We B&M players get something the online players never get: the ability to see drunks do funny things. So, and don't feel like you necessarily have to recount the deeds of drunks, but what's the funniest thing youve ever seen happen in a cardroom?

Here's a recent favorite:

This was late June, 2009, the first time I took my new fiance to the Taj poker room. I was sitting and playing $1-2NLHE. We'd been chatting with the guy to my right, a young-ish Steel Pier worker who had gotten off and come straight to the poker table, ordered a few drinks, and begun playing. After an hour or so, and about 5 drinks, he decided it was time to hit the bathroom, which he announced to everyone. He stood up and, inexplicably, his shorts fell clean down around his ankles, exposing his... um... small blind. So, with the horse out of the stable, he stares in disbelief out into nothingness for a sec, then finally pulls 'em up. My fiance had been sitting behind me, so she was eye-level with his Johnson (and unimpressed, apparently), and suggested he pull up his pants. He did so, saying he should buy a belt, and walked off to the bathroom.

Not exactly funny haha but...

Playing at the Goldstrike in Tunica years ago the floor approaches a player seated directly behind me at another table in the 1 seat. Apparently the player is so drunk that he can't keep up with the game at all and basically has no idea what's going on.

Floor asks the player to come with him telling him he will get him some food at the buffet. The player agrees, stands up, and projectile vomits all over the table, his chips, his neighbor's chips, and the dealer's tray. I have never seen a table clear so fast since.

Resurrected my post from "The Biggest Degenerate in AC Thread." This was the funniest thing I have ever seen in a casino:

[QUOTE]

I was going to nominate myself for this title. However, since the subject of Carlo came up. I will add my two redbirds.

I walk into the Borg at 4am one Sunday morning after not being able to sleep. There is one 10/20 game going and I get seated next to Carlo on his left. Carlo is seated, holding his head between his hands, and is covered with a blanket, sleeping at the table. With a blanket!! READ IT CORRECTLY/WITH A BLANKET!!!

People are actually complaining, that Carlo is sleeping with a blanket, in the middle of a game.


When the floor tries to wake him up and ask him to leave the game, he says "if I don't play my cards just fold my hand." So the floor tells me to take two greasy chips from his stack (there was a mound of stacks he accumulated) and post Carlo's blinds, which I do. (I imagine if I was a sheep I would have been lead to the slaughterhouse at an early age.) I then raise UTG with any two, its folded around to Carlo who is snoring, and I win fifteen bucks with seven deuce. And so it goes for the next three hours like that. I post Carlo's blinds, occasianally Carlo awakes out of his slumber to look at a hand or two, and we have the only 10/20 game in town going on an early autumn Sunday morning. The only thing missing was Johnny Cash singing "Sunday Morning Coming Down." Carlo finally awoke, folded his blue blanky, and walks off to the buffet I assume, leaving his chips behind.


The really funny thing to me is that people see me and call me Carlo. That happened when Swami was drunk as a skunk in a trunk in a church full of monks. Swami just started busting my balz and calling me Carlo at the top his lungs, and the name stuck. Now everybody in 10/20 land thinks I am Carlo...

Carlo

[UNQUOTE]

I had a very Drunk player attempt to rack up his tournment chips and try to cash them out

I was at Hollywood Park at 3AM and I get a drunk guy to my left with a really skanky chick next to him. He is raising every hand and getting called and is dropping cash fast. But for some reason the guy seems to like me and he keeps whispering to me what he's holding. Finally, i look down at Kings and he raises and I bump it up to $300. He goes all in and I call. He flips over 9-4o. Kings hold up and he starts saying to the chick, "I thought me and him were tight".

So he mumbles under his breath a few choice words for the next five hands. Finally, I see him get out of his chair and **** a fist. The problem for him was it seemed to take 6 seconds for him to do it, so when he finally unleashes the punch, I moved to the right and he misses, sprawls on the table and splashes everyone's chips to the left of me.

Security comes over and takes him away and the chick yells at me that I cost her the money he owed for a blow job.

There are fewer better places to play than Hollywood Park at 3AM.

not as funny but expensive...

Fallsview (3am) 3 players all-in, pot easily 3K. 2P vs. NFD vs. set (drunk guy has the set)

turn & river bring no help so the drunk dude stands up and slams his cards on the table (or tries to.) a little un-coordinated though (to say the least) he wobbles, the cards hit the rail and flop into the muck, face down! ship the pot left & cue security to escort one drunk (& now extremely belligerent) man to a cab.

live pokers are funny

I can't believe you stooped so low as to rob a hooker...

At Hollywood Park I didn't think robbing a hooker was stooping low.

I thought I was stealing from royalty!

WOW... that's absolutely classic!

AB

Are you sure this story isn't from the Taj in AC?

Great story. The hooker's line will be my new bad beat catchphrase.

Note the ironic failure of the prof filter in this post. It blocked a perfectly acceptable, non-vulgar use of the word 'c0ck' but didn't have any problems with 'blow job.'

Is Blow Job profane?

AB

Two of the stranger moments I have ever witnessed happened at the Trop early on a sunday. Me and my friends arrive, check in, and get seated at the 4 or 5 1/2 tables that were running at 11am. We get seated seperately and I can see that at least two of the guys at my table are regulars, both supposedly waiting for a bigger game to open up. One of these guys is a 40-50 yr old bald white fellow with a gut and a very bad limp. He takes a beat in a big pot and starts bragging how this money isnt anything to him, even though his wardrobe looks like it cost $20 total 5 years ago. He then procedes to whip out a very large stack of 100's, probaly stuffed with singles, and drops it next to chips as if to say "Yeah, thats how I roll". At this time the other regular seated directly across the table from him, A very annoying older asian fellow, reaches over saying "let me see" and grabs the wadd of cash. The guy reacts about two seconds too late to stop the villian and now has a scared "Oh no" look as the Asian is examining his roll. What happens next is very reminiscent of an older brother holding a younger brothers toy up in the air and taunting him. The guy has a beaten scared look on his face and starts asking sheepisly for his money back until the asian man gives in, but not before 5 minutes pass and the man looks like he is going to cry. I really thought they were going to have to call the floor.

Then, about two hours later I have more than doubled my initial $300 buy in and am involved in a hand with the asian reg. I made the nut straight on the turn in a multiway pot and when I put in a nice size bet he gets pissed complaining that I have a monster and folds. I get one caller who folds on the river and with the guy still complaining I throw my cards in the muck only to see him reach in, pull them out and expose them to the table.

He then says, "See, you play tight, too many good hands." I don't even know how to react at this point and before I can think of anything he quickly grabs his chips and leaves the table. The dealer did nothing and everyone at the table is equally shocked. I felt pretty powerless as the guy left with no penalty and the dealer shrugged off the incident as if it happens regularly. Still dont know what I should have done there but I left a few hands after a big winner so it wasnt all bad.

Reposted from the SSLHE LC thread ...

This story is set at a 4/8 table at the Bellagio around 2005, which is important because (a) the Bellagio is one of the most cramped rooms in the world, (b) they often stick the 4/8 games in the casino-side alcove, which is even more cramped than the rest of the room, and (c) it's the middle of the poker boom, so the room is absolutely filled.

I took my seat at the table next to a horrendously obese man. How he got into his seat is somewhat of a mystery - his back is pushing back against the wall to Bobby's room and his gut extends to the edge of the table and then some. He was in seats 4, 5, and 6 simultaneously, but only one of which was actually assigned to him. I had the misfortune of being assigned seat 6, which was basically seat 6.5.

Being within millimeters of a morbidly obese man had its advantages - he inhaled every time a card was dealt, but held his breath until he had bet if he had a good hand. I knew every time a check-raise was coming because he'd sit there holding his breath. Alas, the $8 or $16 this saved was barely enough to compensate for the obvious drawback of being at the most crowded seat at the most crowded table in the most crowded section of the most crowded casino ever.

At some point, my friend (at another table) came over and whispered into my ear, "The guy next to you is so fat he has his pants unzipped." I wait for an opportune moment to confirm, but yes, indeed, as he holds his breath in, his gut retracts enough from the edge of the table to confirm that there is one fewer layer of clothing between us (humanity) and this guy's dick than there should be.

Disgusting as that sounds, it is but a prelude of what was about to happen. For even as his pants were unbuttoned and unzipped to make room for the ever-expanding gut, there was still not enough room in those pants to contain his manhood.

"I'm going to pull down my pants a little," he declared.

Chaos ensued. The table had to be pulled back about 3 inches just so the tsunami of blubber didn't capsize the table; with a groan, fatty manages to stand up. With his legs apart (straddling his chair) he is unable to pull down his pants, so he elects to turn to the side.

At first, I thought I got the short end of the stick when he turned away from me, and I practically jumped into my neighbor's seat to distance myself from the enormous ass which was now pointed directly at my face. Then I heard the screams of horror from the other side of the mountain and realized that I only had the second worst seat in the house.

Everyone at the table (and the next table, and passers-by, and no doubt surveillance) was laughing except for Seat 4 and me. With a mighty heave, the pants were yanked down about an inch, exposing a little bit of underwear and a little bit of the goods underneath. With a second heave, another inch. And then a third. Three inches of naked, obese, sweaty ass crack was about 5 inches from my face, and I couldn't look away out of sheer horror.

Finally, the guy sat back down, and things returned pretty quickly to normal, since his enormous gut flopped back on the edge of the table and hid everything from view.

Callipygian....you know there are some humorous things posted on here from time to time that give me a chuckle but I was literally crying when I got to the "I'm going to pull down my pants a little," part!!! Man I've got tears in my eyes as I type this. Classic sir, simply classic. You made my night!!

Turning Stone, last spring/summer:

Playing some 1/2NL and some donk sucks out on a tight regular. The reg berates the donk, and they end up getting into a pissing contest/argument. The entire table (other than the donk and reg) are rolling their eyes, waiting either for a fist to get thrown or the floor to get called. The quick thinking dealer, before dealing the next hand sternly tells the two, "Alright, from no on, THIS IS THE NO TALKING TABLE!" They both shut up in mid-sentence, as if they were about to get arrested. The dealer then proceeds to make at least $7 in tips before even dealing the next hand.

Haha, awesome. But oh wow would that NEVER work in California. Dealer would likely get punched in the face.

Well I can't compete with some of these, but I witnessed an event a few weeks ago that gave my table a ton of joke material for an hour.

Playing $4/8 at the Gold Strike in Tunica during the first weekend of the WPO. We've got a kid at the table who doesn't look old enough to be in the casino but apparently he is. He's a nice kid and every 20 minutes or so, two girls (not cute) come be-bopping over to the table to talk to him. They are partying in the club that is set up in the theater area directly across from the poker room, at the top of the escalators. They are obviously drinking but don't appear to be drunk. They keep coming over and giggling and telling him to come and drink with them. Finally he racks up and says he's going to go hang out with them.

Fast forward and hour or two, it's about 2 am and I'm still at the table. I notice the guy is now playing a table directly behind ours and I see one of the girls sitting behind him in a chair. She looks tired and drunk, but nothing major. All of a sudden I see our dealer's eyes get big and he has this look of horror. We turn around to see the girl hurling on the floor between our two tables!!! She's yacking up all those drinks and people at their table remain pretty calm as she just hangs her head on the edge of her chair, almost passed out and seemingly unaware what's happening. Our table is in near hysterics but trying not to make the situation worse. The young kid quickly racks up, runs to the cage and cashes out. He grabs her and basically drags her towards the escalators. She can't walk and it looks alot like a scene from Weekend at Bernie's.

I'm sitting 3 foot from the puke and I hear their dealer yell, "clean up on Table X". It's late, we're all tired and we are just rolling with laughter at this point. I don't want to turn around and look at the whole aftermath, but it's sort of like a train wreck...you can't help but look. I finally turn and look and realize that she probably should have had a few less of the blue drinks! UGH!!!!

The clean up crew takes their time getting there and I comment that I need to go to the men's room but I have on brand new tennis shoes and my wife would be ticked if I ruined them playing poker.

That was the night I figured out that there is no way I could have a janitor/clean up crew position in a casino.

This entire thread delivers, so I should probably have something to add...

Not terribly amusing, but one of my favorite spectacles used to be this ratty goofy pimp who I'm not sure was in possession of all his faculties, who used to sit and play crazy and hold up the game with his wild gesticulations, all the while his fat hookers hanging on, bored as could be. Every now and again he'd order them the cheapest item on the menu, or snap at them to buy him a pack of smokes. A lot of people were bugged by him, but I thought he was genuinely and intentionally amusing with some of his comments, and he could make a decent move here or there.

wish I had a story to add, but none would really stack up, so I leave you with:



(please?)

No way!

I was just poking fun at the uselessness of the profanity filter.

One of my favorites, I'm sure you've all seen it.

The drunk trying to rack up his chips with the rack upside down.

So glad everyone is enjoying this thread :-) Keep it alive guys, im a 3L at a Florida law school (so ~400 miles from a decent cardroom) and need something to keep me awake.

Have another one that is mildly amusing, mostly because I profited directly from the situation. I was playing 1/2 at the Borgata one night when the tables used to be downstairs. Its about 1-2 am and a 30 something drunk fat guy lumbers down the escalators laughing like a fool, sits down at our table and begins an annoying habit of giving a lecture every time the action gets to him. Someone will raise it will get to him and he will tank it and start annoucing how the raiser has two high cards and his low pair wont play cause high cards will come out blah blah blah. The table is getting sick of this guy fast and starts busting his chops, not to mention the dealer is getting pissed cause he is killing all the action.

So I get dealt Kings in late position and drunk chatter box puts in an early raise of 12 or so. I re-pop it to 35 and he immediately starts his speech, but this time he is telling me that I am just position raising and I'm not the strong. He calls and the flop comes 9 high rainbow. He bets out 30 and I move in for the rest of my chips, about another 120 or so. The guy has about 120 left as well and starts an epic 5-10 min long think session talking to himself and the table the whole time telling me he has jacks and he thinks they are good and asking do I have it, do I , do I. It would look like he was going to call then he would pull his stack back, then he looked like he would fold then pull his cards back.

The table finally called the clock on him after some time all the while urging him to hurry the hell up. Finally he announces he made up his mind, pushes his stack out past his cards then pulls it back fast and throws the cards in. The dealer immediately annouces "THATS A CAll" and the drunk is shocked mumbling how he threw the cards in and thats a fold. The dealer happily tells him that pushing his stack that far out is call and the rest of the table almost cheers cause its obvious to everyone but Mr Drunk that I have a higher pair. I hold up and stack him and I am pretty sure I earned more tips on that hand than the dealer, not to mention I was table hero the rest of the night since the guy left right after the hand. Although without the table and dealer helping me out I probaly woundn't have gotten his chips. Teamwork is great.

Im crying with laughter, truely amazing story