How am I not dead already? I want someone to end it for me, this madness, this thing called life. I don't get what it is all about. What is there to enjoy? Now I'm just complaining over an internet forum, but here I am in all my glory. Every inch of me wants out of here, working in a job I hate, buying things that I don't need. To go on surviving just so I can keep living for what? It is the most absurd thing I literally have no idea why I go on. It drives me nuts, really one day I'm just going to crazy and say **** it and jump off a bridge or some ****. I have no opinions on anything, I've nothing positive to say because everything is a drag because I don't want to do it anymore, there is nothing on offer, there is nothing to fight for.

Like what happens when you don't want anything? I don't want money anymore because I have no use for the stuff, what would I do if I was rich? and I can't think of a single dam thing.

What makes my life worth living? It almost feels like I have out grown it, I totally see through life like water. It is a empty shell that makes lots of promises but never fulfills them even if I want the hollow promises in the first place like riches. Working and not doing anything when I get home is a drag. I often just sit in my room and stare into space and drift off into sleep. Going to gym helps my body, but I don't like going which is odd to me. The whole thing is just dam right odd and ****ing stupid. I just can not put into words how I feel. My life is just one complete waste of time but how do I have this feeling of I must survive? Why am I a gut-less freak that I can't just end this crap here and now.

I have no goals, I have no skills, I don't desire lots of money, I don't want to be around people, I have nothing to offer.

I just don't want to do it anymore there really is no point in me being here and now I'm complaining on an internet forum. and nothing will change.

I'm not okay, I think I'm mentally ill or something is wrong with me. Who wants free money?

On news year day I filled out a forum to see a shrink. I wrote some of the most weirdest stuff ever, like my hobby is to masterbate and other crazy stuff I can't remember now.

one day I will stop posting here. I used to post a lot here and on other forums. but this is only forum I post in now. In fact I think I will mostly stick to my blog and not post in any other section. I've stopped playing poker and postings hands. The day will come when I no longer post here I think I do it because of attention. I get bored. There ain't much I like doing. Pray for me, pray that I die in my sleep tonight and never wake up.

I can't say what I really want to say to people because then they would kick my ass, it just pretend a fake front that I put up.

its just all fake bs and I hate it all.ff f g oo wgyh hthnak vfc xvscxf45rdf

whatever time for sleep.........lets hope it looks better in the morning...but now its time to sleep.....like really what do I want out of life ...................................sleep....... vgfgr

I'm screwed. Its like Im aware enough to know that Im stupid but unable to improve my situation. Its a weird feeling knowing that Im screwed its like watching the walls close in but unable to stop it. Pretty much the only thing is to end it first. Anyway i give up poker. Im done with it.

Show this blog to a psychiatrist. If he won't prescribe you some meds, go to another one. You are mentally ill. Probably heavy depression. It is a miracle, that you still go to work.

I was bored the other night and thought why not give poker a go.......I lost £400 which is a lot of money to me.

I was playing bad but lost my money to a 5% suckout and a 10% suckout in omaha -ha -ah ha---ah

I get dealt T678 double suited and call a raise from SB after it limps round.

The flop is 669 SB bets out and I call.

Turn is T and bets pot again and I call. I don't know how he plays so he either has pocket 9's, A6 or AA (since he might be over playing them) so I call again

and the river is an Ace he moves in and I fold, showing my full house and he shows me aces......grrrh!! I think if I ship turn he folds but why would I want him to fold when I have him crushed.

anyway....

I get dealt As7s85 double suited...there is a raise to 10 and 5 callers.

flop is 5s5c6c i bet pot and get called.

turn is 9s so I turn the nut staight, with trips, with the nut flush draw........I'm tied to my hand.

so I bet pot which is me all in and get called by this uber donk-degen bstard.

river is a 2c

I think **** me, a stupid flush is going to beat me. but oh no its the old 5-2-Q-Q that wins.

Thats any queen or 2. Thats 5 outs...........10% of the time.

I can relate so much to this it's really weird. Except for the part of wanting to take others out. My masochism tends to manifest itself in wanting to help others more than hurt them, even (especially?) the ones who hurt me most.

Your words are art and I'm enjoying your art. You've said somewhere above that you have no talent but I don't believe that's true. I find it helpful to put my words to music and melody, and especially helpful to physically write them down in a book rather than type them out on a keyboard.

As an experiment you might go out and buy a $10 guitar from a pawn shop, download very basic lessons, and sing your words, even if everything is gloriously out of tune.

Peace to you.

went to the gym today, no idea why. I didn't enjoy it much. Another say at work and I got lot of work done I wonder if any noticed. After the gym I cooked a very dry chicken diner with rice for one (that's me) and I had a cold glass of milk. Then I started to read The Stranger by Albert Camus not sure if I like it or not yet 50 pages in.

I promise myself that I will read one book a month. That's something to look forward to I think, I hope. I'm surprised at myself for staying alive I think that's an achievement and miracle all by itself. Today I spoke to two other people today we talked about my sore throat (starting to lose my voice from the cold) I hope they get the cold I thought to myself.

The house was cold when I came home so I wrapped myself up and made a hot drink. Then I thought about suicide. I took antibiotics for my skin (bad spots on my back that I've had since a teenager) I've bad skin in general always breakouts.

I then went to bed at around 10pm. I had an amazing dream, an out of body experience I felt myself spinning around the room, off the ground just going round in circles. The more I tried to hold on to myself the more I spined around the room. Then I just let go of myself and I started to laugh really hard which woke me up. It felt so real.

good night world. lets hope one of us is not here in the morning.........

I phoned in sick today at work and didn't get up to 15.30.

new year's resolution are

to give up drinking. I'm only a social drinker once every few weeks but I'm going to stop all drinking because its boring and I hate the taste.

Read 1 book (or more) a month.

Start writing and getting better at English.

Stop playing poker.

Start saving money.

Go to gym 2-3 a week like I used to.

Be happy.

Find out what my dream is.

Social drinker? You seem very anti-social to me, I thought you rarely speak with people?

Save money? You said money has no value to you.

i know its weird. the times i go out i feel like I have to drink to fit in, because I would like a cold glass of water but I don't want people to say things.

i use money to pay bills. so im saving money to pay off future bills. i hope that makes sense.

According to Alan Watts there are two types of people, prickly people and the goo people. Prickly people like things cut-up and cleared, goo people more creative and free flowing. See I'm a prickly person trying to be goo type person but I have no idea on how to be creative. I like a method and how to do things, small baby steps and ways of clearly understanding what it is I have to do.

Goo people just go with the water. I'm don't trust life and I need to be tricked or pushed into making the jump into the water.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXi_ldNRNtM

That's another of week of work over. Today I learned some aspects of how to build a thatch roof and other useless information. I'm at home. Bored already, just logged on to FTP playing play money poker. Not sure what to do tonight. I can stay in and make tea and read a book or I can go out and play live poker at £40 which is a lot of money these days for me. If I played and lost I could make do until I get paid again but I don't feel good about my game (or anything) so I would be throwing it away I feel. I don't have any friends to call round and I don't go to bars often.

Where do you live in the UK?

n.ireland. why?

I drove about town for an hour then I got bored with that and went home. I kept asking myself "why do I go to work again?". The weekend is just starting and I have nothing to do. I hate working but it gives something to do, which is really sad. Don't know what the hell it's all about. Bored now. Maybe read a book or just go to sleep or something.

Basically what I'm saying is that I have no reason to keep on living and it pains me that I do go on living. You guys will never understand.

I don't care for poker anymore. I'm glad I didn't play tonight. For a couple of reasons, 1. I'm not very good at, 2. I don't have the cash to play in the live games that I would like to play.

Basically I'm hanging around waiting to die. That's what life boils down to wasting time until death finally catches up with you. The best strategy is to do things you love doing, but if I'm not capable of thinking of things I like doing then I'm pretty much ****ed. Then life becomes a drag, like Micheal Mcd said if you are to carefully your whole life can become a ****ing grind. See the problem is life has nothing to offer me. And the reward for hard work doesn't pay off, because there is nothing I want so why the hell would I work hard. Don't make sense to me.

I used to study hard at school despite me not being very smart. I got okay grades. And I kept working hard, I had no idea what I wanted to do. So the time came when I had to pick something for college so I cut out the subjects into a hat and pulled one out at random. You see to me the whole point of work was to earn money, it didn't matter what it was because I had no interest in anything, because to me it was all about the money. What a fool I was, an utter dumb fool, doomed. You know I wish I dropped out of school and became a drug user or an alcoholic because what a waste of my time learning things I didn't give a crap about. I got degrees in engineering and construction then went on to do AutoCAD and got A-level business award. But I don't care for things and it depresses me when I think I worked hard at something I hate.

I wish I never left home, yeah I'm 29 and I have a mortgage, job and a car. What was I given up by leaving home? I gained nothing. Worse than that I gained isolation, depression, boredom and a hateful miserable life. I feel somewhat cheated I think the teachers tricked me, they focused on getting a job but it never occurred to me that it would be job that I like. What a fool I was chasing on those unwanted grades and being a model student despite me having a lower IQ. What the hell was I doing?

See now it hits me, now I see I don't want the money. There was a time when all I wanted was money, but you see now if you offered me £1000 I might not take it because what the hell would I do with it? Just pay bills and be comfortable in my two bed bungalow all by myself. It would be funny if it wasn't all so real and sad.

From the outside looking in I'm probably a good catch for someone. I have a decent job, a house, no bad habits like drinking or drugs. I'm very obedient very passive person. Don't speak a lot but I'm a good listener.

But in the inside I'm not a very good person I push people away, I'm cold, I'm shy. I don't care. I've no get up and go. I'm not assertive. I'm boring. A safe bet. Mr Grey man. Mr Cellophane. I've don't have an opinion about anything, especially on things I know nothing about which is quite a lot of things.

Here is an old article that is quite inspiring. 10 reasons you should never get a job.

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...ver-get-a-job/

On a side note, maybe you should take up drugs.

Being obedient and passive is something you ought to change. Not to say you need to be an arrogant dick, but being assertive is good. I'm shy too, but sometimes you have to force yourself to be social.

I think you need to get out more and meet people, force yourself to do it. What's the worst that can happen? You couldn't possible be worse off for doing so, you seem pretty unhappy at the moment. If you get over this dark period in 5-10 years you're going to look back and regret how much time you wasted being miserable.

you need some love in your life brother