There is nothing we can do realistically. Call the floor? that will speed things up .... right. By the time a floor responds the cards will get shown ..... but that was going to happen anyway ... no faster just a lot more grief.

Now if management will give me a cattle prod ...... It may slow things down this hand .... but next hand will go much faster,

Well when I call the floor, 99.9% of the time a hand gets shown immediately, and I tell the floor "NEVER MIND".

99% of the time there is no need for the floor. Maybe they've learned that I don't allow the dance.

Personally I like this one:

"Since nobody is showing I take it neither of you want the pot - thanks for the tip guys"

That usually clues them in.

This makes it sound like they're both in the wrong.

It's perfectly ok for the caller (or latest position) to wait for the bettor (or earliest position) to show or muck.

Harmless? Maybe. I've never done it.

But illegal? Yes. And that is what HR is looking for in new hires. Ones that don't use ILLEGAL drugs.

This might be a "you had to be there" story, but everyone who was there laughed, so I'll take a shot:

So I push into a tourney table, mostly young guys, but a very friendly group, lots of good-natured ribbing. The kid in the 4-seat is driving most of it, swapping good-natured insults with others who return in kind. To be clear, it's very relaxed, and nobody is on edge, and my job is super easy, because I can't get a word in if I want to, so I just shut up and deal.

Seat 4 puts in a good sized bet on the turn in a heads-up pot. His opponent considers it briefly, and is about to fold, when Seat 4 says, "I'll show you." It was obvious that he was just saying something, anything, to make his opponent reconsider. Didn't work, opponent folded.

I'm pushing the pot, Seat 4 is holding his cards face down, but separate. "Which one do you want to see? Give me a dollar, and I'll show you one." Nobody gives a crap what he has.

The pot is pushed, the button is moved, and he's still waving his cards, taunting the opponent. "Give me a dollar, and I'll show you one," he repeats.

Another player chimes in, "I'll give you a dollar, if you'll shut up!"

Nah I always like the I'll pay you money to shut up, go away, etc type of joke.

About 15 years ago I was taking the subway with some friends to go to La Ronde (the local amusement park, now owned by Six Flags I think) the morning after a pretty hard night. We were all hung over and there was a guy there in the station playing the ****ing accordion for $$. I collected from each of my buddies and walked over to the guy and offered him $20 to STFU until our train got there and we didn't have to listen to him anymore.

He took the offer, and my head stopped pounding - win win situation IMO.

I feel the need to post this here for some weird reason. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Two of us floor guys are at the podium doing our thing. This regular "lady" who I'll call Judy walks up and asks for "Joe" who is another floor guy. Not to be too stereotypical here, but the Judy is a rather thick woman, usually half stewed, and basically a white-trashy type who uses colorful language and is just not very feminine at all.

So Judy walks up and asks for Joe. My partner tells her that he's off tonight and he'll be in tomorrow.

She asks "Can you give him a message for me?" My coworker says, "Sure..."

Judy gently grabs his hand and holds it for a moment. Then she proceeds to stick one of his fingers in her mouth and tries to bob on it like...well, you know.

My coworker quickly recoils in horror and Judy just chuckles and walks away.

The look on my coworkers face was priceless. He looks at me and says, "Dude. Chips and money have fragments of snot and **** on them. I wash my hands BEFORE I take a piss, man. And she tried to suck my finger?"

I about lost it laughing so hard.

So did he, uh, "deliver" the message?

Hell, he probably met up with her in the parking lot.

The story is way cooler this way...

Speaking of disgusting... I was working the blackjack pit one night, when I heard a dealer say " That's disgusting!!" I look over and this couple is just making out at the table hardcore. I think to myself, " That IS disgusting..." I proceed to walk over to the table. They stop making out and the female turns to me... Opens her mouth wide and there is a red chip dangling from her tongue. Our dealer had told them that they can't pass chips on the table. So they proceeded to pass the chip orally. Grossest **** I have ever seen. She then tries to bet the chip . "Well it's still worth $5 right?" she argues. " Not on this table."

I'm sure she is dead.

I push into a tourney table, about 30 mins after the event started. Blinds are 50-100. Player in Seat 1 has about 5x the 2nd-biggest stack, he has apparently been busting people left and right.

First hand I deal, Seat 1 is involved in a heads-up pot. On the turn he pushes in all his chips, except for the single green (T25) chip that sits on his cards. He sees this as he releases his bet, and he commits a string bet by adding this last chip to the bet. But he has 5x more than anybody, and about 10x his opponent, so I'm not going to bother to call it.

Don't worry, no fewer than SIX players at the table instantly spoke up as one.

Funny story just happened. Some regs were talking to a nice Chinese guy (NCG) that has been playing poker with them for the last few weeks. They're playing $300-600 HK NL (40-80 USD) when the following converstation comes up:

Reg1: Do you play online NCG?

NCG: I try learn play Omaha on PokerStars. I played 100-200 and I lose $200,000. When I start, I losing with good hand. I would make straight but not win.

Reg1: Hmm

NCG: So I email Pokerstars because I thought something was wrong the software. I tell them the hand number and that I had a straight. They email me back and tell me to look at the "game rules". I didn't know you had to use two cards.

Reg1: What's your screen name?

I asked him if he saved the email but he didn't. Would have loved to have read it.

I swear this happened, a man came in, saw the 2/5 PLO going, bought in for $2000 and sat down, said he wanted to learn to play Omaha.

First hand, he shows dwn "Aces full" poudly, that was when he found out about 2 in the hand, 3 on the board.

He bought in for another $2000...

Could be that the advertising- "Yes, see? We DO wash our chips!"- would be worth it.

Wow, that is so disgusting.

And since when can't you pass chips on a table game?

Hmm, I must know you because I remember someone telling me this story or one very similar to it.

Was this in OK?

i saw a similar hand at a 5/5 plo game. guy sits down and pots it on his first hand. it's omaha, so like 7 people call. flop J84r. checks to the guy and he pots. a reg re-pots and the guy calls. he immediately tables AA77 and announces "two pair!" not wanting to slowroll, the reg tables J8xx but doesn't say anything. turn was a blank and the river was another jack. the guy with AA77 says "nice suckout" and rolls away in his wheelchair.

lol. Wow, where is this game? Pair the x one time!

different states, different gaming commisions, different rules.

Dealing a $45 buy-in NL tourney the other night. Two players, one short-stacked, get all-in pre-flop. K7s vs QQ. Short stack with QQ is standing now, like this is the World Series Of $45 Tourneys.

Flop comes all rags, two spades.

"No spade!", yells the player with QQ, just as I put out a K on the turn.

I shrug and say, "OK."

No help (nor spade) on the river, QQ is out. He didn't hear my wise-ass remark, he was recoiling from the bad beat. But the players who did hear it, got a kick out of it. "That's cold, dealer," said one through a smile, while others chuckled in agreement.

I opened an STS that awards seats to the Mega to 3 out of the 10 players who start it.

On the 2nd hand, a redular does all in on the button with 9,9.

The SB calls with Q,Q.

everyone else folds.

Regular looks at me and says "D-G, I'm going to need a 9 here."

Flop is X,X Q,

Turn X

River 9

I count it down and the Reg has exactly one 25Y chips more than the SB.

I push the pot, slide the single green chip to the reg and say "You will notice I gave you that 9 you asked for."

He proceeded to go all in 3 hands in a row and won all three so that when I was pushed out a few minutes later, he almost had a starting stack again.

I looked him up later, he came in fourth, he bubbled.

I should mention he is a very nice guy and a great sport. I wouldn't have said that same thing to s few of our regulars.

So who wants to hear the story about how the 8 of spades was found in the lady's purse?