That is priceless.

How can this thread not have 5 stars? well, 5 stars from me.

Playing in a cash game the other night, im out and the guy on the right had been running bad, shows me his hand, and he has top two and in a hand against the loosest player on earth, well he begains to tell the table if he looses this hand he will stick his head in the toliet, flop is 10-9-8, turn 8 river 7, river is check check, buddy next to me flips his top two over, and other guys sits there and finally flips over j-3, guy jumps out of his seat and walks twoards the bathroom in the hallway, no one gets up to look, I finally ask a guy to check on him, he walks over and starts laughing his azz off, I have to look as I cant believe he is sticking his head in the toliet, all I see is his shoulderblades touching the rim of the toliet, and his right arm swinging up to flush it.
I guess you had to be there.

A one-liner I hadn't heard...

In last weekend's 20 game at the Shoe in Tunica, there are two gents, both of whom I have played with on several previous occasions. I'd guess they're in their early 70s, are formidable opponents and they are friends. One of them is gregarious and can be pretty damn funny after about his third Bud Lite, which he always drinks from a 20 oz. styrofoam coffee cup. The other is reserved, but friendly in a "Southern gentlemanly" kind of way.

I also recognize a terribad player from the night before is seated in the game when I join it. Not much happens for an orbit or two except the quieter of the two senior players appears to be stuck the better part of two racks and has just re-bought another. He remains calm when his flopped set of aces gets cracked by someone that flopped an oesd and rivers the straight.

A few hands later, his queens get cracked by one of the calling stations that rivers a set after calling him down on an ace, king high board with a pair of fours. I think I sensed a bit of building frustration.

I cannot remember the hand that finally cracked the poor guy; but, I do know that the terribad player rivered a one outer to win a good sized pot. The funny older guy, now having ingested at least three Bud Lites, looks over at his pal and says, "Just not your day, is it?"

Without missing a beat, he looks up, calls his buddy by name and says, "If I was ****in' a fat girl today, I know I'd get a disease."

I reckon that's one way to express your bad beat frustration without berating some donk.

Golden Nugget, during 2004 WSOP

this is when they had their temporary poker room set up, was a cordoned off area next to the pool. Was 5am, I was playing 4-8. Argument breaks out at a 2-4 table couple tables away. 2 guys arguing, were sitting next to each other. they stand up, continue arguing, when one guy picks up his chair, and tries to stab the other guy with the legs of the chair. Floorman, who was already on his way over, makes a flying tackle on chair weilder. I was amused.

Best one liner I've heard in a while.. Maybe it's a classic, but it's new to me.

Great stories so far, keep em' coming! A++ Thread.

Someone made a comment about a guy not catching any of his hands and the guys replies "I don't think I'd catch the floor if I fell on it right now..."

I'm reading this at work. I laughed so hard that not only did everyone in THIS room look at me funny, so did a few of the people from THE NEXT room over.

Halarious!

I once saw a guy in a wheelchair with a mobile drip kind of thing attached to his arm come to a table to play poker. Then he needed his daily jab, I don't know what it's for, diabetes maybe, and he was going to just do it at the table. A couple of people spoke up and he was like, "Oh it's ok, if I don't mind doing it so why should you?". He ended up doing it in the bathroom. When he came back to the table he asked for a bottle of water then 20min later got out a bunch of medication, maybe 4 or 5 different kinds of tablets and took them while at the table..

He also happened to be a LAG and for some reason I felt that was because he knew he was leaving this world soon and didn't care if he'd won or lost lol.

two stories, both happen at the binion on the same day

2/4 limit.

a friend of mine and i were playing at a table, and this table had definate poles. one end was quiet, and looked like they were pretty despirate for money. our end was much more relaxed, and was having fun. this gentleman to the direct left of the dealer had a decent looking stack, and was probably feeling pretty good from the multiple cocktails he consumed. at no paticular point, he announced he wouldnt look at his hand, and just raise. i know he didnt look at his hand, due to me sitting directly opposite of him, and watching him drop a chip on his hand. he raises and everyone, except for my friend, fold, blinds included. my friend calls down, and the flop is J high rainbow. gentleman raises, friend reraises call. flop and river are bricks, but betting and calling occur on both. friend shows pair of jacks. gentleman laughs, assuming he is beat. he flips one to show A, then flips other to so pocket AA. pretty much our end erupts in riotous laughter, and my friend is out a decent size of his stack.

same day, the BBJ was hit in the room. it was 40-20-30, except the last half was distributed to the room, not just the players at the table. this rule blew my mind, but ill gladly take it. just prior, though, a pretty degen looking guy sits down next to me, drinking his malted beer from a plastic bag. he buys in with $20, and promptly loses most of it. finally, he is left with 1 dollar, way off being a blind. instead of sitting or rebuying, he grabs his 1 dollar chip and leaves. not 45 seconds later, the BBJ was hit. he quickly comes back and asked what happens. its explained to him, along with that had he just sat there, he would be taking home $550, not $1. he quietly says damn, and slowly walks out. as our dealer put it, 'no matter where he is going, its going to be a very long walk.'

This happened a couple weeks ago at the Hard Rock in Tampa.

Two old men (each over 70 years old) at the table next to me start yelling at each other. I couldn't actually hear the words, but they looked serious about it. All action in the few tables around stopped and everyone was watching. Their entire table was laughing hysterically, as well as the people at my table that were sitting directly behind them and could hear the things they were saying. The rest of us were laughing because of the wild hand gestures they made and the look on their faces as they each made their points. This went on for a few minutes, then they started smiling and everything went back to normal...

Or so we thought. I look over a few minutes later and the two old guys are having a handshake fight, where they each try to squeeze each others hand hard enough to make the other give up. Again, all action stops at these few tables to watch and laugh. I wish it had occurred to me to take out my phone and record it. This goes on for a couple minutes, then they started smiling and everything went back to normal...

Or so we thought. A few minutes later, the guy at my table seated directly behind them says, "Are they really planning to take this outside?" We all look over, and sure enough, Old Guy#1 has picked up his chips and gets up to cash out. Old Guy#2 is trying to quickly grab his chips and catch up. All action stops again while the dealer calls over the supervisor to get security and make sure nothing happens. Supervisor stops Old Guy#2 and he starts yelling at the supervisor. Meanwhile, Old Guy#1 keeps walking away and we don't see him again. Old Guy#2 sits back down a couple minutes later and continues playing.

I sit down to a $300 min/max NL must move table at Greektown Casino in Detroit about (3) years ago. This 60ish guy who is so dirty that he literally looks like he just crawled out of a garbage can is raising and re-raising nearly every pot and every street. He is sitting with about $1600 in front of him and has managed to cause everyone at the table play nearly every hand. In the first 1/2 hour, (3) players have re-bought multiple times. Nearly every pot in this $2/$4 game has several hundred dollars in it. Suddenly and inexplicably, security comes over and tells dirty he has to leave. The table immediately starts asking "why?!" After they escort the guy to the cage, one of the security guards tells the table the the guy is a homeless street bum who has been banned from the casino for using the bathroom as his personal shower, shi**er, etc. To which a 20-something kid literally yells, "What? That homeless bum just beat me out of $800, you need to let him stay!!!"

In the room where I work, one player brings a service animal with him. It's a small dog that he sits on a chair next to him while he plays. The dog apparently can detect when its owner is in danger of having a seizure. One day, the man is carrying the dog to his table when I overhear the following exchange between a player and a dealer:

Player: "Is that a seeing-eye dog?"
Dealer: "I hope not. He's carrying it."

BACKSTORY

Last Sunday, I was supposed to go to NYC with a family friend (Danny) that is like 5 years older than me...well the weather wasn't looking so great and his friend texted him and told him not to come down because it was pouring.

So...My mom asked if he wanted to go to Turning Stone with us and we got there at like 1.

Well, the Sept. Poker Weekend tournaments were going on and I think it was a $125 event that was going on with 86 people entered.

In 2 hours, because it started at 11am, 46 were left and 10 places got paid...1st = ~$5,600

Anyway Danny knew how to play but didn't really undertsand or want to sit down not knowing every nuance about casino poker so we decided to watch some of the tourney.

THIS IS WHERE THE FUN STARTS...

We watched this one table for around an hour before we left to eat (they had a 45-min break in 20 mins.) A ~45 yr. old guy with sunglasses and a black short-zipper fleece jacket was talking like his idol was Phil Hellmuth...he was questioning other's play (even when not in the hand), using lingo in every sentence, and he would keep self-approving his plays when he won a pot or made a tough fold...Odds are that at least half of the table wanted to kick his ass.

Well anyway, we went to eat and when we got back, there were only 18 players (2 tables) left. They had the tables right across from each other around 15-20 ft. apart. A bunch of viewers made their way over and a rail of ~15 people including me were watching Table 1 because many were short on chips.

Then all of a sudden from the other table...I watch the guy, with his back toward me, storm up and say:

"What the f-ck are you doing playing those cards...are you a f-cking idiot?!"

Everyone, even the whole other table made there way over as appreantly this one guy got lucky on him and caught a backdoor flush, both were high in chips and the loudmouth had the other guy covered but he was pissed about having to sweat out the money, when he could have coasted.

HAND HISTORY
The idiot was a younger kid, so I can assume he is aggresive. Anyway both start bickering back and forth and things are heated as a huge crowd is over, as well as the TD?

Then an older man w/ glasses, who apprently had enough of Hellmuth Jr. said:

"I'm sick of you, you haven't shut your trap the whole day...your the idiot."

At this point Hellmuth Jr. was on a tirade, calling the older man out and then the dealer called the floor over, the loudmouth got a 10 min. penalty and he just said "Whatever." and walked out.

It was pretty amusing and entertaining...Danny was laughing as well as I and he said:

"Jeez, I didn't think a person could have an ego problem at this level."

One of my favorites:

I've never been to LV, is there no max buy-in at 2/5?

Really funny story btw I def lol'd

"do i look like a guy knocking over quickie-marts with 'born-to-lose' tattooed on my chest?"

( robert deniro -- HEAT )

It was in Reno, but I thought the same thing. The response from the other thread:

Great Thread! Here is one I posted at the time, but still funny...

I was playing 1/3 NL at the Golden Moon in Philadelphia, MS last year and saw something I’ve never seen that was absolutely hilarious. Let me set it up a little. I had a real character on my left in the #4 seat. Bright yellow suit, matching derby, matching shoes and talking to everyone about everything. He had been playing most hands and raising most of the time with nothing, so let’s call him “loose guy”

“Serious guy” is in seat #7 and two fairly large guys are sitting between him and the #4 “loose guy” seat, so it’s hard for them to see whether the other one has cards. Anyway, “loose guy” and “Serious guy” had been in several hands together and had been bantering back and forth for a while when this hand came up. Serious guy has around $500 and loose guy has around $1000.
• Loose guy raised to $9 – his equivalent of a limp. Serious guy re-raised to $18. Four players see the flop of Kxx.
• On the flop, everyone checks to serious guy, who makes it $65.
• EVERYONE folds quickly while serious guy is looking at his lap.
• Dealer collects the mucked cards, flips over the flop cards into the muck, when Loose Guy sees that serious guy is still looking in his lap & decides to be funny and says “$165”
• Serious guy says “All-in”
• Loose guy, continuing his joke, says “Call!”
• Serious guy, apparently thinking that the hand is still going on, triumphantly flips over KK for top set. He then notices that there is no longer a flop on the board, the dealer has the muck cards in a nice pile, the (small) pot is being gathered and pushed to him, and there are no more players in the hand. The best part was the dealer's look of "Poor guy, you were punked" that she had on her face as she pushes the pot toward him.
• Serious guy seems obviously upset at being made fun of and immediately calls for the floor since “verbal bets are binding”
• Floor rules that while verbal bets are binding, they are only binding when you have action pending or coming your way – not after you have folded and the dealer is collecting the cards and going to the next hand.

Completely wasted fish going on and on about how he hates playing with people who are drunk

This is too funny. He was prob on acid.

Here is mine:

Was playing in a 5-10 NL game and been getting into it on a bunch of hands with the guy seated directly to my right. He was SB and I was BB. We both have about $1300 behind. Folded around to button who made standard raise. SB re-raises to like $100 and I call, button folds. Flop is AA7 and he bets something like $125, I call. Turn is a 10 he checks, I bet $200 and shoves, which I instacall. River is a 10 and before anything else happens he starts going nuts. Calling me a complete donkey incapable of thinking. You are an f-ing idiot playing A rag...what the f did you think I had when I reraised the turn...of course the board paired...yada yada...as he flips his pocket sevens in disgust and keeps calling me an idiot. This was all so loud that the entire poker had stood up to see what was going on. I look at him and smile and flip over my AA. The table went absolutely nuts. He just walked away and didn't come back by the time i racked up and left.

the only thing sweeter than victory is the lamentations of the defeated.

gh, sir.

A few days ago i was playing £1/£1 in my local casino, on my left is a foreign young guy who is one of those players who thinks he's much better than he actually is and is essentially a very low level thinker, in a hand earlier he bets pot on the flop and the other 3 players fold, he slams jack high on the table triumphantly and almost dives across the table to scoop the pot, the dealer stops him (hasnt taken the rake yet) and tells him he will be pushed the pot and not to grab it.

A few hands later almost the exact situation again, he bets into 4 people and all 3 fold except the button who has cards but the button is right in front of the cards so although visible not directly obvious. This guys slams jack high again on the table and dives to scoop the pot, the dealer tells him the button hasnt folded yet and he may now only call a bet and cant raise. So the button calls the bet and a blank turn comes giving the douche jack high still, the button bets £1 into a pot of about £26 and the foreign gut folds really embarassed, the button then shows 67s for no pair no draw just 7 high and we all laugh for a while and congratulate the button on his play