Nice. I doubt that to be the reason though; most of the times when people get referred to the House of Blogs it's because threads evolve in storytelling about their lives. Which the Sexodus thread eventually turned into, I guess.

How is your girlfriend? Are you guys still in love? Loved that good ending for you.

I should have perhaps clarified things. I'm not concerned with being judged in an abstract sense; that doesn't fuss me at all.

I am however, concerned with the purely instrumental value of being judged positively and the fact that like it or lump it, being respected or disrespected by people has a huge bearing on one's happiness. If people don't respect you, there's a huge cap on what you can achieve and how happy you can be.

An unmarried man, living at home at the age of thirty or so, will attract either pity or mockery right off the bat, even if both himself and his parents are completely happy with the situation and even if he devotes his time to something respectable and productive like...say...I don't know, learning languages or music or whatever.

As a result, it'll be harder for him to make friends, have interesting stories to tell, have romantic relationships and almost impossible for him to start a family (the latter being an option I certainly want to keep open, I'd be very good father).

Its similar to (although not directly comparable to) the school playground. Do the kids at the bottom care about what the cool kids think of them? Almost certainly not, but the knock-on effects they suffer of not getting invited to parties, never getting girls and not being able to form a large and affectionate circle of friends due to the stigma that surrounds them, most certainly is something they care about.

But yeah, I'm not fussed with what people think of me (I mean hell, look at my posts on here, I'm hardly Mr Popular at all), but I am 1) concerned with my happiness and 2) humble enough to admit that other people's perceptions of me can affect my happiness indirectly.

We're not in love, lets not go too crazy here! But things have certainly gone well.

We aren't quite GF/BF just yet (although we have committed to being exclusive with one another).

We kept in touch whilst I was away and managed to see each other on Tuesday night after I got back from Brazil and just before she headed off for a holiday of her own (she gets back today). We're meeting again tomorrow and then I'll likely stay over at hers on Thursday night what with the long weekend.

All in all things look very positive and we'll likely make it official fairly soon. I think she just wanted to get what threatened to be a fairly big break (our adjacent holidays) out of the way.

Even if things somehow go tits-up from here its been an incredibly positive thing for me. Getting some sexual experience has been great (not so much for self-respect as literally everyone I know had always assumed that I'd done it (though that wasn't something I was keen to correct them on!)), but yeah, just generally getting the hang of having pleasurable sex in general is a huge deal (although I have used Cialis).

Plus its just nice to succeed in the dating/courtship game and get a bit of practice there.

...and of course this is all aside from the fact that she certainly seems to like me and that its nice to be liked. It had been such a long time and I had really immersed myself in the idea that no woman would ever want me to the extent that it was a major negative force in my life.

Wish me luck for keeping it going

That's nice! Sorry if I assumed you were in love and GF/BF: I'm an old traditional (I guess?) bore.

That you're still in need of Cialis can't be great though, does your lady know you use this?

All the best!

Oh I most certainly like her and I'm very happy that she likes me! I would just define romantic/sexual 'love' as "I think I might actually want to spend the rest of my life with you". So its obviously far too early for the 'L' word.

Here's the thing, after the first night of nervousness-induced failure I decided to try Cialis and went on to bang her five or six times throughout that night and early morning. Since then I've used two more pills (screwed I think...5 times each night I think?) Got one pill left, but will likely order four more.

Anyway, though I'm comfortable with her enough that I'm very confident I'd be able to bang her without Cialis, I certainly wouldn't be able to keep up to the standards I've now set!

She's remarked that I have a really, really high sex drive; so she's obviously none-the-wiser (although happily enough, she's also remarked that she expects we'll 'calm down' sooner or later - which is obviously good for me).

The plan is basically to keep using the Cialis for the next...psh...maybe three more sex sessions? Then give sex a go without using it (but perhaps taking it with me as backup). Anyway, at that stage, should I fail again, it won't be too much of an issue. I can just get back on the drug and chalk it up as a one-off.

I can also halve the dose and begin to wean myself off it.

Thank you kindly!

Rasta,

This is the girl who is not long term relationship potential quality, right?

I never said she wasn't LTR quality. Quite the contrary, I'd love to be in a relationship with her.

I just don't think (realistically speaking) that she's 'the one' or any guff like that.

Still, I think that there's potential for us to share a solid LTR for maybe a year or perhaps even further than that, and well....yeah? We make each other happy, enjoy each other's company and it seems like we've got something here. Its all good

Combine that with the bonus factor of my being able to keep my feet on the ground and likely not be too distraught if it does end, and its a very positive thing to happen.

Its motivated me to do more with my life as well. I really did indulge in the idea that women were beyond me in order to justify my laziness. She's ridiculously hard-working and ambitious as well; and I really hope she succeeds at what she wants to. She certainly deserves it and is insanely humble about the amount of effort she puts in.

Having a look at some of the Masters courses on International Relations and suchlike and feeling far more enthusiastic, albeit perhaps not particularly optimistic today/this evening.

Again its the same as with the blog/writer ambition, I don't know if I've got next to no chance at succeeding and whether or not I'd be wasting my time even trying, but at the same time I'd most definitely be doing something that I'd enjoy, find interesting and very fulfilling were I to succeed.

Part of the emotionally crippling and sickeningly depressing thing about the job application process with regard to other office jobs is the fact that I just can't muster much real enthusiasm about much anything commercial. I've just been poring over a data scientist position (that I actually think I'd be rather good at) that incidentally, I've found that you actually need to have a mathematical degree for (although that was rather irritatingly left out of the job advert...however, I digress).

Even then, as soon as you see that long-ass application form that can take a whole weekend to complete, it just zonks my enthusiasm altogether. All that effort telling them how amazingly enthusiastic I am to do something I don't really want to do? Urgh. I don't know...

Still wish I could wave a magic wand and become a fireman!

Either way, I do feel a great deal more enthusiastic about improving my life. Getting Brazil done has really put my mind at ease (visiting Brazil specifically was a huge ambition of mine for several years).

Now that its out of the way, I feel like I can concentrate on other stuff with a lot less inhibition (finding myself stuck in a career and saving for a car/house etc. knowing that I never had the gumption to travel to Brazil when I had the chance would have massively killed my soul).

You were all fired up about writing two weeks ago, and I was actually somewhat looking forward to a quality Brazil TR. What happened to change that? Is it the fact that TRs take some work, organization, and thought; or something else?

Then DO IT! Come on.

You don't want to do anything commercial, then don't. You want to become a data scientist -> go study. I mean honestly, for anything a little bit interesting you need higher education. Don't apply anywhere, where you not really want to be. But if you see something, where you want to be, then GO FOR IT. I mean this whine whine whine. You are a young man, I am an old hag, and I go with more drive than you for things I want.

Choose one thing, which you really really really want. If it become someone in International Relations, then so be it, if it become a data scientist, so be it and really go for it. Do everything in your power to get there. If you need to study and fill out application forms and jump on one leg around the house to get there, then DO IT.

I am shocked that a weekend of filling out application forms puts you in distress. I mean HR should see from this form that you are THE GUY for this job. Is it to much to spend two days to present yourself in right way? I don't think so.

And may be a little thing about how I did choose my job. I never thought a single thought about money, or I should choose something what gives me good future or respect in the society. I just always liked science fiction. And I wanted to make such things like in the science fiction, like time travel and flying into space. ( love I. Asimov and D. Adams and R. Bradbury and Boris& Arkadij Strugazkij. If you are a little bit for scifi, this four are the best.) And so I studied physics. I am not working in basic research, so I don't do any of this things directly, but I like to think, that I do contribute to the future of the humanity in space.

man man man! But your writing definitely causes some emotions. So may be writing is not a bad idea.

But this is the thing Lapka, I haven't had one particular thing which I 'really really really want' aside from something that might well prove inaccessible and/or a waste of time in trying to achieve. Fireman just ain't happening in London. They haven't hired anyone in years; only transferred experienced firefighters from other parts of the country. I'd have to essentially intern out of town (which my parents would never fund me for) and yeah, no chance. Let's put that one to bed.

I must say however, I have recently become genuinely very enthusiastic about the prospect of higher education in international relations/international political economy. It excites and interests me and I'm going to try and go for it.

Trouble is, I've spent so much time cumulatively on application forms in the past that it feels like I'm having to run 10km just to buy a friggin' lottery ticket, and more importantly, a lottery ticket to something I wouldn't even like.

All the advice I've been given has been words to the effect of 'get a job, any job', and it has been difficult to figure out how to run against that grain after coming to terms with the fact that all it'll do is bring me unhappiness. I think I'm starting to identify a path though.

Haha, right.

First of all, massive congratulations for finding happiness and meaning in life whilst also making a contribution to humanity.

But c'mon. Studying a technical degree which will qualify you for plenty of jobs isn't exactly a massive risk nor does it really run contrary to a particularly *standard* way of life. You wanted to become a scientist and became one. Not taking anything whatsoever away from you, but this isn't that difficult from wanting to become an accountant. You might well enjoy it, and the money might well not be a factor in your motivation, but the fact remains that its still a role with an obvious career path that sustains an obviously well-funded lifestyle.

The issue is money. Spending hours upon hours blogging for absolutely £0 is a massive waste of time and a huge distraction if I didn't succeed in somehow making a realistic living wage from it.

Yeah I'm probably somewhere between being a worse writer than I think I am, and a better one than some of the people on here would like me to think I am, but thank you for the compliment!

On a separate, but related note, many people on here have told me words to the effect of "I shouldn't worry about what people think of me, how they're perceiving me and societal expectation and suchlike", especially with regard to moving out of my parents' hosue.

Let me respond to this issue once and for all. Feel free to respond, otherwise I'll assume you accept what I'm saying or at least acknowledge my point.

So lets say I put this idea into practice...

...OK. Done. I now have no desire to move out of my parents house. Boom.

I'm pretty much serious. In my ideal world, there would be no stigma whatsoever around living at home with Mum and Dad for as long as you want. In my ideal world, people and society wouldn't react to someone living at home with Mum and Dad with something ranging between pity (at best) and scorn (at worst). In my ideal world it wouldn't be a massive stain on your appeal as a romantic partner to women.

If we were in this ideal world, I would genuinely have no desire whatsoever to move out. My desire to move out is completely instrumental. Where I live at the moment is cheap, convenient and a great location. I don't actually *want* to move out, I just have to.

Yes yes yes, I hear what you're saying.

"But you shouldn't want to move out to satisfy societal expectations! You should want to move out because you ought to want to be independent for your own sake! For your own self-respect! For your own desire for independence!"

Right. Ok. You're basically telling me why you want to move out. All those things you've just mentioned? I don't feel those desires the way that you do, or at least not enough to overcome the expenses associated with them.

Yet the fact that you're telling me that I ought to have those desires however, pretty much proves my point; moving out of your parents' house is a socially-enforced imperative. It isn't like enjoying football, rugby or italian opera. Its something that people not only think you should do, but also think that you should want to do.

I wish to move out of my parents' house because doing so is instrumental in my pursuit of happiness, not because I actually want to in an abstract sense. Hope that clarifies things once and for all.

https://jobs.london-fire.gov.uk/job/...s_VCIs_/100311


If that

"I must say however, I have recently become genuinely very enthusiastic about the prospect of higher education in international relations/international political economy. It excites and interests me and I'm going to try and go for it."

is true, I would expect in the next days you will write, which steps did you take in that direction.

Lapka I'm telling you, they haven't hired any outright new recruits to train as firefighters in the past four years now. I have checked repeatedly.

All new firefighters in London (that come in very rarely because of course, the fire service is so heavily unionised and well-paid that none of them ever quit) come from other regional fire services.

For me to join the fire brigade I would likely first have to effectively intern (nearest available division being Sussex (Brighton)), followed by hopefully making my way up through there.

In order to move down there I'd need living expenses, which there's no way I'd get from my parents for something like that.

Its not happening man.

Yes, I've been doing my research throughout Sunday and today and have identified several courses that I'd be interested in doing at LSE, UCL and King's. I'd likely have to apply for an Autumn 2016 start as many of them are now either outright closed for applications or at least less likely to accept new applicants now that we're very close to the deadline.

Why can't you save up money for living expenses?

I'm sure he found that it was just too difficult to string more than a few words together.

I will when I find a moment. Saw gf yesterday (had spontaneous sex at my place and for the first time, without Cialis, so that brings that issue to a very welcome close). May be seeing a friend of mine tonight (potential podcast buddy) and catching up with another friend of mine on Wednesday night. Thursday I'm with gf again.

Oh and I've got a pay review on Thursday so I'll let you guys know how that pans out. If I get enough to move out, I most certainly will.

Could maybe fit in time today but I can't promise anything. Need to get my work done as well as this self-analysis performance document you've got to put together before the meeting.

GF rang me up last night to meet me at a pub with a friend of mine after the England/Italy game ended about 9.30-10ish (my hangout/watching the game with my friend/her meeting us overlapping - its probably about the right time to start introducing her to friends and vice versa). Anyway, ended up staying the night at hers and again, spontaneous sex (and had plenty more in the tank).

So that's good spontaneous sex without Cialis for the second consecutive night, despite having had about 5 pints of alcohol, despite having fallen back into smoking after Brazil and despite not having had a great deal of sleep and just generally despite all possible handicaps 'n' ****.

So, its done. I can 100% consider myself cured of ED.

Really takes the pressure off the relationship with Lucy as well; as if it does all go belly-up at some stage, I can still look back on it and genuinely be pleased that it happened, knowing that it was a positive experience that I've taken a lot from even if I don't know...she cheats or...there's some random fight about something and we break-up or whatever (not saying I wouldn't be considerably disappointed if that happened, but y'know, there's enough 'good stuff in the bank' for me to know that whatever happens, its been a positive experience for me).

Had pay review. No dice. £17k p/a 14 months in.

This'll likely cost me Lucy as well as she expected me to get the required raise to move out of my folks' house.

Why?

Why is 17 K not enough for you to move out? Why didn't you get a raise? Why didn't you done any steps to get this study place for international economics and such? Why do you enjoy so much to write things, which make everyone who reads that, feel "I deal so much better with life, than this guy"?

I mean you get here advice from so many people, who are successful in their job. Why was your last blog not about this self-analysis and questions and what you have done to prepare for this pay-review? May be someone would said something useful.

Just look at London prices. Cheapest place I could get including bills is £600 a month and its another £120 or so for travel. That leaves me £580 for other stuff which just isn't do-able.

The boss gave me high marks for every single category and we discussed all sorts of things we could do to advance the newsletter, but ended up apologetically telling me that I wouldn't be given a raise as they could get someone else to do my job for £17k. It just isn't that important.

Its only been a few days since I decided that I wanted to pursue that, and my evenings have been spent with friends (catching up after Brazil) and with my girlfriend, but trust me, I'm going to do all I can. I've discussed things with my parents and my sister, who tells me that now is a good time to apply for Masters funding.

Just being a good person. I like to know that I've at least made a positive difference in the world by letting other people know that things could be worse.

There's nothing anyone could have possibly said to get me more money. The problem is the job itself, its a loss-leader in our atrocious company and the boss is right, they can just get another desperate graduate to do my job and undercut me. Competition in London is fierce.

Time to be looking for a new job then I guess. At least where I live that's pretty much the best way to get a pay raise in most fields.

I'm heading out tonight with a few other mates and then linking up with my girl and her friends (I'm gonna be 'introduced' I guess (blurgh)).

To be honest, seeing happy people who obviously have perfectly normal-person jobs in a flat-share (I've met them briefly beforehand obviously), coupled with the fact that my wanderlust has been sated by Brazil does help me keep my feet on the ground. I'm not so depressed about getting another perfectly boring but tolerable normal-person job with better pay.

I think you guys do underestimate just how long the application process for many of these things take though. It can be months of waiting to get through to the next stage before you fail at the assessment day and realise how much time has been wasted.

A large part of the problem for me is that I don't know what I'm capable of; and whilst its all well and good saying "well you'll never know unless you try" it really isn't that simple.

For example, I could almost certainly do a law degree and get a good grade; but I'd then really struggle to get a job as the market is so competitive that the big London law firms look at your A-Levels as well (mine being pretty average). So where I to say, really go for it and try to become a lawyer, I could well end up in a worse situation with far more time and money simply wasted.

Rasta,

Have you considered getting some psychiatric counseling?

Yes, fairly often; but it was worth getting the sex thing out of the way first to see how it changed things. I could definitely imagine a psychiatrist zooming in on that Green Day-style and me completely agreeing. The fact that I was a 24-year old virgin who honestly thought he might well be physically incapable of sex would have been a massive red herring that likely would have blown us off course.

So yeah; my main problem is a lack of motivation stemming from honestly not knowing what it would take to make me happy, which stems from the fact that there isn't really anything that makes me happy at the moment.

Travel was fun and a wonderfully fulfilling experience but not the sort of thing that I could possibly do long-term. I just value comfort and security too much for it to be an actual lifestyle.

There are just so many things that one should want that I don't want. Moving out of my parents' house is one, a car is another (I don't care about learning to drive and honestly wouldn't be fussed if I never owned a car), but these things are things that you're supposed to want and things that people will disrespect you for not wanting (or at the very least, be very concerned that other people will disrespect you for not wanting).*

This is the problem with a career. People discourage me from going into teaching or law or whatever because they tell me "Rasta, it just sounds like your thinking about it on a whim, it doesn't sound like this is something you really want".

And they're right. These are whimsical thoughts. There simply isn't something that I really want.

To be honest, I think its quite likely that I suffer from depression and would be diagnosed as such, the problem is that I've led kind of a ****ty life up until now which has led me to believe that I don't suffer from depression but just have an unhappy life that anyone in my position would be finding just as unenjoyable.

Regardless of whether you're trolling or not, I think I may well have to see a psychiatrist.

*In my view, this is particularly applicable with girls. They themselves might not be too fussed that you live at home with your parents and/or don't have a car, but it takes a very strong, independent woman not to be anxious about the fact that a not-insignificant proportion of other people will perceive their boyfriend as a loser.