Quote:
Originally Posted by ScreaminAsian
who the **** are you to be embarrassed to post stuff? the prince of belgium?? reading your trial and error sounds like an interesting concept, and there are already plenty of bragblogs and they always end up starved for content. a blog following constant failure.. now THAT has legs.
So, I put my feet on the floor for the first time today at about 6:00 p.m. I kept waking up before that, but I'd just groan internally at the thought of what I needed to do, and I'd force myself back into unconsciousness. When I finally got up though, I realized it was Monday, not Tuesday, and I felt this twinge of optimism at the idea that there is still time to get finished what I need by Friday.
One of the weird parts of my depression is the level of irritability that comes with it. I went downstairs to make what would appear to a normal human to be supper, but to me was breakfast, and my roommate was curled up on the couch, watching TV. She exclaimed that she was happy to see me, and made a joke about me "being alive" or something (which a few people have been doing lately, and annoys the **** out of me every time because it's embarrassing [as it should be]). She started going on and on about how she never sees me, and about how I never talk to her and we never hang out—ostensibly kind things to say, as they're an expression of a desire to get to know me better—but all I heard was nagging, and just this waterboard-like drip-drip-drip, reminding me of how abnormal my behavior is and what a failure of a friend I've been.
Three times more today, I've felt a similar irritation at what were simply gestures of kindness as family or friends reached out to say hey. I have done my best to respond politely to people, and to do it in a way that indicates I appreciate their love, but I can't shake this ****ty, monstrous feeling that hides beneath my responses. I just want to lash out and snap at people to
leave me the **** alone and to let me BE for a while. STOP CHECKING ON ME. STOP LOVING ME. Stop cheerily asking how studying is going. IT SUCKS. Stop asking if I'm getting my **** done. NO, I'M NOT.
/temper tantrum. (I hope it's clear that I understand how irrational and privileged what I've written is. Just venting.)
I have a paper I'm actually kind of excited to write, so I'm going to work on it for a bit.