Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonkotemmer
Hello,
Thank you guys for your replies. Since I started this thread, it kept going downwards. I tried to play but I just can't win anymore. Im playin scared money, miss 99% off the flops completly, and my draws will never come. I also noticed that Im playing bad now, can't think clearly, make stupid plays. I know my game used to be not like this.
I already had a job all the time, while I still was grinding and had 30k. But I worked parttime from 3pm to 8pm. so in the evenings I had time to play, and enough time to sleep since I start 3pm working. After the ''downswing'' and money blew on pit games, I started to work in the mornings aswell. So now I work like 8 to 9 hours a day. I start from 7am to 10am and then have a break, and then start again at 3pm to 8pm.
However, I couldnt stop playing poker, meanwhile I have to wake up 6am now to go to my job. So this past 2 weeks, I kept playing (and losing) untill 2am or so, then wake up at 6, completly broken and I had to go to my job ofcourse.
Today is another day like that, here I am at 2:30 am. I just came back from a session where I dropped another 600$ and now I have to sleep and wake up at 6 :s. How can I sleep now? Losing another 600$ and how can I wake up tomorrow without being sick to my stomach? So I decided that I dont want this feeling anymore, never. Today was officially my last session. This game is the worst thing that ever happend to me. It consumed 10 years of my life, living in pain, stress, misery all the time. It has to stop.
I have 3k left (lol) I cant stop to think about the money I have lost. You know what the worst is? I haven't enjoyed single penny of my 30k bankroll. I havent bought anything from it, other then food. Just blew it away.
I want to stick with my current job. I work 8 to 9 hours daily, my hourly salary is 10$ so its not much. But I wanna save money slowly, and work on other aspects of life without focussing to much on money. I missed very much in life after all those years of poker. Time to focus on that I guess.
Suicide would be sweet, but its not a option imo. I hope for better days in the future.
Yep, your goddamn right, suicide would be sweet...
But it can go wrong, and we get to live disabled, or it can hurt, and for pain is enough when we destroy our money gambling and the full-on daily reminder.
And then there's also our family that loves us, and in my case, I can actually help by providing for them, by helping financially and emotionally...
My mother doesn't get tired of telling that I am the only thing that she ever wanted the most in her life, and that she loves me very much, and misses me... So if suicide could come with a chance to erase the world's memories of me ever being alive, I wouldn't be writing anything. I would be in the cemetery, or like, nowhere.
I got a credit card, 1000k plafond, to gamble, well, to play poker yes, not gamble, but an addict is an addict, playing poker addicted morphs into gambling as easily as the most easy thing we can imagine.
Then I found out, that if I canceled my payment midway thru the month, I could get the credit card payment, before it was made, even tho it was giving 1000k more to spend.
So, what did I do? I canceled the payment, and instead of 1000k that month, I got 2000k. So, I got to destroy 2000k that month.
And when the time came to pay the next month, I said, oh hell no, I won't pay anything, so I don't have to spend anything this month, and I'll "invest" (the most LOL term in the gambling addict mind) everything I have, so that when I pay up it won't make any difference.
It's been almost 1 year since I haven't paid. I have my name in the government now, I am in a special list of people that owe money, and either I pay or I pay...
I live everyday with the fear that maybe someday I will just be approached by the police, because they do that here, to pay, and if I don't, I will be deported. And everyday I wait for that to happen.
Because I don't pay, because I keep using all the money to gamble, to get more money so that I can pay, and still be comfortable afterwards.
The thing is 10 days ago, I was gambling, and I won 7000k dollars, in one day, from like 200 or 300...
But the thing is the same day, well not the same day, but I didn't sleep so it's not like it was the same day, anyways, I destroyed everything, and on top of the 7k, I had my own money that summed up like 1k or close to that, so what did I do?
I had to chase losses, so I also spent the remainings.
So we are in the month 10, and I've managed to live thru 10 months, destroying winnings, early in the month, and then living broke, literally, broke, 2, 3, 4 weeks at a time, with little food.
I worked like you did and played at the same time like you did, but that didn't took long until I was so bad I ended up destroying everything on tilt.
So you are good! You have money on your hand, and a job, and you seem to have left the idea of playing.
Good for you. And wish me luck next month when I gamble to pay my debts and still have money left, or wish me luck that they don't come knocking on my door to deport me, or wish me luck that I find a job!