i ****in totally agree with this. mushroom trips have changed my life for the better, they've reoriented my whole thinking, it's like being underwater and taking a look through a parascope. before mushrooms, i was just waiting for the right relatives to die so i could cash in and retire. and now: i don't give a ****, i just spend all day getting phased and playing videogames.

book a flight to peru asap

Yea that feeling coming back home busto and hungover to a stressful situation is the nut low. Pardon the poker reference. It's really bad. The most horrible part is if you win, your wife will just hoover it up like it never happened. So a loss isn't so bad

Arrrrg the wife man...that's so brutal. You have the patience of a saint. I would have fled to Peru by now. Next time tell her that you blew the liferoll on hookers and blow and she is going to have to get a job at 7-11.

ennui- a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

It's not often that I come across a word that I have never heard of before.

Who has time to watch all of these tv shows? I can only focus on one at a time! Right now it's Mad Men. I'm finishing season 5 and need to binge watch season 6 before season 7 premieres Sunday night! When did watching tv become so stressful? I know...I know you say to DVR it. But I want to be current. Constantly avoiding spoilers begins to take its toll after a while.

There is only so much a man can take!!!!

I have enough cold Heinekens for tonight. That is good.

I am hanging out at home with the kids this weekend. Wifey is having a bad time. Dealing with lady troubles. My son has his nose buried in his Nintendo DS3. My two year old is running around. I love my kids. They are the only pure happiness and joy I have in my life. They keep me from going over the edge.

If my blog is of any use to you guys just starting out in life. May I give you the following advice. If you are unattached and have any doubts about your mate. Run away. Wait until you have lived life and THEN get married. I got married when I was in law school. I was 26. Way too young. If I could do it over I would say wait till you're over 40 and marry a 28 year old. Also, if you have a dream. Be it being a poker player or doing something creative, risky or whatever. Take it from me....Just DO IT! You can always go back to school and have a conventional career.

Shout out to amusedlol. He is going for it. He is taking a chance on life. He is in a position to do so and I am rooting for him. Another shout out to wombat4hire for his support...thanks! Also MadMaxLV, I wish you the best brother. I identify with his struggles with alcohol. Sometimes booze/chemicals can be a relief. Sometimes they become a problem. I wish him well. And anyone else who has read this...thanks for reading. Life can be lonely and desperate sometimes. It is good to know that even though you feel like you are, you are not alone in your troubles. Thank you all.

And always remember that David Bowie rules all...

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e5rjNY8dMzc

You are not alone in your struggles. Thanks for the shout-out. This is my favorite blog now that Robin has given up. Haha BBV4L made fun of me for not realizing that "Man Who Sold the World" was a Bowie song. Damn, guess I'm just too much of a 90's purist. I never considered that one of Nirvana's best songs was a cover.

Nice update, the best post on the 2+2 forums today.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, I can't believe it's been 20 years since Kurt checked out. I really thought that was the start of something. The early 90s felt like they were the start but in hindsight it seems like the end.

This is the best cover they did, in my humble opinion...

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8mVYbQHVJsY&feature=kp

This is the original

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=blI2dXHyBj0&feature=kp

All right so this is what I do. Listen to music all night on you tube. Every one is asleep. I am reliving my youth. One of the best rock n roll performances in history is this...

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=c7xQ04nlePM

I am trying to narrow down what my "signature drink" is. It seems like every gentleman should have a signature drink. You know, when the hero in the movie saddles up to the bar and orders a drink. He never hems and haws, he just orders HIS drink.

Contenders are:

1. Gin and Tonic. (Tanqueray/Beefeater/Bombay)

I love this drink. It is refreshing and delicious. A timeless classic drink. Only drawback is that it is kind of a summer drink and some places have pretty bad tonic water.

2. Jameson and ginger ale.

I like the way this tastes too. It has a nice bite and it makes me feel mellow. The fact that it has ginger ale kind of makes it seem a bit wimpy though. Paul Newman wouldn't add sweet soda to his drink.

3. Stoli rocks with a twist.

I like its nice clean taste and it strikes me as an elegant and refined drink. On the other hand, it is rather strong and it kind of makes me feel like an alky when I drink it.

I do love beer. Indeed most times I will order a shot of bourbon (turkey/beam) with a beer. But I feel like a true gent would drink a cocktail. Beer and whiskey is for cowboys. I see myself more as Humphrey Bogart than John Wayne.

Jameson and ginger wins out of those three. If you are worried about your image get a Vodka tonic. Gin is the nut low spirit imho.

I have to part company with you there, wombat. I rather like gin. I guess I'm a gin man. Gin Martinis are divine.

I told my wife that I had written a blog online. I said that I described my life with her and that everybody that responded kind of agreed that it was a toxic relationship. She blew up. She demanded that I show it to her. I laughed in her face and told her to **** off! I guess that was a bit assholish of me but it did feel good to throw that in her face. But the sad fact is that even if I do show it to her it wouldn't have the effect that I would hope it would. That being that she would feel empathy for me and get some sort of insight into my feelings. Knowing her she would just be pissed that I spoke publicly about the intimate details of our life. So yeah, I don't think she really cares that I am miserable. In fact, I KNOW she doesn't care. Because on many occasions I have spoken about my feelings and have gotten no reaction from her.

So yeah, overall things are pretty much the same. Then again things have been pretty much the same for me for the last 15 years or so. I don't think writing this has forced any real changes in my life nor do I expect that it will. It is simply a way for me to vent a bit. I do get something out of it.

Thank you for reading. Please let me apologize for the morose tone and general lack of levity or amusement.

Maybe it would be just the push she needs to divorce you! But I guess that's not what you want. Why would you tell her about the blog though? Some part of you wants to blow this mess up, and rightly so imo.

I played poker all night last night in Atlantic City. I started around 5 pm and played till about 3 in the morning. So over 10 hours total play time. I am now back home in Brookyn. I don't play as much as I used to. I haven't played in weeks. It is hard for me to go down to Atlantic City. I used to go down every week. Now I go once every couple of months.

Last night's session was noteworthy for me because I committed to playing sober and I did. No drinking while playing. After my last session earlier this year where I drank till blackout and came home broke last night felt really good. Even though I was rusty, I still felt like I got in the swing after a while and had a great time. I played 1/2 NL cash in AC. Bought in for $200. Cashed out for $1016. That felt good! I made a couple of bad plays due to being tired towards the end otherwise I would have made a cool G in profit! Oh well, the game will still be there when I go back. I am having a cold beer now at home while watching the movie "We're the Millers." It is really funny. Jennifer Aniston is so ****ing sexy! I am a big fan of Ms. Aniston. She just does it for me!

Oh, and one more thing...Video poker is the devil!!! I gave back almost two bills trying to chase a Royal! Derp!

I'm 5 posts in and loving this blog.

So, I've started to see some improvements in various parts of my life. If not fully realized improvements, I think I'm at least approaching things from a more positive frame of mind.

My wife and I have actually been getting along a bit better lately. We had an honest talk about our feelings a few days ago. We came to the conclusion that we should act civilly at least for the sake of the children. We watched the Spurs-Heat game together. We sat together watching the game while the kids slept. It was a nice change from the usual routine of me zonking out in the living room watching the tv while she is in bed on the ipad. It was the first time in many weeks that we shared an activity that didn't involve the children.

The next day I surprised her by texting her during my workday and telling her to meet me at the train station and we would go out to dinner with the kids. It was really nice. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. She mentioned that the kids were looking forward to it all day. We were a normal, happy family for at least one night.

Work is pretty much the same although I did get a lead on possible side work that I need to follow through with. My goal is to open my own law practice and leave the firm where I work at now. I understand that doing so would lead to more uncertainty in regard to my income but I do believe that I will be happier working for myself. I look forward to taking on more side work and eventually striking out on my own. I really do not like working for someone else. Even though I am left on my own for the most part. No one micro manages my work. I still would prefer to work for myself. If I am going to work really hard to make someone rich, it may as well be myself!

I have also re-ignited my love of poker after last week's successful session. It was only the second time that I played poker in 2014 but it was the first time I showed a profit (+$816) and the first sober poker session that I played in years. I keep following the WSOP action on twitter and read the various trip reports from the 2p2ers in Vegas. I have the poker bug again! I've never played a WSOP event but I hope to make it happen next year.

I have also cut down on my drinking. I was at the point where I was drinking 2 twelve packs over the weekend and picking up a sixer every other day on my way home after work. Sometimes I would drink a bit or even a lot more. I am having a bit of pain on my right side (liver) and it feels like my liver is a bit enlarged. I'm almost 40 and I've been drinking pretty heavily since my early 20s and I'm pretty sure that it's starting to catch up with me. I know I should go see a doctor but I think I will just slow down and see how it goes. I do not like doctors. I haven't had a drink in 3 days. I want to cut it out completely for a while and see how it goes.

So that's it. The weather is beautiful in NYC this weekend and I'm looking forward to spending sometime w the kids enjoying it.

Dude for sure cut out the drinking. Awesome to see you doing well at the tables. I like what you did with the dinner , and hoping you can do more small positive things to make your home life better.

I am in a similar situation in terms of age and hours spent working and small children.
If you could cut out the drinking and focus your energy on positive things (maybe working out or poker) it would make your life a lot better. Someone else here already mentioned small incremental steps.

I wish you much success. Writing about your happy dinner with your family made me happy, so thanks for that!

Good luck.

Ironic for me to give this advice, but I'd schedule an appointment with your primary care Dr. for a physical and then ask him/her about seeing a GI Specialist based on your concerns due to your history of drinking. It can't hurt and could either reassure you that you do need to slow down on the drinking, or show that you haven't done any permanent damage yet and should just backoff some to keep it that way.

Regardless, I'm glad to hear things are looking up, and I hope you had a great weekend with the fam.

Thanks for the feedback, guys!

The weekend got off to a fantastic start. I played in the park with my daughter on Saturday morning and we had a great time. When I get back to the house my wife sends me to Subway to get lunch. I, of course, make a stop at the beer store on the way to Subway. There were two cans of Bud left in the fridge and I should kill those before I take a break from booze for a while. The problem is that two cans are just two cans. So...I buy an 18 pack of Bud for the weekend!

Cut to...popping open beer after beer throughout Saturday afternoon and evening. It was so relaxing lounging on the couch with a cold bud watching the Belmont then the hockey game. All my cares melting away. Cut to...Sunday morning waking up on the couch...half eaten plate of take out middle eastern food on the tv tray in front of me. We had middle eastern food last night? I don't remember that. Who won the hockey game? I go to the fridge. Only 4 bottles left! I drank 14 beers last night? No, I drank 14 out of the 18 pack plus the two that were already in the fridge from before. So I actually drank 16 beers last night!

Wife comes over and says, "thanks for embarrassing me last night in front of the neighbors." Me: "What? What are you talking about?" Wife: "You came downstairs in a rage and yelled at me because I wasn't answering your call. I was in front of the house chatting with our neighbor and you totally embarrassed me by yelling like an *******." Me: "What? I don't remember that at all! Who ordered middle eastern food?" Wife: "You did. And you passed out while you were in the middle of eating it."

Might as well kill the last four beers for breakfast!


http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ED5s1-Fe9FA

lol, if I had a nickel...