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Old 03-28-2018, 02:29 PM   #1
HeretoApologize
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So Im actually crazy...

I think my goal here is to just write about a few of my life experiences so its documented and maybe some stubborn young person reads this and goes "Ill go see the therapist, I dont want end up like this mother****er."

Basically at around 32-33 I figured out I was autistic, bipolar, and schizophrenic. Its been interesting. Its self diagnosed but Ive done enough crazy things to know that the only thing up for debate is whether the schizophrenia is stimulant induced. Thats hopeful thinking though. Being on the autism spectrum makes so many moments in my life make sense.

I know Im flakey as **** and I dont want to be. Trust me you don't want me jumping right back in. I still havent seen a therapist and Im not on mood stabilizers. Knowing is the most important thing though. These disorders really work together in funny ways. Some bipolar people including myself have trouble sleeping. Not getting enough sleep can make autistic behavior worse. Autistic thinking and a little schizophrenia and Im off to the races. Determined to figure out something that doesnt exist.



On a lighter note over the last year Ive been serious thinking about doing stand up. So Ive been just learning about the art and the business. I was actually going to move to LA in February and start the open mic circuit but this flu **** got me scared. Im gonna wait it out a bit.

Its almost too much freedom to write about whatever I want. Im excited that gravitational waves are like compression waves. I dont think there is any treasure in the money pit. I think there was and they came back and got it, thats why there were those 3 gold links.


This is Udummy but I don't have the password or email to my old account. There is also no way for you to know Im not a well versed imposter.
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Old 03-28-2018, 04:58 PM   #2
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

So the tragedy of my life is that I missed out on opportunities I created for myself due to mental disorders and bad advice.

When I was 15 I got a bootleg version of Fruity Loops which is a music sequencer program. My friend was also working security at Logitech and he gave me an amazing set of computer speakers and a sub woofer. It was basic but it was like a little studio. I loved it so much I messed with it everyday I was home for like 3 years. The Chronic 2001 came out when I was 16 and I was obsessed with those beats. My goal was to get as good as Dr. Dre at making beats. I think that's how you get good at things by setting impossible standards.

I was told music isn't a serious pursuit though so I wasn't committed. When I was 17 I helped my friend move into college. I ended up making friends with a bunch of people in his quad. Hanging out with college kids for two years really made me want to get my **** together. One of them was film major so I also started thinking I could write a screenplay. I had no passion I just thought I could hack it up for 200k. So I bought a screenwriting book and software. I went home got a job and enrolled in community college.

When I was 21 I fell into a deep depression. There was nothing wrong with my life at the time. I was working full time, full load at community college, money in the bank, great friends and I was partying on the weekends. It started out as me being tired and within 2 weeks I was suicidal.

I know now that this was the start of Bipolar which is environmentally triggered as well as genetic. If I had to guess what triggered it was lack of sleep and my baseline stress level was higher than usual because some of things I was doing.

At the time though I didn't know what was happening to me. My dad came and visited me and I wasn't telling people I was suicidal but he could tell something was wrong with me. Unprompted he said "If you're gonna kill yourself. Just do it." In his defense years later I asked him why he chose to say that and he said that my mother used to threaten him all the time with suicide. All that did was make me believe I had to "man" up and kept me away from a therapist.

How I got out from under the depression was I just reasoned with myself. If I was going to kill myself then my life is a wash. So I might as well just do whatever it is that I'm really passionate about. It doesn't matter if I succeed or fail because I was going to kill myself anyways. My only passion in life was music. So I committed.


I need to take a break for a couple hours. This is harder than I thought it would be.
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Old 03-28-2018, 09:31 PM   #3
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

I was so naive that I really thought I conquered depression. I should have gone to a therapist right then even when I thought I was good. They would have told me that a depression in my early twenties can mean something worse than just depression and managing my stress is very important for my mental health.

So I reconnected with some of my friends. Got a job working construction with my best friend. Started spending my savings and all the money I was earning on building a real pre production studio. It was a great year. I was getting paid to exercise and smoke weed with my best friend. I was making music almost everyday with a real keyboard and drum machine. Call of Duty Modern Warfare had just come out so we'd stay up all night at my friends house wrecking fools. If you ever got hit by an RPG by a dude named Donkey Showman, that was me.

In the summer of 08 my dad feeling guilty I think, was going to kick me some money if I got an apartment. It being California I needed all the help I could get. I decided to move to San Diego on a whim. I had friends and connections there but I should have moved to LA. The reason I didn't move to LA is because I didn't think I was good enough yet. Probably one of the biggest mistake I made. Thinking I could move to SD and then move to LA later. I should have just moved to LA and I would have at least met another musical person.

I moved to San Diego in August of 08. I was only there 5 months and the first 4 months were my first manic episode. I didn't know that it was a manic event until 2016. It was the perfect storm, the excitement and stress of moving, a big change, and I broke my routine that was working for me. I didn't know this but the apartment complex I moved into was notorious for partying. People move there during the summer to hook up and do drugs. I'm not gonna lie it was ****ing blast.

I gotta go. To be continued.
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Old 03-30-2018, 04:27 PM   #4
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

I didn't stand a chance in San Diego. I was probably manic before I even got there. I was so excited I skipped sleeping and just drove 7 hours straight from the Bay area. I should have known I was in trouble when I went to the front office of the apartment complex and all three of the women who worked there looked like models.

I tried to get a job, had a few interviews but it was the eve of the financial collapse. The distractions and temptations were insane. My next door neighbor was this gorgeous blonde girl who's goal it was, to feed me ecstasy and hook up. Id be in the mall parking lot and a car with three beautiful women would be cat calling me. Of course I'm going to walk over and end up spending time with one of them instead of looking for a job. I was manic and I didn't know so I was the most confident I've ever been plus I was spontaneous. I was also so fit from working construction. I was not used to the attention I was getting from women. There was no subtly to it.

It was a non stop party. The drugs and sex was so casual it was confusing. I met a couple at the pool and had great conversation with both of them. The guy had to leave and then the girl starts making passes at me. We were also by a hospital and I don't know what it is about nurses but they are down. I was helping a married woman in her mid 30's get things for a pool party. She's telling me about her great husband. Two hours later she's making out with some 19 year old dude at the pool. This place messed with my world view.

The mania was a problem because I wasn't making good financial decisions. I was always good with money before but messing up your financials is classic manic behavior. I was used to getting nice construction checks and I didn't correct my spending when they stopped. To this day I don't really know what I spent the money on. I went on some dates. I became friends with the guy who owned the liquor store so I know I was in there a lot.

I actually drove to LA a few times to hang out with friends. So I was buying gas. I left a CD of my music with one of them. The first two or three months of the San Diego mania were like heaven but eventually it started getting sideways.
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Old 04-04-2018, 04:51 PM   #5
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

So basically we got too rowdy, even for the party complex. People started hatin. Also that lifestyle was unsustainable. Jan of 09 I'm back in the hood, working construction with a **** load of credit card debt. I'd never been in debt before so I was torturing myself over how I got myself into this situation. I didn't have the knowledge that I had a heavy assist from the mania. It would have taken me about a year to get out of debt. So I needed to put my head down and just work but the suicidal depression showed up again.

Depression makes simple tasks overwhelming. I couldn't bring myself to pay my phone bill. My dad got angry because he couldn't contact me. So he drove 100 miles at 4am to scream at me, threaten me with his will and tell me my life is over. Then he made a cabbage and bacon dish and left. It was such a performance I completely believed him. I remember thinking I wish someone would have warned me. It wasn't true. At worst I messed up my credit. I tried to hang on at my job but I left without notice or my last check for 6 weeks of work. From that point I was playing it like my life was over.

Meanwhile my music is resonating with the right people. I left two CDs but somehow it got to the top levels. It still baffles me. I attribute it to passion because I can't even read music. I'm positive there was a producer deal waiting for me. They couldn't find me though because I was trying not to be found. There is actually a few songs written about me. There is a progression to them. First they want to help but eventually it turns to disappointment. I don't blame them because at some point they can't understand why I'm not making moves. I truly believed my life was over and had no plans. I stopped making music because my studio equipment started breaking. The next thing I did was email scripts to Amazon because I still had screenwriting software and I was bored.

I know I shouldn't but I feel accomplished musically. Knowing those people wanted to help at some point really leaves me content. After processing everything my instinct is to challenge myself to some even harder things. I think that's why I'm on stand up because it just seems so difficult. It might be too ambitious. I'm sure someone wiser than me would tell me you should make more music. The problem is I don't have the equipment and I think might have burned every bridge in the music industry. That's why you go to the therapist. I didn't because I thought my life was over so going to the therapist seemed useless but I was wrong and it cost me a record deal.
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Old 06-23-2018, 06:17 PM   #6
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

After I found out facebook was keeping a shadow profile on me and that google took dont be evil off their masthead I said I was never going to type another word into the internet again. Little over two months here I am.

So I cant be sure I wasn't manic when I started this blog. I had set June for moving just because it was the start of summer so folks would be moving. I had a health scare though that lasted like a month and then just went away. At some point though I thought this could be it so I broke down and bought some weed for the first time in 3 years. Weed is kinda of a mood stabilizer if you think about it.

I messed up and started looking at studio equipment. I found out the cost of making music came down like crazy. It really put me in a tough spot. I can either build a studio or move to LA and mess with comedy. This is how torn I am. I ordered and cancelled a keyboard twice now. I know if I order that keyboard I am not going to LA.

If I go to LA I am going to just comedy because Im only paying those rents to be near all those open mics. I am mostly doing comedy for the adventure of it and just to be around people. I love music more than anything but if I spend the next two years alone making music I think I will be too far gone sanity wise. Knowing this Im still excited at the prospect of making music. The studio would not have bells and whistles but its still beats son.

The thing is I know Im not going on the road and I dont want to be famous. Which shouldnt be a problem but you have to do some self promotion. Just getting good in LA would be a really fun time though. I feel like comfort is killing me and building a studio is comfortable but also probably fufilliing my highest potential. Thats what I have been stuck on. Its hard to be a confident schizophrenic. Thats how you end up on Unsolved Mysteries talkin about aliens. I got free prime membership until the 14th so at least I have a clock on it. I think about the sounds people have now with the explosion of EDM and I really want to make music.

I pick the worst screennames. That last manic event did such a number on me, I thought I was so out of line they werent even going to let me apologize.
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Old 06-25-2018, 01:50 PM   #7
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Alright so two days gone by no progress. I have two or three days of weed left which better force a decision. I will consider it a ***** move if I buy more weed. I also want to write everyday until I run out of weed so **** posts incoming.

I get caught up by the small logistical issues of moving and what to disclose. Then I try to convince myself to look at it as only a vacation to not get overwhelmed. Then I start thinking about renting a loft in Malibu from a lesbian couple who say they are pretty fun.

I have become more open to lithium. I listened to music with really good headphones for an hour and I could feel the bipolar rapidly cycling. The side effects can be especially brutal to piano players with the arm stiffness though.

I only had one schizophrenic event but all you need is the doubt. Had I known I would have not smoked weed so heavily in my late teens. I still love weed though. I honestly believe weed is what helped me connect to people as autistic kid. Nobody knows you are off when everyone is high.
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Old 06-27-2018, 02:54 AM   #8
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

Im gonna go **** around in LA.

This is how bizarre this **** is. Yesterday afternoon I decided I was going to LA and I was riding a bit high. Doing laundry and packing a bag and twice I got the sudden urge to kill myself. Like I knew it would pass but cmon.

I smoking the rest of my weed and booking a flight.
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Old 06-28-2018, 02:58 PM   #9
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

Im trying to hard to smoke up my weed. Im not even enjoying it. There are plenty of flights. I will be there no later then Saturday.

Im in the worst shape of my life but I think its a good thing. I think Im just going to spend my first month just walking around. I bet I could lose easy 15 lbs.
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Old 06-30-2018, 12:41 PM   #10
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I underestimated the amount of **** I had to do. Now I gotta run to find out whether my phone or sim card are broke. Why cant **** just work. I still think I can make a plane today but I forgot last flight goes out at 630 on Saturday. I might have to push it until tomorrow morning. Which is probably better for running around looking for an apartment anyhow and I can enjoy a nice ass saturday son.
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Old 06-30-2018, 04:46 PM   #11
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

They really tried to ruin my day over here. Through magic corporate thievery I had to return two phones and eat 40 bucks. The genius of these mother****ers is they know I wont lose my **** at some minimum wage worker over 40 bucks.
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Old 06-30-2018, 06:09 PM   #12
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They ping ponged me between two companies and the 40 just got lost in translation. It was beautiful. I felt it coming. I have to go smoke weed in my bathroom and listen to music. Try not to let this **** tailspin me. I might have to buy an extra eighth...

I hope Amazon puts all you mother****ers out of business. I dont mean it but god damnit. I lost so much time.
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Old 07-01-2018, 02:54 PM   #13
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

Finally got this **** sorted. The problem is I had to buy more weed yesterday but I couldn't just order an eighth of gs13 because the min delivery is 50 so I had to get an eighth of grapefruit. Now I have to smoke this ****. My hands are tied. Im leaving tonight or tomorrow. Last flight gets into LAX at 11:25 tonight. I could just spend all night at the bars but I feel like that is **** I would do in my 20s. I should sleep and fly in monday. Im getting stir crazy though so responsibility be damned.
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Old 07-02-2018, 12:16 PM   #14
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I was about to leave the house to catch the 11:40. Now I cant find my Tom Ford sunglasses and Im losing my ****. I had a tight window and the next flight puts me in LA around rush hour. Which means flying in late night or tomorrow again....
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Old 07-02-2018, 12:56 PM   #15
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

I got lucky. Thank god my friend is a rock star and she knows I can be a space cadet. Years ago my friends mom worked at barneys and got me a discount on gucci sunglasses that I promptly left in a Texas roadhouse when I arrived at sunset and left at night. I said no more expensive sunglasses ever again. Almost the exact situation played out but with more expensive sunglasses.

At least now I dont give a **** about when I fly in. Ill gladly sit in rush hour or just fly in late like a gentleman and party all night.
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Old 07-03-2018, 01:55 AM   #16
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Just watched the open mic at the store. They really are a community. I got room at the standard instead of trying rage all night. I really am in my 30s. 2pm late checkout ftw

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Old 07-03-2018, 10:08 AM   #17
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It's very nostalgic being here. I have to fight the urge to sit by the pool and eat fries all day. I need to find a room to rent then walking. Just walking around a lot this last week getting ready changed my posture and trimmed lbs. Seeing comedy live for the first time it actually became less intimidating. Watching people try new ****, bomb and adjust is very motivating.

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Old 07-03-2018, 06:56 PM   #18
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I replied to 6 or 7 ads and I'm still waiting for a reply. Even the shared room stuff. God damn hippies

I gotta be very careful out here. I am weak prey for a good woman. Even in the state I'm in a couple girls looked at me like i can fix you. Only now I'm open to letting them try.

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Old 07-03-2018, 10:40 PM   #19
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

I think I'm doing something wrong if I can't get a reply to a shared room spot. Being slightly autistic I'm not going to dwell on it. I allocated 500 bucks to slush for generously tipping service workers and luxuries such as hotel rooms but a second night destroys that.

The women are less of a distraction and trigger. At this age I know everything is more serious. I need calm structure not crazy hook ups. I know what these stares lead to. I don't have the time to waste either. A therapist would say I'm attracted to women who are bad for me. I'm encouragable.

I'll try again tomorrow but I finally understand why bill said become a monster in a small town. You want to get to la killin. 5 mins a month is plenty if you're working your punchlines.

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Old 07-04-2018, 01:03 AM   #20
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

duuuude. Switch off the signature from your phone, please. It is crap annoying.
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Old 07-04-2018, 01:20 AM   #21
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Lol I wasn't going to post anywhere else till I figured that **** out. I forgot people read this.

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Old 07-04-2018, 03:29 AM   #22
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I didnt know it was the fourth of July. No one is going to show me ****. This is type of **** the name space cadet comes from. I'm about to turn this into a vacation.
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Old 07-04-2018, 10:49 AM   #23
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

Two nights in la. Only one drink and up early. Growth

The housing scammers have great back stories. This guy was an emergency navy nurse in alaska.

I found out it was the fourth when one of these artist collectives wanted to schedule something on the fifth. It sounds dope. They said they had a studio i think. I'm getting self conscious about being autistic though. The main thing I see is I'm way less outgoing now. I don't know how I'm coming off so best not to engage.

I need to fix that or I don't need to be here. This is good trip because before this trip I didn't want anything. Then I saw these parents playing with their kids at the pool. They were having fun. When I realized I don't get to have that I was like hold on I might want that.

I think getting rejected from the artist collective would hurt more than going home and building a studio. I could still get the sense of community at the local open mic.

The only thing that bothers me about this whole music fiasco is they don't have my best ****. Beat jacking was a thing in 2008. I need to put out one more "album" because it really bothers me the only music that represents me has mostly stuff I was messing around with. I was trying to make hip hop beats with harps and ****.

I gotta weigh my options here. I got until 2pm to decide though so I got plenty of time. One factor I paid 45 dollars for a 25 dollar eighth. After that last manic episode I said no more nothing but the weed got me to la and exercising again so I can't discount that.
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Old 07-04-2018, 12:39 PM   #24
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Re: So Im actually crazy...

Quote:
Originally Posted by HeretoApologize View Post
I'm getting self conscious about being autistic though. The main thing I see is I'm way less outgoing now. I don't know how I'm coming off so best not to engage.



.
Engage! And if you are not sure ask. Try to communicate as clearly as possible on the verbal level. Communicate to others that you don't get a lot of stuff.

I mean.... there are many many many many tricks to deal with life when you are on the autistic spectrum. Use them. Half of 2+2 does.
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Old 07-04-2018, 04:35 PM   #25
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I'm great at communicating. I prioritized hanging out with friends over school since I was 14. My brain is kicking things it thinks are useless like holidays too easily.

I think there's still trauma from 3 years ago. It's the doubting what's real. It's why I won't listen to music after 2009 now. I might have to see a therapist. I have gone as far as the internet can take me on mental health.
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