feeling: trapped

living at home with mom is weighing on me. rents are selling the house and i've been keeping everything in top shape, while taking care of the dog during showings. lately her shouting has been about me not being helpful enough -- really unfortunate she feels this way.

i bought a vaporizer to kill the smell of weed, which it did, but sometimes there is a trace smell even when using it outside - it's completely gone by the time the house is shown - it also helps me sleep at night and not get hospitalized - but it doesn't stop her from waking me up to yell about it. she was even okay with weed recently before her life became more complicated. it's like she's grasping at straws to find an issue with me since becoming tidier. last night she came home from work - i was trying to sleep - 20mins later the dog (blind) pees on the floor. i hear her yell from downstairs about how that's my fault, but no thank you for the half dozen times i took him out earlier in the day.

now i have to remember to wear headphones around the house to keep her from picking fights with me. the worst part is she then resents me more for not talking to her. it's not a wonder where my low self esteem comes from.

I often feel the same with my mom, even living 600 km away. I don't have a good solution. The idea with headphones is totally creative , but.....

Just hugs.

edit: what helped me a little bit is the realization that the problem is not in me but in her. There is no way that I could ever satisfy my mom.

some say that love is made in the mind. thanks for the e-hug . *gives hug back*

. . .

True or false:

If a clock were large enough, in one full turn of its hands the universe could age to its death.

I've found meditation to be expansive over time with practice. At this current moment, I am of belief that at a point of centering myself, I'm able to let my mind roam free-range without paying much attention - retaining the value of being centered while ever present thoughts work themselves out without concerning me. It feels rewarding in a way that is energetic and also soothing and catabolic, while also feeling as though I'm floating upside-down rotating in cerebral dimensions.

I think online poker players can naturally relate to this. After a tiring session, it's natural to sit back and relax and not think about anything for a minute while things decompress. It wouldn't be possible to fit this in the 5-minute MTT window because that would interfere with getting high.

Hold'em with computer assistance as a bonus, or used a set number of times per match, could be a thing in the future. An example could be shown via heads up SNG. Each player, on a single postflop street, may one time activate the GTO switch and receive a solution for their hand. The challenge becomes employing it early in the match, or hoping to still be contesting later when it would be more valuable, or knowing your opponent could option to use it directly after you before the river, and of course picking spots where it has any value at all! (e.g. when your opponent is not planning to fold to any bet.)


Eta - Dnegs may opine if he wishes -- instead of raising rake to improve game quality, how about offering GTO-solve-tokens to players in proportion to how much they lose?

This blog is like, a collection of attempts to cope within a realm of altered states written not very well. I don't feel it serves an outward purpose and am pressing it out of existence.

Addendum

Mr. Feynman
Mr. da Vinci
Mr. Fischer
Mr. Turing
Mrs. Plato; Mrs. Sklansky; Mrs. Osipov (The Moms)
Vivaldi; Mr. Bach
Mr. Nakamura; Levon; Carlsen; MVL; Ms. Yifan; Ms. Polgar
Thom Yorke
Jim Carrey
Dali
Mr. King
Mr. and Mrs. John Nash
Mr. Ivey; Mr. Adams; Mr. Chen; Mr. Schulman; Mr. PA; Mrs. Andersen
Mr. Legend; Mr. Devil; Greg
Mr. Picasso
Mr. GB; Mr. JF; Mr. AD
Mr. Martin Shkreli; Mr. Karpov
Mr. McLovin
Ike; Galfond
Mr. Baldwin; Mr. Malmuth
Mr. Jimmy Page
I.S.
Mr. Pop; Mr. Bell
Rivers; Sandler; Mr. Travis Barker

The Mind
Numbered His Stars
The Prophet
The Cleanup (Sadness, Cure)
The Angels
The Virtues
The Technicians (Utility Players)

*

magnum opus

....

Two suicide attempts in one week,
Did you consider how others would feel?
(Boy)
I'll make it beautiful for you anyway.

Lead with your heart
Bleeding and Beating
Being human is really tough.

Don't be too lonely when you're manic or depressed.

Quote:

Drying up in conversation You will be the one who cannot talk All your insides fall to pieces You just sit there wishing you could still make love They're the ones who'll hate you When you think you've got the world all sussed out They're the once who'll spit at you You'll be the one screaming out Oh, it's the best thing that you ever had The best thing you ever, ever had It's the best thing that you ever had The best thing you have had is gone away

Your guts are all you have.

Learn from your captors.

No more tears.

We passed upon the stair
We spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there
He said I was his friend
Which came as a surprise
I spoke into his eyes, "I thought you died alone
A long long time ago"

Oh no, not me
I never lost control
You're face to face
With the man who sold the world

I laughed and shook his hand
And made my way back home
I searched for form and land
For years and years I roamed
I gazed a gazely stare
At all the millions here
We must have died alone
A long long time ago

Who knows? not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With the man who sold the world

making the contemplation of truth and meaning a primary objective (emotionally speaking, there are so many great pursuits and outlets within my reach) has been as challenging as it's been rewarding. many of the conclusions reached have been sub-par, such is the task of being an imperfect human, but not without a fine amount of good thinking too. one of the better conclusions is that i deserve to be happy, but also that happiness can be earned and that i'm more than capable of doing so.

I had no intentions of producing word art in this blog after posting the Bowie lyric wormhole...a combination of mixed feelings. Satisfaction of a good collage, I grow to loathe most things of my doing in general - the individual scribbles being no exception: so why risk making it not good?

I subverted my own recovery in the beginning of December. People with troubling mental health as a rule need to take better care of themselves than the average person. I never follow that rule, and went full speed in reverse somehow running over my body and mind yet feeling no illness until receiving an injection of Haldol, which in 2013 left me feeling pretty bad for ~9 months and modestly bad until starting a 'healthy' regimen of medical pot. I felt different sensations from the medicine than previously, although being megadosed for a week seems a tad different than inducing just one night of sleep. Fun night I guess - police were involved again and I ended up lucky.

Several facets of my physical psyche were adjusted in unexpected ways - not all negatively. I don't think there exists a place in the world where I or anyone should necessarily be forthcoming about the inner workings of their mind, this being no exception. Things have definitely taken a turn for the different - a new general anxiety, and new headaches - a primary reason for re-opening this journal is I have unfinished business once again.

I think getting on a self-exclusion list from Haldol, or any drug, should be viable? We'll see.

*A New Vision of Apathy* (sarcastic fist pumps) is also unexpected and very difficult to describe. I've lost a lot of love for most of the music I used to listen to - been hanging on to Incubus and a few of the classics mostly. I've also lost most fascination with playing chess...on paper this looks A LOT like depression, yet I'm hitting home runs internally in ways that would have been ****ing impossible under all depression-diseases that I've personally known. I was using chess as a crutch anyway - perhaps playing 100s/1000s of thoughtless games per year wasn't entirely healthy, symptomatic of depression in itself.

I still find enjoyment in places, and occasionally get fits of laughter. A nice thing about isolation is not worrying about being too happy around miserable people. You're just not allowed to smile in public unprompted. I've been strumming along on a guitar semi regularly for the first time in a decade.

I downloaded Tetris 99 and can confirm I'm not that great with tetriminos and probably never was. I'm more concerned with neurons, anyway. And finding ways to deal with anger - another new symptom(!!!), this also being a red herring to a bigger problem. Anger makes me feel human. Crying makes me feel human. Bipolar does not.

That was a great post Tuma thank you for sharing.