Not sure how to get that into my life.

stop thinking and start feeling
too much thinking atrophies the mind
you didnt come in this world to do certain things in a certain amount of time
you came here to feel,so just do it
feel even your worst experience
also,save some money and travel

I really have no desire to travel.

I'm bored out of my head.

boy,nothing can inspire you or cheer you up?
you need to fix you chemical unbalance
why dont you give antidepressants a go?

I will give them another go. The doctor is sorting me out. The ones he give last time didn't work.

Robin what is your new avatar?

its from a cartoon called "The Big Snit"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=90SIuISIVB8

This is all really boring. I find it hard to fathom why people go on. I look at these people when I'm out and about and I must say that all look dreary, fake, empty souls with no clue. They rush around pushing paper from one desk to another in hopes to get green paper that people value. And that's the height of their environment. In an never ending quest to gather up as much paper as possible. The hoops that these people jump through, they don't even take pride in their work and due to that the works suffers because they taking short cuts, hastening their work and overlooking mistakes because time is money.

There is no pride there, there is no real thing there. Is just a never ending monotony of lies, cheats, schemers and low life's thinking money is the real value. No connection with others because of their creed and unwillingness to share. Because time, time is money. I now find myself caught up in the whole, taken in like a whirlwind. I got snagged with I was young thinking money is all that there is. I never was rich even though many a night I spent dreaming, praying that somehow I would be one day. But now I couldn't give a **** about it.

Now that I know what I don't want the question arises is what the hell do I want. And I can not for the life of me answer this. Because there is no method to answer such a question.

So here I am stuck, because I have this body and it yearns to live on but no soul in me, the fight in me is no longer there. An empty corpse with a rotting empty mind dragging around this planet waiting for the inevitability of death. Its not that I care about death itself, it is the waiting that I find myself in agony because what the hell is there to do? It reminds me of that song from pulp fiction,


Counting flowers on the wall,
That don't bother me at all.
Playing Solitaire till dawn,
With a deck of fifty-one.
Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo.
Now, don't tell me I've nothing to do.

Well, it's good to see you, I must go, I know I look a fright.
Anyway my eyes are not accustomed to this light.
And my shoes are not accustomed to this hard concrete.
So I must go back to my room and make my day complete.

Here's the thing I know I must do something that I enjoy, but what happens when I'm just not that smart. I know my shortcomings and I'm incapable of thinking myself out of this problem. (The problem of not knowing what to do)
So when I take action for example play poker (to do something) I immediately regret it. I don't enjoy poker because of the bad beats (not the money I don't care about the money) I can't stand when some donk calls me with a garbage hand and check-calls it all off on the turn with a 5% chance of winning and wins. It bores me to tears because usually I was waiting for that spot to double up and bust someone that one big huge pot but the whole process of waiting for that moment after hours of folding then to get stacked by the most diabolical, horrendous, god awful play. What the hell are they thinking sometimes I wonder.

Then I take up writing as an action to do something and the moment my pen hits the paper my mind goes blank I have not a clue as to what to write and my English is poor. Then I take up reading as an action and get bored after 100 pages. I just lose interest like I lose hope in myself.

Today I went to work like a robot. Tomorrow who knows what it will bring, maybe so. The sound of the rain needs no translation.

The highlight of my day was a hot shower and a clean shave.

So a year from now we can expect similar entries to these?

Many years ago I was mired in the truth of how insignificant I was. Taking a look at reality, "What a stupid speck of nothingness I am!". And I was so full of sadness and pain. What was the point of enduring? I hammered away at this thought, day after day, month after month, for some years. I was in a deep dark hole mentally and emotionally, and I had no idea how to get out of it or what to do about it. Logically speaking, only suicide made sense. There is a will to survive, and that's pretty much all I did for a while. No matter what I did, or tried, or thought, I'd always come back to the truth that nothing matters. Then something good happened.
I was working at a bar and grill and made a connection with one of the managers. Immediately I could tell he was an intelligent guy and I respected him. We had conversations about my thoughts and struggles and I felt like he understood. He became somewhat of a mentor to me. He helped me a lot, but I was still suffering way more than I was enjoying life and I could not shake the logic and truth of everything being pointless. One day he shared with me that he himself had a mentor. He suggested that I go see this person to talk about my thoughts and ideas. I agreed.
Art was about 60 years old. Here he was, my mentor's mentor, and to me he just emminated wisdom. The first time I met him, not too much came out of it that I remember. It was the second chance that I got to talk to him that altered the course of my life.
We were talking for awhile when he asked me a question. "Do you ever think about infinity?" I thought for a second and I answered "yes... no..."
Then he said to me this: "The human mind is not capable of thinking about infinity." And all of a sudden I knew he understood exactly what I had been mentally grinding away on all these years. He continued on about the subject, but that line was enough for me. Here he was, my mentor's mentor, and he's telling me that the human mind is not equipped to contemplate the vastness of infinity and all of it's ramifications. If he's not thinking about it, then what the heck am I doing thinking about it?
I was finally free to let go of that line of thinking. To back away. To just let it be and not obsess over it anymore. It's not that it's not true, it's just that it's not the only reality that can be. And the problem is, if you are in that deep hole, grinding away on the truth of it, you are totally unable to see anything else. I wanted SO badly to be there in that darkness, in the midst of that bleak truth, and to break out the other side with a reasoning to overcome it. Now I just don't think that's possible. That line of thinking is a trap. It throws up the truth that nothing matters, and no matter where you turn, or how hard you try, you will always run into that. I was lucky to be able to let it go. It was the right person and the right time, and I was ready I guess. I think that had it been a couple years earlier or someone else saying that to me, maybe it would have been a different story. But who knows?
It was still very difficult. But I slowly got better over time. In the beginning my mentor told me to focus on things that bring me joy, no matter how small they may be. It's been a very long journey since then, and now things are very different for me. But here's the truth. I still understand what I believed back then and I don't argue with the validity to it. It's just that once I got to the point where I enjoyed life more than I was suffering, it didn't matter nearly as much anymore. Even if that is the truth, I'm now happy to stick around and experience it rather than take that early exit which I had been incessantly thinking about.
This is getting TLDR. Wanted to say some other things but maybe later. That's my story for what it's worth. I've read your blog and know you are in pain. I hope things turn around for you.

It's been 18 years since my talk with Art. I've been able to craft a life for myself that I'm happy to lead. Like you, working 40 hours a week for the rest of my life was not very appealing. I realized there's no rule saying you have to do so, and I have had some type of part time job for the last 16 years. I don't value money either. I don't value things. My strategy for life has basically been to enjoy life as much as possible and work was just never going to be a big part of that.
Even though I've considered myself happy, if I spent time thinking about it, I knew that underneath it all, hiding in the core of my being, was this idea that I'm still a worthless piece of s***. It was okay, because the way I built my life, I just rarely needed to go there. The thing is though, that silent part of me was influencing every moment and every decision my entire life. And I've only come to realize the fullness of that very recently.
Not too long ago, I had the motivation to try to find some resources for myself. I was looking to work on some issues that I've always just dealt with somehow, but I wanted to see if I could resolve them. Of course I dug down and found what I've always known was there.
I came across a book titled "Self-compassion". In it, are many things that I think I will find useful. But what was most significant for me was that she mentions something, and I immediately recognized that she had named what had been residing in my core for my entire life. What it is, is toxic shame.

From the internet:
toxic shame - the feeling of being flawed and diminished and never measuring up. Toxic shame feels much worse than guilt. With guilt, you've done something wrong; but you can repair that - you can do something about it. With toxic shame there's something wrong with you and there's nothing you can do about it; you are inadequate and defective.

I don't know if this means anything to you or not, but it's so profound for me that I wanted to share it.
I didn't choose toxic shame. From the very beginning of my life, influences were there to shape me into who I would become, and a system of toxic shame was what I was instilled with. It's not my fault. It's not my fault that I am unable to process certain situations well. It's not my fault that I am unable to handle certain aspects of life that others may find easy or trivial. I was created with a system for coping with the world that is faulty and I never knew that to be the case. But now I know. And for the first time in my life I honestly feel like I may have a chance at becoming a whole person.

Thanks for your blog, as it has given me a chance to share. I know life can be excruciatingly difficult while looking so easy for others. I remember a specific moment a long time ago, when I thought to myself, no matter how good life might get, how can it be worth going through this hell to get there? With respect to that person who suffered so much back then, I will not just go off and say how great life is and such. But in all honesty, I am quite happy to be alive today, and I hope one day that that happens for you too.

Those are really ****ing good posts B&E. Thanks for sharing.

I hope to change to a more positive outlook on life and myself. To be fair I'm mentally not well and have been for since I can remember. That's 29 years of self abuse and suppressing my feelings so that I've left myself in this situation that I now find myself in which is how do I be a real person?

Will you see similar entries this time next year, I hope not, maybe I won't be here (living) or maybe I get sick off posting on 2+2. Maybe I can't change myself and I know I can't change the world.

care to write, what have you tried and how it worked/not worked?

I was given 4 week course of sertraline. Horrible side effects such as thumping headaches not like a migraine but air pressure in the head that couldn't escape it was a weird feeling. I yawned a lot when I was on this. I soon told the doctor about this side effects and took me off them.

I was then given a 4 week course of citalopram which brought me out in a itchy red rash so I stopped taken that first day. I lost hope in future in AD. Its not an AD am looking for more of a pill to make me happy.

Don't lose hope. And I think a pill to make you happy does not exist. If you find one, pls post here .
Give ADs more chance. The thing is they work highly individual. I went through 6 different, until a right combo was found. At the end it was for me not a single AD but a combo of 2 different. It has been pain in the ass to come there. Some made me as side effect even more crazy than I actually am...
But at the end it is worth it.

You need a doc, who is willing to do the work with you. And you need to make peace with the reality that some side effects will be there. For me it was weight gain. I said better fat and non-suicidal, than slim and dead.

I logged on to my FTP and I saw I had $2.07 left and then proceeded to check the high stakes game and shipped $1 to IReadYrSoul and some other dude forget his name. Right now I'm sitting in my living with not a lot to do to be honest. I finished reading Alan Watts Book Cloud Hidden. But I'm bored of reading. Can't think of a reason why I would do such a thing as living.

I don't have any money to go out so its another night in and I don't have TV. I guess I could read another book, just started the first 29 pages of The Confessions of Zeno.

I haven't ate anything all day I tried to cook a chicken diner but I didn't like the taste of the chicken and it put me off from eating. There's not much else in the house to eat. What else could I write about. Maybe I might drive around town again or not. I wonder about people who self harm, that cut themselves with knifes, I wonder why they do such a thing. That's not pain that's stupid. Most people are stupid and to be avoided but its unavoidable to interact with others which sucks for me because I have nothing to say to them I have no common ground other than I'm a walking ape also. What people talk about bore me to tears that I end up shrugging my shoulders and walking out of the room. I see people on the street I know and they avoid me they pretend to look at their phone or this one person walked into a shoe shop just because I was on the same side of the street. I think they realise the absurd nature that they find themselves in that they must fill the silence with mindless chatter as if it where better than no talk at all. When they do talk about things I have no interest in I can only be polite for so long and then stare at them with two heads as if they came from another world. I don't understand these people and I can't connect with them.

Today is Saturday and the highlight of my it was a cold glass of water.

U come across as one of them that's so morbid it's funny. Some times i'm like that, I have a dry sense of humour and struggle to connect with the everyday person. I just think everyone is living on different vibrational frequencies, different levels if you like, and it's hard to find people who are on that similar wave length.

Another thing, you mentioned about being a walking ape, I hope you weren't being totally serious there, do you believe Darwins theory of evolution?

I for one don't, even though I used to, maybe up until 4 or 5 years ago, because that was what I was taught in school. But since leaving the indoctrination system I have sought to learn from alternative sources and found out some interesting stuff. There's that missing link where apes have 48 chromosomes and humans have 46, so that remains to be explained afaic. I'm also dubious about Darwin, i'm not sure he was as legit as he's made out to be.

The 3rd best highlight part of my day was reading Robin's awesome post. It was a pretty good day though, tough competition.

Something that depressed/confused/uninspired people seem to share in common is poor nutrition.

Keep in mind the value of dark leafy greens, ALL fruits, and other veggies too. A good diet with carbs and protein is important for fuel. But without good nutrients your brain won't work properly. So depression or mood swings from lack of nutrition, is kinda like trying to start a car with no gas. Doesn't matter how hard you try to start it or what you do, its not gonna work proper!

I realize money is tight for food, but I'm just saying sometimes veggies and fruit come our way and we ignore them and forget about how important they are! Fruit and veggies are usually cheap too.

Learn something new, when the mind grows it gets less stagnant.

I already do eat healthly and get all those things you mention. Everytime I go to the gym and have fruit I laugh at myself. I laugh at myself I'm taking great care and upkeep of a body and life I don't want. To prolong life in tip-top condition for no reason to go living. Which find absurd and all rather depressing. But I don't think anybody understands that which is frustrating.

Suicide has always been an topic that I wonder about. The latest figures show that the suicide rate rose significantly in 2011 with 4,552 men taking their own life out of a total of 6,045 people. The highest rate was in the male age bracket 30-44. Suicide in this group accounted for more deaths than road accidents, murder and HIV/Aids combined. UK stats.

I feel like it is a moral victory when someone committs suicide. Each time it happens it proves my point.

I was going to start a topic in RG&T about how religion is not the problem, people are! To attack religion misses the point of the actually problem. When someones says to me religion is evil, I wonder what they mean! Government is evil, banking is evil, law and order are evil....etc. The common element in all of these is the human being. Deep down, once you get to the root of the whole thing you understand that YOU are the problem. And you recognise yourself in others. Then you know these forms that humans take (religion, education, trade, money, banking, government etc..) are all evil schemes because the driving force behind them all is a human being with selfish desires.

You then get hit by the inevitable ecstasy, because you know the best thing to do is to committ suicide.

yea but we have this internal urge to survive/live as a human race for some unknown reason...
we live to get better in daily living if we are lucky enough to have the lifetime needed to achieve progress

It may be a logical realization, that you intelligently realize that motivation for things is fake. And the emptiness in that realization may make you uneasy. There would be few people to relate to in this, and a great feeling of confusion and periods of darkness are likely to result.

Because the realization of the falseness of desire and motivation is not the same as depression or suicide. Even tho they might seem the same. The determining factor would be if you realize you have no motivation or reason to expend the energy for suicide as well.

You might argue you could stop eating and naturally you would die, from lack of motivation to eat. But you naturally are already feeding yourself, you would need motivation to stop.

If you have chemical problems or PTS etc. thats one thing, but if you are having issues because you can't relate to people that fail to admit to themselves they have false motivations, then there are people that know about this kind of darkness.