Rasta,

You could easily set up a free blog site in less time than it takes to write an average post of yours.

Writing huge piles of material for nothing and posting it where no one will see it... I can kind of see why there's no wind in those sails.

Rasta, tons of non-profits could use help with their communications. I imagine London has directories like CharityVillage where you could find one and lend them a hand from time to time. It might not be your passion, (an overblown ideal, imo), but you'll enjoy it, get some recognition, and have something to take a little pride in.

Except for people begging mods to move me, happily telling everyone how much my posting sucks, telling me I have no hope for getting anywhere with dating and making up that the fact that I have gf with whom I'm now having awesome sex was down to me following the cult of OOT!

and then desperately telling me that I don't actually have haters.

You hate me sunshine

Solid advice. Will try this.

As I say, **** is suspended as I'm leaving for Brazil on Wednesday.

This weekends been good though; had a great time with Lucy (sex getting better and better and better), saw my Brazil friend and met up with my other friend who I hadn't seen in ages that I'm gonna be trying a podcast with

(interesting guy actually - from a hyper-muslim family (in the UK) that disowned him when he converted away from the religion - actually a good inspiration for me as his life has been infinitely harder than mine and he's overcome **** loads)

Yo guys, a question:

Do you think I have an overblown ego and high self-esteem? Or too low a self-esteem?

On the one hand; I supposedly "have too much confidence and pride in my posts etc." and I'm more than willing to argue against people on here (despite being 1) outnumbered and 2) up against far more respected posters), stick two fingers up to authority not just on here, but in school and suchlike, and just generally come across like a bit of an arrogant tosser.

On the other side of the coin, I seem to tolerate being what most people would consider a loser. I don't have much of a drive to really 'better myself' beyond just increasing my own scope for happiness in life. Plus, as Howard pointed out to me, I've stuck around (albeit online) in somewhere where I'm not respected and where 'shame' would be an appropriate reaction.

These are two extremes that point in completely opposite directions.

The reason I ask is because my goal, mentally, needs to be to somehow get myself into a frame of mind where I can be (and be perceived as) both humble and ambitious. I'm currently pretty much the opposite of both, and currently in the worst of both worlds at the moment.

Oh btw, a smaller point that might be worth mentioning.

I'm off to Brazil on Wednesday and I'm really, really nervous. I'm not excited whatsoever; just nervous about things like the plane journey, struggling to speak the language, getting lost, beaten up, mugged, having a rubbish time and having to go home disappointed.

Just pure worry and anxiety.

I know that sounds like a cry for sympathy (it really isn't) but I think its worth reporting to you as it is kind of an unusual reaction that gives a bit of an insight into my mentality. Its probably a relic of being 15-17 and going to teenage parties worrying about being beaten up.

I remember arranging to meet with a girl when I was 16 I think and I ended up cancelling on her because I thought that she was actually a honey trap bringing a bunch of guys to beat me up (for no real reason) (this was a few months after some previous friends of mine beat me up for going out with an ex-girlfriend of some guy in our group - it was actually purely platonic and besides which, it wasn't even a date)

Just some fairly muddled **** worth mentioning that might give an insight into my level of paranoia and the extent to which I've grown to value safety and comfort too much.

This is not the other side of the coin at all, to the contrary. Using your terminology, you're ok with being a loser because your overblown ego tells you that you could be something else if you wanted to, you just don't want to because you've figured out what you want out of life, and it happens to be the things you get from being a loser. Whereas if you did try and found out there's no justification for your overblown ego, you'd have to make some uncomfortable concessions about your self image.

It's very common.

Rasta,

Whether or not you like me very much, you might well be right.

I've often thought that I have an overblown ego which essentially allows me to feel fine with myself despite never actually doing anything. Perhaps I have such a huge ego that I don't feel the need to prove myself to myself.

I can only assure you that you are incorrect about the bolded though.

I can't prove it, but I'm well aware of the fact that I might not have it in me to succeed at whatever. I've applied for hundreds of jobs and got nowhere (at best I've fallen at the final hurdle (assessment centres after online form/tests/telephone interview).

Anyway, rest assured I'm very familiar with trying and failing. I'm certainly not delusional enough to think that I could be an investment banker or whatever if I wanted to be. I mean, granted, I wouldn't particularly want that lifestyle, but I certainly wouldn't be capable of it even if I did. Likewise, I would never be able to get on a graduate scheme for a national newspaper (something I'd love to achieve) no matter how hard I tried; and after uni, I did try (spent days on application forms only to receive a rejection letter).

Second thing is that I haven't got a clue what I want from life.

EDIT:

Gonna give this a try: https://humanism.org.uk/about/vacancies/volunteer-2015/

Their offices are pretty near where I work.

Oh, one more question I have.

Suppose I had been legit trying my absolute hardest for the past two and a half years since leaving uni, had failed miserably and was sat here wondering what to do with my life having eliminated anything to do with political writing as a career but still utterly clueless about what to do with myself, what advice would you give me?

1. I think even the question you're asking isn't really very useful. Don't worry about whether you're too arrogant on the one hand or too insecure on the other. Spend the minutes you spent articulating that question (and thinking about the answers) on drafting and editing a post that will make everyone here laugh. Or cry. Or wish they'd been there. Or wonder about the world. Or any one of many other easily-describable goals of writing.

2. Holy moley, there's clearly something wrong. I've never once worried about getting beaten up without direct and specific cause for thinking about it, i.e. having a bottle thrown at me at a club in Korea or suchlike, and certainly never before getting on a plane.

Cheers for the advice fella. Its solid as hell, and if anything its just made me realise how utterly incapable of doing any of that I probably am at the moment.

And yeah I've come to the conclusion that I'm actually pretty ****ed up in the head. I'm sat here, about to get wasted and play poker and have two weeks off in Brazil to come back to a nice new girlfriend and I'm depressed as ****. For no literally no real reason.

I need therapy ASAP.

I've always been guarded against the idea just because I felt like it'd only end up giving me more of an excuse to wallow in self-pity, but I've just come to the inescapable conclusion that my internal experiences are fundamentally different from most people's.

When I was a teenager or uni student I guess I put it down to things like still being young, anxious and learning or whatever but nah, its real.

Now granted, 2+2 doesn't give a particularly balanced representation of what I'm like IRL. I share this **** with absolutely nobody and I don't intend to, which is why its provided a bit of an outlet.

But yeah, I'm ****ed. I need help.

Have you ever considered joining an army?

Got back from Brazil on Tuesday; at work now.

Given up on the writing thing. Might start a blog if I can be bothered but I'm not really sure. For now going to look for more standard jobs so that I can at least say that I'm trying to 'improve' my situation when people ask.

Thing is, for some reason I still can't muster much of an actual desire to do anything with my life. A large part of me pines for cycling to and from the call-centre, working a mere 10-15 hours a week, living at home and having swathes of free time. Part of me even feels like I'd actually do that if it weren't for the fact its a socially unacceptable lifestyle.

Its almost like I'm one of the few people who's managed to accept the meaningless of life. Very few people I've met can grasp the idea that someone truly doesn't care whatsoever about leaving a mark on Earth once they're gone, or that 'achieving' something or 'being someone' means nothing in an abstract sense. I just don't seem to really care about much anything.

Various career paths that I've considered are

Actor
Fireman
Hang-gliding instructor
Doing a masters and trying to get into the think-tank world.

My goal in life is to maximise my own personal happiness as well as the happiness of those around me that I care about. Nothing more.

Gonna spend today trying to jazz up my CV and seeking out advice on how to improve it online. So I suppose that's a productive thing to do.

This (look around you) is the think-tank world!

Rasta,

Why? Why look for standard jobs if that's not what you want to do? Why not just pick up and move to a beach in Thailand or something?

lol @ that being at all unique or special. That describes huge swaths of society, and is the case for every slacker around.

Yet you pursue paths that you've claimed don't bring you happiness. Why?


again, why? How is this better than just moving to some beach/resort area and living a life of fun and adventure?

I enjoy the comfort of the first world, have far too many friends back home that I'd miss desperately, and finally, I don't fancy non-white women. Although I could definitely see myself living in Brazil. Its certainly crossed my mind.

Its certainly not special whatsoever, but to be as conscious of it is I find, quite rare. Either way its an irrelevant point. Slacker, loser, whatever, call it what you want, I simply can't make myself want to do something that I don't want to do.

Society however, values people who do want to get a job, make good money, have children, buy a house and suchlike; and whilst I can't make myself want to do any of those things, I can certainly make myself do them in spite of not enjoying any of them.

Well I haven't really pursued any paths whatsoever. That's the problem. I can't identify a clear path that is likely to bring me happiness and as such, find myself pursuing short-term paths that minimise suffering.

Well how would I sustain my living there? Besides, again its a moot point as I'd just miss so many of my friends from back home. I'm by no means electrically popular but I've got a good fair few who I trust and love dearly.

Oh you went here. Subscribe!

Meh, I only figured out what I wanna do with my life like a year ago, I'm soon 27. Takes longer for some people than for others. No Brazil TR?

I'm afraid they sent me here when the frustrated 2+2 bourgeois realised that interest in my 'Sexodus' thread, and indeed myself, just wouldn't dutifully disappear, especially when I had been proven right to act contrary to large parts of the advice given to me by OOT.

Went to Rio, Sao Paulo and Florianopolis. Was pretty cool. Will post a TR maybe later but I don't know how interesting or unique it'll be.

Its funny, one of the guys in Brazil that we met (we met two 30-year old backpackers who had quit their profitable, but uninspiring jobs in sales/insurance) actually said he could definitely see me working in politics/social policy/think-tanks. Recommended I should go for it and 'make it happen' and all that during a long-ass what-are-we-doing-with-our-lives group-of-travellers conversation.

Rasta,

Do you think all the people who work in factories, work in offices doing tedious accounting/filing/etc stuff, and countless other standard 9-5 jobs actually enjoy and want to do those jobs?

Well that's rather my point. Most people work in order to live and essentially choose their poison with which to facilitate their lifestyle.

I can't seem to muster much enthusiasm for that, especially when the only real difference is the amount of money one receives.

Every time I think about applying to become an accountant or consultant for PWC/Deloitte/E&Y/KPMG (those are the four major graduate employers in the UK) I remember that its a 9-hour day followed by an evening of intensive study for the barrage of professional exams that come your way.

The £30,000-£50,000 p/y paycheque just wouldn't offset that level of suffering for me the way it would for most people, I'd still be desperately unhappy.

I'm content with what most people would consider a very ordinary lifestyle. I'm not particularly fussed by things like cars, owning a house or having £600 loafers or whatever. Trouble is, society doesn't admire people who are content to do what they would perceive as 'underachieve'.

Sometimes I feel like I'd stay in my current job for like if I was payed £30k for instance, as it allows me to get away with slacking like hell. Vast majority of people wouldn't.

Anyway, with money not a big deal for me, I still want to be able to enjoy life and for me, that means not essentially suffering for 50+ hours a week working/travelling to and from work. That means getting into a field that I enjoy and find interesting.

I've been scoping out a few Master's degrees. Several of the ones at LSE (London School of Economics) look very appealing, especially the ones in International Relations/Strategy/Political Diplomacy etc.

Furthermore, there are several executive Masters degrees which require four years of work-experience; which is good news were I apply for an internship at the think-tank - as I could justifiably point to such degrees as a target for which the internship would prove useful for attaining. I'd have a goal and a clear path.

Rasta,

One of your biggest problems imo is your fear about what society/other people think.

If a simple lifestyle is what makes you happy, do that. Why worry about how "society" judges your choice?