This past week I was in lockdown poker mode. Focused in on putting myself in a position to succeed. I made sure to eat before and after sessions; drank lots of herbal teas for relaxation; played without having skype open, same deal for internet browsing and ipad streaming. These are basic tasks that should already be foundational ground rules. Living a more balanced and physically healthier lifestyle are the ultimate goals before I can start focusing on the bigger picture.
Quick backstory: I recently was completely broke. My bank accounts were in the red and I was seen roaming the Best Buy parking lots trying to pawn off a $400 gift card. Eventually I sold it off Craigslist for about $350
. Getting broke was a more intimate affair that I’ll delve into at a later time. On the way down however I had about $500 online and ran it up to $2k in a weekend; peaked at about $2700 then went on a 9 day losing streak highlighted by me yelling so loudly my neighbors kids rang the doorbell to ask if everything was ok.
Thus ensued a hiatus from my tumultuous love that is poker. Upon recommencing I again started with $500 and armed with Rousey Rules I went on a 30 buyin upswing playing strictly 50nl.
Come Thanksgiving my plans were to make my first homemade two crust pie and shot take higher stakes vs our merry, drunken, friends. Well, the pie took about 3 hours of prep work and one oven fire (started by melting crust), otherwise it turned out well. I actually never had a piece and am relying on the honesty of others lol, Momma took a few slices in her carry on, also gave some to my drug dealer and froze the rest for a later date. Blackberry Pie.
As for the poker, it was disastrous. I don’t know if I was already burnt out or forcing myself to play, but suffice to say I was pushing the issue way too far and subsequently went on moderate tilt from frustration and lack of impulse control. Lost half of my profits.
Friday I played again and could tell something was still off. Didn’t have the patience or self control to properly analyze and execute. Thought I’d try to kick off my blog idea that had been bouncing around but found that I didn’t have much to say or the wherewithal to buckle down and focus my energy.
So I decided I wanted to get high. While I refrained from sinking a substantial % of my net worth into product, I still made a questionable decision.
I love to get high. A fiend at heart I know no moderation.
There is clarity in sobriety, a sense of having a higher purpose and a different feeling of what life is altogether. Now the but, something I’ve been chasing for a very long time. There is a power to taking the easy road, emotions are less inhibited and I’m addicted to the freedom of the experience. Which is ironic because it’s not real freedom; I’m governed by maintaining that fix and eventually slowly morph into a self absorbed, less dynamic person. I’ll stop here because it’s easy to get bogged down in describing the minutia of an emotional state.
Here’s an example of the process that I’m addicted to. You see a girl. It’s not the physical beauty that draws your attention but the smile on her face. There’s such a radiant expression of joy, a sparkle of life behind the eyes that emanates from experiencing a pure uninhibited moment of self expression. That’s beauty personified in simple form.
Now comes my reaction; sometimes I feel like I invaded a person’s privacy, sometimes I become so attracted in that moment I can’t take it and will emotionally shut down, usually in the face ubiquitous happiness I start experiencing feelings of sadness for those who aren’t having a moment like this. When I’m high my emotions are so raw and visceral, generally resulting in immature behavior.
I wrote this with an eye on saying that truth and perception are just concepts. In terms of being at peace and fully understanding something: it’s easier when we let go of expectations and forego the need to define the experience. When we understand that there is no right or wrong way to accept something, we are free to experience our natural reaction. The more you know, the more you don’t know; accept this and you’ll find that in effect you gain a higher emotional understanding and things will bother you less.
I recognize that I’m going through an emotional funk. Often I think that the more I try to define who I am, the more out of sync I become with who I really am and am prone to fall into a melancholy attitude.
I don’t know if I’m burnt out from poker. I don’t know if getting high can ever be a safe thing to do. I do understand that I often deny the things that I want most. There is no excuse or higher purpose to this moment. Tonight I’m going to get high because I’ve been craving it all day. I will be cognizant in trying to not let this affect my poker, but sometimes we just need to keep repeating an experience until we learn the lessons that we need to learn.
Peas everyone and have a fun weekend!