I will get to this in my next post. Let's just say it didn't yield the results most would expect.

Thanks scott! Lifelong Braves fan here, looking forward to the upcoming season, beginning of an era my friend!

I may post little tidbits here and there about my therapy, I don't know yet, we'll see what happens.

I have to agree that a certain breed of people are attracted to life as a professional poker player. I would venture to say about 30% of the players I have met suffer from a chronic mental illness (depression, alcohol/drug abuse). Yes, I view alcohol/drug abuse as a chronic illness. Even if someone is sober, their drug of choice is always in the back of their mind, poking at their subconscious. I'd say another 30% have a serious gambling addiction and an additional 20% have financial management issues. In general what attracts people to poker is the freedom of it. Most have convinced themselves that they wouldn't be happy doing anything else and I am one of those. I have had normal jobs, done the college thing, tried to be what society would deem a "normal citizen." It just doesn't work. One day it may, but not anytime soon.

Poker makes me happy, when I am on the tables I may as well be in a different dimension. Most of my negative thoughts, depressive feelings and anxiety about my life is put on hold. I used to be a serious theatrical actor from high school until I joined the service and the feeling of being up onstage is the same I get at the tables. A feeling of being "in the zone", where nothing else matters. It is a beautiful thing. Success and failure are very quick to show themselves at the poker table, there is no waiting for results, that expedition of reality is very gratifying.

Is poker bad for people who are depressed? It can be, anything can be bad for depression. A mundane 9-5 behind a desk can wreak havoc on someone's emotional state. If used properly, poker can become a very positive outlet for someone with emotional problems. It can also give you the freedom to pursue hobbies and things outside of poker that can make you happy.

So, does playing affect me in a negative way? Sure,sometimes, but not like it used to. I don't think about bad beats or money lost for near as long as I used to. I don't beat myself up for weeks over a missed value bet or bad beat. I may give myself hell for a day or so, but I have learned to move on.

Why do I keep playing? My passion for the game drives me, the freedom it provides me in my life keeps me around, the psychological aspect as well as the physiological. Chemicals are released in your brain when you gamble, making you high, that is a proven. Those chemicals have a positive effect on my daily life. Am I a gambling addict? Maybe. I have become significantly better at controlling impulses, you won't see me dumping my winnings at a Blackjack table anymore. Self-control is something that every poker player needs to improve on, I have come a long ways but still have very far to go.

Hope I answered your question Boat, this was like a stream of consciousness, I just started hammering away

The long ride home

It happened, it was bound to happen, as inevitable as my friend Jacob's sports bets are to lose. Yesterday my girlfriend and I left Vegas to go to San Diego for a family function on her side. I let it all out, my lapse back into drinking, my true feelings on the therapy I promised her I would take seriously, actually my feelings on all therapy. We had to pull off the I-5 and stop in a fast food restaurant parking lot. She was crying. I started to cry. Seeing yet another beautiful, amazing woman I had let down through my own stupidity really hit me hard. Damn. Her sadness quickly turned to anger as she started screaming at me. I said nothing, she let out her frustrations for a good 20 minutes and I can't say I disagreed with her.

I was done. I couldn't put her through this anymore. She was too intelligent and aware of who I really am to not care. I knew she would probably hang on till the very end, never giving up on me. She loved me. I don't know if I will ever be able to change, maybe I don't even want to. It was time to find a woman who was too stupid to know what was going on with me, too enthralled in Keeping up with the Kardashians to care about anything below surface level. Maybe it was time to just be f*d up by myself. I can't keep hurting this sweet little girl. I knew this was it. I tried to hold her and she pushed me away. "Get away from me." Okay.

I stepped out of the car, grabbed my bag out of the backseat and started searching on my phone for a cab. I tried once more to talk to her. With her head on the steering wheel she didn't even move before saying, "I said get away from me!" Okay. A tear fell down my face as I realized I had done it again. Most woman will put up with an alcoholic, depressed partner for years, even a lifetime. Not the intelligent, caring ones. They will fight the dark side of you every step of the way. She was a fighter. A person with a caring heart. She pulled away, leaving me behind.

A cab arrived about a half hour later and took me to the airport. The cab driver was trying to make conversation and I doubt I looked in the mood to talk but I tried to be polite. "So where are you flying to?" "Vegas." "Oh have fun man, I hit a royal flush on video pok...." I stared out the window, the driver's voice droning on in the background of my mind, my thoughts and emotions were taking hold of me. The all too-familiar sadness had come back.

Was this actually a break-up? Did she just need some space? I had no idea and as of this morning I still haven't heard from her.

The flight was full of excited, drunk people, ready to enjoy their break from reality in a town that was built for just that. I declined the cocktail service, drinking wouldn't help me right now.

It was a long ride home.

sh*t. sorry, man. that's awful.

It's my own fault, things may not be over yet.

The entry about my first time playing in the highrise game is pretty detailed in my journal, so this should be a pretty easy post for me as I am just copying for the most part.

Donkey Does Dallas Part 2

I stepped into the lobby of this decadent highrise in the affluent area of Dallas called Victory Park and already felt out of place. I called the number I was given and was told by the husky voice on the other side to wait with two others by the couches and he would be right down. I looked around and found the couches along with two very well dressed men in their 30's, glued to their blackberries. I walked over and introduced myself to who I assumed were the less than friendly opponents I would be facing and quickly took out my own phone as they didn't want to talk. My eyes caught the elevator opening and a decent looking brunette in a tubedress stepped off the elevator, approaching us rapidly. The other two guys stood up, the girl nodded her head and then introduced herself to me as the hostess. She turned around, we followed her into the elevator and started to make our ascent to one of the very top floors.

As we entered the room, I really didn't know what to expect. Would it be like the barn? Retired people socializing and having a good time over some beers? Would it be like the tournament held in the back of the grill store? Where a bunch of working class backbreakers were trying to blow off some steam before having to go home and get yelled at by their wives of 20 years. Or maybe it would be like some of the home games, where there were kids watching spongebob in the other room while the parents enjoyed imagining they were on the main stage at the main event, playing for glory.

It was like nothing I had encountered before. This place was amazing. Directly in front of me as I walked in was a living room, what the hostess referred to as the "Great Room." There were nice looking pieces of artwork hanging on the walls, sculptures on bookshelves and in the middle a sunken floor where most would assume a dining table would go. Instead was a poker table that looked like it cost a fortune. At the time I thought that it looked just as nice as the tables I had seen on tv. It wasn't even comparable to the plastic legged tables I had played in at the barn, the nicest I had played on until tonight. There were people littered about, drinking their drinks and laughing about things that I didn't understand. Business things, phrases like "Mutual Funds", "short sale", "volatility" and "capped indices" could be heard as the hostess led me around. Nice leather couches were placed around the perimeter of the room and the hardwood floor created an ambiance that was pleasing to the ears. I was one of two people in the room who were wearing blue jeans, much less a t-shirt. These were business professionals and I looked like a little kid trying to sneak into an r-rated movie. For the record I do look extremely young, even now, I still get carded for MA video games and I am 27.

We reached a side room, which was not as big as the great room but still impressive and found two additional poker tables. There were three big high-def televisions mounted onto the walls, playing the ESPN channels. A sliding door led out to a balcony where people were smoking joints and cigarettes. "This is where the 10-20 players will be playing tonight." "What game is played in there?" I asked, pointing to the great room. She smiled, "25-50, minimum buy in $5,000." A live 25-50 game??? I was in awe of everything, I just couldn't believe these people could organize something like this. Did anyone live here? Who was the man I talked to on the phone? Who owns this massive condo? So many questions but I decided to keep my mouth shut for fear of appearing too eager for information that was none of my business. "If you need anything our server will be coming around to take drink orders, we have a full bar and almost any other drink you desire. Food will arrive at around 9. Enjoy yourself and welcome to the game. Also, wear a blazer next time please." She walked away before I had a chance to apologize.

I sat down at one of the tables, checked and made sure I hadn't left my buy in down in the car and started tapping my fingers on the felt while watching sportscenter. I was eager. I was the only one sitting down at the table besides the dealer who was checking the cards meticulously along with his rack. These tables even had automatic shufflers, something I hadn't seen at this point. Freaking awesome.

"Howdy partner, I'm Rex." I looked up to see the other blue jean wearing non-conformist I had spotted earlier. I smiled, stood up and introduced myself. Rex had a big bushy beard, frizzy looking hair and a Grateful Dead t-shirt underneath his blazer. We were going to get along, I just knew it. I would come to nickname him the "mad hippie." He looked like a cross between a mad scientist and a hippie. Rex was related to the organizer of the game and he had his own game also. We immediately hit it off, talking about the Dead, Pink Floyd and how we both liked David Gilmour over Roger Watters. We also had a profound respect and passion for psychedelics. I listened to his stories from the 70's and he heard about my trips to festivals around the country. We exchanged numbers and he promised to call me about his game. I had made a friend in this den of corporate douchebags and I am not generalizing. I would come to learn that all of the people in this game were pompous in every way. Their money was as green as anyone else's, which kept me coming back.

"Good luck, you'll do fine." Rex said before going to take his seat at the 25-50 game. He was right. I did very fine, winning 227bbs that night.

I cashed out around the same time as Rex did and we walked out onto the balcony for me to smoke a cigarette. He fired up an insane smelling joint. "My game runs about once a month, it is a blast man. We all dose and then play cards all night." Rex told me. Taking acid and playing cards?? With strangers no less? Sounded a little weird. "I'll think about it," I told him as we looked out onto Downtown Dallas. It was one of many good nights to come at the Victory Park game, a game that would give me the confidence and bloated bankroll to tackle my first ever summer in Vegas.

just reread in entirety, subscribed.
Good luck op

Max,

Do me a favor and take this personality test:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

isjt

my business matches one of the suggested career types

Present Day Update

I had a pretty good Sunday, booked a 215bb winner live, came in 2nd in a 15k and final tabled an 18k online.

Today I played a WSOP circuit event at Caesars. Knocked out by the table drunk, my King High Flush vs his rivered Straight Flush! Lol. He tried to kiss me afterwards, kinda weird.


I will. I am playing 6 tourneys online right now (on break). I'll take it after I get done.

Results of the Personality Test:

Extravert(33%) iNtuitive(38%) Feeling(75%) Perceiving(33)%

You have moderate preference of Extraversion over Introversion (33%)
You have moderate preference of Intuition over Sensing (38%)
You have distinctive preference of Feeling over Thinking (75%)
You have moderate preference of Perceiving over Judging (33%)

Some recommended occupations:

Social Work
Psychologist
Journalist
Performing Arts (was my intended occupation for a long time-theatrical arts)

where are you playing those?

the 15k is a sunday game on WSOP.com... the 18k game?

All on Bovada. I rarely play on any of the regulated/Nevada sites. The 18k was a 15k gtd that ballooned to 18 and some change.

Very interesting that your extraversion and feeling are so high. Most poker player profiles that I see tend to be INTP or INTJ. Your 'feeling' vs 'thinking' is off the charts...my read on you from the blog is that you're a very thoughtful, calculating person. Thanks for putting in the legwork. I know it's a rather long quiz.

Thanks for showing me the test, learned a little bit about myself by taking it. Like i've said before, when I on the poker tables I am a different person, I think I phrased it as "being in the zone", that is one appeal of the game for me. You are right, the majority of the players I know are extreme introverts, I just don't fit that mold in my daily life away from the tables.

Just wanted to say great blog. The level of self honesty is very refreshing, and hopefully the process of writing the blog will provide some healing for you. Best of luck in poker and in life.

You write really well. Thank you for sharing your story. I can really relate to a lot of the emotions that you are writing about and I suspect I am not alone in this regard. Looking forward to reading more.

I've always enjoyed your comments on lvl (you were the guy with the Peyton Manning avatar, right?)

Thanks Wilson. The writing process has helped me out a lot. Putting everything into perspective has been very beneficial to me.

Thanks idk. I am a middle-aged male struggling with the emotions of growing up just like everyone else, so I assume you are right in your assessment. I did have the Peyton Manning avatar until he bombed the super bowl. I had a significant amount of money on the Broncos, lol. I took down the avatar quickly after I shredded that losing ticket. That is the last time I bet square, lol!!!!

Also, for anyone who is following this blog, I am not really in the mood to write at the moment. I have been dealing with a lot lately. My breakup with my girlfriend of 7 months is official and I have been busy moving to another condo and dealing with the emotional blowout of the situation. I will get back to my story as soon as I can.

Hope things get better soon.

Take your time Max. Thanks for sharing what you have so far.

If it didn't work out with your gf, it's for a reason. You deserve someone who will accept you with your faults.

Sorry to hear about your gf, but as you mentioned even before it happened, you didn't think you were going to be together long term due to your perception that you are damaged goods (which may be right, but I am not one to judge and call you damaged goods, hence why I said your perception).

I enjoy your writing and will certainly keep checking back. Good luck with life.

Thanks Boat.

Yeah I definitely don't deserve the type of women I have been with over the past 5-6 years (I know thats not what you were saying, i'm just saying). The thing is my last few girlfriends have really cared about me, so much so that it is impossible for them to let me slide on any potential self improvements. Life goes on, there are plenty of women out there and to be completely honest, my most recent girlfriend is better off without me.

Yeah, maybe me saying I am "damaged goods" is in reality just a bunch of bullsh**. I mean, who isn't a little messed up due to their life experiences? Everyone has a little bit of baggage. I just keep finding myself in relationships with women who don't have the ability to not care deeply. Like I said in a previous entry, I think it is time for me to find a sub 110 IQ girl, there are plenty of them in Vegas. Shouldn't be that hard lol.

What I just wrote sounds horrible when I read it back to myself but to hell with it, this blog is supposed to be unfiltered, so here ya go.

Maybe you think you exaggerated how "damaged" you were initially, but you're probably minimizing it now. Your experiences through the war are some of the most traumatic experiences a person could endure (compared to the average trauma a person endures in life...loss of a job, loss of a parent, loss of a friend, etc.), and PTSD is absolutely real and can be debilitating. Therapy and medicine may help, and it certainly wouldn't hurt. You could just view it as broadening your horizons and giving you perspective, both areas in which you already appear very rich. All in all, thinking you need a less-intelligent or less-caring women to have a long term relationship is just bull****. You know you would not be happy with that kind of person long term. Relationships require work, both on yourself and together. I am not saying you're lazy; rather, it just kind of self regulates. When you want something bad enough, you just do it. Similar to poker, when you wanted to get better and earn money, you started studying and improving your game.

Well said, Sublime.

Someone close to me served during Desert Storm (1990) and his relationships were disasters for a good while. Maybe taking a break from women/relationships is a good idea perhaps. You are not going to make someone else happy if you yourself are not happy. Take a break and work on yourself.

Best of luck Max.

Everything zen, everything zen.

Well handled. You have a very straightforward and honest outlook on life. That will be your saving grace and guiding attribute moving forward.