Anxiety levels were above 90% from mid December through March. I think seasonal affective exacerbated only slightly, this was the doing of a drug and an old disease I’m still working through.

I reached a new apex (mountain top) right before that, and did two things with my brain that I didn’t think were possibilities. One a simulation, the other a rapid multi-task. Heuristics have been steadily developing over time and that’s starting to continue again as well.

If I can ease back into my peak the sky will not be able to limit me. I’m going to write a post about what anxiety feels like...it’s been frustrating to say that I have anxiety and be met with “what are you anxious about?” when it’s primarily a physical thing. Erratic thinking is extraneous and follows a yield, the main culprit is far nastier. I don’t really blame people for not understanding mental illness anymore.

Before the spell (episode) I was riding a frightening monolithic parabola. Fear of heights, I was very worried about crashing down. I kept reminding myself about the virtues of calculus, that the limit had always been pointing up, and that I was going to continue recovering.

There was a crash, but it wasn’t that bad. Hopefully things may continue.

i've been mostly in bed since friday. depression sucks. headaches, anxiety. very low self worth. fearful of the future.

i thought it was getting better. been wrong on that a dozen times previously. back to disconnecting and weak meditation.

i may use this 2nd page to whine incessantly and post things that make me happy. i must be painfully predictable by now.

this is okay

really confident and good

this guy knows how to live

maybe not. this is the craziest thing i've ever seen

yes we can

the world is too advanced for me

back to sleep. (i am useless ****head)

I'm so effed up that letting my eyes wander across the land of 2p2 while drunkenly putting together words and phrases feels uplifting. I don't feel that way about other forums. I have a feeling there is a lengthy mod-note attached to my account, something like **warning: do not respond to for muppet certainty + numerous citations**, charming like a home video of being an idiot. I probably would not read old posts (or AIM convos, yikes) I've made for fun, and I certainly can't defend them.

I actually like Larry & Alobar, and all of the admin. They are exclusively the smartest and toughest guys on this forum, so I sort of write off my indecency as 'punching upward', but it's still not exemplary - they both post well, writing them off is merit-less to a greater good.

someday this blog will be like visiting joshua tree. peons will argue whether it is best read front to back, bottom to top, or on mushrooms. there's a scene in Freaks & Geeks where a hippie bemoans having already listened to American Beauty before to an aspiring deadhead virgin. "I'm jealous that you get to experience it for the first time." is how this written field of daisies probably won't will definitely be remembered.

D1G1TAL FOX

mercurial. interesting cat. omnipresent bbv'er. quite peculiar, always on the run.

i suspect there are 'fun' accounts passed between talented writers. in the olden days women were shared by members of a tribe to promote unity. i believe a similar idea would be useful on forums - the shared accounts create an extra layer of dynamics, and have an attractive supernatural charisma.

a few of Fox's posts have piqued my interest. luckily i'm mostly dead inside and am hardly curious. i wonder why he keeps getting banned?

*Sucky, whiny, and rambling honesty: Keep scrolling*

Today I woke up feeling hollow. Like a barrel leaking water onto carpet, I wondered how I could regather myself -- settling on evaporation and the water cycle.

I slept through my 7:20 alarm, and subsequent 10:20 alarm. I haven' worked since Thursday and have no memory of the last shower I took.

They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I tried to think of when I last felt this weak and couldn't, it's been a long time since I've been very depressed. 10 years ago it was a different animal, very motivating. Back then the amplitude was much greater, there was nothing I could do, and it lasted for months/years. I remember describing it to a friend, saying that normal brains are like elevators going between floor 1 and 10, covering how sad and happy one could possibly feel. My elevator goes down into the negative thousands, oftentimes frozen solid.

This is better. I can 'almost' sleep it off or think my way out of it. Obviously I truly can't or else I wouldn't be writing this post.

Today I will bathe, go for a walk in painless 50-degree weather, and put in 3 hours at the easiest and most rewarding gig I've ever had. The job is what elderly people might be doing in the future, I should be able to do it while symptomatic.

Holy ****.

What a dumb ****ing beast.

But a beast nonetheless.

#HaveAGoodDay

. . .

i lost a spectacularly crappy post! cliffs - Gman is god, his podcast with Joey belongs in the Smithsonian and should be on a 24-hour loop some place in the world, depression sucks, my attention span is short, and darkness is impermanent.

i'm totally fogged out right now.

Ahhh You Think Darkness is Your alley, . . .

You Have Many options in life, Never have to work for anyone You don't want . . . . Anyone Can and I've been there, much rather say F You Job and then Start on What I am going to do with My Live . . . .

. . .

A certified moron's uncertain quest to beat depression - Day 7

Day 1-5: catatonic
Day 6: Left bed at 2pm, took a shower, worked for 3 hours, saw a friend, lost an abysmal blog post from sheer luck. Felt gleefully distracted during the shift.


Today: Slept through one alarm. Up at 10am. Was on the fence about lying in bed, received an encouraging text that inspired me to force it.

Anxiety feels non existent currently. Depression is minimal, headaches sort of bad. I had a flashback to 12 years ago. I was sitting in my car with a girlfriend outside of my apartment. I was still experiencing an onset of symptoms (imo) and was very confused about what was happening to me. She told me depressed people might like being depressed, and compared it to carrying around a blanket (paraphrased). I was silent as usual, and didn't process her words for a couple of years (broken brain, literally), but I held resentment over how wrong her opinion was. It was like she thought I was either faking it or not truly sick.

Well, she ended up being right. Today my depression was minimal, yet I was still treating it as a severe thing. This might be common with depression - when it's bad, it's BAD, but there are moments when it's not absolutely terrible -- and from personal experience, I tend to treat it just the same. I was curled up in a blanket for no reason this morning. That genius woman's lessons are still resonating -- I truly hope I was her worst student.

Currently - I feel better having showered and dressed myself. Six hours of easy work sit on the horizon...seeing a friend during lunch time and then trying a Poke bowl for the first time with Mom for dinner.

I'm not sure where this thought is going, but reflecting on what I wrote above, assessing one's depression level seems important.

. . .

Keep on getting up everyday. Go for a walk and get some sun. Eat something half decent. Don't be a total hermit.

That's all I've got mate. Take care.

headaches are diminishing. maybe. they once took up the space of a 135-degree plane, now they cover around 60 degrees. everything feels more manageable. this is a good trend following months of uncertainty.

my determination to do exactly nothing until full health is still in play. i wish i had a scientist in my corner, but i’m flying solo.

How could you know?

Originally Posted by D1G1TALFOX
Because Your My Friend and Friends know each-other and are there for one another, Have a Great Day My Friend Friend . . .

I'm afraid of death. I let atheism and agnosticism alone in separate baskets. Maybe humans are of different frequency than other life. Perhaps there is a soul, maybe just one, fractured into 7B+ units...as a higher ordered being we could perceive the soul in it's full form; as a tiny human we have just our own to work with.


I think 'how we got here?' is more interesting than what happens next. Maybe the universe exists in a 1:1 ratio with each body of life. The motion of each atom led to our birth, one infinitesimal probability after the next. When you die, the universe ages to its death, and then everything disappears.

Maybe it's like staring into an infinite void. I discovered this while high and it was unsettling, but the concept of only experiencing the color pink for all eternity seemed punishing.

The optimist in me finds it peculiar that I get to be the top of the food chain. It seems a little bit too lucky.

I think it's possible that the human brain supports the supernatural. The arrangement of neurons in a correct pattern taps into a super-intelligence woven into the universe's fabric. Like how metal ions can cause magnetism.