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Old 07-20-2008, 03:20 PM   #51
pfapfap
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

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...ok... Tired of typing. The list is endless.
TEASE!
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Old 07-20-2008, 05:28 PM   #52
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

Everytime you are in a hand make a running commentary of what the other players are doing in a Rob Schneider/SNL/copyroom skit voice:

"Player number 3 calling the BB...calling for a flop...callamundo...Player number 4 looking at me funny..."
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Old 07-20-2008, 05:49 PM   #53
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

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-- Hide yourself in your hoodie after every large bet.

you could also do this after really small bets as well.
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Old 07-20-2008, 05:55 PM   #54
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

Wear your hoodie backwards, with the hood up, completely covering your face. Then no matter what street it is, whether you are in the hand or not ask. "Is it to me yet? What's the bet? Why is it so dark in here?"
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Old 07-20-2008, 06:09 PM   #55
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

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Everytime you are in a hand make a running commentary of what the other players are doing in a Rob Schneider/SNL/copyroom skit voice:

"Player number 3 calling the BB...calling for a flop...callamundo...Player number 4 looking at me funny..."
Does this running commentary ever contain baseless accusations of collusion in games that you don't even play in?
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Old 07-20-2008, 06:09 PM   #56
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

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Don't bathe or brush your teeth for a few days prior.
isnt this standard?

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Everytime you are in a hand make a running commentary of what the other players are doing in a Rob Schneider/SNL/copyroom skit voice:

"Player number 3 calling the BB...calling for a flop...callamundo...Player number 4 looking at me funny..."
lol
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Old 07-20-2008, 06:10 PM   #57
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

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Wear your hoodie backwards, with the hood up, completely covering your face. Then no matter what street it is, whether you are in the hand or not ask. "Is it to me yet? What's the bet? Why is it so dark in here?"
rofl. "What cards are on the board? Which cards do I have?"
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Old 07-20-2008, 10:25 PM   #58
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

this thread's hilarious.

#77 when a hand gets to showdown with a paired board,right after the players table their hands yell "chop it up!" especially if its a big pot. dealers love it. gives the losing player nanosecond of hope.

#78 yell "pair the board!" continually all night long, like every time you get a flop bet called. or better yet, if 2 or more players are all in on the flop, and you're not one of them in that moment when they're counting the chips/sidepots etc- "Pair the board! Pair the board!" for no reason at all.
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Old 07-20-2008, 10:42 PM   #59
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

Not acting like a tool at the table, but when I am bored at Borgata, after returning from the restroom, I put "FNA" or "FNU" on the wait list for 2/4, 3/6 and 5/10 and wait for it to be called. Thank god for the multiple desks at Borgata.
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Old 07-20-2008, 10:53 PM   #60
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

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Not acting like a tool at the table, but when I am bored at Borgata, after returning from the restroom, I put "FNA" or "FNU" on the wait list for 2/4, 3/6 and 5/10 and wait for it to be called. Thank god for the multiple desks at Borgata.
"Three-six for Effin' Ay....three-six for Effin' Ay....three-six for Effin' Ay....last call for three-six for Eff an Ay.....Effin' You..."
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Old 07-21-2008, 12:33 AM   #61
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

keep making brown trout/sup bro references to each new player and once you find a taker exchange screen names and go off on long 2+2 tangents
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Old 07-21-2008, 12:52 AM   #62
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

Oh darn it, I wish I had seen this before your trip.

creative idea: Be unaware that the action is on you preflop 50% of the time. Just sit there looking kind of dumb. Your mouth should be hanging open slightly.

creative idea: Never, ever post a blind. Just sit there, unaware of your responsibility. Let the dealer say "big blind, sir", and wait until the second time around or when action begins for him to say "big blind, sir" again. Repeat for small blind.

creative idea: Take a long time before folding.

creative idea: Show only one card (your best if top pair) at showdown when you're first to show. Retain control of your cards so that the dealer needs to inform you that it takes two cards to win. Appear to be confused by the request.

Last edited by frommagio; 07-21-2008 at 12:58 AM.
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Old 07-21-2008, 01:34 AM   #63
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

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Whenever its on you say "I bet juan meeyon" then "I always wanted to say that" and then giggle like a girl
FYP
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Old 07-21-2008, 04:29 AM   #64
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

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...fart and burp continually and loudly
Now damnit, sometimes if a man has had a bunch of chicken wings just prior to playing poker, this cannot be helped. I think I actually did this last Tuesday - the burping anyway. I wouldn't sit there farting continuously, that's just rude. I did eventually realize I was doing it and ... well ok, I didn't make an effort to change it. Chicken wings...
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Old 07-21-2008, 05:47 AM   #65
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

Eat lotsa garlic!
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Old 07-21-2008, 10:53 AM   #66
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

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Since I do not understand poker very well, and get easily frustrated by this fact, I throw out accusations of cheating and collusion (often in games that I do not even play in) haphazardly without for regard to the truth. I even refer to Canterbury as Callerbury. It makes me so made when I raise with KK and they coldcall with A7o and they just chase and chase and chase and an ace comes on the river. Stupid callers. I wish they would just fold instead of putting their money in super bad, because my limited mind cannot process the fact that ultimately them calling while drawing to 3 outs is good for me.
FYP
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Old 07-21-2008, 11:24 AM   #67
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

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TEASE!
ok, one more. See, the problem I'm having is I can't figure out how to make these short and still properly convey the fine details of the event that are needed to maximize the tooliness.

Hide your cards from the table. After the flop watch with incredulous annoyance as the dealer doesn't see your cards, raps the table twice, double checks the action, and then puts out the turn, and the first player bets, the next guy folds, and the dealer starts to push the pot. Then ask "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I HAVE CARDS!"...

...When the dealer tries to straighten it out without calling the floor, and the first player says to you "I'll do whatever you want here" state "fine... I want you to fold your hand and I want the dealer to push me the pot." When the other guy laughs thinking it's a joke, glare at him and state loudly and menacingly "YOU SAID YOU'D DO WHATEVER I WANT...I WANT YOU TO FOLD YOUR CARDS." When the kid says "uhhhh.... no... call the floor" state he's a lying POS and you expect him to be true to his word...

...When the floor comes over and incorrectly as hell lets you keep your cards, despite all the action, and calls for a new turn, tell the floor he's a moron and repeat that the pot rightfully belongs to you. Go all in when a completely different turn hits, and then glare at the bastard kid who folds face up his two suited cards that the original turn had made into a flush, and call him a name.
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Old 07-21-2008, 11:39 AM   #68
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

.
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Old 07-21-2008, 01:33 PM   #69
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

- Do the one card jiggle at showdown whenever possible. You have a better kicker? Jiggle it. Beat a flopped set with a one card flush? Jiggle it!
Especially against better players.

-After hands that you limped UTG insist you were the big blind and argue that you would have never played that hand unless you were the blind.

-Anytime you fold, and the button is within reach, announce loudly "button move" and move the button. Even during the hand. Especially if the small blind is still in the hand... or don't announce it and move it when the action is on the other side of the table and noone is looking.

-Steal as many buttons as you can without being caught... leg up, overs, missed blind, dealer, anything you can get your hands on.

Last edited by CCremain; 07-21-2008 at 01:37 PM. Reason: Caution: Man with big Tool!
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Old 07-21-2008, 01:44 PM   #70
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

Sit at the Omaha Hi/Lo table, order copious amounts of alcohol, and read a magazine. Do not even consider looking at your hole cards until the action is on you, and take at least a minute to make even the simplest of decisions.

Don't be shy about telling anybody who doesn't like it to 'eff off', and certainly be abusive to the dealers.

</borgata regular reference>
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Old 07-21-2008, 01:58 PM   #71
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

Whenever you feel like tipping the dealer tell him to go ahead and grab a $1 chip from your stack cuz you personally don't like touching those cheap dirty worthless $1 chips.
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Old 07-21-2008, 02:24 PM   #72
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

you guys who are cheering him on are sick!
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Old 07-21-2008, 02:25 PM   #73
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

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#35 Talk about, "when I played in the main event with Mike Moneymaker and Bill Ivey...."
Then just ride the conversation to it's natural destination.
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Old 07-21-2008, 02:49 PM   #74
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

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- Do the one card jiggle at showdown whenever possible. You have a better kicker? Jiggle it. Beat a flopped set with a one card flush? Jiggle it!
haha, I forgot how funny I find that.
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Old 07-21-2008, 02:50 PM   #75
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Re: Ima Try Be a real TOOL this Saturday Night when I play POKER

After hitting a 1-3 outer on the river yell "ship it". Then tell the guy he should have folded.
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