tl;dr
CLIFF NOTES: Had super run at poker, kicked an egomaniac in the nuts, stacked him, and that emotional high woke the demon. I cashed out $4K+ up, and on the way out the door hit up a table game and lost $2.2K. Now, taking a week off, going to GA, resetting.
I had been doing a fairly good job of keeping my demon on a leash the past 18 months or so.
I've had a few minor relapses where I donk off a few hundred dollars on table games and then two medium relapses (one a couple of weeks ago) where I lost $1K.
All in all, it comes with the territory of being a gambling addict but I took those in strides- losing around $2K over 18 months isn't too bad.
But yesterday, I had a full blown relapse that has scared the shtt out of me and has sent my 'danger danger Will Robinson' robot reeling back and forth waving his arms.
I just ended a great session of poker, made some terrific reads, dynamite hero calls, and kicked 2 ego-maniacs in the nuts (I love stacking ego maniacs
And I think that is what touched off my relapse.
The thing about being a recovering addict is that we are always one drink, drug, or gamble away from waking up the demon. Kinda like being a Californian forest that is perpetually dry just waiting for that careless A-hole to flick his cigarrette out of his car into the brush...
In short, relapses are all about the trigger, set-up, and your guard slipping for an 'instant'.
This time, I owe the initial part of my trigger to poker. There was this Asian player who just kept talking shtt the entire night about how he's so good and the rest of the table is horrible and he made it a point to single me out and try to goad me (because I do this for a living and he can't so his pride is hurt.)
No matter what he says, I just agree with him, "Yes, I'm a donk, yes i'm a nit, yes i'm catching cards and that is the only reason i'm beating you". On and on and on for two hours.
Eventually, it starts to grate on me and piss me off, but externally i'm calm and ignoring him.
Then, we get involved in a big hand, 2/5NL, effective stacks $2,500.
I'm on the BTN with 73o and I notice he has been raising pretty light from UTG+2. i've also built up a super nit image so decide this is the time to cash in on it. He raises it $25, 1 caller, I 3bet to $75, he calls, everyone else folds.
flop($200) 3
3
8:diamond
He bets $100, I raise to $275 he calls.
Turn($550) 6
I bet $400, he tanks and then calls.
River($1350) A
He bets $500, I shove all-in for $1200ish, and then he goes ballastic, screaming about how i'm a lucky donk, that he knows I have AK and how I got super lucky, etc. etc. and then he folds TT face up
I can't resist and I show him my 73o
table goes nuts
after putting up with that guy all day, it felt so good to break my foot off in his azz and now he is just livid.
Very next hand, he shoves all-in for $700ish, and I call him, everyone folds.
board: T T 3 9 8
He turns over Q
T
and says, "Ship it sucka" and continues to talk shtt. I just let him go on and on until the dealer asks for my cards.
Then, I show K
T
Table goes super nuts laughing. I never slow roll but this guy so f-ing deserved it. He starts cursing and yelling to the point where security had to come over. This was probably the most satisfying win i've ever had in years of play. Such a rush.
And that rush woke up the demon. Plus, by this point, i've been playing about 12 hours and so now i'm tired, so my guard is down.
A few hands later, my watch beeps which lets me know I've hit my poker limit (I never play past 12 hours).
I rack up $5K (bought in for $400 so great day
) and cash out.
I'm walking out the door when the casino announces a temporary 2:1 payout on black jack with some suited blackjack (spades) promotion that pays 10:1 for the next 30 minutes.
And so I think to myself, "Hey, i'm running hot, i'm just going to take $100, make one little bet, and that's it..."
and $2.2K later, I'm cursing myself for being the world's biggest fuktard.
Somehow, when I reached into my wallet for the umpteeth time, I managed to 'wake up'.
And that is the hard thing to explain to non-addicts. When the demon has control, you just aren't you. Its like a dream, and you are merely watching events unfold with no control. I could have very easily have blown through all the money in my wallet ($6K), but thankfully I 'woke up'. This may feel wierd to normal people reading this, but I feel like I 'won' because I only lost $2.2K, which is horrible thinking but makes since to us degens.
So, i'm taking a week off, hitting a couple of GA meetings, and resetting.
Anyways, just thought I'd post. I pride myself on having my shtt together and having 'control' of my demon. But on rare occassion, he manages to slip his leash. Also, brutal honesty and accountability is part of the process and I feel accountable to 2+2 so I have to come clean. I f**ked up, plain and simple.
Emotional triggers + lowered inhibitions + opportunity = relapse
I got worked up with poker (which never happens), then was dog tired, and then that stupid promotion...
Anyways, I'll let you know how GA goes this week