I've been having trouble performing what I'd call "Basic Human Maintenance" lately. Things like waking up in the mornings, feeding myself, and grooming of any sort—all the simplest ingredients to a happy life—have seemed desperately unachievable most days. I'm a student, which gives me just enough rope time-wise to hang myself, and with two weeks left in one of my final and most crucial semesters, I need to take some step to avoid the academic disaster I've been steadily brewing.

So, I'm going to give antidepressants (yet another) go. This will be my external measure of accountancy to keep me on that track. I don't expect the meds to work in such a short time frame, but I hope keeping some log of my existence will motivate me to fill it with more meaningful activity than I have been (as much as I have truly cherished the days of waking up past noon and marathoning shows on Netflix).

Tonight, my goals are to:

1. Outline/work on one of my final papers
2. Bike to the bank
3. Send a thank-you note to the couple who hosted a Thanksgiving dinner I attended.

I'll return here later to brag about my productivity.

good luck!

I've tried most of them (Prozac and Effexor to name a couple) over the years to help combat mild to moderate depression and anxiety. I have been on Lexapro for the last two years and I am happy with my results. Not a cure-all, but it does the job to help even things out.
Sounds like you might be a candidate for some prescribed Adderall. From your short intro I can't tell if you are more symptomatic of depression or ADHD.
good luck!

Thanks for sharing your journey with us. Best of luck this time!

Thank you guys!

My batting average ain't great so far on goal completion, but I think it's much better than it would have been if I hadn't consciously set out to track my activity. I did finally complete the three I set out for Saturday. The card I made:



I set two goals for Sunday—

1. Make it to lunch with my family
2. Attend church.

But only made it to church. So, we have 2/3 and 1/2 so far.

For today (Monday), I need(ed) to:

1. Go to class
2. Write one-fifth of a final project for one of my classes
3. Write a summary of the paper I should be working on for another class, but still need to start :-/
4. Knock out a chunk of a final paper I need to turn in Wednesday.

This is going to suck miserably because I don't have the confidence to do any of these things, but there's no room for self-doubt this close to deadlines, so I'll just hop to it.

IANAD but I think I'm depressed because ADHD prevents me from focusing in school and succeeding as I'd like. "Bipolar" is usually the diagnosis I'm given though. I've had pretty good success with Ritalin, but haven't seriously tried Adderall. I did see Lexapro absolutely transform someone's life least year, so I'm glad to hear you've found similar success with it!

+2

Thank you J!

3/4 completion on the goals I set out for yesterday.

Tuesday's:

1. Begin and complete a final paper by 5:00 p.m. tomorrow.

Great read. Keep it up.

welcome back to 2+2

Im glad you are still alive New Kid. I read the second update from the creeper thread and thought that serial killer might have got you. Good luck with school, sounds like you are fighting the good fight.

I am alive, Udummy. I thank you for your concern And I am back, Rei. Thank you for your greetings

So, I've been on hiatus for a few days. The best way I could summarize them would be to make the sort of whimpering, pathetic moan an animal would after it's been shot. Totally haven't taken the meds in a couple days. Totally did the exact opposite of what I set out to do. Totally stand as a perfect symbol of what happens when someone with a poor track record of personal responsibility is left to their own devices for too long.

It's difficult to write here, because I'm too embarrassed to admit to the full extent of where I stand. I'm going to re-tool my attack strategy; rather than announcing what I intend to do, I'm going to report back once something works.

who the **** are you to be embarrassed to post stuff? the prince of belgium?? reading your trial and error sounds like an interesting concept, and there are already plenty of bragblogs and they always end up starved for content. a blog following constant failure.. now THAT has legs.

GL op,
had a similar experience my senior year of college. Unfortunately, anti-depressants weren't around back then. (lol I'm old)
I had good results on prozac for awhile, and now lexapro.
First thing every morning. Even by my bed for awhile.

As for psych issues, do you have post graduation plans?
I didn't, and that was a major hurdle for me. I was probably self sabotaging a bit.
Small, achievable goals. When down, take victories when you can. Even admitting a bad day is a small victory.

Do you respond well to tough love? I don't but lets try. Get y'oure **** together yo"

So, I put my feet on the floor for the first time today at about 6:00 p.m. I kept waking up before that, but I'd just groan internally at the thought of what I needed to do, and I'd force myself back into unconsciousness. When I finally got up though, I realized it was Monday, not Tuesday, and I felt this twinge of optimism at the idea that there is still time to get finished what I need by Friday.

One of the weird parts of my depression is the level of irritability that comes with it. I went downstairs to make what would appear to a normal human to be supper, but to me was breakfast, and my roommate was curled up on the couch, watching TV. She exclaimed that she was happy to see me, and made a joke about me "being alive" or something (which a few people have been doing lately, and annoys the **** out of me every time because it's embarrassing [as it should be]). She started going on and on about how she never sees me, and about how I never talk to her and we never hang out—ostensibly kind things to say, as they're an expression of a desire to get to know me better—but all I heard was nagging, and just this waterboard-like drip-drip-drip, reminding me of how abnormal my behavior is and what a failure of a friend I've been.

Three times more today, I've felt a similar irritation at what were simply gestures of kindness as family or friends reached out to say hey. I have done my best to respond politely to people, and to do it in a way that indicates I appreciate their love, but I can't shake this ****ty, monstrous feeling that hides beneath my responses. I just want to lash out and snap at people to leave me the **** alone and to let me BE for a while. STOP CHECKING ON ME. STOP LOVING ME. Stop cheerily asking how studying is going. IT SUCKS. Stop asking if I'm getting my **** done. NO, I'M NOT.

/temper tantrum. (I hope it's clear that I understand how irrational and privileged what I've written is. Just venting.)

I have a paper I'm actually kind of excited to write, so I'm going to work on it for a bit.

I don't. Post-graduation looks like a big ol' blob to me right now. But I do have plans to start nailing my plans down, if that makes sense. I have few obligations over winter break, so that's been my time set aside to research possible paths and start making the moves to make them possible.

NK,
If you are serious about taking prozac, gotta be consistent. Give it a chance to build up. It can take weeks for the meds to kick in. For a time, I kept water and pills by my bed, just for those times I wasn't going to get up.

I have been through what your dealing with sleeping all day, cant concentrate on task that need to be done, and getting agitated when people would try to interact with me.

For a year now I have been on Adderall and it has helped a lot with the symptoms I listed, but recently (past 2 months) I have also been taking Perika St. Johns Wort which has helped a lot with thinking positively and enjoying life day to day instead of feeling like a zombie.

You can purchase St. Johns Wort from Amazon for like $25. If it doesn't help I suggest giving Adderall a try

I am on ADs too. Trevilor+ mitrazapin. For me it works a miracle.
GL

I've gone through a lot of what OP is saying here. I suffer from major depression and had my life completely turn around after starting to take medicine. I originally took prozac, but literally nothing happened, so my doc prescribed Lamictal and later risperidone, which completely turned my life around. I would definitely take your meds every day, and if they do not help you, talk to your doctor and see what your other options are. Severe depression is probably impossible to overcome without medicine.

I have taken Zoloft for a couple years now and it seems to keep me level. If I try to come off of it my anxiety ramps up so I don't bother fighting it anymore. Good luck to you and keep writing in the blog.

You sound like a spinning replica of my brother. While he's been on just about every anti-depressant you can name, in addition to several ADD meds like Adderall, nothing really helped him better than doing things for other people. As soon as he focused on what others wanted around him, instead of himself, his attitude shifted substantially.

The sleeping thing is annoying, he still does that. Maybe instead of trying to flip it completely, you can set a goal of like 2pm? My bro uses six alarm clocks to irritate himself into getting his feet on the floor. He's still kind of an A-hole until he smokes a bowl, but progress is progress.

That TY card you made for Thanksgiving was awesome. Got any Xmas ones in the works?

Got tired of wondering about psych meds. Are they ethical? Are they harmful? Which ones do I need? What illness should I be trying to treat? So I've started working out as daily as I can. Meditating when I remember to. Going to an -Anonymous group that helps me stay centered, and work through some issues I have. Ended a relationship that was messing with my head (to be honest, all of them kinda do). Went to class as regularly as I could manage. Met with professors, met with friends. Started going to church, and really believing what was said there. Journaling. Painting. Cleaning up my apartment, as much as I could muster at a time.

And I don't need Prozac right now.

I'm not shutting the door on psychiatric intervention completely. I, of all people, know how unbearable the depths can be, and I don't think I'd cross any potential solution that wasn't suicide off the list if it had even a minuscule chance of getting me out of them. But for now, I'm managing, and I'm learning how to cope with emotions I've been told to just medicate out since I was eleven. It's hell sometimes—I'm finding that a lot of regrets and resentments from the past emerge, and with them some pretty intense sadness—but the feeling fade so quickly, and I think the biggest change is that I'm not afraid of them anymore. I used to think I was bound to kill myself, because therapists and doctors and parents warned that I would without treatment. But now, I'm more comfortable knowing that I am not in danger like that, and that when I start sliding downward emotionally/mentally, there are signs that I can pick up on much sooner than I used to.

Basically, I know I'm going to be okay. That's the baseline I had to find out. Now, I'm working on learning how to excel. Absolutely key to that has been cutting off the hours and hours I was spending online (forums, news sites, binge-watching TV shows... my eyes were on a screen seemingly half of my waking life!), so I'm gonna re-abandon this for a while, and maybe check in again at another time. Hopefully with even greater progress to report.