Great! What's wrong with that? It fixes the problem, AND illustrates he's a dick, at the same time! Win-win for me.

Actually I think the most ******ed choppers are in my city. The place I used to work at has a monthly $330 and the chops are just horrendous. 6 way even chops with chip leader having 40% of chips. 3 way even chops with chip leader having 80% of chips.

They just had the quarterly tourneys, a $220 and a $550, in the $220 with 130-140 entries they even chopped 9 WAYS. What the hell is the point.

I actually don't have a problem with someone saying this as long as their tone wasn't too condescending. If I was a houseman I don't think I could write someone up over this, after I finished laughing of course.

But then I've said a few things in my day that should have gotten me in trouble but didn't.

I was the stickman on dice and the douche was being a pain the the ass and he finally went away in a huff. I say "don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out". He either has great hearing or I said it a bit too loud, so he comes back a bitches about it a bit, the boxman is sitting there trying not to laugh. He finally goes away, but the Shift manager comes over about 5 minutes later, "don't let the door hit you in the ass? OK act like I'm yelling at you."

OK other things you should keep to yourself.

Was sitting box on dice. A group of young guys had been jumping in and out all night. It was about 1AM, almost closing time and one of them come to our empty table, "A guy just gave me a black chip."

ME: "Did he make you swallow?"

HIM: "Pardon?"

ME: just sat there and smiled, hoping he wouldn't make a big deal about it. My dealer was trying not to fall down laughing.

************

As for the ladies with the bigguns it's always best not to say anything unkind about them.

There was a lady with some DD's at the BJ table behind the dice table I was on. But she was just not a pretty looking girl, you've all seen them ugly girl big fake titties.

The thing is the dealers and some of the players kept looking back at her like they've never seen tits before.

ME: "What are you guys looking at?"

Dealer: Says something about how big they are

ME: "Yeah the are, but that's all she is. She probably got them to take attention from her face."

A couple the players laugh.

Then a few minutes later one of the players goes over to talk to her. I found out later she was his girlfriend. Oops, I'm surprised he didn't say anything.

--While walking past a table once, I actually heard a dealer with a touch of frustration in his voice explaining to a player, "Every time the game stops? That means it's your turn."

--If we're telling dice stories, the first time my friend Joey was offered the dice, he picked out two, and started shaking them with two hands, unaware of the "only one hand on the dice" rule. The whole table went bananas. As the outrage died down, the stickman cracked, "This ain't Yahtzee, pal!"

--If a player is asking me why I put out a river card that beat them, I love when I'm able to respond, "Hey, don't blame me, I didn't check the turn." If that reply isn't available to me, I'll usually say, "I thought you WANTED that card." No, of course I didn't want that card, they reply. "Oh, well, you should have said something. I mean, I can make the card you want magically appear--but I can't read your mind, too!"

EDIT TO ADD: In a huge, multi-way pot, I can't help myself, I'll pause slightly before putting out the river card and ask, "Any requests?"

EDIT TO ADD ANOTHER: If they do call out a card, and it hits, and everyone acts surprised, I just shrug like it ain't no thang, and say, "All you had to do was ask."

I posted the "things you can't say" because I read a posting on a different forum. A dice dealer had told a man that he had to hit the end of far end of the table with the dice after he failed to do so twice. The guy, who was over 6 feet tall, said he would try. The dealer decided he was cheating after buying in for $20...

The dealer said "My 5 year old can hit the far end of the table" The player complained and the dealer wound up getting fired since he had done this sort of thing before.

i love this thread.

I'm stealing this one.

Ya'll are killing it today with the dice stories guys.

Ugh, I remember violating this one as a 21 year old shooting dice for the first time. I felt so small.

I do that one on rare occasion too. Has to be a ginormas pot with like 7 people on the river.

Damn that is funny. I would not be able to keep a straight face on the game.

So I've been trying a new tactic for the "Did I get you?" line after pushing the pot. If they did forget, and as long as you read the the player as a reasonable person (read: not a miserable old bitter man or a nit) I've been responding with a smile and "It's not too late!"
It's gotten a lot of laughs, good tokes, and a few counter jokes about shot clocks about to expire, statute of limitations etc. Tips plus lightening the mood at the table? Yes please. Give this one a try guys.

I do that and add "It's NEVER too late! Come in next Thursday, toke me and say it was for today and I won't complain; I'll smile and put it in my box."

In the same vein, if a player calls a bet by tossing in the chips not all at once, I will announce it as a "String Call." If they fold and slide me one card while the other card doesn't move, it's a "String Fold."

I'll then say "Those are fine. String Raises aren't but String Tips are encouraged!"

I have a few more cheesy jokes I use that work surprisingly well...

I will tell the small bind that they get a discount, but then they have to act first because of that.

When I announce how many players, I will alternate it throughout the bump with the likes of:

Seven players.
Seven Participants.
Seven combatants.
Seven contestants.
Seven competitors.

(etcetera)

A bunch of people check and someone finally bets I'll say "No checks, cash only!"

Also, if a lot of players check a flop, I will say "Friendly Poker" before peeling off the turn. Then if someone bets, I'll say "No longer friendly! $10 worth of unfriendliness!" or whatever the bet was.

Everyone checks through the flop and turn and I'll say "Let's see if anyone likes the river." Sometimes I'll pause for affect.... "Let's see if anyone likes......" (then put out the final card and say it real low and ominous) "the river."

My big "signature line" is preflop if someone raises, say to $7 in $1/2, I will say loudly "Raise! Seven is the new two!" A lot of fellow dealers and regs know me as the "seven is the new two" guy actually (for better or worse).

Another thing I do which gets a laugh is if a player folds some garbage hand and accidently exposes it, I will say "The ten of clubs and three of hearts are exposed... Good fold sir!"

Of course a lot of this is game-dependent. At a $10/25 NL game, I will be all business (or at any game where I have a table that doesn't want personality from the dealer) - but most of the time, everyone can tell I am just having fun and I never let my schtick get in the way of a fast and accurate game.

And of course whenever a player uses my own schtick against me (happens a lot that a playser will raise saying "seven is the new two" or whatever) I'll just say "You will be hearing from my trademark attorney!"

(All of this silliness is free to all dealers who care to use them. I know I stole one or two myself... )

Sorry but don't you think you're overdoing it a bit?

How often does a player tell you to "Dummy up and deal."?

I mean I throw in a funny line maybe a couple of times a week buy you sound like you're non stop like a stand up comic.

Yea I think some people like that kind of stuff and others dont. Personally I am quiet by nature and just try to keep a well run game. Nothing wrong with some fun though on the right table with the right atmosphere.

On a side note: I really f////king hate it when people can't make their actions or announcements clear. Throw in a 1k chip and mumble in seat 6 at 100/200 and I am dumb for asking what you announced? I said call, raise 650, w/e what the hell dealer :S

Slow pony...but here is mine.

Six players left in a 40ish person tourney. Five get paid. I have >50% of the chips and am just pummeling the blinds because people fold too much. Am listening to headphones. Suddenly everyone gets up from the table. I ask the dealer what is going on. Turns out they decided to just give me 1st place money and evenly chop the rest. I was not consulted, but acquiesced nonetheless.

-HF

Also, had a chip throwing incident in my younger days at the IP. Was attempting to make a three point shot with $1 chips in the dealers breast pocket. He thought it was hilarious (and profitable), but the floor shut it down after about 15 attempts. Never did make it either. This may have had something to do with the beverage service.

Nothing wrong with that, but you guys must have been really sidetracking the game for the floor to put a stop to it.

Not to +1, but dealing 5-10 some years ago, Layne Flack is killing everyone...and is completely goofing off after a few too many cocktails. I ship him another pot and am squaring the deck for the next hand when I look up just in time to see the release. By the time I know what happened the $5 chip is already in the bottom of my pocket....swish. No one at the table saw a thing. I say "thanks" and start dealing the next hand. Best shot I've ever seen.

Not a chip throwing scenario but close. Player in 2/5 game has about $700 in red with a single black on top of the stacks he's in seat 9 and the stacks gets bumped and several chips hit the floor. Player picks them up and since his stacks were even, thought he had gotten all of his chips. A few minutes later he realizes his black is gone. The game stops and everyone starts looking for the bklack chip undser the table. A young player crawls under the table and moves everything looking for it, no luck.

Finally, a chip runner starts looking further out and a it is found. Beneath seat 9 of a table one row back and one row over. That table was a 4/8, no black chips ever make it there. The chip had to roll under the dealers chair, across the carpet at least 15 feet, under the chairs of the empty table behind its starting point, under seat 8 and various feet to then land under seat 9.

I gotta go with steamraise here. Sounds like way too much chatter to me.

It sounds like he reads the table before cracking wise. Even if many are enjoying the schtick, if one player is noticably bothered, you need to cut the crap and deal.

One time a was dealing at a table, two elderly ladies come in together, one takes the 5 seat, her friend in the 10 seat. after an hour the friend gets hungry, gets the waitress to give her the daily special of a sandwich, chips and a drink, asks the 5 seat if she can get her anything, she asks for a drink.

Food and drink comes, she finishes the sandwich and motions with her hand if her friend wants what is left. Between hands she ships her plate across the table to her friend, to which i remind her, "There is no passing chips across the table"

Well played, perfect!

NYCNative, report immediately to the "Cliches that need to die" thread. "String Call" is the #1 answer there. About half your act gets mentioned in that thread.

When I hear one of those at the table, I usually repeat it sarcastically, and go all Harvey Korman on them with, "String Call? I hate that cliche!"

I just started a new job, and I don't know the names of any of my coworkers (with font that small, why bother to give them name tags???), so I can't say as I'm getting up, "Here comes Bill, he's gonna deal for a while, good luck players."

So my standard line is, "Here comes a real dealer, good luck players."

Yesterday, I heard a dealer use that line about four tables away.

I just shouted, "Hey, that's MY line!"

Preflop: "Eight quarter-finalists"
On the turn: "Six semi-finalists"
On the river: "Three finalists"

If a player asks, "Family pot?" when exactly one person as folded, I point to the folder and say, "No, there's one black sheep in this family."

Just make sure it's not a black guy, or else it belongs in that other thread.

(Actually, that joke never gets a laugh, and I retired it long ago after only a few attempts, but I still like it.)

I will say, on occasion, with one player left out, "Disfunctional family pot".

I don't do it all in a single push, silly. Like a good player, I pick my spots and do one or two things per down. Since it doesn't slow me down (I get comments about how I am fast all the time) and since I know when a table is disinterested in schtick, I have had only one problem with one player one time but he was a dick.

One of my favorite lines for getting a laugh is used when a player is leaving the table.
You HAVE to be sure the player leaving is not going to be offended so i only use this on players i know well who are leaving in good moods with clear wins.

Player racks up to leave and as they just starting to pick up the racks to leave i get their attention and say..
"Hey thanks for playing !'
BUT with just a slight pause and change in inflection i add
"Quitter" with a big smile

The table sometimes chimes in "quitters never win, winners never quit" or something along that line just giving the player a hard time then as they walk away ( usually laughing or smiling) ill say to the table:
"That NEVER works ! Not once has anyone ever said..."
"Oh yea ! ill show you ! and sat back down."