When you have a monster at showdown and you know its good, do the cocktail waitress thing only when you get her attention tell her you want to buy that guy a drink(pointing to guy you are about to scoop the pot from) and show him the nuts. Then go on to tell him really he just bought himself a drink!

When it is on you keep asking "how much is it to go all-in?"

When a guy, who lost a couple of buyins, gets up to leave b/c his g/f came in, tell her "don't worry about all those chips, he went to the ATM four times". Then proceed to ask the entire table how many times he went.

Way to add value early in the game!

Also, hit on his girlfriend, or at least let her know that 'she can do better'.

If not in Mississippi always ask, "Who straddled?"

Comment on what the nuts are for every single board. "Oh! Look at all the hearts. Who's got the flush? All you need is one!"

Almost always say that your pretty sure you folded the best hand. "Awww I knew I should have called with 9 2! It was suited . . . " (Because after all, 'You aint got nothin' till the flop')

Glare at anyone who raises when you are SB, BB or have limped. Take a really long time to fold while glaring.

Chase every single gutshot all night. When you finally hit one turn it over arrogantly. Jump up, yell, fist pump, point aggressively, and cheer obnoxiously. Tell whoever you sucked out, "That’s how you play it, baby!"

If you win a ridiculously large pot, slide a dollar out to the dealer, hold it up like its a treasure and say heavily, "This is for you" like its a million $.

Wear flip-flops and tell the people next to you it's because you "need to let your athletes foot fungus dry out." Pick one particular chip that you use scratch between your toes. If you ever have to make a crying call, pull that chip from between your toes and toss it into the pot.

this is gold!!!

This is what I was going to say. Constantly be asking for chip counts followed by flat calls or folds.

LOL

You must lose all the time.

Whenever you have the best hand at a showdown, study your cards and the board for about a minute, turning your head from your cards to the board and back every ten seconds or so. After a minute 'discover' that you have the winning hand and show your suprize at this discovery while flipping your cards over. Works best with a nut flush (on an unpaired board), a full house, or quads.

i like the min-raise out of the BB idea. ima try that next time i donk around at nl tables.

also, if you find yourself facing a bet in 3-way action, make sure to say to the bettor "I put you all-in", and refuse to move any chips or alter your statement if asked.

Employ "I want to see that hand" when its obvious there is no collusion, you folded pre-flop, and are just trying to get information. Do this repeatedly, when called out on it, yell at the dealer and floor man and try to intimidate them into flipping the hand over.

Tell the player next to you the trash you folded in every pot. When the flop is K85 rainbow. Go on about how you mucked A5 as if it were a sick beat. Combo this when its a raised pot and you flash the player next to you 78 s00ted before you muck, moan about your horrible luck.

Hey OP,

Its Monday Night, where is the trip report? Either you came to your senses or someone whipped your a**. Either way I am anticipating the read.

Also, whenever you have the worst hand at showdown and someone has already shown a hand better than yours, look at your cards, then back at the board, then back at your cards. Do this about ten times. After that, rearrange your cards putting the one that was in front in the back. Then look at them again, then study the board again. Finally, shake your head a little, denouncing your bad luck, and finally muck.

#66 Loudly pronounce the "Battle of the Blinds" everytime and sometimes even when it is just two players sitting next to each other.

Take 30+ sec plus to act on every decision at a 2/4 limit table.

Give speeches about your play before acting on them, with horrible horrible reasoning.

"Last night on the World Poker Tour I watched Doyle fold this hand to a reraise and the rabbit cam showed he woulda gotten drawn out on.... so I gotta lay it down too"

Sounds like the title to this thread is all wrong. Should be I'ma be a DOUCHE this Saturday

Whenever you're not in the hand say "I'm all in" after every action by a player.

keep a stack of shiny quarters next to your chips and use them to tip the dealers and wait staff.

OH GOD YES!!!!

"Tool" is a synynom (how do you spell that?) for "douche". Lamewad, jackazz, loser, dick, etc.

keep all your chips in the largest possible denomination and keep asking the player next to you to break it down. e.g. if you have $100 keep it in a black and get change from your neighbor to post your blind. after your blinds have passed, top up to $100 and ask him to change it back with you. repeat when you decide to limp from any late position. Tell him you like to keep topped up when you play online

or.. keep all your chips in the smallest denomination. when you raise, manually count each chip - if someone tells you the dealer will do it, tell them you've been cheated before and want to be careful - proceed to act like you lost the count because they disturbed you

When heads up on the river and your opponent shows his hand make up some completely weird reason to argue his hand is dead, like he threw his face up hand forward and it touched a board card. Don't take no for an answer, insist on the floor coming over, argue with the floor over the "rule" and how you saw the same thing on TV and how you play in the WSOP and saw this happen and this cardroom is a joke for not declaring his hand dead.

Once you have pushed your luck as far as it will go, turn your winning hand face up.