i’m glad that there’s now a place on these forums where i can finally express myself without heavy self-censorship due to my constantly considering the thoughts and feelings of others. at last i have a place to freely post my deepest darkest thoughts secure in the knowledge that no one will ever read them. not one person, ever.


note to future self:
i’m so close to reaching 1000 hours played on civilization 5 that even though i promised i was gonna get my life together starting august 1st i’ll just play all day every day like i’ve been doing until i hit 1000 hours, THEN i’ll get my life together. this way, everything, you know,


frivolous **** to buy when doj pays me back:
-new suit
-new watch
-a motorcycle
-motorcycle riding classes
-viktor blom haircut
-spraypaint and stencils
-new guts for the office pc
-autographer
-4k tv
-a quadcopter drone that i could affix a gopro to
-lego architecture studio
-a kegerator
-more guns
-nike air force 1s with the throwback colors

frivolous **** to buy when doj pays me back:
-a dog, which i will OWN, and which i will be a GOD to.


potential new dog names:
-avon barksdale
-david bowie

I am so stealing this idea.

note to future self:

create star trek fan fiction where the holodeck malfunctions and riker ends up accidentally having sex with the self-aware professor moriarty simulation.

note to future self:

sundays need to stop blending into tuesday mornings if i'm going to start convincing anyone i'm a functional member of society. although i am getting pretty good at prison architect and i rewatched seasons 4-6 of star trek the next generation, i neglected to make progress on my civilization 5 goal. definitely get my life together this week. next monday at maximum.


thoughts on star trek the next generation:
-tasha yar is boring. stop rewatching those episodes, there's nothing to them, those fans are stupid.
-why didn't they make a spinoff following Q? guaranteed 22 seasons at least. he's an intergalactic frasier crane.
-they say doodie a lot, even when they mean something else. curious.

URGENT note to future self:

find out if there exists such a thing as a spider store nearby.

tl;dr

i didn't set an alarm and i ended up sleeping for over 15 hours. something in me must have known big news was coming. sure enough, bovada check came. EMERGENCY PREPARATIONS FOR SPA VACATION HAVE BEGUN

I am proud of you SA

prepping my upstairs bathroom to reach even defcon 4 spa levels has been a task. the place was a mess. general supplies were looted. dried vomit and pubic hairs left everywhere, no jerky in the minifridge, VERY little cocaine... in short: a shambles. if i'm to spend the next 4 days locked in there on my journey to the astrobase it'll take more than just elbow grease. and i need this vacation, my body and mind ache for relief.. but i must press on.

a thorough explanation of the defcon levels as of today in case i one day get sudden amnesia and have to start over.

defcon 5: minimal supply stores, ipads and phone, best time: 20 hours, explanation needed: none

defcon 4: 0 to 2 servings of a protein and carb, laptop ipads and phone, best time: 28 hours. explanation needed: playing a local poker tournament.

defcon 3: 1/2 lb jerky and one bag kings hawaiian rolls, 2 dozen cans red bull, laptop cinema display ipads and phone, best time: 50 hours. explanation needed: camping up north

defcon 2: half dozen bolthouse protein plus chocolate smoothies one bag crunchy breadsticks 4 dozen fiber 1 bars, 4 dozen cans red bull, pc tower with monitor laptop ipads phone 32” tv and xbox, best time: 120 hours. explanation needed: european poker tour event.

defcon 1: dozen bolthouse protein plus chocolate smoothies, 100 packages cup ramen, 10 dozen fiber 1 bars, microwave oven, pc tower with monitor laptop ipads phone and tv and xbox, best time: UNTESTED. explanation needed: visiting a wealthy woman whom i met online and who lives in california. she’s divorced.

Captain's Log:

blastoff will commence as soon as the refueling party arrives.

0000-0900: played Don't Starve while pretending to be tylertwo, but with liberal use of both pause button and whiskey.

0900-1430: unconscious

1430-1432: hygiene

1500-1505: lunch

1505-1745: dedicated internet browsing

1800-2000: launch pad final inspection

refueling party 2000-????

Reading

Captain's Log

ended up watching godfather 1 and 2 twice last night with the refueling party and forgot about the whole astrobase spa thing until a couple minutes ago sooooo blastoff

Captain's Blog: stardate august tenth

before i remembered about the mission i was wandering the grounds of my palatial estate observing the local wildlife when i came across what appeared to me to be a native agave fruit.


and upon closer inspection, i saw it had bloomed several telltale agave peppers.


and after wandering about the grounds a few hours longer it occurred to me: we're over 2000 miles from the mohave desert and don't they make the tequila out of the leaves? where do the peppers come in? what am i thinking of? and THEN it occurred to me that maybe the peppers might be toxic. but maybe just the right kind of toxic to where i can have a spirit quest which would be PERFECT for a spa vacation. and how did the native midwesterners live every day? by eating any damn thing that looks suspicious and trying to get on another spirit quest cause they didn't have tv or internet so you know that **** was horrible.

but of course there's always the chance when eating things that can grow despite the massive amount of pesticides i rain down on this place, that the plant is stronger than i am and that's why i'm posting these pictures in my private blog: in hopes that whatever team dr house has working for him manages to break into my house, crack the encryption on my laptop, find the hidden partition and break the double encryption on THAT, read my blog and diagnose my ass just in the nick of time. **** yeah!

That is def not the heralded agave. Looks like the plant that my wife said gave her gonorrhea.

Captain's Blog: stardate: day 1 still

the Mark 9000 escape capsule is a testament to the ingenuity and creativity of its designer: me.

leaving earth's reality for extended periods of time can be hazardous, and as charlie sheen will tell you and as whitney houston WOULD tell you, venturing deep into that abyss is best done, from bathrooms. and my design emulates and improves upon that of the ordinary bathroom brilliantly. this design schematic has been submitted for patent application so i assume it will only be a matter of days before the kill squads start coming after me to steal the idea. so in order to keep my designs secret from prying eyes or anyone slightly curious, i'll post it here.

note to future self:

the justice league of america was whites only until 1994. use this against someone in an internet argument.

This is gold, gl SA

Captain's Blog: stardate: 81013.7+9


i was leaving motor city casino just before 3am last saturday. i like to park way way out in the back on the top level cause walking is great exercise and it's beautiful out and i'm often quite phased so being able to stare at a night sky no matter how light polluted is always nice. anyway i'm walking out to my car and i don't really see my car but i know it's this direction so i keep going and i see there's like a smaller sized suv parked right ****in next to my car, way out in the middle of nowhere, and there's some people in there laughing and going NUTS. and there's nothing going on so i'm walking towards them and looking at them and i catch eyes with the lady in the driver's seat and i'm already smiling cause i'm a generally happy person and she smiles at me so i smile and give her a friendly wave. so as i'm walking right up past the suv the side door opens and a dude comes out, he's probably 30s or 40s, he's smilin, i shoot a smile right ****in back at him, he puts his arm out in friendship, i'm like "awesome, he's friendly" and we embrace in a one-armed brohug and he's clearly intoxicated and he comes out with, "i just got outta jackson 4 days ago i was up there for 8 years". relieved after finding out he's reformed, i give him my sincere congratulations. he then tells me he's with his wife and i squeeze in another quick congratulations and he kindly asked if i could spare a couple dollars for gas money and i said it would be a pleasure to help a fellow traveler, whip out my [NAME BRAND] wallet that is literally bursting open it's so packed with hundred dollar bills, counted out 4 singles and said "here ya go man, take it easy, have fun." biggest tip i gave that night, too.


if i were to build a realistic version of myself in an rpg, specifically the character build from Fallout: New Vegas, it'd go something exactly like this:

strength:1
perception:4
endurance:2
charisma:10
intelligence:1
agility:7
luck:10

every single jam i've gotten myself out of, or achievement i've gotten myself into, in my whole life, can all largely be attributed to my luck charisma or agility. i honestly can't think of a single problem i've ever solved with either brains OR brawn, maybe that's part of it. every time i've ever really needed to get out of a dui or get into a vagina or quickly regain my balance on a very high ledge it's just kind of... happened. i've been effectively retired for the last 2 and a half years and i'm somehow doing better than ever. i own a robot butler now. it cleans the lower level autonomously on its own schedule and i just have to empty its bin into a larger bin. cheers to the future, i predict easy sailing for at least me.

note to future self:

m**** and f**** confirmed the backstreet boys concert at dte was completely packed with hot drunk girls in their early 20s. figure out some way to use this information while still avoiding the music of the backstreet boys.

note to future self:

preorder europa universalis 4 and invent a new kind of television the size and shape of a 9-man poker table, where sports games will be projected as 3d holograms so people can walk around and lean in and our heroes will be tiny Lilliputians that we can admire or disregard at our leisure. also make it be able to zoom in and out on bits using minority report hand gestures.