+1

Douche move for sure.

I was at a bar playing cash 1/2 there is this guy at the table hammered to ****... he was giving money to everyone it was brutal then drops a bunch of money on the ground when he had to re buy...later in the game 30 min after i sat down the guy lights up a smoke and everyone freaked out LOL... me and my buddy died laughing then the guy got kicked out and the table was boring after that...

I don't know why i found this one so funny.

My story: not really funny but just surreal, my local card room is just on the edge of chinatown and has .5,£1 tables.
I was sitting next to an old chinese lady, whilst talking to another player she takes a brown paper bag out her purse. She opens the bag while not really concentrating because she is in mid conversation, A frog jumps out of the bag and sits in the centre of the table(whole table falls silent as this large frog has perched itself inches from the flop). She finally realises what has happened chuckles, catches the frog puts it back in the bag then into her purse. She then pulls out another identical paper bag with what looks like jelly babies in it.
When she finally looks up at the table everyones staring at her like WTF, she chuckles again says "where are my manners" and offers everyone her sweets.
Everyone at the table had the look on their faces like we had all jus dreamt it

Recently I have been to Vegas for my 3rd time and finally I have some stories to share here.

1. I was playign 1/2NL in the Venetian. The whole table limps and I roll an extra dollar in the pot from the SB. The German guy to the left raises to 17 and everybody folds to me. Ik decide to call because were pretty deep and like to see a 2 coming. I check dark and the BB anounces also check dark. I say: "Wow, check, check before the flop. Apparantly he thinks that were checking the hand down as he faceup throws his AJ in front of him. With the board reading KQ84 my deuces are still good and I bet 40. He looks at me with a funny face and pushes allin for 320 more. Little bit stunned I make the call. River brings a T...

2. Now playing 1/2 in the Bellagio this guy comes over with his drunk wife. He plays pretty ABC while his wife looks with him and orders more cocktails. After about half an hour the man goes to the bathroom and let his wife play for him. She sits next to me en raised her find hand UTG for 12 dollars. She doesnt protect her cards very well and she lifts them so high for me to see she's got T9s. Everbody folds and I make the call out off the BB with Q9d. De flop brings AK8 and she bets 30 dollars. I make the call knowing exactly were I stand. Turn 4 she again bets 30. I call again and the rivers bricks with a 2. Know she goes allin for her last 140 dollars and I call her down met Q-high for a 420 dollar pot. After she sees she has lost she leaves the room probably looking for another drink

3. Playing at an $80 dollar satellite for the DSE I come at a table with this Irish guy who is completely wasted. He jells loudly for cocktails and makes a scene of every hand. When in a blind battle he raised me and I shove back with AJ he gets so upset he wants to tries to put his cards into my cards trying to kill my hand. When this doesn;t work the dealer has to call the floor the get the man give his own cards back. A little later a waitress finally shows up and in his enthousiasm the man walks over and knocks down the waitress in the process. All the drinks splash at a table from a man at a nearby table who was eating a lasagna at the table. It is a complete mess and the Irish guy wants to help but is to wasted to stand up. So he completely drops down in the middle off this mess. The scene is hilarious. He gets up, orders another Jack Daniel covered with lasgana and kicks me out in 4th.

I was fortunate enough to play in a 3/6 Limit game Donkfest while i was attending College. I think i was reading Phil Hellmuth's book at the time and felt like i had to show off to get attention. I was a huge Nit and always had fairly good sessions. So this old cranky lady was dragging down everyone's mood so i decided to take action. I played this hand completly blind with the intention of pissing her right off. The flop of A,K,5 was perfect because i decided to check-raise her blind. My friend that i told i was playing blind was laughing already. I check-raise the turn. I check-raise the river. This lady is so happy with the way she played the hand. She flips over AK for 2 pair. Her husband sitting next to her looked like Kenny Rogers and he had a big smile on his face. I finally decided to look at my cards. So i slow-rolled the first card. 3 of Clubs, Everyone had a dazed look on their face. I take the second card and flip up the 6 of Clubs. I went runner-runner flush and the fact i checkraised her made me kind of laugh. She got up from the table and called me a fing *******. I said we are playing 3/6 and that was my winning hand.Kenny Rogers shook his head at me and i pissed myself laughing.

this reminds me of a hilarious moment that probably won't sound funny in the re-telling but here goes anyway.

final table, 6 left, blinds are big, tension is high. me and a friend are both still in, as is simon trumper, a trumped-up self-important semi-famous UK player

my friend realises he's left his packet of jelly babies at his previous table, so goes to pick them up just as his big blind hand is getting dealt, which gets auto-mucked.

when he returns, trumper puts on his best 'i'm a pro, you're a noob' voice and says 'that was an expensive jelly baby'

my friend, obviously loving it, says 'yeah, but it tastes so good'

i laughed a lot

i guess it was funny 'cause trumper was trying to put him on tilt by pointing out his mistake, and the response gave the impression that it wasn't a mistake, my friend knew what he was doing, the jelly beans were really that good.

Many years ago, Normandie Club in L.A. They're having a $1,000 give-away, a lot of money in those days. It's a drawing and they call out the table and seat number of the winner for the guy to come up and get his money: "Table 29, seat 6." No reply. They call it out again: "Table 29, seat 6." Still nothing. They try one more time, "Table 29, seat 6."

This time, the reply is, "There's nobody in that seat."

From the far corner of the room, we now hear, "Lock it up!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Commerce Casino, 40-80 game. Big, big pot develops, tons of action multiway preflop, on the flop, and on the turn. You can hardly see the table for all the chips in the pot. As they're about to burn and deal the river card, there's a power failure and the room goes dark. There's an audible gasp, then a moment of silence, after which, still in the dark, we hear one of the players at the table say,

"Making change . . ."

I laughed for a good minute after reading this one. Thanks.

I've played live like three times in my life, reading this thread has me larfing and disgusted at the same time.

This happened about 10 yrs ago at Sandia Casino in New Mexico.

Playing 5/10 Limit. There is a whining old guy steambox that is on super tilt. Mr. Tilt is dealt pocket kings, does the standard preflop raise, gets called by 4 opponents, goes all the way to the river and loses about $100. As he loses to w/e, he throws his cards at the dealer hitting the dealer in the chest. Floor comes over and gives him a warning as he has a huge history of temper tantrums.

Very next hand, Mr. Tilt is dealt pocket Rockets. Same thing, he raises preflop, gets called by 4 opponents: Flop comes A Q 10, he flops trips. He bets and is raised all the way to the river and he ends up losing to a flopped straight. He goes on crazy monkey tilt, throws his cards again (this time into the muck) and just starts whining like you would not believe.

Then the next hand comes, Mr. Tilt is dealt pocket AA AGAIN!!!! He raises preflop, I'm dealt pocket KK I reraise, someone else reraise and someone else re-raise and the pot is capped!!!

Flop comes

A K 10

I bet, someone else raises, Mr. Tilt reraises and it is reraised until it is capped.

Turn is Q

I bet, someone else raises, Mr. Tilt starts whining and calls, other villian reraises, Mr. Tilt whines more and calls, I reraise and pot is capped.

River: J

I bet, villian raises, Mr. Tilt stands up and screams "You lucky muthaf-ers" and throws his hand into the muck face up showing aces.

Me and other villains continue raising and laughing and then after the pot is capped, we all say at the same time, "I play the board".

Table is laughing and Mr. Tilt is still cursing about how lucky we are. We then tell him, "You realize there's a royal flush on the board? It's a chop!!!"

Takes him a second or two to realize it and then he starts cursing some more about why we bet the river...

This was my very first royal flush and it was a community royal flush

Wow this is such an epic thread so far, keep'em coming.

Here's a gem from a couple years ago.

Local Casino, playing 1/2 nl with lots of regulars in the game. My buddy, who is a stickler for poker etiquette, gets into a pot with this one regular short stacker that is known for slowrolling. My buddy opens the pot, short stack regular repops it, and my buddy shoves. Regular tanks for like 2 minutes and finally calls allin. My buddy has to show first as he was the last raiser, he shows Queens. The Regular slowrolls Aces.

Buddy exclaims:"Nice tank, what did you put me on? Pocket f***in jokers!"

Needless to say the regular stills loves slowrolling people.

This is something that was said at the Venetian last week. It is weird and funny if you like weird statements.

I was playing $4-$8 and $8-$16 and there was one guy I played with a few times over the course of 2 days. He was mid to late 20's with dyed black hair. He would also talk to himself and seemed to be discussing the hands. At one point we were sitting next to each other. I usually ask a person what they do for a living and since this guy seemed odd I was definitely curious.

So I asked, "What do you do for a living"?

He replied, "I'm retired but I can't say from what. I'm trying to make a living at this."

I said nothing but thought good luck with that. I did not think he was very good.

He then said, "I was a porn actor."

I decided not ask anything else.

"Time for Time", that'd be Crown Casino in Melbourne.

Fallsview Casino, a few years ago.

I'm pretty tolerant, but this preppy boy was an unbelievably arrogant douchebag -- he couldn't stop bragging about his poker skills and general superiority as a human being.

Makes a smartass comment to another player about not being in the same league as him, both in cards and in life.

Then he smugly goes to take a drink, and he has one of those long red plastic stir sticks in his glass. As he brings the drink to his mouth, the stir stick goes right up his nostril and he gives a high-pitch yelp like a little girl.

He spills the drink on himself and he's sitting there in a wet shirt, in obvious pain, with a red stir stick jammed up his nose.

The table was silent for a split second, then as if on cue, everyone erupted in laughter and applause. Some of the guys were laughing so hysterically they were in tears. Even the cool-as-ice dealer couldn't suppress a grin.

The guy grabbed his chipped and scurried off red-faced, with his tail firmly between his legs!

I really dont frequent live cardrooms like many of you...but heres two...


1/2 NL at Showboat (AC)... a full table (9) and 4 of us were deep stacked (over $500 or so)...

deep stack #1 raises it something silly like $30 preflop....all folds to another deep stacker #2 who calls...

#1 bets 50 on flop....50 on turn...then goes all in on river...

#2 calls each bet.... hesitated on the river....and CALLS!!!

#1 had AJ....for Ace high "jack kicker"

#2?? ahahahahaa AQ!!!! Queen kicker!!!!!

I nearly sharted myself to death.....nice $1100 pot or so with a Q high kicker call...


2nd funny story....

So i took a friend to Taj for his birthday.... so why not play some 1-3 stud for kicks.... a dude with broken glasses...funny teeth...heavy on the cologne sat next to me.... every time he made his hand he would make this sound with his throat as if his throat itches.... nice tell!!!! I folded a straight on the 6th street and see that he made a full house... eh ...

I can't find the thread here with funniest live-stories. It was a pretty large thread. I litterally spend 3 hours with advanced search (bored @work) but still can't find it. Anyone???

http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/27...rdroom-564487/

You're soaking in it.

Thanks, Madge.

2/5 NL late on a Wednesday night at the Borgata

Drunk guy who has been shoving his full stack all in blinds for an orbit finally gets snapped by Brass Balls guy who shows 55. Drunk guy actually has something in A10s, but he fails to hit and the ~$1500 pot is shipped to the Brass Balls guy.

Drunk guy proceeds to shove the remnants (~$150) of his stacks all in blind for another orbit, until I pick up a hand (A9s) and snap him off. As the dealer is ready to deal the flop I say to him, "Do you want to flip your cards over sir?"

Without a moment's hesitation he lowers his head, glares at me across the table, and says, "If you call me sir one more ****ing time, I am going to kick you in the ****ing balls".

Keep in mind that I had never said a single word to the guy all night, nor played a hand against him. Needless to say, not one person at the table (including the dealer) even flinched or reacted, as his A4o hit and scooped the ~$300 pot.

It was a memorable night.

On Halloween night, me and my friends decided to go to the Casino of
Montreal, but before we went i tried to scrub off the drawn on mustache i had (Fu Man Shu style) it was hard because i had a 2 day old beard and the ink only faded a bit). After the night, i realized i had lost my wallet, so i hit the casino's lost and found and i indentify my wallet (there was litteraly 20 black wallets).

The lady takes out my drivers liscence, and looks at me and says, '' Sorry, i'ts not your wallet sir '' I argue a bit, then she says that on the photo i.d i have a mustach, then instead of giving her the info that was written on the card (age, address etc.) i start telling her that, I , in my life, never wore a mustach. In my drunken state i had forgotten i still had a drawn on mustach. We argued the fact that i did not have a mustach and so on for a minute or so till i realized i did have a mustach.

P.S Sorry english not my forté.

Hollywood Park:

Mid-20's latino is at table with me playing the worst techno music you've ever heard on his cell phone's speaker. Latino is drinking, slurring, etc. Latino threatens a guy to fight. Threatens me to fight after I tell him to hurry up and act (he would put on a stupid show every time it was his turn for anything).

No dealer or manager thinks to ask him to turn off his loud music at the table.

A couple players want him taken out for making threats...one other and I try to calm them down, realizing a drunk maniac is +ev.

Latino somehow keeps winning though and has a real big stack. Latino threatens more violence and says that he is an MMA fighter. Latino takes off his over shirt and rips his t-shirt in half off his body to reveal his soft-body. Manager finally comes and gets him to put a shirt back on...no other penalty.


As annoying as he was, I enjoyed him more than the over the top obese guy who smelled like pure ass, bit his nails and spit them on the table.

oh man, my fav thread of all time

Last week at the Wynn saw the funniest thing I've ever seen on a poker table. Game was 2/5 NL. Player in the nine seat was listening to his I-Pod. Player in seven seat says raise but hasn't put anything in the pot yet. Nine seat asks the dealer, "Did he say raise?"

Dealer reaches up, pulls his earpiece out and lets it fall. She says, "Yes", without blinking an eye.

Whole table erupted in laughter.

Four funny stories:

1. @ Mohegan Sun...I was sitting between a guy who plays the horses ALOT and a younger kid that kept watching the racing in between hands. Horse-player finally convinces the kid to go up to the book and place a bet.

Well, the kid places a bet on the 2 horse to win for $7. He comes back, shows Horse-player the ticket, and Horse-player says "You bet the wrong race!!! That horse is a 63-1 dog, you wanted the 7-1 dog!!...go back up there and change the race, tell 'em you know me and they'll do it for you".

Kid runs up there, swaps out the ticket after pointing at Horse-player, who gives the racebook there alot of action.

....you know what happens next....2 horse in the race he FORMERLY bet at 63-1 for $7 and now no longer has breaks out early; Horse-player tells everyone that the pace is too fast and he'll never hold; 45 seconds later the 2 horse wins and the kid goes on megaultrafullunadulterated tilt and busts out a few hands later.


2. @ Ballys in Vegas at 4:00am...Euro-donkey has what must be 3 racks of redbirds and a stack of greens at the 1/2 NLHE table. He starts spewing chips on overbetting middle pair, looking up guys with the nuts, you name it. He keeps speaking with a thick accent that sounds Russian and I assign him the name "Oleg the Arms Dealer", or Oleg for short. He's becoming more animated by the minute and finally decides to change tables to the only other table going (a 1/2 table right behind us).

Well, he continues his epic spew of chips, basically losing them over the course of 6-8 hands in a suicidial tilting deathspin. The last hand is a turned straight against his set and when he loses, he has like 5 white chips and 3 redbirds left.

Oleg stands up and fires the nearly-empty chiprack at the older gentlemen who turned the winning straight. Chiprack bounces off older guy's forehead, like in slow motion. I can still his suprised, nearly cross-eyed look as it hurtled towards his France-sized forehead, end over end.

Mr. Chiprack Forehead calls security, and security insta-bumrushes Oleg and jacks him up against the wall. He struggles and says he's going to hit back and they basically work him over against the wall and walk him away.

Older guy plays until he can't take the other players staring at his now Gorbachev-looking blob on his forehead. We laughed about this till like 8am. The rest of the trip was peppered with comments like "If you raise, I will bounce a chiprack off your forehead" and "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, until you bounce a chiprack off someone's head". Good times.

3. @ MGM Grand in Vegas at 2:00amish playing 1/2 NLHE....this young guy to my left has goaded us into straddling each hand. It's a really, really fun table. We're all drinking and just basically shipping pots to each other and having a good time.

Older curmedgeon sits in the 2 seat across from us. He's obviously a local nit. He is all but wearing a shirt that says "I am a local nit". Seriously - his Christian name is "Nitward". OK, not really. But it could've been.

The guy to my left says "Sir, are you going to straddle sir?". He's become strangely formal as his BAC rises to astronomical numbers that can only be expressed with scientific notation.

Nitward replies "I. Never. Straddle. It. Is. Negative. Eee. Vee". He says it like that - slowly like you're trying to order a McDonald's hamburger from someone in a formerly Eastern Bloc country.

The guy to my left (we'll call him "Straddleboy") turns to me and says "He's not going to straddle?". Straddleboy isn't the most cereberal guy I've ever met.

Well, he lets it pass. I decide that this simply can't stand. Something must be done about, and I know just who to call. STRADDLEBOY!

I wait nearly a full orbit, and in I start....

Me: "Hey, you're not going to let him get away with that, are you?"
Straddleboy: ....looks at me cross-eyed as he consumes his 15,000th drink
Me: "This nit is going to rain on your parade, he's going to piddle on your cornflakes, HE'S NOT EVEN GOING TO GRANDMA'S ON CHRISTMAS TO OPEN THOSE REALLY BAD PRESENTS - YOU KNOW, LIKE THE *@#)(@#ING EARMUFFS SHE ALWAYS GETS US".

.....this seems to set Straddleboy off. Finally. I fold my next hand and lean back to enjoy the action.

Straddleboy: "Sir, we all straddle here. Sir please straddle sir, please sir".
Nitward: "I never straddle. It's not profitable".
Me (whisper): "get him get him get him get him...."
Nitward: (Leans over table and screams) - "GO BACK TO YOUR F***ING ISLAND YOU STUPID DUMB F****ING LIMEY".

......huh?

Nitward is a Las Vegas guy. He's not British. WTF?

....but the two very large people in the 3 and 4 seats are from England. We had learned a little while earlier that they play professional rugby.

Ut-oh.

Rugby players (in unison): "OY OY OY OY OY!".

I quickly scoop up my remaining chips and beat a hasty exit as both Rugby players literally come over the table at Straddleboy.

4. @ Planet Hollywood in Vegas, midday, playing 1/2 NLHE....having a slow session and this obviously well-off and well-lubricated older guy sits to my left. He proceeds to take 2 hundos out of his wallet, showing the rest of the table a stack of at least 50 more in his wallet. He loudly asks "So I've never played this game, except in my basement, but I just had a good BlackJack session, so let's go".

He continues to play the "Am I doing this right?" and "Never really played before" cards while he checkraises the 2nd nuts with his nut flush, slowplays a set of Aces, and shuffles 14-18 chips at a time.

My buddy bets me $50 I can't tilt him. I gleefully accept.

Next hand (as if led by a higher power) I turn a boat with the same card that makes his straight. I start to stack the $300 or so in chips that were formerly his, and I pretend to type my ATM pin number into his arm (never actually touched him though). He turns to look at me (we've been friendly up until now) and I ask him if I have to pay network fees.

He shakes it off (obviously a bit confused) while the table laughs, and we continue to play. I proceed to beat him out of large pots in the next 3 hands. He keeps fishing more hundos out of his wallet and telling me how he's just retired and has so many hundos he doesn't care what happens, he's just here for a good time.

I can't tilt this motherf****er. My buddy tells me to ship him 10 redbirds. I ask for one more try.

I turn to the older gentlemen and in a moment of inspired desperation, I quietly inquire "So, where ya from?"

Then he tells me he's Canadian.

Ut-oh.

We proceed to make jokes amongst his within his earshot like:

"Will Canada be a blue or red state in the next election?"
"Canada...gateway to Alaska and other fantastically cold places"
"Canada...America's hat"
"Canada...the 51st state!"

He starts making strange comments about Obama and Canada and oil. I didn't really follow him, but we finally tilted him with an impromptu "HOCK-EY SUX! HOCK-EY SUX!" chant. He starts yelling at us and stacks his chips and leaves as my buddy slowly slides 10 red chips over to my stack.

Good times.

Recap
1. Las Vegas is landlocked and is not the United Kingdom
2. Don't throw chipracks at fellow players.
3. Always make fun of Canada if it's profitable
4. Never, ever, under any circumstances, change your bet at the racebook.

California Grand 3 am -
1/2 NL Game.
This story is not nearly as in depth as some of the others. Just something I saw a drunk do.
Drunk 50 something moves all in after a flop of A 2 7 Rainbow and gets 1 caller. Drunk tables A7 and the Caller shows 27. The turn brings a second 2 and the drunk says "How the hell do you make that call?" The Caller responds I guess I just have balls.. The Drunk stands up and says "balls? BALLS? This is Balls!!" At which point he pulls out his dentures and holds them right in the guys face and says "This is what having balls got me!"