i don't believe love is better than hate, I'm just edging my bets that I don't get flamed. because if I said hate then I get flamed and will have to go through a boring process of trying to defend myself and I can't be bothered with that crap.

love! hate! doesn't matter as long as somebody dies.

because when I ask others they have no clue as to why I should live. that's why they don't know. because they haven't the first idea. as soon as they open their mouths to give an explanation they find themselves talking non-sense.

the more I get to know about myself and the world it gets worse,

dyslexia, chronically depressed, C-PTSD, Avoidant personality disorder, broke, working a dead end job, unable to reproduce (maybe this is a good thing for humanity)....like when do I start winning?

life is somewhat like to catch a predator, its a trap don't leave the house!

life is somewhat like beer, its horrible. **** i hate drinking beer, when I go out with my friends I drink water or red bull, and the night just drags in. you ever deal with drunk people when you are sober, god, how am I not up for murder!?!!

going to write a letter to myself and send it in the post because I'm bored as ****.

I'm going to a home poker game which is the most painful thing to watch ever. The typical is it on me? "I check", "no there is a bet on to you", "oh!! I raise!!" And the betting sizes make no sense, on the flop mabe bets of 100, turn bets 25, and then someone would raise to 50. Pot odds are 10000 to 1, let me call with a get out jail free card and a this cracker because there is a chance of split pot, and maybe my cracker kicker might play or something.

Worst is they don't know the hand strength, I watched this guy who exposed his card fold to a small flop bet with Q5ss on a AsKsTh board, I died a little inside when I folded, because they were pretty deep.

they turn over their hands and say I missed when they might have the nut straight because they can't figure that an ace can be both high and low.

plus they will be drinking, and it be 30mins a hand.........is it on me? yes its on, its been on you for the last 5mins, ummmm how many cards do I need to make a flush, you need 5 of the same suit, but its a rainbow board so you can't make a flush....does a house beat a flush?...............

That game sounds awesome.

there is no money involved, does it still sound awesome?

Sounds ok if they were cool people.

Rob,

Especially given your other OP in OOT, I cannot implore you enough to consciously/methodically digest the recordings of the late Terence Mckenna on YT. He is/was pretty much the most revered advocate of constructive psychedelic use.

Here is a great start.

not really, but I got to do something. Just keep putting myself out there.

A running commentary of a guy who is going crazy.

The office is empty like it always is. Phone rang this morning it wa the guy from the Ventilation company describing in great detail a system which I had asked him to design out, not that I care about the actually system but does it pass the standard set by building control, if it does please write it down and send it to me so I can regurgitate it to building. Which is a nice of way of saying shut up.

Nobody in the office today as like most days. It has occurred to me that I should be on benefits due to my disability to function (mentally) in the workplace. So i need to do something to prove that I'm not fit to work and get signed on benefits, this will be the approach that I will be taking. But I must not do something that will get me locked in a mental home. So its a fine line.

The doctors said there was nothing wrong me but I had put in a request for me to see a psychiatrist so I need to produce a sign of mental illness that gets me out of work.

I live by myself and for the most part work by myself. It could be hours before i talk to someone but even then the conversation is all small talk or about work. I routinely talk to myself at home or stare at the ceiling until I fall asleep. Then its ready for work next where it all happens again. I love sleeping its like what I want to do all day, if I could get a job sleeping I would. I don't have TV, to reduce costs and thinking about getting rid of my laptop/internet I youtube sometimes but the things i watch is stuff I have already seen. which is odd. that because I'm odd and screwed (people tell me these things).

Its monday so I have a week of work then I get to sleep all day saturday and sunday.

Another day of work done. Over with and I worked really hard today. I spoke to 3 people today. I did my part and I got some money. Not I want it because I never spend on anything other than bills so that I can live.

I love the fact that I can post here my ramblings. Take a look back at the slow descent into madness.

I have a book idea that I will write about. The idea is about a man who lives in a world where everyone else is crazy, he is the only sane person but feels like he is the crazy person since he feel so different from what he sees around him. I got the idea from The Politics of Experience and The Bird of Paradise
Book by Ronald David Laing.

I read it in english but never used: "Good for you." (I hope it has ironical undertone).
Jack London +30 000 writers+ Charles Bukowski can sign for it. They were so special.

i am alone and no one understands me. I spoke to one other person today. somedays I go without talking or meeting anyone else that is not in work. and i don't like the people i work with.

i find life boring, i just work and pay bills.

i have no hobbies, i have no friends, i have no money. i live by myself. i cry a lot at home by myself and even talk to myself.

i stare into the ceiling and just wait to i fall a sleep. and thats my life. i hate working. and i don't want the money. i only need money to stay alive and pay bills. but why should i be alive what is the point sure i don't do anything. because im stupid and i cant think what i want from life.

maybe life has nothing to offer. i don't have any skills or not very smart and i have nothing to offer. so like whats the point in going on?

going to read a book now see if i can get smarter.....duuuh! im tooo stt-stt--stt---stuupppiiidood....

I can't get to sleep. Its 4am and I can't get to sleep. Got work in 4 hours.

life is boring without money. the highlight of my day was a bowl of cereal.

you can't teach creativity.

theres another day gone. another day closer to death.....................weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeee

I haven't spoke to anyone all day. Not even a phone call. And the times I do talk to others its about things I don't care about and dare I say hate. I hate the people I work with and I hate my job.

I'm angry and mad at myself because I want to do something with my life, but what that something is I have no idea. Last night I went to bed at 8.00pm slept right through to 8.00am when it was time to get up to work. And here I am at work, no idea why!

When I get home I'm going back to bed.

I'm stupid, thats the problem. I'm smart enough to know that I'm stupid but unable to come up with solutions. I have no skills but I yearn to better myself at something that I'm interested in. But I'm not interested in anything, especially a skill/hobby that I can make money from. and then I think about suicide.

the highlight of my day was copying Wafflehouse's .gif/avatar see how it takes him before he changes it. I think if I stay away from BBV he won't notice.

Note to self. Don't play poker again ever you are terrible! don't waste the money.

------

finished for today, that's me done. can't wait to go to sleep. I hope and pray that I never wake up.

lots of love.

note to self: Never drink again. remember Thursday night when you tried to have fun and get drunk despite working next. yeah not good, failed on having fun and failed on doing work. I promise never to drink again. read this. over and over and over. normally i don't drink but I wanted to have fun, didnt work. get over it and man up. no more drink because you cant

Robin,

The answer Alan Watts suggests is to play poker and go see Thai ladyboy shows until you are destitute and dead on the streets (that is what you enjoy the most, DUCY?).

Disclaimer: I am not trying to troll you. I struggle with the same ideas you have as 40% of my psyche every day. Not the part about ladybois, just that life seems very redundant. ie work to live, living is too expensive=> work more more more more so that you can enjoy living.