I'm reading Stephen King's book on writing. Reading a lot of books recently and I will start writing myself what about, don't know but what I do know is I need real life experiences and to get out of my comfort zone.

Face your fears.. indeedy

And, Robin, the meaning of life is to live it. You aint alone. Misery and difficulty and occasional despair ain't unique to you. Tough it out.. All the hard times suffered are worth the often harder to find precious moments to cherish. I'm rootin' for ya.

I dig the meditation interrupted by passing thoughts. I experience that too of course.. when I'd love to be thought free, which I understand to be the goal, and it would be bliss : )

<3 Schiltz and <3 this thread.

Cool thread.

I have the yearning to play poker again. I acknowledge that I have these feelings and that they will pass. I accept that I'm not good enough to play poker and understand that I don't have the funds to play. I remember all the boring nights of folding hand after hand, I remember all the bad beats. I do not wish to play.

Other than I have nothing to new to report really. I spent today after work 40 minutes mediating in my room. You could say I live a boring life and you would be right. I have come to understanding that I have nothing to offer the world, I just observe the happening that goes on around me. I am neither in control of it nor influence it, it just happens. Do you ever watch paint dry, do you ever observe paint dry? If you haven't I suggest you watch it then you will get a better understanding of my life. I'm not very good at anything. I take orders at work and jump to it. Sometimes I think why do I bother writing anything in my blog no one knows me here, no one cares not that if they did would make a difference. Its that whole thing again, what the bloody hell is the point? All I do is watch and complain.

I have already got rid of TV, stopped playing poker, I think the next step for me is to get rid of internet as well (I can hear everyone on 2+2 cheering now) so I can increase my mediation routine, the internet has become a distraction for me and to be honest not healthy. Anyway sorry for posting.

If I can't seem to get my motorbike to crank, I complain.
I don't know how I'm gonna clean this little stain, I complain.
I wonder what to take for my aching head, I complain.

Never heard that song before.

I constantly think about suicide, I know I should stop that but I can't help it. When I keep telling myself to be positive and to chant the mantra "I love life, I love what I'm doing" but the real feeling is not there it actually reinforces the fact I don't love life or what I'm doing because if I really did I wouldn't need to say it over and over to myself that I do, as if I could trick my brain chemistry to produce "happy" feelings.

I've come to the understanding that I'm not as smart as I once thought I was. In fact there is a vast world of information that I do not understand. I have a hard time learning new things, it takes me twice as long learning simple new things compared to others, meaning I get left behind to struggle if I don't lose interest before that.

I buy books I tend to read and I hope I do read them, but reading gets boring after the 5th book and I feel like action needs to be taken. So I try meditation I don't know if you guys have ever done meditation before but it is the opposite of action it is non-doing.

I get it and like it for the first 5mins I watch my thoughts come and go like traffic on the road, I accept them, I acknowledge them and drop them.

I used to bite my nails but through mindfulness I have stopped biting my nails. So I hope to keep it up.

Life is a transaction, you give, you take. You can't have buying without selling. But what happens when you have nothing to give and you don't want anything either?

Maybe that's not true, the truth is I don't know what I want with the possibility that there is nothing I want. Bodhidharma said vast emptiness nothing holy. I know what I don't want. I don't want to be chasing material goods or wealth, I don't want the latest phone or a flash car.

So what makes me happy, if not material goods then what about my actions? what about my day-to-day life? well what is there about me? When hungry eat, when tired sleep. And to that the end of life because there is nothing beyond that, vast emptiness, nothing holy. Nothing to hold on to, nothing to cling to, nothing to be gained.

Everything is changing nothing stays the same. And life is just a happening that I witness unfolding from the great void.

Did you think chanting "I love life, I love what I'm doing" was going to help anything? Was anyone seriously suggesting you do that? I mean at least start with "I don't need to kill myself today" or something like that before you try to talk yourself into loving life. Pretty sure you didn't expect it to help in the first place though, and it was just another dumb idea to cross off the list and maybe laugh about it later.

Oh and you keep writing "mediation" and "mediating". You mean meditation right?

Yes I do. Sorry I should spell check those things first.

And yes I was told to repeat those affirmations he said it worked for him so over the last few days I've been concentrating on "I love what I'm doing" and "I love life" trying to get the feeling that way but nothing yet.

lol Tubetard can't help it. The brain chemistry thing is mysterious to me, even though I've dealt with it(it being a likely chemical imbalance or possibly just full-blown, acute anxiety, hyper self-consciousness, social phobia) my entire adult life for the past 24 years approximately. I remember it like a light switch being hit. One day at age 18, I was carefree, dating a beautiful girl, happy, the next I was burdened. I remember being in the kitchen of either my apartment or that of a friend. An acquaintance of mine said to himself, I don't really think he intended to say what he said to me, so much, but probably, unintentionally he said it loud enough for me to hear, "I need to snap-out of this." I knew instantaneously what he meant, and ever since have suffered from whatever this is, sometimes severely, sometimes less severely. I ain't ever gonna give up though. This video is interesting. I'll try to find another video wherein Steve recounts his depression. He words it differently, and it's very impactful though somewhat similar

My malady(Aiott lol malady) would find me standing in my brother's front yard, talking to my bro.. and I see a car approaching from up the street. My concern was not the conversation I was having with my brother, what he was saying, etc.. I was concerned about my posture and body language and how that was being read by this motorist. Talk about misery, but like I said before, the sparse moments of joy and real, genuine connections made, however fleeting.. could be with a total stranger with whom you share a vibe of positivity.. It is worth the turmoil and suffering.

8:24 is the segment I was referring to in previous post.

Not that the change he talks about is at all easy, but gotta try to stay positive fo sho lol

If you did commit suicide, what would you lose? In your opinion, would you lose minor points of joy that you attain via meditation, poker, sex, etc?

I am very interested in your answer.

ps I watched Coraline again tonight and it was awesome. I highly recommend it.

I wouldn't lose anything. In buddhism there is nothing to be attained, or gained, or achieved. Nothing to cling to, grasp or hold on to.

I wouldn't miss anything.

A few months back I was so depressed I crawled into a fetal position on my bedroom floor and drew a smiley face on a blank sheet of paper and proceeded to sob profusely. I am tearing up now as I type this yet I definitely know I am in a much better place now. It's mostly, if not entirely, because I am a "highly sensitive person" with a highly strung, albeit congenital and permanent, nervous system. eta: and childhood sexual trauma.

I truly hope your tortured spirit finds its wings sooner than later.

Be well (sorry for the platitude).

platitudes are us os.

I've never felt so good about myself and OP.

Hi, Robin!

Edit: You'd lose your certain, eventual state of enlightenment. Much to lose IMO.

I can't remember the last time I was truly happy without forcing a smile. I was picking up my brother from poker and I watched these 4 guys play poker slot machines they seemed to enjoy goating each other about how bad they play poker slot machines (I never knew there was skill to them) I chuckled at that I guess. Thinking, fast and slow is the current book that I take with me, coffee shops, work, whatever. Reading seems to be something of recent that I doing more of not sure if I really like it but its better compared to watching tv or sleeping.

I have weird feelings at times, feelings that lead to thoughts of me wanting to be a woman. I feel they have more fun being a beta male like me is really tough. I think it comes from the fact that I'm inadequate as man. A lot of the time I get unnoticed even when I do everything I am supposed to do as law abiding nobody, a person who pay taxes and has a steady job who never gets into trouble I guess I'm not entitled to anything which makes me think whats the point in continuing to live, to go on with life, to do what exactly? That's the problem when I break it down, I work so I can live, makes sense so far. I live to work...but I don't like working even when I know I need to work to live...but I only live to work...so life itself is not worth the candle, it's a game which is demoralising.

Well you might say life is just to live. Okay fair enough but inevitably it gets boring because you must do something or at least have the sensation of wanting to do something. Here again is my problem, I can go months not doing anything (just working) but there comes a point where this is boring and I must do something else outside of work. But what that thing is I have no idea but that yearning feeling is there, it screams from every part of my body "I MUST DO SOMETHING". I have no skills and have a hard time learning new things and if I feel the effort to learn a new skill is not worth the payoff I won't to do it.

Take for example going to night classes I hated every second of it. Found it really boring it was business studies. Learning things I'm not interested in nor will I have use in real life was a complete waste of time. Unnecessary effort. Ultimately I have no idea what it is that I want to do with life and the problem can not be solved with thought only action. But thought is needed before action right?

When I was dating girls I went with this woman and she found my stash of cross dressing attire, size 9 red high heels, blonde wig, low cut dresses, underwear she was upset to say the least. One night we had a house party when I went to bed early she and her lover (she was cheating on me at the time, I had the feeling she was) burst into the bedroom hand-in-hand he pretty much kicks me out of bed, we didn't fight or anything just had a real good talk and he even drunk some of my beer. After the talk he stayed over, in our bed...I slept in the spare bedroom. I think I was really turned on that night. That's my fetish I love to be humiliated but I also know it's not healthy. I have never been good at sex because....well....what I can I say I wasn't blessed by God in that department, it's wwwaaayyyy below average. It don't make me feel like a stud in the bedroom. Don't get me wrong, I'm good at oral and with my hands to make up for it, but I don't feel like a real man which is a turn-off for me and because of that I don't like sex. So I can see from her point of view that she wasn't get her fill literally, her needs where not met. I don't blame her after she found my stash.

Firstly, I miss the old avatar. I get the point you're trying to make, but the old one was awesome.

You have more allies and fans than you think due to your postings like this. Life is a grind man. I know, it's brutal. That's why I often sympathize and try to find meaning in your posts that say "what's the point? work to live, live to work, no point, killing myself". It's rough. I think everyone just hopes for a better future.

The post about night classes really resonated with me. I have a difficult bachelor's degree yet I am constantly encouraged to pursue an MBA. I feel like I am being encouraged to pursue the degree because my bosses feel like they are obligated to encourage me to. I use less than 5% of what I learned in school in my day to day job. There is no way I could sit through the horror of a 6-9pm class 3 days a week and pretend to GIVE A **** about what they are spewing when I know it will be of little to no value. I guess my tolerance to bs is decreasing exponentially now that I am making big boy money.

What will make you feel joy in life? The simplistic answer is to do something you like. You really seemed to like that ladyboy show you went to a few months ago. If you want to go blow off a few hundred pounds a month playing poker, go for it. If you want to be a woman, go for it. Your insecurity seems to be in your lack of implied manliness. Maybe you really need to be a woman, or maybe you just need to ****ing hit the gym and find a girl with a tight pussy. That's up to you - what matters is what you really want. There is no need to feel like you need to be homosexual just because you feel you dont measure up as a man. However, if you innately feel like you'd be happier living as a woman, then go for it. You can't fake something on that level.

Thanks for updating, yours is one of my favorite threads on 2+2.

lol I like both the new and old avis hahah

I am a huge fan of Alan Watts as well.

A couple things to consider: Watts was incredibly sincere in his Zen talks, which I find to be genius, but he also delighted in novelty.

He was a huge womanizer and liked to get drunk, just for the novelty. But that's okay, because you can be a devout Buddhist philosopher and still do these things, and STILL be considered a Buddhist philosopher.

I think that is what you are missing: the NOVELTY this world has to offer.




Why can you embrace novelty and money and the physicality of the world and still be a devout little Buddhist? Because . . .


Everything is relative. Every single ****ing thing. And the universe, for the most part, is an entangled form of thought that runs on an algorithm like structure which spits out two things: 1) Novelty and 2) entropy/regression. It spits these out in many forms: genes, the free market, innovation, mental moods, ect ect ect.

I do mean all this literally. The good thing is the universe REWARDS novelty. Or at least it rewards you when you sincerely express novelty in whatever form of self you have purposefully constructed and are confident in.

Examples of embracing the world as is:


I have a friend who graduated a few years ago from an ivy league school with a PhD in physics. 31 years old at the time, brilliant mind -- he's about 10 years older than I am but we became friends. But guess what, the free market didn't really need his skills.

His 1st job after the PhD? He managed a car rental franchise (its a big brand, but still, this was his very first job after a physics PhD (theoretical and not material/industrial, which he says was "my fault" and doesn't blame anyone for but himself).

I haven't talked to him in any manner in years, hopefully he is doing physics related work by now, but he had no problem with his 1st job -- he's a sociable guy, high wit with the ladies, not an aspy woe-is-me introvert, and he lives by Zen philosophy -- and he treated that job with grace and hilarity. He said he mastered what he wanted to and he was complete, so he already won the game of life.

Maybe when CERN starts up again he will be a part of it, who knows. His only other option at the time was to teach, but he hates teaching, mostly because he would rather create/research on his own and doesn't want to perpetuate skills that smart people will be attracted to but have little market value.



In Boston I became friends with a guy with a PhD in neuroscience (we were both Arsenal fans sitting at a bar watching football) and his first job after was as a programmer, which he was self taught in and equally skilled at, mostly because it was very valuable to his degree and desired profession. Paid extremely well, but it was just programming and had zilch to do with his true passion; figuring out in grave detail how the mind works and regulates and distributes information. Why did he have to take this job as a programmer though which limits his full potential?

Because figuring out how the mind works in the most objective manner has very little market value in the grand scheme of things -- it's excess and a luxury of knowledge. One day it won't be the case, but society hasn't evolved enough yet where basic resources are so efficiently managed we can explore higher pursuits without worry.

The point is both these people rolled with it. They embraced the relativity of the physical world.

You can have 9 PhDs in science and philosophy and when you are flat broke and walk into the store to buy milk for $4, you won't be able to. $4 would infinitely trump your 9 PhDs. Adjusting to this principle isn't as hard or depressing as you are making it.