE JOKER.
even though i knew this line was coming it still made me laugh out loud. kudos for dragging this one up. funny s**t...
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Old 12-16-2003, 05:28 AM   #12
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Re: THE BEST OF JOEY

I suppose this joke is long over and everyone will have some fun with this. I was the JOEYBITCH poster. Here's the story.

Posters who were on 2+2 a couple years ago will remember that JOEY BLOEY or JOEYMEISTER (or some other JOEY, there were several incarnations) was a small stakes poster who put up ludicous stories of his poker prowress, usually ending with a ridiculous bad beat put on his unsuspecting opponent. The posts were useless as far as practical poker information was concerned but gave some people laughs.

However, the poster definitely had a thing for me. Due to my "aggressive" style of posting, he labled me an obnoxious, thinks-he-knows-it-all jackass. Others have thought that too. But, this guy made it very personal with more than a dozen curse-filled, hateful posts which got taken down shortly after they went up. He also posted my home address and gave a very accurate description of seeing me walking up Flamingo road.

Usually, I just ignore these "I can't stand you, Dynasty" posts. They come up every know and then. But, in this case, I decided to fight fire with fire. So, I created JOEYBITCH to use his own tactics against him. Orignal JOEY's posts had become a daily occurence in the Small Stakes forum when Mason himself asked Orignal JOEY to move his "stories" to the newly created News, Views, and Topics category. Having had enough, I seized the opportunity to take the JOEY character away from this guy and discredit him at the same time.

Using the new JOEYBITCH monicker, I basically did the same thing Orignal JOEY did. I made some general rude comment about the poker world, created some ridiculous bad beat hand, and spiced it with some obvious crude humor. Of course, I added the "delicate" bit at the end to give it to JOEY the way he deserved to have it given to him.

The goal wasn't to offend anybody. It was simply to get even. It ended up working even better as Original JOEY left the boards almost immediately after the first week in which almost all the JOEYBITCH posts were made. It seemed the 2+2 readers liked JOEYBITCH a lot more the Original Joey. Orignal Joey tried a couple posts in response to JOEYBITCH but the fell flat.

Only a few people knew I was JOEYBITCH the whole time. Mason and Chuck Weinstock knew after a few posts. They were trying to block Orignal JOEY from posting on the forums and ended up tracing my posts. Since they knew I was the primary target of Orignal JOEY's curse-filled posts (and those were really nasty), Mason and Chuck were surprised. I told them what I was doing. Mason asked me to slow down on the posts (they were going up daily for a while) and I did so since neither Mason nor I wanted the posts to become discruptive. I told Clarkmeister and our friend D.Andrew (irregular poster) not too long afterwards. The next summer I let it slip to Mikey and David Ottosen during dinner at the Mirage.

If pokerbabe, allinboy, Jim Brier, Mark (Joey's roommate), Mason, or Rolf Slotboom were offended by the post about them, I apologize. You were never the intended target and I'd like to point out that I made sure I was a bad beat victim myself in the third JOEYBITCH post.

Surprise.
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Old 12-16-2003, 12:27 PM   #13
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Re: THE BEST OF JOEY

I never woulda guessed it. Great stories. Made me cry I laughed so hard.
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Old 12-16-2003, 05:50 PM   #14
Mike Gallo
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Re: THE BEST OF JOEY

I suppose this joke is long over and everyone will have some fun with this. I was the JOEYBITCH poster. Here's the story.

Dude,

Nice !! You do have a sence of humor...SHOCKING
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Old 12-16-2003, 06:23 PM   #15
all_aces
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Re: THE BEST OF JOEY

Dynasty,

WTG. I stand by my original comments when you posted this: some funny stuff. And I don't even know the people involved. I suspected it was some kind of dual-identity thing though because one rarely finds people who post in CAPITAL LETTERS who have as much wit as JOEYBITCH.

Well done.
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Old 12-16-2003, 06:25 PM   #16
thomastem
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Re: THE BEST OF JOEY

Great stuff. Rkiray had said he wished Dynasty had never left. Now I understand why. Kudos to Rkiray for trying to bring someone this talented back.

I will be happy to help you in your, "Bring Joey ***** back to the SS forum" cause in any way I can.

Priceless.
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Old 12-16-2003, 06:32 PM   #17
thomastem
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Re: THE BEST OF JOEY

Dynasty,

Awesome. Absolutely awesome.

Rkiray has been looking for you to start posting again. At 1 point he blamed me for your leaving. But you haven't left you are right here!

Could you Rkiray a favor and give him some Joeybitch? Joeybitch vs Rkiray for old times sake.

The SS forum sorely needs Joeybitch's tender loving care.
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Old 12-16-2003, 11:25 PM   #18
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Re: THE BEST OF JOEY

Wow, Dynasty: nice job, really , really nice.
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Old 12-17-2003, 04:51 AM   #19
Dynasty
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Re: THE BEST OF JOEY

Quote:
I stand by my original comments when you posted this: some funny stuff.
The original threads were strange. I never expected the reactions I got. The responses to the stories were much funnier for me.
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Old 03-11-2004, 01:10 AM   #20
arod4276
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BUMP

This is the funniest thread ever. I had to bump it again.
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Old 03-11-2004, 01:51 AM   #21
Dynasty
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Re: BUMP

Clarkmeister: 2/16/03

Quote:
In honor of Rolf Slotboom's new quiz, and one of the funniest lines I've ever read on this forum:
Mason Malmuth: 2/16/03

Quote:
Thanks Clark:

This is just what these forums needed. JB on top.
ben mo: 12/15/03

Quote:
Bump!?
arod4276: 3/10/04

Quote:
This is the funniest thread ever. I had to bump it again.
Why do I suspect this thread is going to end up getting bumped once every 3-6 months?
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Old 03-11-2004, 01:39 PM   #22
wm r the rake
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Re: THE BEST OF JOEY

great post....i had to clear the Big red off my screen from laughing so hard
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Old 03-11-2004, 02:04 PM   #23
J.A.Sucker
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Re: BUMP

That's because you're the pimp, Dynasty, and this is still the funniest stuff ever. I just have to see the thread, and I practically lose bladder control... Jimbo Brier... he he!
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Old 03-11-2004, 03:38 PM   #24
baggins
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Re: BUMP

I always loved the Joeybitch stories. nice job Dynasty.
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Old 03-11-2004, 04:27 PM   #25
CrazyEyez
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Re: BUMP

Pure brilliance.
I love when Joey is way behind in the hand, but he "smooth calls."
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