So I recently had a run of luck and now have a few hundred I want to withdraw from PokerStars. Lo and behold, for the first time in a decade I get asked to verify my account. First they said I had "staked the equivalent of €2000 in 24 hours" (which is absolute nonsense), then they said it was a random verification.

I sent a copy of my passport - they said it's out of date (having not said any photo ID should be in date).

I don't have a driver's license (I live in a major city and have no need for a car).

Could someone in the UK advise on what kind of "photo ID" I can use. It's gonna take me a month (and £75) to renew a passport and I don't know of any of other UK photo ID that's valid. Maybe a provisional driving license that costs £34? The worst of it is they wouldn't even extend the verification period to give me TIME to sort this stupid crap out! Their answer was "Sorry, computer says no".

Maybe the PASS ID run by Validate UK??

There's absolutely no leaway with these robots- they give you this BS request that even my BANK doesn't require of me to move money and yet when given the reasonable info for such a small withdrawal suddenly they make life difficult and tell you it's nothing personal.

They've returned my stake but are withholding my winnings. So I'm in the comical position of being afraid to win any more in case they withhold that too.

Caveat Emptor: if you win money on PokerStars they'll try to stop you withdrawing it.

Any UK people who've had similar issues with them I'd be glad to hear any advice.

It's kind of standard practice for all the main sites to ask to see ID verification if you want to make a decent-sized withdrawal, especially if you used a non-standard deposit method that isn't already verified (e.g. by the credit card authorities).
I had the same issue as you a few years ago and had to go and renew my passport. It should say on the Stars website what other forms of ID they will accept, but passport and driving licence tend to be standard in the UK.
You'll get the money eventually (including any other winnings you get in the meantime) but you'll have to prove your ID before they allow a full cashout.

Probably because they took that as a given. It's pretty standard that when a company requires a photo ID, it needs to be valid.

Did you ask Poker Stars? Seems like they'd be the best placed to tell you what they will accept.

Unless your bank allowed you to open an account online without any valid ID, that's not even close to true. The bank almost certainly has received far more information about you, and met you in person, in the past. Poker Stars hasn't.

The Caveat Emptor style lesson here is really that if a person is an adult that chooses to do online gambling in 2018, then that adult should do some "adulting" and actually have a legitimate form of non-expired ID to prove he or she actually exists as that person.

OP,

Your expectations are absurd, and born of a lot of ignorance. Yes, you require valid photo identification to transfer chunks of money around.

You falsely claimed "that even [your] BANK doesn't require of [you] to move money". Your bank did require you to provide identification: they just performed that check when you opened your account.

These requirements have been pretty standard for almost every institution that moves money around since the early 2000's and various changes to reduce money laundering and terrorist financing in the wake of various terrorist attacks. They have been more stringently enforced over time.

You're being silly here. I doubt that PokerStars are going to take your money here. Rather, it is more likely that your money will just sit safely and securely in your PokerStars account until you provide them with a copy of your ID.

contact support would by my choice and having to be paitent it is what it is.

FWIW I did many withdrawals from PS in the mid to late 2000s without ever sending them ID or CC photo. I think I deposited with WU or a gift card. I assumed they did some sort of other background check. I'm in USA#1 though.