captain's blog: stardate 81013.7+30

had an epiphany and finally understood conservative slippery slope theory while contemplating using a soft bristle toothbrush that I was going to throw out anyway to give my butthole a one-time deluxe treatment.

captain's blog: stardate 81013.7+31

top 5 reasons why i am an exceptional leader:

1. i stay cool under pressure
2. i'm super humble
3. i NEVER give up
4. i do NOT accept ANY compromise to my vision
5. all my friends say i'm the most ruthless person they've ever met.

and i've made some ruthless friends. this one guy we used to know around here, we called him vegas cause he said he was from vegas. well he used to play in the underground circuit and he hosted some games at his house a few times. well as time goes by he gets to know everybody he starts racking up debt with everybody and eventually it gets to a point where these scumbag underground poker players and gamblers had to give vegas an intervention on his gambling problem, and to try to get him a straight job and a payment plan cause **** had seriously gotten ridiculous.

and he apologized up and down and said he was gonna make it right: he was gonna host games at his place and his creditors would each get a piece of the rake after each game until everybody's happy. and it was like a 2 bedroom in the suburbs and he and his girlfriend had been living there for over a year so we're like alright.

first game it's a 2/5 and the game's rolling and it gets around midnight and there's over 10k on the table and vegas says he's gonna pop out to grab the pizzas and smore beers we're like alright, his girlfriend is there, we're in his house, we'll be here. few hours go by, people wanna cash out, start calling him, game breaks, vegas has the bank and he's gone, his girlfriend is still home, people wait till after dawn breaks and just leave, without ever hearing from him again.

he moved out (back?) to vegas and i saw him when i was there for the wsop. he was at the bar at the palms and i'm like wtf vegas? and he was obv zooted and really happy to see someone he recognized and we started talking, and he was bragging to me about all his scams he's got goin, he goes "yo check this out: you look for a guy dressed up by himself, he's lookin to start talkin to a girl, right, keep an eye on him cause he's gonna get his drink and he won't be payin attention when BAM" and he's just ****in yanking drinks off the bar and people's tables openly, and we're walking around and he's ranting and pointing to people around us-- "HE'S a mark! HE'S a mark! SHE'S a mark!". my mind was gettin blown. how was this happening? isn't something in society supposed to stop this? was i supposed to stop this? i had encountered this kind of viewpoint in my poker studies, but i had never seen a hyperlag scumbag (scumlag?) out in meatspace like that, and as soon as i could imagine david attenborough's voice in my head narrating what was going on around me i knew i was in deep.

to be continued

note to future self:

somehow combine



with



or find out who i have to pay to make it happen

http://fiverr.com/gigs/search?utf8=%...99912_1_auto=1

Maybe Q will make an appearance in the new Star Trek: Captain Worf series

Also, maybe put a 'Holodeck' sign on the bathroom door and just pretend it's the defcon spa bathroom of your dreams.

So wait, he was just swiping peoples drinks and sticking around? What a hobo. Y U hang with hobos, op?

love this blog

captain's blog: stardate 81013.7+47

during the evening i woke up completely disoriented in a cold bath and almost broke containment. i was able to regain my composure by running in place followed by hot shower followed by jumping jacks followed by cooldown. to prevent such a disaster from occurring in the future i resealed the entrance with soaking wet towels and self-administered a dose of dramamine. SHOWERS ONLY until we reach the astrobase.

Standard or golden?

Forgive me, I'm an astrotravel noob.

I'm enjoying your blog very much, even though most of the stuff I have never heard of before, lol. It reminds me that we live in different worlds...

I'm still working on learning my smartphone. By the time I'm ninety, I should have it!

note to future self:

figure out a way to watch The Newsroom where every scene doesn't have one character mumbling all their lines. watching episodes multiple times doesn't help. turning up the volume and rewinding doesn't help cause i end up rewinding almost everything i just watched. the end result? i'm more familiar with old news than ever before, and olivia munn's boyfriend is a JERK. why can't she find a man exactly like me? whose sensations i can experience fully from the safety of my upstairs bathroom?

captain's blog

space-age tempurpedic techology makes me forget ALL ABOUT getting my life together. definitely tomorrow. crack of dawn tomorrow.

note to future self:

make money off of all the fat people by writing a weight loss book. people come up to me all the time and say "ScreaminAsian, i've never met anyone who spends 16+ hours a day on the computer without a job or a hobby or any purpose at all, who's so freakishly thin!"

well it's no surprise, really. it all comes down to clever mix of mental fortitude, eating one meal a day, and constantly flying into random fits of blind shadow-kickboxing (the most optimal way to discourage anyone who could be spying on me with heat vision cameras from ever being foolish enough to try to sneak up on me).

There is much more money to be made from fatties by selling deep fried ________ on a stick. Fat people eat. They never read because it is difficult to eat and read when you are really into the food, and fat people are always into their food.

frivolous **** to buy when doj pays me back:

a million tokens on the myfreecams


it's not just girls fudding themselves all day, either. i mean you've got it, it's a moneymaker, but these bitches are sitting at home making cash same as i am, and some of em figured out you gotta do a show cause nobody wants to watch a boring bitch NOBODY and that includes superhigh people who've already watched the wire all the way through this month, and time is money you gotta put the hours in we all know that.

so some girls will do a raffle, some will spin a wheel with stuff on it, this one girl just set her cam up in the backyard and did her yardwork, for like 3 hours, lawn garden everything, another one was pouring buckets of icewater on herself, i was watching one where there were these 2 girls just kind chatting to themselves and the audience i guess and so i did a rare thing and unmuted them, and they were talking about like, some internet package in california that's like better than a T1 line that they were geeking over and i was like "wow, these girls really aren't that different." and then, one of them goes, in response to someone in the chatroom "yeah, i sell panties. ziplock bag, yep. i fedex it." and then i'm like, "wow, i really shouldn't leave them unmuted that long". and i often find myself curious as to what exactly these bitches are up to, and i mean it's a click away why not, and then i'm sucked in.

While she was with G4 I got to work a few shows with Olivia shot at the Hard Rock Swimming Pool. No idea what the show was about. Too busy observing her in various swimming attire.

frivolous **** to buy when doj pays me back:

a hand drill with a bit that can drill into steel so I can lighten a bench press bar because I want to start bench pressing amounts of weight because I've always secretly envied manly men who brag about bench pressing high numbers of weight, even though I always made fun of them and picked on them throughout high school.

and a bench press bar, a braggable amount of weight, a bench, and I assume something to press the weight up against.

and an automatic pressing machine, and more vicodin

note to future self:

ever since i stopped snorting heroin i have been absolutely SICK of the crime in this city. cold sweats, nausea, constantly itching all over, a FIFTEEN THOUSAND DOLLAR REWARD for information leading to the arrest of a cashier-murderer.. me and my buddy dougie have reached our respective breaking points, and the only choice we have is to form a crime-solving/fighting duo, whichever one has guns, cause i've already got access to untraceable guns and dougie agrees we'd be way more effective if we both had guns so we're just gonna, you know, find out what we'll get paid the most to do and just do that. but we're good guys.

look, i'm not saying it won't be a difficult balancing act, trying to stay good guys while figuring out this whole 'rogue vigilante' thing by ourselves, but if television has taught me anything, that adversity will end up being half the fun.

potential crime-stopping duo duo-names:

Bread & Butter

Flash & Cash

Dougie & The Mustache (dougie would wear the mustache and i would be more of a surprise element in this duo)

Fish & Chips

solo nicknames just for myself:

The Jackal

i'm gonna go with Fish & Chips, because we're both poker players, and we can have an ongoing argument about who's Fish and who's Chips that could last the whole series. BOOM, comic relief. this vigilante **** is too easy...

million dollar ideas:

thomas magnum wearing a baseball cap with a picture of thomas magnum wearing that same baseball cap on his baseball cap, into infinity.

frivolous **** to buy when doj pays me back:

full body tattoo

xbox one

Was she naked?

no! she wasn't even dressed hot! that was what was so crazy!

my mind was blown wrt to the potential for the medium and please stop reading my private blog. i'm planning on posting a lot of really interesting, really private stuff in here and some of it will be so embarrassing that i'll be absolutely destroyed if anybody ever read it.

frivolous **** to buy when doj pays me back:

complete 3-piece 3D synthetic ghillie suit

I won't read a single word of it