The way the schizophrenia manifests itself is every time I walk into a store now if there is new music playing I think it's about me. Then I start thinking people are following me to every store to play me music. Whether or not this is a delusion doesn't matter. I don't want my brain going down those pathways so I'm trying not to listen to new music.

This is why I announce where I will be to see if any coincidences occur. They do

When I found out what bipolar was I said I know who else is bipolar. Then immediately forgave everyone. Including Mel gibson. I know now we have our moments.

I just realized how crazy that is. I'm trying to game out schizophrenia now. I think I need to build a studio.

I should look for rooms today. But there will always be a better applicant and these mother****ers are working everyone at the same time so I'm just spinning my wheels. Filling out questionnaires and ****.

I should have taken that loft in Malibu but i was afraid of being too far from the comedy ****. Instead I got 4 frivolous nights on sunset. It's good though. Remember what I'm hustling for.

I wanted to see what happens when you tell people you just met about you mental disorders. So i told the front desk at the hotel. Stunned silence. That's why I believe this might be a lost cause. How and when do you break this on a roommate. I Need to be fair to them even if i truly believe it won't come up in a short term sublet.

I love la but this place is the biggest distraction. I got offered blow and strip club action 3 times. After turning it down a third time even Jesus would wonder if he did the right thing. It did turn into a vacation...

At least now I can take advantage of the codependent relationship I didn't know I was in. I can build a studio and invest the rest and bang out new music. The problem with not being able to listen to new music you get way sick of the old ****. If I make the music I can listen to it.

I will enjoy the day and maybe fly back tonight or torture myself within last day of looking. I need a coffee before I decide.

I think in 2004 I paid 9 bucks for a bagel sandwich. I was outraged. I was taking the walking thing too serious and strained my knee climbing hills around sunset yesterday. Today can't walk to Starbucks and paid 9 dollars with tip for a cappacino. Worth every penny

These phones make **** posting super easy. Tom is right and I would have told him if I could figure out how to edit a post.

I checked back in for one more night. Officially a vacation. I have to enjoy life now. The stats are pretty grim for these disorders.

The great thing is every person I tell I'm 34. They tell me I look 20. The one good thing from only having weed as vice.

Part of the reason I checked back in was because space odessesy was on tcm. Sitting by this pool looking at the view might be the most therapeutic thing ever. Somehow it makes me believe there's light somewhere.

I have to develop a strategy to deal with new music. Its very crippling. I know the way they write songs it's suppose to be universal. I didn't think it would mess with me this bad after 3 years.

This vacation made me realize the caliber of woman I'm going to start chasing don't want fixer uppers. I need to be at fighting weight just to have the confidence to approach them.

I may have stayed one night too long. After messing up my knee I basically can barely walk.

This beautiful girl in the pool was giving me the most clear signal ever. I took too long to go down there and now she's gone forever. I'll never forget her because the stroke to my ego was worth the price of the room. That hot.

Last day by the pool. Thankfully my indecision moves fast and I still got free prime.

I don't think I'm cool enough to hit on women DJs. They're intimidatingly sexy. They can read your mind with music.

The reason this trip is perfect. Finding out I am bipolar, autistic and schizophrenic destroyed my psyche and self confidence. Sitting at the pool and people watching and getting checked out by la hot girls. It's slowly rebuilding my confidence. I can actually see myself dating again. That's worth more than a month in malibu.

I think the only place I could have got such an experience is at this hotel this week. I just needed to know I'm still in the game if I get a handle on this ****.

I chose to sit in the burbank airport for an hour instead of the pool. The heat is oppressive. It was 110 the other day and everyone just looked used to it.

This frivolous trip helped crystallize the idea that i need someone to share it with. None of this **** matters to me

I hope I can sustain the enthusiasm. Exercising and making music will take me a long way to being a person a good woman can love. I'm finally ready to be vulnerable and prioritize correctly. Oh ****!
Maybe there is hope. I only need to find one.

I can't wait to go back and read this. This could be me handling mental illness like a champion or just some more weeded up mania.

I keep thinking about her. I cant tell you how major that encounter with the beautiful blonde girl in the pool was. We only exchanged long stares and smiles but when she smiled at me I was like wow I got a shot. Then I started thinking about what I would have to do to keep a girl like that and everything started to click. I realized how far off I am and how if you want a relationship you have to prioritize it. This insight was worth every penny of the trip.

Then when I decided I was going to shower first before chasing her and I missed her. I was like your killer instinct and urgency are shot. I have a renewed sense of urgency. I might have missed my wife right there.

I had the Uber take me to the comedy store as soon as I landed to watch the open mic. The thing I learned is that some of the open mic guys had been practicing for years in SD before moving to LA. Thats when I realized I didnt pay any dues. I tried to look but my heart wasnt into it. I knew trying to pay west side rents to be a open mic dude is bad.

To those concerned that I said I was moving to LA and blew 1500 dollars in 5 days and bounced. Thank you for your concern. I appreciate it. My argument is at some point when it became a vacation I maxed out spending to 1 months rent. Because three weeks at my house and three weeks in a studio apartment in hollywood are basically the same in the long run. With the free upgrades the room averaged 200 a night. So its not as bad but I will take the knock that I shouldnt be staying at that hotel on my budget. My argument is autistic people are more prone to cancer so I gotta live it up a little.

I confirmed people are trying to play into my schizophrenia. They bitched out immediately when I glared at them. I saw him realize ****ing with crazy people because someone asked you to might not be so smart. When it happened I realized people think I am expecting something. Youre wrong.

All in all a great trip. Im not as crazy as I thought I was. They really are trying to **** with me but ill make sure they only play to a sad draw. I was losing my edge but that has been spotted and corrected. All thanks to one beautiful woman with a smile.

Between that heat and those hills I lost like 10 lbs in a week. I am seeing old cuts My knee will probably hurt for two more days but the spark it initiated is worth it. All I ate was like steak frites, croissants and pizza.

Now that I can eat smoothies and walk on actual trails instead of concrete Im going back to 175. Im not as happy because Im not fit and Im not producing music. I like looking and feeling good and I love making music. Just by doing those things will put me in a happier place which will make me more attractive to these high caliber women hiding in pools.

One of my uber drivers in LA was a music producer and he said he liked using logic pro to mix. Now Im all confused.

This is a learning experience story.

So I am in the lobby of the hotel waiting for the weed guy. This 18yo kid starts chatting me up. He hooks me by telling me he can get shrooms. I really felt like an 8th would help clear **** out. We go talk to the hook up he says at 11pm we can hook up the shrooms. Then all day he is using my phone while making promises of girls, booze and cocaine. By midnight everything fell through and we had actually only smoked my weed and I ****ed my knee up getting lost walking to 711 buying him a beer.

To add insult to injury while we were waiting around he tells me hes ready to die and immediately pretends he didnt say it. So now I have to spend the next hour trying to convince him to go see a therapist he gets for free because he used to be a foster kid. So on July 4th im explaining my lifes follies to this mother****er so he can use a free resource.

Then he tried to turn it around on me when I said you shouldnt be telling strangers you are ready to die. He said you shouldnt be telling people youre autistic. There is no way I was that bad as an 18 year old. THis type of **** happens to me more often than you think. People think I can save them. I cant even save myself.

I really wanted jmakin to look like the dude from house. I think Ive seen a picture of jmakin before in his blog or the lc and he had lighter hair or the room was dark. Was fun railing for howard.

Looks like were doing mothers in blogs today. Since I chose to spend more time in this asylum might as well go deep. This is suppose to be about mental illness not me missing hotties in LA.

The gist of my relationship with my mother is I get free rent in the bay area and shes a divorced immigrant who doesn't want to live alone in the hood. Our actual relationship is broken beyond repair. I dont even engage her anymore. She always tries and I just ignore her. Its really easy to ignore her because I basically have a 1 bedroom apartment with bathroom, walk in closet with a fridge and a balcony and shes gone 16 hours a day.

This is how crazy it is. If she even senses Im going to leave. Sees me shave. Start eating right. She throws a fit and starts crying and tells me how she doesnt have anyone.

At the same time she told me I was an accident. Of the countless crazy things shes said to me that one hurt the most. This is why I ignore her its just too broken. I dont engage at all anymore. Its so bad that she fakes injuries and just starts talking at me for attention. I know I need to get the **** out of here but look how I did in 5 days.

I know this relationship ****s me up with women in weird ways. Most likely trust issues. The worst thing I ever did to a woman. I ghosted a girl once when I was 20. She doesnt know this but the reason I ghosted her is because I started having feelings for her. Im sure a therapist would have a field day with that.

I am preparing to buy that keyboard and pc tower. I have hesitation. I think about moving anywhere else. Maybe montana for a few months. I am keenly aware this time around staying in this house is shackling myself to crazy. Everyone got mad at Quincy for that interview but what I got from it was he was smart enough to get away from his crazy mother early.

I was never going to talk about my mother because I felt it was unfair to her. She kinda got a raw deal and shes probably mentally ill. The scary thing was when I asked her about mental illness on her side of the family she got cagey. I was like oh ****.

Just writing yesterday was very therapeutic.

Im just gonna let the prime run out I think. This might be a 4 or 7 day decision. I have to use pro tools though. I bought stickers for my keyboard son. 8 bucks

Im even thinking about going back to LA when it cools the **** down. Im all over the place and I am having a hard time resting my knee. My body needs rest and I want to do ****. My weed is called grapefruit. I feel like I always get this weed in the summer. I remember smoking grapefruit in vegas.

It starting to read a bit manic. The clue to the start of mania is losing just a little bit of sleep. I am having trouble sleeping 7 hours. I need to to calm the **** down.

I will take the autistic digs all day because I have to be annoying. Plus its true, I missed out on 90% of the trim I had coming my way. This is the first time Im actually using fat guy tactics to dress though. All black and ****. I feel gross so there will be no hitting on women till Im skinny again. Im worried about my skin. I might have to only **** in wife beaters.

The casual racism doesnt bother me but its one of those things you dont want to be associated with. You also dont want to be a wet blanket. Tougher spot.

I just called the weed guy. Its officially out of hand. I used a coupon I had but this will be the last weed I smoke for awhile. Should curtail my posting dramatically. I dont want to be posting while Im trying to quit. Its good though I have the distinct feeling people are keeping a very close eye on me. I am throwing things into the matrix to see what comes back. These cant be coincidences. Messing with people is as good as playing with peoples schizophrenia.

Even though this place triggers my mania and schizophrenia...Where else am I going to find entertainment like this? El D. This place makes you think. Im about to start a twitter account. Countdown until meltdown t minus...

I think I need to stop trying to mess with people or test whether Im crazy. I know Im crazy. I think I might be scaring people now. I just feel like people are testing me and I resent that so Im being sketchy. Or I am just a manic schizo leveling himself. Fun times

Alright so my knee might really be ****ed up. God I hope not. I am really going to stay off it now. If you gain weight and your body is not used to handling it your knees and calves are the weak points.

I cant believe I almost let people ruin music for me. I listened to 15 seconds of a skrillex track and remembered how much fun making music is. I just gotta figure out where I wanna make music.

Its torture that this trip to LA inspired movement and my knee is making me rest. It makes you appreciate ****.

When you go on vacation and have some beers and smoke some weed its no biggie. When I do it someone writes a song about how I cant do anything unless im high.

On an unrelated note I had to buy more weed. My knee is mother****in clickin son. Monday is set for quitting. No excuses. The guilt trip worked its a great song. I am listening to new music. I just accepted that everyone likes using me as a muse. Good or bad. It was exhausting trying to figure out what I did to everyone that I thought was singing about me. So I just stopped caring.

Its monday. I still have an eighth of weed left. This is the hardest place to be in weed smoking. You want to quit but you keep extending a few days. This is the worst place to be because I am not buying weed at any price break. Im buying the min delivery which is a quarter ounce. I should be buying ounces or qps. I am getting nickel and dimed but I need to quit. I think its healthy to take breaks even if weed is actually doing incredible things for me socially and mentally.

My weed is called Gorilla Glue #4. It won the High Times Jamaican World Cup. This **** is fire. Colas too.

Tell me why I am thinking about going back to the Standard and checking in for a couple nights. I am going to do this one shorter and then maybe go to vegas. This is dependent on if I can get tickets to something at the store. I am trying to rest my knee but I can rest it by a pool...

I spent the day stopping myself from jumping on a flight to LA and going to the open mic again. I need one or two more days of rest. My knee is slowly feeling better. I was worried for a minute I might have actually done something. Somehow in LA i managed to **** up my knee, scratch up my feet and cut my thumb open.

I might fly in to LA tomorrow morning. The sushi place I wanted to try opens at 12:30. I got a taste for living again. I might even go play poker in vegas for a month. If I dont upgrade my room then I have to go sit by the pool.

You know what I should see a therapist for. I am avoiding calling my old friends because I don't want to find out there parents died. That has to be some avoidence or something.

I'm dumb as ****. The whole sunset strip is booked apparently. I got a ticket to the comedy show though.

What I like about blogging is one day I will get to read all my thoughts of my younger self.

I got an eighth of pineapple express for 45 with tax and dude gave me free tips for my joints. I walked into a spot instead of delivery. Much better ****. Still a little more expensive than the bay.

I think it's a good thing the hotels are booked. Hanging out on sunset is comfortable. The only problem is I came out here with a slight limp still. I was expecting leisure.

Comedy show was dope. Chris rock dropped in. Actually said some deep **** about marriage and divorce. It made me realize I might be scaring off potential mates getting into these pissing contests.

I ****ed up hard not booking a room. Two weeks ago was a fluke. Now I'm in lax charging my phone. There is an 85 dollar flight to Vegas at 9 am but my knee hurts so bad. There's a 5 am flight home. Super frivolous. My first thought was to blow the hotel money at the strip club. I'm not a strip club guy but I don't have room. Would that excuse work with anyone over 30?