Hi
My threads is probably a bit special for a poker forum. I've been playing now for 2 years. I've always been a very competitive person and I was always certain that what other people can do I'm certainly able to do as well. If I weren't able though I stopped. In school and university I always have been one of the best, with compared to the other little effort. In sports I've also been pretty good...for example I started swimming when I was 9 and within a year I was one of the top 20 swimmers in one discipline in my country. However my team didn't select me for the national championship so I stopped...this has always been a weakness of me, I wanted too fast too much.
In poker I started reading books right from the beginning and I've always played good in my opinion. The first year I played small stakes, 11$ sngs and NL25. After one year I had 400$ in my account, that's when the tragedy started. I tried 3 100$ turbo sngs and won all at once. After that I was 4-tabling 100$ sngs for 2 weeks and was pretty successful, raising my roll up to 8k. I wanted to try NL200 with that roll. After I've lost 2 buyins I started tilting..ridiculous I know. I played a 500$ sng, which I've won. But after that, I started losing, a lot. I didn't play good anymore at all and lost all within a day! This day I seriously almost killed myself. I blocked myself of all poker sites the same day. The next day I opened up a second account everywhere though. I deposited 100$ and played an MSOP 25$ tournament at Fulltilt last summer with 2000 participants. At the final table I was massive chip leader and was close to winning 11.5k. However I finished 5th, winning "only" 3k, which I've lost soon thereafter.
Since then I've always wanted to stop and return after some days or weeks. At the beginning I played good with new hope but after some stupid dropout of a tournament I've always started tilting and lost everything. Money has lost its value to me because I've been winning and losing 1k in a matter of hours! I've cheated at work to get more money to play poker, I've sold a lot of stuff to play poker and lost it all.
Today I deposited 100$ at Pokerstars, built it up to 320 and then participated in a 40$ sat for an 800$ seat with 72 particpants. When we were 5 players (3 got a seat) I was chipleader. In one hand was Ak vs A8 vs 99 (99 was the big stack) and and a flopped, otherwise I would have won. Then I pused AT from the SB into KQo, the flop was AQQ, gg me again as bubble boy. In no less than 20 minutes I lost the rest of my roll.
I've blocked me out for half a year now from pokerstars, but I fear I'll return to maybe some other site. Because I cannot accept than I'm worse than other people in this and I've always seen that I'm good!! But I cannot control my emotions..but when I'm at home and bored I always want to play.
How cna I forget about poker! I don't want to play anymore...but I'm so envy of all these guys making 100ks per year or more. I would some much enjoy being that guy but I really need to stop....
I hope someone took the time to read this long post, thanks for your advice