Hello. I'm a new member to the Forum, although my husband is a regular poster. I tried to keep this short as possible but forgive me if it is a bit long.

I'm married to a part time poker player. We are in our early 30s, I stay at home and raise our toddler (and am expecting another child) and he works in a professional field. He has always played poker, and I'm been fine with it. He is exceptionally smart and a very talented player. His limited bankroll (he often had to sacrifice it for living expenses) meant he had to grind it out playing lower limit games, but he has always been a winning player. (He tracks his results.)

This past June, his fortune changed. He had a few big tournament wins, found a backer for a bigger game, and ran like God. He befriended a few of the local pro's. He has made it big.

The trouble is, he is now playing more than ever. (3-4 times a week plus 2-3 Vegas trips.) He always asks if he can go play, and I say yes 95% of the time. Even though I miss him many nights (our marriage is not as strong as it once was) and wish he was around to help with the toddler/housework, I would grit my teeth and let it go. He is making a lot of money, and I can appreciate the financial security. While he is building a bankroll, some of his winnings go towards a more comfortable standard of living. (We could make it on his salary alone, but it would be tight.) He has been especially obsessed, but I figured eventually he'd stop running so good and things would mellow out.

This past weekend, he played Friday and Saturday night. He wanted to play on Sunday, but that morning I told him I'd prefer a family night at home. He points out how much money we are missing out on, we argue, and drop the issue as we were spending the afternoon with his mother watching football. Well, back at home, I go off to take a nap with the baby, and he sneaks off to the Casino! I was livid, and told him I was fed up. Not only does he play 20 hours a week, his time at home is often spent reading poker books or on 2+2, watching videos, or thinking about poker. He doesn't seem to enjoy his time at home (I see him watching the clock after dinner, wondering when he can run off to go play) or enjoy anything that isn't poker related.

I told him no more poker until we spoke with a marriage counselor, which we are doing on Saturday. He called me controlling, among other things. I pointed out he has always sought my permission before he plays, and I am not controlling him. He still has his bankroll and his car keys and he can go anytime.

This week has been hell, every day he throws a tantrum because he can not cajole or bully me into "letting" him play. To make matters worse, on Wednesday we had to go to the Emergency room because I thought I was having a miscarriage. Our unborn child is okay, turns out I had a Hematoma and was told to rest. Well, instead of resting today, I had to deal with his resentful behavior and bargaining "I'll help clean if you let me go play tonight." I am a broken record: We can discuss it on Saturday, with the marriage counselor.

So, what I'm getting at is this: Is it possible to balance a happy family life with poker? Is the element of obsession incompatible with a balanced life? Does anyone have any experience or insight? Thanks in advance!

You sound just like my girlfriend, except we have no kids. I am a poker fiend so I can relate to your husband. I commend you for holding strong on waiting until you see the counselor, however, and find it disturbing he will only bargain to do chores or see his kid when there's a reward attached to it.

Poker and money ain't **** if you don't have a happy life (which means a happy wife) and family to go with it. Kudos to finding 2+2 as well, and good luck

One of my best friends is married with children who also plays poker for a living. He has also been away from the family for months at a time and they still have a strong marriage. Which is unbelievable to me but they make it work. How much time do you want him home?

From a guys perspective its hard to take the foot off the gas when work is going so well because it feels so good to be successful. On the other hand life is still miserable when your significant other is not happy.

Email my friend and ask them how they work it out. He would be happy to help.

lollivepoker@gmail.com

Its very hard to win at a high level and not focus heavily on the game.

You can equate that to any high-intensity sport or career choice that eats up large amounts of hours. None of these guys, none of them, spend tons of time at home with family. Its on their mind 24/7 and is a priority of the highest level. If they arnt making money than the family doesnt get to live in a house. Family is important but everyone knows the dollar holds the leash.

Its simply infeasible to expect someone to function at that level yet run a household with tons of extra time to spare.

I wonder if the main reason wifes complain about 'not getting enough hubby attention' is because they really really enjoy their company (hard sell in a long time relationship) or are they just annoyed that they aren't the center of their husband's universe anymore.

Not trying to be a dick it's an honest question.
As long as he does his chores and earns money what's the problem really?
You'll get your chances to break his balls when he eventually goes on a downswing, let the man enjoy his heater while it lasts.

This. Very true. I can type less because of it. He seems in the inspired state, backed with some statistical validation of course, and has something to prove. So why not let it? He will only bask you in love if he continues to be successful.. You might see him less but realistically back in the old days men used to hunt all day and come back, and the women still be very happy.

A, they came back... lol B, they came back with food for the whole tribe. food=$


I am gon guess that your husband does 35k (Canada,eh) on an avg salary. and knows he can also do 35k in profit now in this very challenging witty game. So with both incomes hes doing about 70k/yr.. (please dont be offended if these numbers arent right, just for theory purpose)

So I ask you this now.. if hes only making 35k at his job say and he makes 35k on the side, but requires putting in 20 hours overtime... couldn't you just now think of him working in a more senior position after receiving a promotion which requires more time at the office..? Bonus to this now is that he is actually just at home on the eenternet. or just over at the local Cass.

Wanting more for your family shouldn't be a punishment. I've been in your husbands shoes minus the kid.

Ask yourself do you think he will love you more or less if you let him play?
I don't see why you would want him to stay at home when deep down he prefers in that moment to go and play poker? You risk reminding him of his mother who probably put limits on his play time when he was a kid.

Ofcourse he will resent you if you hand him a to do list when he obeyed your wishes and stayed home with you. It would have been better if you had understood that in that moment you were competing with the casino and it would be better to do something nice for him.

Who's idea was it with marriage counseling? I am guessing that it was yours. In that case it would probably be better if you tell him that you are happy with him and there is no point in going there.

At all times understand that if you want him to spend more time with you then it has to be a pleasant experience for him to do so. No more nagging or controling behaviour. And let the chores slide if you need to rest.

Well, first, I don't think you're controlling, just asking for a reasonable marriage.

I'm unmarried so hardly the person to give advice for this specific situation, but good for you for setting clear boundaries and sticking to them. Counseling is a good step (was it yesterday?) and I applaud you for insisting on it.

At some point he's got to decide whether poker is a subordinate means to an end or whether it means more to him than his marriage. Much of the advice ITT is lousy because it presumes that bad marriage + money = good marriage. I've never seen it work that way. Setting a structure for him to step back and realize that he probably doesn't really want to sacrifice his marriage is your best strategy; I'm glad you're doing that.

I do think a few people can play full-time professionally and have a reasonable work/life balance. However, his total lack of self-control worries me. In a way I'm surprised he's a long-term winner without more discipline, although I suppose a lot of big consistent winners are horribly undisciplined in other areas of their lives.

This is a common theme with poker, where it focuses you on the value of time. I see this in my own life--I'm pursuing an academic career, largely because I think I have more to offer the world that way than as an eventual mid-stakes poker pro*, but I constantly ask myself, "Is that extra evening spent thinking about my dissertation worth the $20/hour or whatever that it's costing me?"


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*Eventually, if I dedicated more time to it, not now.

Do you think it's possible to be a consistent winner at stakes like $5-10 NL or $30-60 limit without being so obsessed that you sneak out while your wife is sleeping? I'm not asking rhetorically--I think it's possible, but I don't play that high, so I want to hear from those who do.

The marriage counseling was his idea, and he had scheduled the appointment before any of this had happened, as we've been having problems for a while. My husband plays a lot, and has an addictive personality.

His chores around the house are minimal, and I do not nag. I only asked about the chores because on Wednesday night, because when I was unwell and in the emergency room he promised to treat me like a queen (and specifically mentioned cleaning) so naturally I had expectations he'd help as needed the following day, esp. since he took the day off to care for me and our daughter.

This isn't the olden days, so I do not have a tribe of women to help me with my daughter.

I often think of poker as a second job, and few wives would object to a second job. But unlike a second job, he is obsessed with poker. It dominates many conversations and he makes no effort to have any interests outside of the card room.

And he has been on this winning streak for 7 months now, and he certainly isn't basking me in his love. (His side of the bed is rather cold and empty, actually )

Thank you for the understanding and kind words. Our counseling session was very positive and we are starting to understanding the root fears that make this poker conflict so nasty. Right now he is playing on a schedule, which suits us both while we work on things.

He has not always been a winning gambler. He used to lose a lot, (including table games/slots) before he sobered up and got serious about poker. He is very talented and I'm quite proud of him, especially how he has evolved as a player.

Glad to see a bunch of good advice in this thread. I will add that I think your husband sees his value as a man coming from his role as the provider. I live in a place where the oil industry attracts many people for its high paying jobs in out of town camps. There are countless stories about unhappy marriages, kids who don't even know their parents because daddy is away 3 weeks and home for 4 days. This isn't really worth it in my humble opinion.

Life is always about balance. And I think a marriage counselor will likely help your husband realize that it's about give and take. And currently he appears to be taking, (while thinking he's giving you a better life.)

Hope it all works out for ya.