This is great. Note to self - play in more games with wanted felons - added arrest-in-middle-of-hand-equity

What are the ethics behind tank-calling the police here?

Lucky the felon in Fore's first story didn't say, "call". Even though he couldn't physically move his chips, verbal is binding...

Nice stories, Fore. Thanks for sharing.

My weird story isn't all that amusing. Back when (~2004), Excalibur hand a wheel in the poker room to spin for Aces cracked, get some cash back. Sure enough, mine got beat. Between the time the floor verified and I walked over to take my spin, someone leaned over the little half-wall and cracked a player over the head with a beer bottle.

Needless to say, the people in the room lost interest in me spinning for a while til that situation got cleared up. I shoulda just moved the wheel to max prize during the commotion and seen how that went.

Maybe if I spent more time in poker rooms, I'd have more interesting stories.

The police told him to stand and cuffed him immediately after wife said all in. Almost at the same instant. Maybe if he immediately said call but once he was standing and being lead away, pretty sure any ruling would be he had abandoned his hand.

It was when the police were taking him out when he told his friends ‘I had top set of course I WAS GOING to call. The funniest part IMO was that neither he or his friends put together he might just have bigger problems than this hand of poker.

Player calls, wins, starts to blind off, makes bail, comes back to claim his 'lucky' ticket .. GL

Back when I first started playing poker I was broke. Like broke-broke. So, like any good broke college student, I played 2-4 limit with my degen friends that I met at the local card room. We would speak exclusively in bad Russian accents and say things like "I don't always lose with boat, but when I do, I lose to bigger boat!" until people got fed up with us. One day the guy to my immediate left was JUST drunk enough to believe we were actually Russian and he put me in a headlock because he hated Russians apparently. No one stopped him, the game continued to be play, the dealer didn't call the floor, and he didn't let go for a solid minute.

I never used the Russian accent again.

lol nice

Attending college while playing 2/4 limit and hanging out with friends is a ways away from broke-broke.

Having your food and living expenses on the table doesn't qualify as broke-broke on 2p2, I forgot. #insurmountabledebt #BBV

Cmon af be better at being broke ffs

Played with possibly the most toxic player ever who happened to be an older woman (who honestly was hot).

Playing 1/2 on a Friday night. Worked $300 buyin up to $900 and table breaks at 1am. Figure I'll see if there's any drunk people who hate money at the new table or am ready to leave. Boy did I find her.

I get placed in seat 7, in seat 8 is this woman who looks mid 30's from a distance but probably closer to 50. She has big fake boobs, a Louis Vatton purse, an expensive designer dress that barely covers her nips on the top and her ass on the bottom. She obviously had very expensive plastic surgery on her face.

She has this huge pile of unstacked chips including a 1k chip. As I sit, she's in a hand with another guy on the turn on a Axxx dry board. She shoves (his stack is like $500). He tank calls with AK. She binks a T for a set on the river. She then mocks this guy telling him to grow some balls and come back. She then proceeds to stack 2 other guys with similar luck box rivers. Every time she is saying things that would likely get into a fight if she were a man.

I'm just mostly folding b/c it's playing 1-2-50 every hand with her raising to $50 or $25 or $100 whatever her evil fingers happen to pull off the pile like an arcade claw machine.

Then she snaps her fingers and this guy appears from behind. He looks about 30 and like he walked off a GQ photo set. She tells him to stack her chips and color her up. He complies and this poor SOB has the deadest eyes I've seen. Being a sugar baby may pay well but this guy was probably rethinking his life choices. He then goes back to the wall. She says, "That's my boy toy".

The worst part was, half the table was simping for this *****. Telling her they would be her boy-toy. Right in front of Boy-Toy.

I don't normally rip in $900 with top-top but I do and hold on. I never get obnoxious when I win but I yelled "Ship it.". I win one more $500 pot from her then stack up and leave.

She tries to get flirty to get me to stay. I tell her it's no simp Saturday and leave.

[ ] weird
[ ] funny

[x] long winded humble brag

While this didn't happen directly at a poker table, I was playing poker at the time so it sort of qualifies.

A few years ago I was playing at Planet Hollywood Las Vegas. This was when poker was in the middle of the casino along the main drag. I get up from the table to go to the washroom. The nearest washroom is back next to the Total Rewards booth back by the back entrance of the casino right accross from the Mexican bar/karaoke bar YOLO.

Now this is one of the nastiest bathrooms you will ever find in a strip casino. There are 5 urinals and there are always lakes of piss on the floor around each urinal.

Anyway, this was a Friday or Saturday night so the casino was busy. As a result when I get to the washroom all of the urinals are occupied and three people are waiting. I get in line and wait. I reach the front of the line and a urinal opens. I remember the black guy walking away from the urinal because he was wearing a bright orange neon winter coat (one of those Michillen Man ski coats) despite the fact it was summer and probably 100 degrees outside.

So I walk up to the urinal, unzip and start to do my business. The urinals have a little shelf above then where people can set their drinks on while they pee. On the shelf in front of me was a Coors Light with about 2 inches of beer left in the bottom of it.

All of a sudden a hands reaches from behind me startles me, and grabs the beer off of the shelf. I quickly turn my head to see who is behind me while I am in this vulnerable position. It is some young 20 something white guy "bro" in a button down shirt. He grabs the beer and walks out of the washroom.

Now I cannot help but think to myself that this beer has been sitting in this nasty bathroom for at least 5 minutes. I am at least the second person to use this urinal after the owner of the beer left it there. There was only two inches of beer left in the bottle.

For one, I would never bring a drink into this nasty bathroom and put it above urinals that are constantly flushing and throwing urine particles into the air. If for some reason I did bring a drink in there and then forgot it and left it behind, I am certainly not going back for it and reaching around a stranger who is peeing at the urinal.

I am writing it off and just getting a new beer.

While we are on the subject of the nasty PH bathroom, here is another story.

I go to use the same bathroom and there is a $5 chip in the urinal sitting in a bath of urine.

I obviously leave it behind, but when I get back to the table I bring it up for discussion. I ask how high of denomination of chip it would have to be before you would even consider trying to rescue it? As everyone at the table is talking and giving their answers and trying to come up with ways to get the chip in a sanitary mamner, this old man gets up and walks away from the table.

A few minutes later he comes back to the table holding a $5 chip. He walks back to his seat, sits down and adds a chip to his stack. Someone calls him out on it and asks if that chipis from the urinal? He doesn't answer but everyone is now laughing/mad that he would just put it on his stack.

Finally the dealer calls over the floor. She asks for a towel. She takes the towel, grabs the chip, exchanges it for the chip that was going to be dropped for the rake and play continues. After the hand the winning player throws her $1 as the customary tip. Another player throws her $1 and says that is for her quick thinking. Myself and a few other players also the throw her a few bucks.

No one says anything directly because the old man is still sitting right there, but it is quite obvious what his answer was to how high of denomination of chip it would have to be before he would consider trying to rescue it.

Nah, you just narrowed the ceiling to $5. You'll have to incrementally go down to $2.50, $1, and then coins if needed.

Years ago when I was new to poker in a cardroom. There was a dog track/poker room in the parking lot of the Daytona 500 racetrack. It was a crappy run down building and state regs limited NLHE to $1/2 with a $100 max buy in. So this story doesn't involve big numbers by today's standards.



I won a big pot on the river and reflexively said, "sorry about that" to the loser.

He angrily told me to give the money back if I was sorry. I honestly said, "I'm sorry you're upset."

Mr. Tilt went ballistic, cursing and yelling at me and the dealer. I've improved, but I don't always deal well with people yelling at me. So as a dig, I told him, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

That made him even more angry, and I found ever more creative ways to say, "I'm sorry" to each of his verbal assaults. The dealer couldn't calm the player down. I was having a blast.

The player called the floor over to complain that I kept apologizing to him. The floor became more than a little exasperated with the angry man as I quietly and calmly sat there. The floor asked me not to aggravate the man to which I told the floor, "I'm sorry, it won't happen again. I'm sorry we bothered you."

The floor rolled his eyes and hung back while the next hand was dealt. The angry player rebought and announced raise, throwing a chip in the pot. I asked the dealer, I'm sorry, how much is the raise?"

Before the dealer could answer, Mr. Tilt yelled and cursed in most colorful language that it was an {F bomb} green $25 chip. The floor gave him a final warning.

I sat quietly, unmoving for about 10 seconds, looking at nothing in particular. The dealer asked me if I knew the action was on me and I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize. I'm sorry, How much is the bet again?"

Mr Tilt stood up as if he was going to come after me and the floor threw him out. I got a warning that I would be next if i didn't quit being a jerk.

Yeah, winners should STFU. I had had my fun, but it would have been much better to keep Mr. Tilt's money at the table.

^^ that’s a solidly good story. Genuinely lol’ed when you got to the next hand

Tunica Horseshoe, 2019.



I was stuck sitting between a couple of very senior citizens discussing their various and innumerable medical conditions. For our purposes here, they are Old Guy #1 and #2 (OG1 and OG2).

The conversation had started with what sounded like two vinophiles arguing over which is better vintage, the 98 or the 99 LePoof deFart, only these two guys weren’t talking about their favorite wines, they were discussing laxatives. I got to hear which faster ass blaster tasted better, which one gave stomach pains the next day, and which one caused OG2 to not get any sleep because he had crapped the whole night away and half the next day. And what do you know…, just when he thought he had crapped all the crap that could be crapped out of his burning crap hole, he had to crap again.

I had had all I could take. Exasperated, I said, “Guys, I don’t give a shirt about your shirt, can you PLEASE change the subject?”

They seemed offended that I had somehow intruded upon their conversation, as if me sitting between them at a crowded poker table entitled them privacy. But a couple of the other players at the far end of the table quickly agreed with me and one guy shouted sarcastically, “Hey, let’s talk about your last prostate exams. That should be fun.”

The two oldsters didn’t take the hint but at least their next topic departed from their anal orifices. They moved on to diabetes. I don’t know squat about diabetes but it has something to do with sugar and a unit of measure called A1C. Diabetic people, especially old diabetic people, love to talk about sugar and brag about their A1C numbers. And that’s when the real competition started.

Apparently, A1C is a competitive sport where each player tries to out do the other with various tales of woe about sugar highs, sugar lows, and A1C scores that shocked their doctors and quite possibly set new world records in the Olympic Sugar High Jump competition.

OG1 seemed to be getting frustrated that he was losing this round, so he tried to play his trump card, “Well I had a stroke at Christmas.” OG2 apparently didn’t hear him because OG2 was not going to be interrupted while telling his own tale of being rushed to the emergency room in a sugar coma.

So OG1 repeated, “I had a stroke at Christmas!” OG2 was still unfazed and continued with his own story. Not to be deterred, OG1 pounded the table, “I SAID…I HAD A STROKE AT CHRISTMAS. NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?” He then proudly sat back in his chair like it was a mic drop moment and he was basking in the gory glory of righteous diabetic victory.

That was finally enough to have OG2 STFU, and in that moment of blessed quiet, I said, “Well, I’d THINK it was Christmas if someone would give me a few strokes.”

Some at the table laughed, some cringed. The poker game ground to a halt while the dealer failed in trying not to laugh. OG1 tried making a gay joke (yawn) at my expense, “it sounds like you’re asking me, but I assure you, I’m not your type.”

So I told him, “if you'd pop out that lousy set of dentures, I’ll give you a chance to convince me I’m having a Happy New year.”

Neither Old Guy was too happy with the turn of events, but at least that brought an end to all of the Old Guy medical drama.

I did something similar many years ago at a Caesar's in Atlantic City with a HUGE muscular guy with dreadlocks who was running over the the table. Every time he won, he mocked & belittled the loser and went on & on about how much more better he was than they are! Amazingly, Mr Dreadlocks even mocked & belittled players when he would lose! "You sucked out on me! You're the worst player I've ever seen! I'm the greatest! etc etc"

It was actually a little scary since he was so huge (and drunk) but I couldn't resist pulling an "Ali G" on him!
The next time he ranted how we all suck and don't even appreciate how great he is.... I waited a few seconds until there was a moment of silence... put on my most sincere innocent face... looked right at him and said "I think you are a very talented player and really respect your skills!"

The table burst out laughing and Dreadlocks began to get REALLY angry and stared me down but I managed to maintain my sincere look and he finally just mumbled: "Uh... thanks!"

Gold Jerry. That is gold.

Late night/early morning at Aria. OMC with a US Airforce veteran hat sits down in the seat next to me. We start chatting about flying, he is a vet and he tells me what he flew etc. Few minutes go by, and I start to hear this clicking noice. Click.. click...click... Look down, and the guy has a nail clipper on his keychain and is casually clipping his nails under the table. Was close to puking.

Few days later at Bellagio. Sit down, Asian guy to my left is close to blackout drunk. He is slurring his speech, can barely sit in his chair. Gets involved with an OMC who he tries to bluff, does not work out and OMC wins the pot. Asian guy leans over to the OMC, stares him in the face and after 1 minute: "Hey old man, want me to take you up and **** you in your ass on the nightstand table?" At this point nobody at the table knows if they should laugh or not, it is just so awkward. Few minutes go by, he keeps ordering double redbull vodkas. He now tries to grab the cards of other players. I call floor over, explain the situation and the guy is kicked out of the poker room.

Late night, friendly $1-2. Button in S3 fumbles his cards a bit and S1 says he saw a 6. Dealer says there's already been action and it didn't happen on the initial deal so hand will continue then repeats that S1 thinks he saw a 6.

Button says "I don't care. You saw what you saw. I'm playing this hand anyway." then turns both cards face up. 6c7d.

Hand continues with several limpers. Button and both blinds limp. Cards are still face up.

I joke that the flop is going to be 777.

Flop comes out - 5d 8d 9c. He flopped the nuts.

Button says "Hell yeah! I'm all in!" and pushes his $150 or so in.

Dealers pushes it back and says action isn't on him yet.

MP bets $2. Button and BB both call!

Turn Js making higher straight possible. Checks around.

River 3d, making flush possible. Checks around and button takes it. BB flopped top 2, MP had 7T for straight draw. Once we all stop laughing there are a few comments about how someone should have tried to steal it.

This is a really good one! I love the passive aggressiveness of constantly apologizing.

The floor couldn't figure out how to discipline me because I was the most polite guy on the room.