I have always found the process of writing to be therapeutic, a way to organize my thoughts, to figure out what i really believe. What I feel.

SuitedJustice's excellent blog is a template.

40 year old fat single degenerate male.

was wallowing in self pity in Mexico then got a loan from a friend and live in seclusion and anonymity in some shithole flyover city in Middle America.

Have had few 100K/year jobs in Cannabis accessory business but burned every bridge and rendered myself unemployable.. have JD from top 30ish Law school in Midwest but no career prospects..

Weird skin disorder on forehead might be cancerous, red dots.. no health insurance, too inert to get anything checked out, and in my current mindset whether I live or die is immaterial so if its bad it is what it is..

Marginally winning Tournament Omaha Player on Bovada......... lean into poker more as don't have anything else going on..

decent handreader and intelligent 171LSAT but zero emotional control so could never beat poker despite being obsessed with the game since the boom 2004ish....

Degenerate gambler, lost job year ago had 40kish saved.. blasted it away on Internet Blackjack/nba parlays/ getting kicked off Air BNB with 5kish in credits they took from me..
i deserve it though, trash every place i stayed at...

Buddy of Mine who told me to buy ETH in 2016 at $7 which I obv ignored and blasted away on the NBA slate Loaned me $10,000, I used that to get a 6 month lease in shithole student housing where I am double their age and know no one.. a cautionary tale...

First Goal at this point is just to stay relatively level headed mentally and emotionally.

Managed to run up a small deposit on Iggy to $2000

Plan is play 2500 Omaha MTT and SNG *No HU vs obv bots who pwn me.

Target Profit is $11000 to repay the Loan+ Interest.

Hopefully the Act of doing this helps me grow as a person, even if it is to report that I failed at poker and the game has passed me by.

Part of Poker's appeal is to fix some sort of character defect that it is at our core... Like if we can make the river bet fold of the underfull and be right we will come to truly understand ourself and our role in this universe.

To give some structure to these ramblings. We are going to break this up into 25 Updates 100 Games per update.. But the Poker part of this challenge is almost extraneous to the real goal of documenting our human experience..

Whatever comes will come. Purity and Serenity and Mental toughness is the goal.

Thanks for the kind words, sickhuman!

I was in bad shape myself in my early 40's, physically and mentally. Then I took up writing again after a silent decade, and it saved my life. I've had several cycles of decay and renewal since then, but the writing has always been there for me. I'm glad that you took it up as well.

Thanks for the message sir.

The degenerate solitary life we have chosen or that has been thrust upon us by fate can be a little isolating writing is a good way to sort out your thoughts..

Been trying to grind my head off as promised, and had a little bit of success, got 3rd in a $55 hi lo tourney for $1200 to get this challenge and thread off to a good start and force me to keep hacking away, if I ran bad to start, I am sure I would have just abandoned this thread...

Have had absolutely abysmal mental fortitude while i am grinding, biting my arm hard enough to draw blood on a few occasions, not healthy by any means.

Its a thin line where you need to be somewhat tilted to even start playing because playing Poker on the internet is so painful and the insipid rage lurking constantly can boil to the surface so quickly..

keep trying to battle the bots at the $25 HU games and getting destroyed.. seems like the poker Gods punish you and you will run the worst when you are taking bad shots and playing games that you are not supposed to...

The Key is serenity and mental toughness and we are inching closer to that I guess but tough to defeat you inner demons and believe yourself worthy of good things.

Much Love to all my devoted readers.. sorry for the rambling disjointed thoughts...

Train was insta derailed.. gave back $750 of $1200 score..

Playing PLO like a deranged whale, clicking any four. not running well, dumped $350 there and then the rest playing MTT with super entitlement tilt..

Building huge stacks and dumping them.

Playing HU SNGS vs the bots and just getting owned destroyed tilting rage..

Can't beat the game of life if you don't have emotional control. figure it out.

Will reset whole Poker challenge aspect of this.. Bigger question is why when I win a 60/40 I accept it as fate and just but when I lose it I play worse on subseqent hands.. Rat in cage having to make X,XXX a week mentality not winner at life mentality..

Become Better.

To cleanse self. Will embark on a 7 day Water only fast starting at Midnight tonight.

No poker this week until Saturday Night. Take a few days off to reset your mind.

I am ahead in poker somehow despite this crippling rage destroying me. Build off that dont give in to the rage beat it....