I don't want to go off on a tangent, but...

It's a sure sine things are going downhill

Had a guy at my table request dealer hand shuffle instead of using a machine because hand shuffling hits more BBJ...

Had a guy come by my table when I was sitting out a tournament break (I am a dealer). He's a creepy old guy who has played in all three casinos I have dealt in so he knows me.

He started giving me all of his recent bad beat stories, which is standard and boring. I was barely paying attention when he suddenly said, "You know that machine there," pointing to the shuffler.

"It sets things up just right. Just right. Otherwise, how can you explain everything I just told you happening?"

I give him what I hope is a blank look and say to him "How does the machine know how many people I am dealing in? And where I am going to cut the deck?"

He shot me a horrified yet triumphant look like he decided that last bit of information was the evidence he needed to confirm that I (or dealers in general) were in on it, says "that's why I play blackjack instead," and skulked away.

Hopefully far, far away.

Honestly, the whole idea of "washing" the cards is pretty ridiculous logic and it is requested all the time. You would think being good at poker and thinking that washing the deck will help would be mutually exclusive, but its not.

I was playing the other night and a guy sits to my left and I'm pretty sure he was coked up. sniffing continuously and talking non-stop.

he's the BB, there's a raise and then a re-raise and coke head folds. flop comes K, blah, blah.. action continues and the winner shows AK. Coke head says to me, glad I didn't call, I had K2. I respond with "yeah for sure".

I have been battling this same cold for a week now, Noles.

...and yeah, good thing I didn't call for two more.

Tanking 30seconds to call a 3bet for tourney life... humming and hawing... well, I've made it this far. Then rolling over KK. Had happened multiple times both in a 550 and a 1k. Couldn't believe it

Bravo is connected to the shuffler no? So it (potentially) knows how many players are in. And it's possible in most cases to deal the winning hand to a particular seat regardless of where the deck is cut.

Of course the machine doesn't know where the button is so obviously the dealers are in on it and we should play blackjack.

No bravo is not connected to the shuffler

There is a way for it to be, and a rake counter too that has a sensor.

The rake slide is often connected to Bravo. I have not heard of anywhere that Bravo is connected to the shuffler. Do tell.

You could be right. They use the newer Deck Mate 2 where I play and there's a separate display screen for it. Makes for a lot of crap cut into the table - the shuffler, the display for the shuffler, and the bravo screen. I can't tell how it's wired without climbing under the table - the bravo clearly is connected to some central server but I guess the deck mate should only have power and a connection between the display and the shuffler.

The deck mate 2 does recognize the cards - if a card is missing it'll tell you which one - and can suit the deck so it's clearly capable of stacking the deck.

I think this is pretty standard, against bad players most people will call with an ace and a lot of people think the ace comes about half the time so it's a coin flip.

Can't even count the amount of times I got called with A6o vs my KK or QQ and guy excitedly shows his hand, loudly proclaiming his read was good and it's a race instead of being dominated by AK. Of course the ace hits the flop and it confirms they're a genius.

Saw a hand that just blew my mind

Is 2/5 utg blind raises 15
4 calls to hero
Hero in LP with ATo 3 bets to 80
4 calls
Flop is J65r
V1 donks out 35
2 calls
V2 jams for 120
Hero folds
V1 calls
Other 2 players folds
Turn 8d (BDFD)
River 5x no flush
V2 sighs and shows 23s
V1 shows KTo and takes it down with K high

Now this is where it get funny one of the players that called the 35 but folded to the jam starts getting upset and angry.
I ask what she had and if she would of won and she goes yeah.
I am like oh you had a weak Jack or a 6 or something
Na she says I had A9dd
I am like oh really
She goes yeah and i had the flush draw (even though all the money is in on flop)
I just stare in shock i didnt really know what to say.
Then she looks at me in a serious look and says I thought about shoving
I was like you mean when he bet 35 and the call shoving with Ace high.
Then she goes no after the all in and call.
I had to leave the table for a quick break after that my mind was simply blow that I could not even think about poker.

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I hear some variant of this what seems to be every session I play. Some nit limp-calls or flats with KK and goes 6-7 ways to the flop because "I wanted to make sure an A wasn't coming before I put a bunch into the pot". The part that boggles my mind is that these players seem to have the ability to always dodge every card in the deck and get to showdown 5 ways and end up with the best hand.

Always

Time to change the thread title:
Most absurd poker "thinking" you have heard on 2+2?

I dont know i seens some down right horrible play with AA/Kk
Like limping on the button after 5+,blinds complete
Flop will be something like 789ss sb will bet 2bb,4 callers nit(fish/donkey) calls on the btn.
Turn will be K/Q all check
River is a brick
All check
and some how the big pair holds up the worst part is they are happy and think they played well

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I raise KK utg and get 3 callers including the BB. Flop is 942 rainbow, BB leads and I call. Turn is another 2, he checks and I bet 75 into about 100. He says "Oh man I screwed this up, I fold!" then flips over AA. I show him my KK and he says he was worried I had pocket 2's. Proceeds to tell me how I "betted it real good".

Wow that is insane

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This assumes that the Bravo is correct. It also assumes that everyone is seated - in rooms I have dealt in, we don't put players into lobby until they miss a blind. Also it has no idea where the button is as you mention. And there's the cut.

And those are just the factual responses. There are other things like, why you? What makes you feel so persecuted that you are the player it wants to get Kings against Aces? Is the computer picking on you? Or is someone watching the game and telling the computer what to do? You really think that's likely, huh? Is that tin foil hat a bit too tight?

...Which uses automatic shufflers too.

It's a little known fact - all the seats have pressure sensors in them and the facial recognition software in the cameras are both connected to the card shuffler. This picks up how many people are going to be dealt in. It's rigged not for specific players but to create action flops that create max rake. The machine doesn't care where the dealer cuts because dealers are taught to cut generally in the middle of the deck, so the machine loads the middle of the deck.

last night i busted with AQs vs AKo in blind vs blind - I had <20 bbs left and shoved and had a very drunken aggro image (post superbowl tourney, i'm from new england...) so this was really top of my range.

Some players are talking about it being such a cooler and another guy loudly proclaims I'm actually slightly ahead as a 1% favorite because my hand is suited.

Afterwards the other guy asks me why on earth I risked my tournament life on AQs when he clearly wouldn't repop it without AK or better...

A lot of noobs don't realize this. Thanks for the public service announcement.

If you really can't understand that the "always" was a tongue-and-cheek statement then I guess it's time to change the thread title to: Most absurd flame attemp you have heard on 2+2..