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Old 03-28-2018, 02:29 PM   #1
HeretoApologize
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 8
So Im actually crazy...

I think my goal here is to just write about a few of my life experiences so its documented and maybe some stubborn young person reads this and goes "Ill go see the therapist, I dont want end up like this mother****er."

Basically at around 32-33 I figured out I was autistic, bipolar, and schizophrenic. Its been interesting. Its self diagnosed but Ive done enough crazy things to know that the only thing up for debate is whether the schizophrenia is stimulant induced. Thats hopeful thinking though. Being on the autism spectrum makes so many moments in my life make sense.

I know Im flakey as **** and I dont want to be. Trust me you don't want me jumping right back in. I still havent seen a therapist and Im not on mood stabilizers. Knowing is the most important thing though. These disorders really work together in funny ways. Some bipolar people including myself have trouble sleeping. Not getting enough sleep can make autistic behavior worse. Autistic thinking and a little schizophrenia and Im off to the races. Determined to figure out something that doesnt exist.



On a lighter note over the last year Ive been serious thinking about doing stand up. So Ive been just learning about the art and the business. I was actually going to move to LA in February and start the open mic circuit but this flu **** got me scared. Im gonna wait it out a bit.

Its almost too much freedom to write about whatever I want. Im excited that gravitational waves are like compression waves. I dont think there is any treasure in the money pit. I think there was and they came back and got it, thats why there were those 3 gold links.


This is Udummy but I don't have the password or email to my old account. There is also no way for you to know Im not a well versed imposter.
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Old 03-28-2018, 04:58 PM   #2
HeretoApologize
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

So the tragedy of my life is that I missed out on opportunities I created for myself due to mental disorders and bad advice.

When I was 15 I got a bootleg version of Fruity Loops which is a music sequencer program. My friend was also working security at Logitech and he gave me an amazing set of computer speakers and a sub woofer. It was basic but it was like a little studio. I loved it so much I messed with it everyday I was home for like 3 years. The Chronic 2001 came out when I was 16 and I was obsessed with those beats. My goal was to get as good as Dr. Dre at making beats. I think that's how you get good at things by setting impossible standards.

I was told music isn't a serious pursuit though so I wasn't committed. When I was 17 I helped my friend move into college. I ended up making friends with a bunch of people in his quad. Hanging out with college kids for two years really made me want to get my **** together. One of them was film major so I also started thinking I could write a screenplay. I had no passion I just thought I could hack it up for 200k. So I bought a screenwriting book and software. I went home got a job and enrolled in community college.

When I was 21 I fell into a deep depression. There was nothing wrong with my life at the time. I was working full time, full load at community college, money in the bank, great friends and I was partying on the weekends. It started out as me being tired and within 2 weeks I was suicidal.

I know now that this was the start of Bipolar which is environmentally triggered as well as genetic. If I had to guess what triggered it was lack of sleep and my baseline stress level was higher than usual because some of things I was doing.

At the time though I didn't know what was happening to me. My dad came and visited me and I wasn't telling people I was suicidal but he could tell something was wrong with me. Unprompted he said "If you're gonna kill yourself. Just do it." In his defense years later I asked him why he chose to say that and he said that my mother used to threaten him all the time with suicide. All that did was make me believe I had to "man" up and kept me away from a therapist.

How I got out from under the depression was I just reasoned with myself. If I was going to kill myself then my life is a wash. So I might as well just do whatever it is that I'm really passionate about. It doesn't matter if I succeed or fail because I was going to kill myself anyways. My only passion in life was music. So I committed.


I need to take a break for a couple hours. This is harder than I thought it would be.
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Old 03-28-2018, 09:31 PM   #3
HeretoApologize
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Join Date: Mar 2018
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

I was so naive that I really thought I conquered depression. I should have gone to a therapist right then even when I thought I was good. They would have told me that a depression in my early twenties can mean something worse than just depression and managing my stress is very important for my mental health.

So I reconnected with some of my friends. Got a job working construction with my best friend. Started spending my savings and all the money I was earning on building a real pre production studio. It was a great year. I was getting paid to exercise and smoke weed with my best friend. I was making music almost everyday with a real keyboard and drum machine. Call of Duty Modern Warfare had just come out so we'd stay up all night at my friends house wrecking fools. If you ever got hit by an RPG by a dude named Donkey Showman, that was me.

In the summer of 08 my dad feeling guilty I think, was going to kick me some money if I got an apartment. It being California I needed all the help I could get. I decided to move to San Diego on a whim. I had friends and connections there but I should have moved to LA. The reason I didn't move to LA is because I didn't think I was good enough yet. Probably one of the biggest mistake I made. Thinking I could move to SD and then move to LA later. I should have just moved to LA and I would have at least met another musical person.

I moved to San Diego in August of 08. I was only there 5 months and the first 4 months were my first manic episode. I didn't know that it was a manic event until 2016. It was the perfect storm, the excitement and stress of moving, a big change, and I broke my routine that was working for me. I didn't know this but the apartment complex I moved into was notorious for partying. People move there during the summer to hook up and do drugs. I'm not gonna lie it was ****ing blast.

I gotta go. To be continued.
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Old 03-30-2018, 04:27 PM   #4
HeretoApologize
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 8
Re: So Im actually crazy...

I didn't stand a chance in San Diego. I was probably manic before I even got there. I was so excited I skipped sleeping and just drove 7 hours straight from the Bay area. I should have known I was in trouble when I went to the front office of the apartment complex and all three of the women who worked there looked like models.

I tried to get a job, had a few interviews but it was the eve of the financial collapse. The distractions and temptations were insane. My next door neighbor was this gorgeous blonde girl who's goal it was, to feed me ecstasy and hook up. Id be in the mall parking lot and a car with three beautiful women would be cat calling me. Of course I'm going to walk over and end up spending time with one of them instead of looking for a job. I was manic and I didn't know so I was the most confident I've ever been plus I was spontaneous. I was also so fit from working construction. I was not used to the attention I was getting from women. There was no subtly to it.

It was a non stop party. The drugs and sex was so casual it was confusing. I met a couple at the pool and had great conversation with both of them. The guy had to leave and then the girl starts making passes at me. We were also by a hospital and I don't know what it is about nurses but they are down. I was helping a married woman in her mid 30's get things for a pool party. She's telling me about her great husband. Two hours later she's making out with some 19 year old dude at the pool. This place messed with my world view.

The mania was a problem because I wasn't making good financial decisions. I was always good with money before but messing up your financials is classic manic behavior. I was used to getting nice construction checks and I didn't correct my spending when they stopped. To this day I don't really know what I spent the money on. I went on some dates. I became friends with the guy who owned the liquor store so I know I was in there a lot.

I actually drove to LA a few times to hang out with friends. So I was buying gas. I left a CD of my music with one of them. The first two or three months of the San Diego mania were like heaven but eventually it started getting sideways.
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Old 04-04-2018, 04:51 PM   #5
HeretoApologize
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 8
Re: So Im actually crazy...

So basically we got too rowdy, even for the party complex. People started hatin. Also that lifestyle was unsustainable. Jan of 09 I'm back in the hood, working construction with a **** load of credit card debt. I'd never been in debt before so I was torturing myself over how I got myself into this situation. I didn't have the knowledge that I had a heavy assist from the mania. It would have taken me about a year to get out of debt. So I needed to put my head down and just work but the suicidal depression showed up again.

Depression makes simple tasks overwhelming. I couldn't bring myself to pay my phone bill. My dad got angry because he couldn't contact me. So he drove 100 miles at 4am to scream at me, threaten me with his will and tell me my life is over. Then he made a cabbage and bacon dish and left. It was such a performance I completely believed him. I remember thinking I wish someone would have warned me. It wasn't true. At worst I messed up my credit. I tried to hang on at my job but I left without notice or my last check for 6 weeks of work. From that point I was playing it like my life was over.

Meanwhile my music is resonating with the right people. I left two CDs but somehow it got to the top levels. It still baffles me. I attribute it to passion because I can't even read music. I'm positive there was a producer deal waiting for me. They couldn't find me though because I was trying not to be found. There is actually a few songs written about me. There is a progression to them. First they want to help but eventually it turns to disappointment. I don't blame them because at some point they can't understand why I'm not making moves. I truly believed my life was over and had no plans. I stopped making music because my studio equipment started breaking. The next thing I did was email scripts to Amazon because I still had screenwriting software and I was bored.

I know I shouldn't but I feel accomplished musically. Knowing those people wanted to help at some point really leaves me content. After processing everything my instinct is to challenge myself to some even harder things. I think that's why I'm on stand up because it just seems so difficult. It might be too ambitious. I'm sure someone wiser than me would tell me you should make more music. The problem is I don't have the equipment and I think might have burned every bridge in the music industry. That's why you go to the therapist. I didn't because I thought my life was over so going to the therapist seemed useless but I was wrong and it cost me a record deal.
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