2 days later I was on a plane to New Orleans and have been here since! I had to get away for a while. I have taken a significant hit to my bankroll over the past 2 months due to variance and tilt. I am a bankroll nit at heart and have a good life roll so i'll bounce back here soon. Excited for the Series coming up!

I have been to New Orleans twice, and I still feel like I haven't been to a lot of the cool spots (hit up Frenchman st., which apparently is a local hangout). The first time, it was just to party, and the second trip was for the Super Bowl & to party (Ravens' fan).

U playing while in NOLA? 1/2 was super soft and time raked when I played there years back.

+1 mirrion for Frenchman St. A must see while you're in NOLA.

I'm not playing any real poker while I am down here, although I had a little home game with some friends. $.50/1 2 board Omaha (forgot the official name, ocean something or another).

Frenchman Street is the nuts! I lived down here for 6 months before I moved out to Vegas so I am very familiar. I spent at least 3 nights a week at the Spotted Cat Club listening to Jazz. I am a huge Jazz fan, love blues also. I am seriously considering moving back down to NOLA. I love this town and Vegas is kinda wearing thin for me. I am going to make a decision here soon and move after the series. I've been religiously monitoring Bravo to see what games have been running at Harrahs. On the weekends they have been getting 2-3 tables of 2-5 and a 5-10, during the weeks there is at least 1 2-5 game going. Not very optimal for game selection but there are plenty of games on Bovada and Biloxi is a short drive.

late to the party but IN.

Great thread OP

Downward Spiral

These past few weeks have been extremely dark for me. I have been on a drinking binge that would make Nicholas Cage's character from Leaving Las Vegas proud. It's been bad. Real bad. The drinking started up again when I was down in New Orleans. It began innocently enough by taking some shots with friends and of course ended with me blacked out. The mindset of an alcoholic is a mix of justifications and promises. "I can drink like a normal person" or "I'll just have fun tonight and not do it again tomorrow" are normal thoughts. Telling myself I have control and actually believing it is how I live most of the time. I have moments of clarity, where I accept that I have a huge problem, but I repress these truths just as quickly as I identify them. I don't have control. I am spiraling. Lying to my Father and friends about how I am doing brings no guilt. It comes with ease. My brain has been in a constant fog, fueled by the Vodka I drink like water, hell, I am having a drink right now. It's 11 a.m.

The binge climaxed this past Wednesday night. I had stopped in to the Stratosphere to collect some money from a player I stake at 1-2 and decided to have just one drink before I proceeded to my home room. Just one little drink I told myself. A shot of fireball at the video poker bar and I was off to the races. The bartender kept filling my shot glass back up and I kept going. I started to feel the gambling juices flow and went over to a blackjack table. I remember buying in for $100 and playing 2 hands of $30 and don't remember much else. A short memory of me standing in front of two security guards outside is the only thing I can remember. I woke up Thursday morning in a motel and had no idea where I was. I stepped outside and walked to the street and looked up at the sign, "Oasis Hotel."

The Oasis Hotel is about a quarter of a mile north of the Stratosphere and is a complete dive. There aren't even pillow cases on the pillows and huge mirrors are on the walls, it's a den of hookers and junkies. I walked back inside and pulled out my phone to order some food, googled the Hotel to get the address and one of the first entries hit me hard. This was the hotel Stu Ungar died in, **** me. One of the most popular stories of a poker great's downfall had ended in the very hotel I had found myself in. I started to feel sick. I rarely ever throw up when I drink but I vomited for a good five minutes. I am still here at the hotel, in my drunken state I haven't managed to leave. I organized a mix game last night and didn't even show up, I completely forgot about it I guess. The room is ridiculously dirty, I will take a picture and post it later. There aren't even pillow cases on the pillows! But, it is fitting. The room is a perfect metaphor for the state I am in. I belong here right now, wallowing in my despair like the other dregs of society that have found their way to the Oasis. I walked outside today to go get a pack of smokes and there was a hypodermic needle in the parking lot. WTF.

I have nothing good to say about the state I am in but I know it is only up to me to pull myself out of it. When I woke up Thursday morning I found 3k I didn't have before, blackjack winnings I can only assume but that isn't a silver lining. There is no silver lining to this dark cloud. I need to pull myself out of this. Rehab? It didn't work before. AA? Also ineffective. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I want to change. I have gained over 30lbs in the past 2 months, lost my girlfriend and a good percentage of my bankroll. It is moments like these where I hate myself. It's sick how I can put myself in these spots time and time again, knowing full well what I am doing and yet, at least on the surface, not care. Where am I going? What am I doing? I have no idea.

The luxurious Oasis Hotel.

Good luck. Hope you can turn things around. Also, you never get to say the phrase "one time" again. Waking up in a hotel room with $3k in your pocket and both kidneys in tact after being blackout drunk in Vegas was your "one time."

You're screwed up because you are used to getting physical and emotional comfort without effort. Now you are forced to start from scratch to get it again.

A man's pain upon ending a relationship with a woman is proportionate to the degree he was dependent upon her/compromised himself during it.

Her pain is proportionate to the degree she was unable to be that woman who is able to secure a mate for the long-term.

They are both responses and healthy "growing pains" to fulfill primal imperatives: for him, procreate as often with as many partners as possible. For her, secure a mate that provides a family.

This response has nothing to do with logical speculation on the romantic model of love: "shouldn't love be an ethical, cooperative, and concern-oriented partnership?" imo, it is much simpler than that. I prefer to swim with this tide, than against it. far simpler...

Since you titled your last entry as The Downward Spiral, it's like you were begging someone to post this.



all pain disappears it's the nature of my circuitry
drowns out all I hear there's no escape from this my new consciousness

I agree with everything you said Wombat.

I am checking myself into a 6 month rehab next Thursday. I am extremely ****ed up and if I don't try to get help I may die. That isn't an exaggeration, I am drinking a Liter of Vodka a day and taking lortabs like they are candy. This blog may turn in to a recovery thread for a while, provided I can use the internet while in rehab. I obviously won't be playing any poker for a long time. I am going to withdraw all of the money out of my box tomorrow and deposit it into my bank account. The rehab is in California so I may just stay there after I get done with the program. There is no way I can continue to live in Vegas, alcohol is the blood in the veins of this city. I have really been thinking seriously about moving back down to New Orleans but it isn't any different than Vegas, alcohol is a massive part of the culture. I need serious help or I may just become another lost soul story which is the last thing I want.

So, I hope this rehab works for me, it may be my last chance to turn my life around. I am lucky enough to have enough money to pay for 6 months of this rehab, thanks to poker I may have a chance to heal and live a normal life. I am pretty drunk right now so I may post more before I check myself in.

hang in there man. I'm rooting for you.

There are certainly worse places to live than California. Find some place with an avocado tree in the yard and I'll come visit.

Glad to read you are taking steps to improve yourself and your life. Good luck!

Where in Cali? If you are near San Diego and want to do some sober activities let me know. I'm a Vet as well so I have a basic understanding of what you are going through, I can also put you in touch with the Student Veterans group down here, even though you aren't in school it is a network of similarly aged people to hang out with and there is always something going on.

Good luck man.

GL Max. I really hope you follow through with the rehab and don't spiral any more in the week leading up to it. Best wishes mate!

Thanks everyone for the well wishes. I am sitting in a crappy motel room crying while drinking smirnoff straight from the bottle. I hate myself. My family would be devastated to know my current situation, I don't know if/how I will tell them. I have made over 200k in the past 2 years but I only have 110k to my name. Alcohol/me is completely to blame. In 2012 I had a bankroll/liferoll of 750k. I am a ****ing mess.

@bluffmynuts I am going to a rehab in LA but I am down to meet up with anyone who wants to participate in sober activites. After partying in Vegas for 2+ years the reality of partying with sober people is scary bit I need to be open to a new life. I will have to alter my life to a sober lifestyle which is very hard to swallow, But I need to accept it.

I like boozing but I'm 100% down for sober stuff. We could always meet for an Angels game sometime or whatever.

You'll get there, man. You've got a lot of support here. Keep posting and let us know what's going on and how you're doing. Put down the bottle right now if you can.

When you get out of rehab lets get you out on the water for some sailing and we'll see if we can catch us a tuna. We'll eat fresh sashimi until we are physically unable to eat any more.

Cool, I am definitely down for a baseball game. I will be locked in for 6 months I am sure but after that I am game!

Thanks Dollar. This next week will be scary. I could obviously leave today for the rehab if I wanted but I feel I need to get some things in order. Actually I can't lie, waiting until Thursday is just an excuse for me to keep drinking until then.

Thanks for the support Chop! Some fresh sashimi sounds good! You already got me comatose once with sushi, once again thanks a lot for the meal the other day, that was a really good time.


I am semi-confident I will turn everything around, it's just a matter of making the tough decision to stop drinking. I say it's a tough decision because it's a lot easier to just say **** it, keep boozing and not deal with my problems but I don't know how much longer I can last. I am also going to have to cut ties with a lot of friends I have made here in Vegas who are big time drinkers/drug users. i Just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be normal like everyone else but that fairy tale ending is a crazy thought.

I'm glad to hear that you're checking into rehab Max. A litre a day is extreme. Is that sustainable? I'm curious about how the drunk->hungover->drunk again cycle works with that kind of volume. On second thought, don't answer that.

There's no shame in having a 110k liferoll. You're definitely in the top 2% of bustoville 2+2 posters and poker "pros" in general.

Be smart, be safe.

The way I am drinking is definitely not sustainable, if I kept it up for another month I am sure my liver would shut down. Basically for the past week I have been drinking a liter a day. When I wake up after passing out I will drink a half gallon of water and some coconut water, after I feel a little hydrated I will start on the vodka which I usually mix with Sunny D. If I don't go out to a bar/casino I will keep drinking until I pass out which typically takes 5-6 hours. Then I sleep for maybe 6 hours, wake up, hydrate and start at it again. I eat two meals a day, one during each drinking session. I constantly feel hungover, its painful.

Just want to chime in and say that I am in your corner and hope it all works out for you.

Blackouts are the worst. I have them. They are especially scary in casinos where you can lose a lot of money. Not sure what to say and I don't want to judge because I am a hard drinker myself. All I can say is and I hope you take this in the way that it is intended....

MAN UP soldier! Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Get the **** out of Vegas. Go somewhere quiet with no booze and no gambling. Up in the mountains. Montana, Utah, somewhere with fresh air. Do physical activity! **** rehab! It is a waste of time and money. Work through it yourself! If not **** it! Enjoy the Dionysian descent!!! We are all gonna die in the end anyway. Jack LaLane and Charles Bukowski are both dead.

Thanks man but I have already tried the Dionysian approach to life (I am a huge Doors fan) and it obviously hasn't worked. Yes, we are all going to die in the end but it isn't about how we die but how we live our life. I want to live a good, productive, positive life. I am not doing that right now.

On a side note, I am 7/35 in the Bovada 5k. GOGOGO

7/33 currently

In for the rungood.