Anyone who plays poker knows poker has plenty of ups and downs, but with each up or down so goes my mood. Let me clarify.

WHEN I WIN:

I feel confident, happy, fulfilled, and optimistic. Poker is the best job I could every imagine and nothing else could come close.

WHEN I LOSE:

I am miserable. I feel stupid and dumb. I feel depressed and hopeless. I want to numb my pain and sometimes use drugs, alcohol, sex, or food to feel better. Of course these things only make it worse. I am mean, rude, and sarcastic. I want to die. I hate myself and my life. I hate poker, casinos, and everyone I come into contact with. Anyone who has anything to say I quickly snap back at.

People constantly say I am being too hard on myself. Well, what am I supposed to do? Be happy? Be ok with my stupid mistakes? I can accept bad beats, but I rarely lose to running bad. I would bet 80-90% of my losses are due to mistakes which I know are mistakes but I do them anyway. I take unnecessary risks because I have this creative brain which sees things and I just cant help myself when I see a spot to bluff. Or maybe I level myself into a hero call because the last time I was right and now I perhaps have this false confidence and then the next three times I am wrong.

I truly wish I was a nit. I think good nits are overrated because as a professional keeping variance down can keep you sane. Who cares if you theoretically pass up on some EV. For some people like myself maybe its actually +EV to reduce variance because then I am not going to cut sessions short or punt off even more. Not to mention life EV of not feeling miserable.

But I just don't think I'm wired this way. I wish I could change playing styles but its really hard because when the flop comes J44 and a guy limps UTG I know he almost never has a 4 and so when I check raise from the BB and he calls - well of course he flops quads and I feel like an idiot. And that's just one of many examples.

Now let me beat some of you to the punch here. I have hired many well known people (jared tendler, etc.) over the years to help me with this. I have no problem investing in myself if it pays off, but it never seems to pay off. No coach or book or anything can make me patient, calm, or anything. A coach can't play your cards for you! All you can do it learn concepts, but they cant make you apply it. And this is really the most tragic part, because I understand the game on an intellectual level but I don't apply it when it counts. Sure, sometimes I do, but blind squirrels find acorns too. I understand variance is part of poker and part of that variance is mistakes, not just bad beats or coolers. But some of the mistakes I make - actually most of them, are unnecessary and intolerable and not what most pros at higher levels would make. (I mostly play 1/3 here in Vegas). And you might say how I do know? Because I talk to them and I know their game and I watch them play and they simply don't spazz out. They are grinders and they basically wait for good spots to get value. That's what pays the bills.

So with all that being said, how do I achieve more emotional balance in poker? Yes I know some of you will also say get a hobby, do others things, etc. And yes I do. I workout, hike, bowl, read, and drive for Uber.

Tell me something I haven't heard before. Surprise me. Or tell me I am truly hopeless and offer me a job. Because no one will hire me despite the fact I am smart, educated and literally willing to work from the bottom up. And the longer I play poker and the older I get the less hirable I become. I have a MA in Communications. I like to write. I am creative. I want to travel the world and gain experiences, dance, sing, and do what makes me happy while I can still do it. I want to help people and make a difference. Not come home miserable every other night hating my life. This game I once loved and played for fun is now destroying my soul.

I have written lots of posts before. And most of the time people are just critical. I am lost. I feel I have no idea what my purpose in life is. I am not fulfilled. Its a struggle most of the time. Or maybe I have it all wrong and everyone is supposed to hate their job and that's why they call it work. Maybe its just unrealistic to think everyone can have their dream job. Maybe I should just be grateful I am not homeless, although I bet some homeless people are happier than me right now so maybe I should try that for a while. I'm serious. Where do I sign up for that gig? At least they make money everyday! Shoot some of them make pretty good money! Maybe Ill walk around with a sign that says "I suck at poker and life so now I'm doing this."

Have you ever seemed opinions on if you have depression ? Sounds like gambling is a trigger for something already inside of you

Yeah, you have a lot more going on than getting mad at a bad beat. It sounds like you need some therapy. I don't know where you're from but if in the US, you should be able to find a local psychologist or psychiatrist who will take your insurance. If no insurance, there are a lot of them who work on sliding fee scales to help keep it affordable. And, of course, call 911 if you ever feel like you're going to hurt yourself or others.

If you play for 6 months like 10+/hrs a week, and don't even get to a break-even point, you should enjoy your poker habit. And, if you can't enjoy your poker habit, you should quit altogether.

Get mad at a bad beat, and quit for life, imo. Impose a self-ban.

If you're playing live fullring maybe try making a deposit online and playing some micro HUSNGs. You have to play like 90% of your hands in those so if you're reasonably good at poker you're going to be rewarded for knowing how to loosen up. After you've played a bunch of those go back to your live fullring game and realize how much you have to tighten up playing 8 or 9 other people. If you do this the worst case scenario is that it doesn't help and you're out your $50-$100 deposit.

Also if you're surviving I think you're doing fine. There are billions of people in the world who are in a worse situation than you. That said there's nothing wrong with wanting more. This is just my opinion though.

I've been seeing your posts on here for years and years, and it's always the same. How have you not quit poker? You clearly hate it/ don't understand variance enough to continue. Why do you put yourself through the torture when you're clearly not built for this game?

''WHEN I LOSE:

I am miserable. I feel stupid and dumb. I feel depressed and hopeless. I want to numb my pain and sometimes use drugs, alcohol, sex, or food to feel better. Of course these things only make it worse.'' > Think we all been there done that.

I assume you are a winner that plays poker full time.
That's what playing poker fulltime is all about brah: Endless pain and frustration.
But it gives you $$$

And yeah loosing doesn't affect me nearly as much when i loose due to mistakes. Happens to everyone, is part of the learning process.

'' I want to die. I hate myself and my life. I hate poker, casinos, and everyone I come into contact with. '' > IDK about this. I just hate myself for a short period of time when i make a mistake. Don't hate anything or anyone else but me.

''People constantly say I am being too hard on myself.''> And they are right.

''I feel I have no idea what my purpose in life is.'' > People's life pupses change as life changes and advances.

I once truly believed that poker was the purpose of my life. At this point of my life i play poker once every other week, and it is a short session.

Right know idk what the purpose of my life is but i know that right now is not poker.
Is prolly getting in the best shape of my life. So i can be the best BKB player i can be.

check this website out it might help you.

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/6-powerf...-life-forever/

It helped me on discovering that poker is not the purpose of my life.

glgl

I have finally come to this conclusion as well. Now, the problem is what to do next. Getting a job is frustrating.