considering how much extremely clever **** I say (and the overwhelming amount of extremely stupid **** I say), I should clearly be blogging.
so i'll be whining and complaining and debating and other stuff I do towards myself, this should be fun


a little bit of the hawt piece of danish bacon I mentioned recently

I couldn't sleep yesterday, which I kind of dread because in the late hours I (despite being a happy person generally) focus on the negatives. But I kinda enjoyed the outcome, because the last bit of time has been quite rough. I know I need to move out in just about a month, my economic situation is tight, I smoke too much and I drink too heavily (although keeping it a weekend-thing) and I just don't get the **** done that I need to do.

So today, I got a little bit done, which is pretty satisfying after a long while of doing absolutely nothing productive except working out.

I'm a creature of habit and when I get **** done I actually don't think it's that bad and I get the satisfaction of knowing I'm doing what I'm supposed to, but in the times where I'm in a lazy period (post-holidays this time) I have a hard time until I realise that I CAN do the stuff I'm supposed to, and I feel like today's been the start, which is also why I'm gonna shut off my PC right after this message and read a bit before going to sleep.

Not really like this is particularly exciting from an outside perspective, but I sorta like to be able to look back, even if only a couple of days/weeks/months and see what my mindset was at this time and how it developed, because I get into these slumps occassionally and I never really know how to get out from them until I do it (as I feel like I'm moving towards at the moment). It's not beccause it took a particularly huge toll on my mood, it's just I know it would eventually if I don't create some sort of wake up call to get me back on track after basically doing jack **** for weeks despite having a lot of financial etc. problems I definitely have to see to.

I'll try to deal with it as well as I did here

I just realized that this is MY thread, I can do whatever I want.


Viggo can even talk about himself in third-person.


Also I'm tired of eating chicken every day all day.


Not working out for years is something I regret after beginning again, oh well.


And drugs aren't bad, they're misunderstood.


To elaborate complain about how ****ing impossible it is to find an appartment.


Rampaging through these ****ing articles, of which about 98% suck.


Useless webpages, it's starting to make me frustrated.


Maybe I should stop caring about whom I lived with and find some freaky dude in his 40s.


Possibly.

Alright no more Trump in here, at least not from me (is anyone even reading this crap)?

I did however find a quote from "The Brothers Karamazov" that kind of hit home wrt my current situation:

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”


Time to nut the **** up and get real (or at least realistic)! It's gonna be a tedious but necessary journey towards normativity.

Despite a joyful crowd and being tempted I've now managed 2 days in a row to just drink one beer when out despite sitting in bars for hours, before I go home at reasonable hours and read and go to sleep.
It may not sound like much, but it's pretty huge for me (it's not like I'm an alcoholic but I usually convinced myself pretty fast that I could go for "one" more).
I feel like things are starting to turn, although everything is more or less the same I'm getting **** done and I'm pulling myself together and I kinda focus on the stuff I need to be responsible for, like going home in time, going to sleep early, reading and trying to get a grasp on my expenses (which this week have plummeted) and my housing situation. I checked out an apartment today where I'd be living with 2 other people, very nice place and people, and extremely cheap as well, only problem is that I can live where I live now for another month for free and if I move right now I'll miss out on living here for free until I gotta go (as I already paid my rent). Luckily I'm optimistic, it seems like it isn't as big a struggle as I first thought, but unlike what I usually do a small optimism shall not be allowed to turn into laziness. I've realized that doing what I gotta do isn't necessarily excruciating, but nevertheless I have to stay focused and I gotta move forward without falling back into the same patterns.

I sound like a ****ing motivation blog, but what the hell, I am actually quite optimistic right now.


EDIT: I googled happy otters for reasons unknown and found this gif that makes this post a little bit less tedious for any potential readers:

That nice and relaxing feeling you get when you're in control of everything around you and things seem to fall into place and it's all good definitely sounds pleasant.

Luckily I can get my relaxation through alcohol if need be!

Welp Monday funday is around and I got plans and stuff and the weather is nice. Lecture is pretty standard, prof dropping N-bombs and repeating pussy due to stutter and lisp, it's pretty weird and everyone is struggling to hold it together.
Gonna check out an apartment tonight, it's so cheap that something HAS to be wrong with it, I mean it can't possibly be so cheap without everything being ****. But on the other side, it'd have to be really, really horribly ****ty for me to actually not take it over living with my current roommate, her extremely annoying dog and her family who own the house and pretty much rekk it every weekend because DIY, why the **** not?
I wanna live somewhere where I don't have to deal with ****ING ANNOYING **** ALL THE TIME, at least this kind of ****ing annoying ****.


I promised to tell you stuff about meta in the title, so just for starters:

I'm so meta even this acronym.

Apartment is signed and I can move tomorrow, finally there's a tad less stress so that's pretty great.


On a side note: the national cancer-forum is ****ing cancer, apparently my post about us looking for subjects got deleted despite someone from the same organization urging us to post in there

I guess cancer gonna cancer

Im glad you found a place. Good luck to you

Thanks man!

I can really feel the despair of living with my current roomie and her whole family being here all the ****ing time and changing the floor, breaking the attic and several walls and basically playing death metal on tools. And the dog, holy **** that dog, it hates me, unless for when it's suddenly really nice. Keeps me awake, wakes me up early, just today I had been home for approximately 5 seconds before it bit a hole in my new pants I've only worn ONCE.

It's definitely going to be amazing to get my own place where I can just kinda relax and where it doesn't feel like WW III is going on just outside my door

Day #4 without internet:

I feel like I'm living in the stone age, holy **** days are long, there's a lot of time to do ****, it's actually pretty amazing I somehow manage to do jack **** anyways.

It's also pretty silly how I'm bored because time moves so slow when I have no internet, but if I had it I'd merely use it on making time go faster.

I don't think it's a healthy sign that I just want time to pass, tbh, I think I need to reevaluate and get on top of my **** again, I'm doing better and things are looking up but there needs to be more content in my everyday life, I do think it will happen after easter, however, the studies are pressing on and I'll begin working harder.

xoxo happy easter

Day #6 without internet:

My mind is corroding and on top of that I've contracted the flu, life is miserable and there's an exam in 2 days, all I can do is beg for mercy

xoxo

Day #too many without internet:

I'm not really sure about how I should feel, everything is kinda like limbo. It's been close to 2 weeks without internet and I can really feel it, when I sit at home it feels like there's nothing to do really except read a bit and eat more than I should.

This exam I'm writing is going to be 20% effort, I think it'll suffice but I just can't motivate myself to do work when I'm just sitting around all the time doing nothing, the less I have to do, the more restless I get, even though I in theory could spend all the time on the exam. Oh well, it's simply passed/not passed and the focus is on the major project we're doing anyways.

"What is an explanation? "This is an explanation" is a metaexplanation, in the sense that it explains the answer to the question but also defines itself, as it's explaining an explanation in a simple sense".
I've written something down the lines of that, it's pretty sketchy and not really sure about a lot but I decided to just go full meta and old Greece etc etc on these mother****ers and hopefully just about pass it and then be able to relax a little

Birthday went out of hand, got so ****ing drunk and high and just completely gone, ended up throwing up in my trash bin and skipping a rather important family event because I simply could not get up (I was supposed to get up at 8 AM, I was home 7:50 AM) and I felt miserable and disconnected from the world and still sorta do. This always happens after a weekend when **** has gone down and I have a difficult time calibrating back to normal.

GL me with exams, you all my readers and xoxo

Exam going sorta alright, although I'm pretty sure most of what I've written is bull**** or just more or less repeating the chapter in our philosophy of science book. Luckily it's, afaict, a rather easy exam and merely passed/not passed so I feel confident, even though my analysis/discussion is only 2 pages whilst my initial explanation of theory and concepts and models is about 8, lol. Good thing I'm so good at writing then (it's true, mostly in Danish, though)

I got internet today and after a serious struggle I managed to make it work, life works again.

Can't wait to turn in exam and just be free, now I have internet, my own place, no noisy roomate's family. It's all mine, it's all available, it's GOOD

xoxo

good luck in the exam(s?) and look forward to your freedom!

xoxoox

Thank you friend!

So I turned in philosophy of science exam and got the answer for my Qualitative Research Methodology exam, which I failed.
I was shocked initially as I've always been able to ace **** even with little to no preparation, but fair is fair and I simply wasn't prepared and it caught me off guard. I read about 1/4 of the curriculum, scattered across texts and chapters, which is usually sufficient, but as this particular exam is a handwritten assignment in which I have to name a ****ton of things and explain them, and naturally I fell short here.
Of course it sucks that I have to go redo it (I have 2 more attempts, in reality I can get a better grade than people who got a B in first try, it's actually pretty silly (not for me rn, lol), some people fail on purpose so they can take the exam later so they have more time to study) but I guess it's good for me to get a wake up call. I find solace in the fact that I know I can easily pass it or even get a great grade if I focus, it's just unfortunate that the exam occurred at the time in February when I was smoking weed daily and drinking quite a lot and thus not being particularly great at remembering the random things I read and didn't understand. I'm always arrogant wrt studies because I've always aced it with ease, and I think a slap in my face like this is important for me to take my studies more seriously, at least when it counts. I will bounce back and it will be a good learning experience, I'm positive.


xoxo much love have a nice weekend

I wrote a poem in one of my exams because I knew it was better than trying and failing. They gave me a red mark instead of a fail in the box and I got two more attempts instead of one.

The poem was along the lines of I thought I could cram I thought I could wing it Oh what a fool I am in most definite need of a resit


goodluck in the resit and good on you for taking responsibility on the failure

Sorry for the late response!

Thanks a lot! Yeah, I think I got caught by surprise because it's usually a given that I'll do fine (lol), but I suppose it's healthy enough for me to do it, I mean, as long as I pass next time it won't even matter (I'll probably prepare myself well and even get a good grade).

Things are going sorta alright I feel, not a whole lot going on, but it's not like there should be. I'm in the process of writing a huge project with my group and it doesn't really take a lot of time most days so I have tons of time to do this and that, which is nice because I actually get a little bit done (alright, I mostly sit at my laptop, but I'm working out and eating somewhat healthy as well so there's that). And I'm reading! Only about 300 pages left before I'm done with "The Idiot", it's an amazing book, not a whole lot of action but an enchanting writing style. I suppose I'll start reading "The Brothers Karamazov" when I'm done (I haven't acquired Crime and Punishment yet, unfortunately), although I also have some litterature I need to be reading for my project, mostly existential psychology, next up is "Psychology and Existence" by Viktor Frankl which I'm hoping is as exiting as the other one I read on the same topic; I read "Staring At the Sun" by Yalom last week, incredibly intelligent and thoughtful fella. What surprised me the most was that he didn't seem like a stiff, conservative old professor despite having been head of psychiatry at Stanford for like 15 years? That's good style

Lots of and have a good weekend when it comes around!

After another rough week I've had a seriously hard Sunday. My anxiety has been bad the past week or 2, my head feels weird and I don't think I'm genuinely feeling too well. I know most of it is due to my Sunday-hangover-blues, but nevertheless I can't keep thinking I can just do whatever I want to and not give a rats ass.

I think I kinda "relapsed" a bit when I failed the exam, things were going sorta fine but it hit me a bit, I feel like I can deal with it, and it might be nothing but it's like I started falling back into some of the same old patterns as before, which sucks ass, because things were looking up. But I've thought a lot today, I've struggled and I feel like I am ready to once again try to get back on my feet. I want to start meditating, I want to eat healthier and most importantly just be responsible with bills and money - it makes me feel miserable that I can't manage my own life even when I kinda have it all set for me. If I were more responsible and motivated I don't doubt for a second I'd be on top of the world - and it beats me down that I just can't seem to live up to my potential. I always promise myself to go do this or that, then I never get it done, and then when I have some of my hangover-existential crisisses I get knocked completely down. There are so many things I should simply just get done - clean my apartment, avoid eating junkfood, cut back on cigarettes (at least so it's responsible economically), eat healthier and get my act together. Just the days I work out and cook my own dinner makes me feel a lot better about myself - it's really just the smalls things, if I can be responsible and deal with it I feel so much better about myself at the end of it.

I'm setting myself some goals for this week, and I'll try to make it manageable: I want to eat food I cook myself, not spending too much on buying stuff from the nearby sandwich bar. I need to check out some furniture for my apartment, I want a nice chair from a second hand store and just get on top of things. Furthermore there's a book I have to read by Wednesday in my study group, and I really don't want to disappoint them (but mostly myself, honestly) so I'll try to do my best there as well.

Just stepping up and making minor adjustments regarding financial problems, being responsible and staying healthier and keeping a healthier mindset by meditating a little bit, I want to build some healthy habits that can hopefully stay with me and help me monitor my life, and it's going to take an effort and knowing myself well I know I'm gonna disappoint myself, but I still gotta try and just keep on keeping on etc. I believe in me

Lots of love

Hola ebrolas

Things going decent, workout routine going fine and research project is progressing as well (which it should, we need to turn it in in 3 weeks). Am very tired, my ability to sleep seems to have been FUBAR, it's everything but normative.

Best friend + other best friend almost got murdered by a crazed psychopath yesterday and now he has to move because dude is involved with bikers and is apparently not to be ****ed with, it sucks severely and I feel bad for my friend, I'll never again complain about my neighbors I believe.

Summer is moving up and things are going OK actually, habits are still not particularly GOAT but they have improved and finansial situation ought to stabilize within a foreseeable future

Lots of Lååwe

The amount of scapegoats and things to blame for stuff going wrong when you live alone and you're the only one who has any responsibility for what you do is staggering.



I always wanted to meet someone important. Then I realized anyone who's in any way important wouldn't necessarily want to meet me, so I decided I was brainwashed and started doing drugs.



Also I fear I might be addicted to nothing.

Habits I need to get into:

Drinking less.

Drinking alone occasionally.

Is Drinking while blogging an option?

I've been quite busy for a while, project has been turned in and alcohol has been drinked as celebration. We also have an oral pretentation about the project next Wednesday, but it should be okay.

I think things are good, not the economic situation, but the weather is hot and I feel like I have energy for the first time in 2-3 weeks (due to project being turned in), yesterday I made the first proper dinner for who knows how long? A month? A great pizza, and tomorrow I'm gonna spend my time in the hot sun with friends and just relax. I assume it will be a great day!