1/2 NL, 4am, so the game is not the speediest to begin with.

30ish WG sits down and keeps telling everybody and anybody he's never played poker in a casino before. Yeah, we've heard this one before, then he proceeds to do this EVERY HAND.

He waits until action is on him, then he ruffles his cards 5-6 times then clumsily looks at them (meaning not quickly) then asks "what's the bet?". It seemed like he was taking about a minute to act, but really maybe 20-30 seconds.

I decide if I murder him right then and there I may get a sympathetic jury of poker players but decide against it and just tell him "I understand you have this card ritual thing, can you please just get it over with as soon as you get your cards and not wait until it's your turn. You're slowing down the game. You say you've never played in a casino before, just letting you know this kind of thing is not cool."

He argues that he can do whatever he damn well wants so I start calling clock as soon as action is on him every hand.

Don't leave us hangin. Then what happened??

Then it turned out it would have been better just to change tables.

Before it escalated to the point of me or him getting 86'd some cocktail waitress grabbed his attention and he just stopped doing it as blatantly. He doubled up on somebody, then all in pre for like $150 he had KJcc vs. some other guys 7c7s. Flop comes 8c6cTc, river 9c.
He buys in a second time and I stack him with a back door flush. So turned out pretty good.

poker karma works for once!

No, you weren't wrong. That would be annoying AF.

He might not be wrong to be annoyed by it, but it doesn't sound like his way of addressing was particularly helpful. There was virtually no chance that kind of tone is going to lead to "oh, I'm sorry I'll try to speed things up." But it seems very likely to lead to " I can do whatever the **** I like!". Which neither will speed up the game or make anyones experience better.

I'm not sure there is a good way to address it .... But I'm pretty sure being confrontational is not it.

This OP was being a rude jerk saying what he said. Didnt help the situation at all

Live poker can be annoying at times. Some folks are more annoying than others. Some folks get annoyed much easier than others. And nothing is ever going to really change any of that. Next hand.

I think it is OK to say something to a new player about excessively slow play, but you have to be terribly conscious of your tone and inflection. Donka's phrasing seems fine, but I am guessing his annoyance showed through in his words, and that set off Slowy McSlowface's defiant streak.

Also, do it in as low a voice as possible, otherwise you showing the guy up, which usually doesn't end well.

Getting in a snit war with a newish player does two things. First, you are now tilting, as your emotional brain is engaged and you are not as rational. Two, you are antagonizing a newish player. Call me stupid, but I want a guy who has never played in a casino to be comfortable and to have fun while he gives away his buy-in(s).

When you are rude by stalling every time that it's on you, expect rudeness back. And no, he wasn't a casino newbie. Casino newbies try to act within the flow of the game so as to try to not stand out.

In my experience, players who engage in bad etiquette almost always do it because they want to, and react in exactly the way you say.

A few days ago, there was a player in my four chip limit game who was insisting on stacking his calling chips to make it look like it was a raise when it wasn't. When it was 2 stacks of 2 chips, it was fine, but we got into a 3-bet kill pot where I couldn't easily tell whether he had put out 18 chips or 24, because he stacked them in 4 weird sized piles. I asked-- very nicely-- that he please stack his calling chips so that it was clear that he was calling and not raising. He said exactly your quoted words, and then doubled down and called the floor over. The floorman, who was really nice about it, told him that the complaint was legitimate and he was slowing down the game if the dealer would have to restack his chips. He replied "OK, but am I REQUIRED to do this?". He asked this 3 times after the floor said to him, in effect, "you aren't required to do it but you are being rude and slowing up the game".

Players who don't care about etiquette, don't care about etiquette.

When you respond to a jerk by being a jerk, all you have done is doubled the number of jerks at the table and usually slow down the game more and make it less enjoyable for the people at the table who came to play poker and have a good time and not watch a two man jerk off.

Exactly this.

I can really only think of two marginally +EV courses of action. One is for everyone at the table to give him the evil eye, and maybe take turns saying, "It's on you, sir." Probably ends up at the same place, if he's aware of it at all, but at least no single one of you is the bad guy. Peer pressure >>> 1 vs 1 complaints.

Better is probably just to talk to the floor away from the table. The floor can find out what's going on (talk to the dealer after the next push or just linger within earshot) and act accordingly. If he tells the floor "I'll do what I damn well please," then you might get someone else in the seat soon.

I agree with this the most of all the responses because it highlights yhe difference between direct and confrontational.

Being direct but non-confrontational is key. Begin with a polite request; escalate as necessary.