Let's just start with what shames me the most. After a suicide attempt I was sure was gonna succeed, I panicked and went missing (that sounds weird to me, because I knew where I was at all times). A week later I was at a computer in a public library and made the mistake of googling my own name. I found that my father had set up a website devoted to finding me. I decided to phone my family to tell them I was still alive and doing okay (only one of those was a lie). I bought a flip phone (did you know they still sold those in 2013?) with a pre-paid sim card. The library computer taught me how to call anonymously (and even if it didn't, it wouldn't have really mattered as the phone was off any time I wasn't using it). So I called, and the person answering was my 5 years younger sister. She was home alone. I told her I was alive and doing okay and she didn't know how to respond. She felt like she should say something to make things better, but she didn't know what. Putting her in that position is the thing I'm ashamed of the most. A close second is the time I let someone witness the moment I committed self harm, but that is another story for another time.

Sorry for the wall of text.

How are you feeling now? As though you don’t want to exist? Age?

How long ago was this?


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I once finished an email by stating: "I believe that the only thing that truly belongs to anyone, is their life. As such, I have the right to decide I want to end mine, but I do not have the right to decide this for anyone else."

The intention of that mail was to convey the message that I wasn't a threat to anybody, but it was interpreted as a farewell message. Let's be clear, a farewell message that people will read before you end it all is plainly stupid. I once had a therapist ask me "will you tell me if you feel the desire to kill yourself?" and I replied "of course not, that might interfere with what I want to achieve". (I have to admit though that I am guilty of this to a certain degree, but only because I was fairly sure no one would notice. The thing was that at the end of the day at work I changed "have a nice evening, see you tomorrow" to "have a nice evening") So anyway, I sent that email around midnight and went to bed straight after. At around 3 A.M. 3 police officers came bursting in my room (I lived in a dormitory and someone let them in and I never locked my door (I did afterwards)). I'm still not sure how I managed to talk them out of taking me to a psych ward given that I was very sleepy, very drunk, had clearly committed self-harm that evening and had a lot of empty beer cans in my room (I never claimed to be doing particularly well at that point in time).
Now, I stated previously that I wouldn't give a warning if I was gonna kill myself, but even if I did, sending cops to me 3 hours after the fact might at most recover a body. It still bothers me to this day that they sent the cops without at the very least trying to contact me. Like, they could have still contacted them while at the same time asking for an explanation/trying to talk me down if the worst scenario turned out to be true.

As To Josie's last question; when I mentioned 2013, I was talking about the year 2013 in the Gregorian calendar. If this seems like the kind of answer an ******* might give, well that's because I'm an *******.

I remember being suicidal....

The only thing that kept me from fulfilling it was the thought: "This is the route that no one can take from you. You can go it any time. But at the same time this is the route that takes from you all other options. So you might as well postpone it a day or two. " I am not suicidal any more.

glad that you are writing here. It is a good place for such stuff.

^ Let me play devil's advocate because my own suicidality is at an all-time high (not at a level that would warrant medical intervention, though).

Imagine the extreme case when a selfish defendant knows for sure they're going to be sentenced to life without parole, in a prison system where abuse is common and life conditions are horrible, but by mistake, the belt hasn't been taken away from them, and the cell isn't being observed for the moment. Would you still advise them to serve the term instead of seizing the likely last opportunity to avoid serving it? Why?

Dark Side...

You know that it is enough to tell me and **** to go away if you don't want this talk here. It is your blog and you can have it entirely like you want it.

****

Clearly serve the term,

Plain because even if the belt will be taken away you always have the opportunity to take your life. I mean.... you can clearly construct a situation where someone is put on such a strong medication that he isn't in his core being himself any more and as consequence isn't able to take his life. I would argue here that in this case what is normally a goal of the suicide: annihilation of the person, has been achieved.

Since we construct an artificial situation we can even impose the rule that your suicide in the prison in the future will 100 % certain be prevented. I still vote for no suicide right now because with committing the suicide you limit your experience to one : death. With continuing to live you add to it a variety of suffering and hope for an amnesty. And more various experiences is better.

Hey smart ass, how about answering my other question? How are you feeling now? scale of 1-10 with 10 being a suicide attempt.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain that you're considering suicide. I hope you find some sort of comfort soon, even it's from an internet forum.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is keep busy...exercising, reading, learning. Work on yourself, body, mind and soul. Do one good thing for yourself every day. You really need to love yourself and that starts by being good to yourself.

Also where are you from?

Do you work? I fear you're locked up at home every day staring at the 4 walls or a computer screen like ****. That is the prime environment for depression to thrive.

Okay now answer my questions without referring to the gregorian calendar or the year 2013 that I missed.

Getting a job is hard for anyone; getting a job when the first google page for your name shows local newspaper articles about the time you went missing, really kicks it up to expert level. Maybe I should ask Nima if he could recommend some fiverr guys.

Anyway, it's not all bad. I'm not currently suicidal (I tried to make that clear through the title). Blog entries here are typed when I've drunk too much and am reminiscing about the bad old days. As for the a/s/l; 30/m/Netherlands.

Wow! Hard stuff but I perfectly understand you. I´m two times suicide attempt survivor with bipolar disorder type 2. Not suicidal anymore either.

Why did you want to die?

I should probably explain what the purpose of this blog isn't.

It is not looking for advice. Over the years there have been professionals giving me advise about my situation. Their effectiveness is a contentious issue; but it is probably better than any well intentioned but ill informed advice I might receive here.

It is also not intended to be a "woe is me" type of story. I was born in the last quarter of the 20th century, in a functional, loving family, in a first world country, without any physical deficiencies. Historically speaking, I am a one-percenter. I have been given all the tools to succeed and the failure to do so lies with me and me alone.

So then what is the purpose of this blog? Well, perhaps people who might feel similar might not feel so alone. Perhaps giving some highlights of a mostly boring life might make for an interesting read.

Finally, should I abandon this blog, it I probably not because I killed myself, but rather because I got embarrassed about things I admitted here.

As to Primrose's question: It was primarily that I couldn't find a reason to continue living, but I could find something I didn't want people to find out while I was alive.

Going forwards, methods of suicide attempts might be mentioned. I am note sure what the rules are over here (though the fact that I am typing this post is a testament of just how effective my methods were). As I have stated in a previous post, I believe that anyone has the right to choose to end their lives and as such I have no qualms about disclosing methods. Also, a ban on discussing methods implies that the enforcer thinks that the audience can't Google for ****. If no response is made to this post, I'll assume that well known methods (requires a rope) are okay to mention, but more obscure methods (requires a certain party item) aren't.

Please do not discuss methods of suicide.

Thank you.

darkside, keep on bloggin'. Haven't been that well balanced the whole life myself (without getting into details). Anyhow probably little is your fault. It's the genes. We happened to become the ones we are. The option is to accept and maybe even doing something with what's given.

darkside, there is no reason to be embarrassed! Thank you for speaking out. You are not the only one who attempted suicide and I think it´s important to talk about it because it is REAL! But I agree with Mike, talking about methods can be extremely triggering, especially for people who are not so stable at the moment.

So, my grandmother died early Sunday morning. Today I binged season 5 of Bojack Horseman and it is just surreal that one episode is just a single eulogy about a character who died from Alzheimer's. There was like 36 hours between the release of those episodes and her death. I don't know what to make of that, but I know it's got me thinking/drinking.

Sorry for your loss.

We make those associations, part of who we are. They are associated maybe only for us but real anyhow. Then there are the objective associations.

I don't live for myself.

It may sound stupid, but I just figured it out. It may be parents, or it may be an employer, or it may be a study group. I'll do what I can not to disappoint them. But when there is no external party to "not disappoint", I'll always disappoint myself. I'll simply stay in bed for 14 hours and not do anything (that even resembles anything) productive for the remaining 10.

Bringing it back to this thread's title, I don't like being alive. But just as I don't live for myself, I also don't end it for myself. There's suffering I don't want to cause in others, so I'll just carry on.

****, I thought I might reach some enlightened message here. Anyway, maybe listen to "Time" by Pink Floyd.

Think "I'm valuable" one hour a day. It's a bit like when they tell you you to smile, which in itself can make you happier. The trick is to do it little by little, so the contrast to "the real state of things" isn't too big. Fool yourself just a little bit, in the desired direction.

Oh that´s so sad! I´m sorry for your loss.

I know exactly how you feel, oh, how well I know those thoughts: "I not alive for myself but for others". But that´s not you! That´s the disease! Even though I´m a mental patient myself, it´s hard to say the right thing. When I was in that mental state I always told myself: "If you do IT, you will never know what happens next in life - maybe something good?" I am just too curious what will happen in my life so I didn´t do it. When it got very bad, I promised myself not to do it in the next 3 months, to give myself a chance and to get help.

But the most important thing for you now is to GET HELP! Go and get professional help because there is help, there is hope and you gotta give life a chance.

It is not the worst thing to live for someone else. If it works it is totally legitimate way to deal with life. Clearly the key thing is "if it works".

I so remember how hard was just to get out of bed when depressed. What helped a little bit is to chop the action in very small pieces. Like: now I will put the right foot on the floor. OK it is progress. Now the left foot. Now just sit on my bed....

Are you on any medication now? Do you have a pet?

Yeah, we discussed it in the "Depression" thread: setting small goals, small tasks. It really helps.

So, I've recently started self-harming myself again. In a happy coincidence (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere) we've reached the period where long sleeves are appropriate.

The most positive I'll probably be in this thread is the thought "I don't think I can think of a reason why 'being' might be a good thing, but if I kill myself, I can be sure I won't."

As to lapka's question: I have a couple of guinea pigs that I acquired with the specif goal of having to be there for them at times.

With regards to the small steps thing; I once attended a bi-weekly group where we had to start by saying something positive about the last 14 days. I really hated that. To have to say "wow, this utterly insignificant thing was the best thing that has happened to me" just reinforced the fact that there is nothing going on in my life.

That doesn´t sound good!

Do you get professional help? Any treatment?

I would! Urgently!

You are in a tough place. We all, if honest, have or should have difficulties to see objective reasons. So it's about mindset. But if trying to correct the mindset feels ridiculous, there you are. But 1-2 years it could feel different.

Between the ages of around 18 to 24, I had a fungal infection in the genital area. Though there was a lot of scratching and pointing a way-too-hot shower-head to the infected area, there was one upside; I could blame my not-attempting-to-establish-a-romantic-relationship, on the fact that it would fall apart the minute she would expect me to drop my pants. Ever since that issue has been resolved, I've had to face the facts and blame it on me being a socially awkward weirdo.