Quote:
Originally Posted by Nepeeme2008
I apologize to the degenerate, I sort of bluffed and my bluff didn't get through. I had to give it a go. Your posts are just so non chalant it's nothing I've ever come across before. Maybe you fit the classic description and not what I was trying to propose.
Take a good look into your life, what have you done in the past that's so bad and you're trying to punish yourself now?
I've been thinking about that for a long time, there might be some reasons for me to be the way I am and act the way I act because of something that made act and think like this while I was growing up.
And the thing is I've always been in awe to money in general, and the big numbers, and the "wonder" lives of everybody I've seen that only are like that because of the amount of money they have.
And so I've made stuff like being a dealer in my past just because of the profit it gave me, because of the money, I have been like obsessed with money and having it, lots of it, no matter how... Put a stop on that, because I was raised in a moral,ethic and honest family so I still don't agree with a lot of ways that some people use/create to make their money in dishonest ways and treacherous.
But money has sort of speak louder in a lot of stuff.
I remember a lot of times when I was a kid my grandmother getting really angry at me because I was in awe with some money I got I don't remember how and I was speaking about it like it was the best thing that happened to me, or I was doubting my aunt because she wanted to see what I had and I told her she couldn't like she was going to rob me or something like that I don't remember well...
But I remember my grandmother saying, "ffs, you only think about money, you are crazy about money, you will have big problems in your future because of how you are" and here I am. She hit the jackpot on that, and I was like 10 years old.
I don't blame myself for my family and leaving them, they don't blame me either, but I know they need help, they really need help, they struggle really damn hard, you can't understand only I told you about my mother's life, how much she struggles to put food on the table.
But she gave me everything, the way she is struggling now I didn't had to live like that, I had it all, whatever I wanted, whatever I didn't think I wanted, she give me, I was raised in golden era of my mother's life.
And now it's all ended, my father wanted my mother to abort me, my family father the same, my mother family the same, she was the only one that wanted me alive. I will be in debt with her, her attitude, and character, and education she provided me, for all my life, no matter how much I give to her, it will never repay what she give me.
She tells me all that she needs is that I am good and well, and with her, but I don't agree, because she also needs money to be well, and I want to give it to her, and I want to have money myself, and I want to spend it, however I want, and still have money left. It's ****ing stupid, it's how I behave inside of me, it's how I think, even if I don't want to think like that. It's greedy, it's just plain stupid.
Don't need to tell me the people that achieve their fortunes did it on merit or inheritance and I don't have that possibility and I was lazy to go after it on merit, I know that, I'm putting the reasons and feelings that have driven me to do what I do on the table, not more not less.
And I have the self-awareness to acknowledge my own stupidity.