In for the free money.

In all seriousness, hang in there man. Get a dog, I hear they're mans best friend.

The politics of experience and the bird of paradise, author R. D. Laing. Its a book that describes what normality is (in context) and examines schizophrenia and psychotherapy.

Transcendence the 'us and them' thinking. And even has a ten day account of someone having a ten day psychosis. During this period he felt time going back wards and that he had control over things and dare I say an experience that possible Jesus had or other spiritual figures/people throughout history.

The idea that attracts me the most is the possibility that we are in fact mad. It is all a matter of perspective. To not look mad is to get paid for what one is doing or for enjoyment. Everything else would be considered mad.

If I said to a person who didn't understand poker that I played 24 tables clicking away and didn't show a profit for that day, he may think me quite mad!

In the book it shows a doctor treating a schizophrenic. This schizo would walk in circles and would sit in a chair and would not get up when it felt pain. The doctor would stand in front of the patient preventing them to walk in circles, the schizo would still walk into him as if trying to maintain waling in circles. While seated the doctor would jab pins into her forehead. The book suggests who is mad here? Is the doctor mad for walking in front of another person and not moving out of the way, is he mad for jabbing pins into someone's forehead trying to inflict pain on another?

Isn't everything quite mad?

Reading As above so below by Alan Oken. And I bought tarot cards for the fun of it.

Never give up on your dreams Robin! Ummm what dreams?

I had this dream about suicide. I remember stabbing myself with a knife the blood was dripping and spewing everywhere and that I was hanging on an upside down tree. I see a lot of skulls and dead faces in my dreams.

My life is so ****ing stupid.

Free from desire, you realize the mystery.
Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.

I broke up with my partner last night after 2 years it has been coming for a few months now. I have my own house but I rented it out to my brother just like two days ago (bad timing) so I have to move back home or kick my brother out which I feel really bad in doing but it might have to come to that.

Perhaps I could stay at mums for a few months so I can get back on my feet, give my brother time to find another place

Was going to update this but there isn't anything to update plus it's boring and it's boring to read.

Can I ask one of the mods to please delete this trash so it is never seen again.

Thanks

Robin

'We'd rather be fat on benefits than thin and working': Mother and daughter who weigh a total of 43 STONE and boast matching mobility scooters receive £34,000 a year in handouts

Janice Manzur, 44, and daughter Amber, 25, weigh a combined 43 stone
They use mobility scooters as their weight makes it hard to get around
Both live in homes that are modified to accommodate their disabilities
Pair say they would rather be happy then 'depressed and thin'
They have no plans to diet and say being big is 'in our genes'


A mother and daughter who reportedly weigh a total of 43 stone and receive £34,000 a year in handouts say they'd rather be happy and on benefits than depressed and thin.

Janice Manzur, 44, and her daughter Amber, 25, use mobility scooters as their weight means they struggle to get around, while Janice's home in Kirkcaldy, Fife, has been modified by the council to accommodate her disability.

Mother-of-two Janice has been claiming benefits since 2006, while her daughter has not worked for more than two years.

Together they reportedly receive around £33,600 in benefits a year, which is the equivalent of someone earning £46,000 a year before tax.

But the pair have no plans to diet, and say they are happy being overweight, despite the risks of obesity-related health issues.

'I'd rather my daughter live life on benefits being fat and happy than depressed and thin,' Janice, who weighs 26st, told The Sun's Jenny Francis.

As well as her scooter, Janice gets around in a wheelchair-accessible Fiat Qubo car, worth around £15,000, which she gets £200 a month in benefits for.

There is a disabled parking bay outside her home and a ramp has been placed outside her house, making it easier for her to access.

She is living with a number of weight-related conditions, including diabetes, high cholesterol and angina, according to the newspaper.

She says she has tried to lose weight in the past, but was unable to shift the pounds and when she asked a doctor about the possibility of having weight loss surgery, such as a gastric band, was told she was too overweight. She then decided to give up attempts to diet.

She was working as a manager in a call centre, but left because of weight-related health problems.

After winning a tribunal case where it was argued she could work if she lost weight, she now receives £620 in Employment Allowance and £320 in Disability Allowance every month, as well as £300 for rent.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/arti...-handouts.html

Disgusting people. Should be ashamed and embarrassed.

I have decided to give up poker until I feel better about myself. I can't seem to get motivated to want to do anything in life. Recently I did some unpaid overtime just so I wouldn't have to go home and I could sleep in the office and save a trip into work.

I really don't care for the money I make because I don't use it for anything that would bring me pleasure the world hasn't got a single thing on offer.

I wonder how I can make this thread better so that it's interesting and fun to read?

I bought Alaje the Pleiadian - HU-Mantra-Theta Waves Meditation CD set I find it helps me relax a lot and feel better for listening to it.

Do you ever feel like your in autopilot at work? Yes, sir, yes, sir, Three bags full;

Retrospection: 20th Jan 2015
I was in bed listening to HU-Mantra-Theta Waves Meditation CD for about 2-3 hours as I had woke in the middle of the night at 3.45am. Before that I was sleeping at around 11pm was reading Self-unfoldment by Disciplines of Realization by Manly P. Hall read about 10 pages almost finished this book. Then I had soup and sandwich before that I was picked up at the garage as I had dropped my car in to get fixed. The day at work was like any other day. I drove there with my car at 8.30am. I was in bed.

I night I try and set myself into trance by listening to theta waves and observer my thoughts. The inner journey!

I'm all over the place. Can't concentrate on anything these days, don't care. Nothing is important to me. Drinking coffee and coffee for a sweet something in my life. Work is blah! its all one big bowl of grey mush mixed with a bag of meh!

Words fail me sometimes it feels like I have a lot to say but I don't really and who would listen even if I did and would it make any sense? I watch I'm the observer.

Right now I'm listening to Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber into that type of music now it seems. I feel like Barney from the simpsons -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvuoh7WGvtc

I'm enjoy the Stephen King On Writing book.

26th of January 2015:

I'm not part of what I see that happens around me it kind of happens to me when I don't want it to happen. It's like Sisyphus to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this action forever or for the kids out there like Pinky and the Brain.

Pinky: Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the world!

The same thing we do every night but never actually complete.

Fighting depression doesn't do it justice it's just life.

I believe I'm going mad at work and possibly in life. Took a serve tension headache that last lasted a day I've had it once before this time wasn't so bad it feels like a rubber band tighten around your brain it causes me mental confusing like it would cause me to worry that I'm forgetting because that is what it feels like. It feels like you are in the process of forgetting your name and simply things like that.

But going back to work, I sit at a desk for 7-8 hours a day sometimes more if I do overtime or work on my book. I drift off and my mind wanders around sometimes my eyes would go crossed-eye I really worry sometimes that something is happening to me.

Like I would be on a break and I actually hear my brain "crack" open and at other times hear crackling sounds in the brain. I find myself alone for the vast majority of the time, sometimes talk to myself other times I think I would hear something or imagine things.

I'm know I'm doing just to kill the boredom that has sett in. I wonder what it is I get for being a good law abiding citizen. I was going to start a thread about these things in OOT titled My job is driving me nuts. Thinking of quitting but tbabs stole my thunder.

Anyway there wouldn't be anything of interest to write so I'll just keep it here for my own records.

Don't even care if I come across crazy. I have a few running thoughts,

1. How do I leave my job while still maintaining some form of income.
2. Suicide?!??!
3. Reading books
4. Writing my own book

Just off the phone with lifeline and they hung up on me twice.

Did you ever see blood pour like that from a freshly cut wrist?

The man has a gun, he knows how to use it
Nine millimeter Browning, let's see what he can do
He'll point at my mouth
Says that he'll blow my brains out
Don't mess with me, carrying a gun
Carrying a gun, carrying a gun
Don't you mess with me, carrying a gun
Don't touch him, don't touch him
Stay away from him, he's got a gun