I don't know.....

retire by 30+ and then?
Are you gonna lay on your back and wait for the death?
I don't think so. What then?

I mean I understand this wish to have some kind of material security, although I am probably a damaged good by immigration in this. But there must be things that give you a kick, give you this flow, make your brain feel good somewhere on the neurologic level. Not like in religion, not like in extern prescribed moral.

And to which charity do you plan to leave all your goods after the death?

Tell me to STFU, if I am annoying, but I am still gonna read this.

I used the word '****' in the literal sense in that sentence. I.e. I just don't like to insert anything into anyone else's cavities. The same applies to the thread title.

I'm going to just indulge myself in cost-efficient ways, as I've already taken my lifetime dose of suffering imo.

Suggestions are welcome.

What would you do for indulgence?

And duuuuuudeeeeee...... How about becoming less mysterious? I mean you have issues, who has none? My experience is that verbalizing them makes them a lot less important. I don't really understand why, but somehow writing things down that did plague me for looooong time was pretty freeing and relaxing.

As far as people, my evil plan is to hire a female fitness / yoga instructor (and do nothing with her besides the actual fitness and small talk, don't get me wrong).

But the main area of improvement will be that I'll start absorbing the beauty of inanimate objects much more. At my current place, the forest is near but it's not enough fun when the air is polluted. At my new place, the air is twice cleaner, the forest is next to the yard, the Moskva river is just 1.5 km away though it's not much fun either as its bank is maintained poorly.



^ (Lyrics.) This sums it up

Oh, and please accept my apologies for posting the above video, krunic - I agree that the Lena girl needs a better band, so much vocal potential is being wasted on this nu metal nonsense.

And well, bad music is bad because it's specifically designed to be addictive - uses spaced (or, in the pop case, not so spaced) repetition. It might have therapeutic effect, just I have to be careful about the messages to be beat into myself. As a grotesque example, 'I did my time and I want out' (as in the infamous 'Psychosocial Baby' Slipknot / Bieber mashup) is clearly a message to be avoided

The vid is not bad. Dependent on the mood would have been totally my taste in certain phases. The idea with forest is GREAT. And I think you should do it now. Just go more for hikes. I do it in Germany a lot and forests in Germany are boring parks compared to Moskauer surrounding. For me just an hour in a forest and all my anxieties do calm down and get better. And Yoga you should also do NOW and not in some abstract future when you achieve some level of money or I don't know..... Seriously..... DO IT! Go to a yoga course. It is super cool. I mean I know I know: you don't want a course. This people .....

But seriously both ideas are just great, and do them NOW!

I can surely afford forest walks but can't afford a yoga course right now - have to be cutting my costs to the bone until I fully move. And it would impractical to start a course now anyway, as my new place is 2.5 hours away from here and (hopefully) in 3 months I'll be there so I'd have to switch schools.

As an example of one of my numerous thought experiments that are in fact pointless

(Heh, to preempt possible questions, I'll mention that I do have a rather unfounded suspicion that my mother raped me or 'was too tender' to me at some point (that I obviously can't remember - nobody can effortlessly recall such childhood moments) despite the fact that she denies it.)

What's flawed in my thought process:

1. The vast majority of legit yoga instructors aren't hunting for a lover anyway because they've already had so many male clients to choose from that they're already happily married.

2. I'm good at sending aromantic and agender vibes (gender is a useless social construct, fwiw) so I shouldn't be worried about being mistaken for an alloromantic male too often (despite my facial hair yet growing ).

3. I'm so touch-averse that it will be clearly visible.

4. Most women don't like to make moves. If their flirting goes unnoticed, they just shrug and move on.

5. It's a waste of nerves to fear something that hasn't happened yet.

6. If, despite 1-4, someone makes a move on me, I can just tell them to have their brains checked - the probability of this spot is so low that it doesn't matter what to do. If I folded royal flushes every time, that wouldn't have a big impact on my ROI because royal flushes are rare.

On bearded ladies

There a few disorders that cause women to have facial hair.

It disturbs me that most of them succumb to gender-based expectations and suffer in attempts to remove that hair when they could just leave it as it is and make it socially acceptable and celebrate the human variety like Little Bear Schwarz.

Here's how 11 female celebrities could look like if they had beards. I haven't noticed much difference in my appreciation of their portraits with or without facial hair.

P.S. RIP, those who were killed in the Manchester attack

I guess this is a more appropriate place than the OOT containment thread for my random thoughts because some OOTers seem tired of my antics.

I think we're lucky to live in the first ever century when a high level of bodily gratification will no longer require intimate contact.

As I've mentioned in the last paragraph of a post in N1H's log, I have a lot of hope for VR sex toys coming and improving in the next few years (there's already a VR game where the character can withstand violent tricks that real humans wouldn't tolerate; however, it's not synced with a toy, so one of the hands is still supposed to make the motions instead of a toy).

But even now, there's no shortage of free ASMR I can enjoy this very cute artist without having to pay her bills or even to talk to her.The supply of art is so large (there are thousands of ASMRtists already) that I'm not really going to regret if she disappears. That's the power of the internet

Besides, djent (examples are below and, to some extent, in post #154) is known to act as a strong aphrodisiac for some. The comment sections of album streams on Youtube are filled with confessions of boners caused by the music; perhaps it's just a meme, but I've noticed this effect of palm-muted guitars on myself.

I've been trying to do an experiment where I mute something else with my palm and try to achieve climax by just being immersed into the riffs. However, I haven't had much success - perhaps I haven't found the right album yet - and also, some riffs (or perhaps just the hand movements) inadvertently prompt me to think about some girls, so the experiment has been dirty so far, as I can't focus on the music fully yet. (Only instrumental tracks count for the experiment - female vocals like those of the Divitius band would be cheating.)

P.S. Please don't try to make me fully normal - I might soon become more efficient and satisfied than a basic human

I don't see anything natural about those thoughts at all. It's a display of a wide range of emotional issues, low self esteem, projection, denial of reality, and codependency.

Why do you feel that having a sexual attraction to something/someone is a weakness and a vulnerability? And how exactly could this "weakness" be exploited in a way that would harm you?

That video makes no sense whatsoever. If men just want to be convinced that women have a libido, why wouldn't straight porn accomplish the same thing? I watch a fair amount of straight and lesbian porn and I can report that the females appear to be just as aroused in straight porn as in lesbian porn.

Why would one need to be religious in order to believe that life has a purpose?

Most people enter into relationships for companionship, which by definition means they don't want the relationship to end, as it would mean no longer having a companion.

This would be like asking someone who just busted out of a poker tournament why they're upset and why they didn't have a proper exit strategy. The whole point of entering the tournament is to not lose all your chips and exit, so obviously you're not going to plan on failing.

You clearly have an irrational fear of female sexual aggression, and it's so similar to what I felt for most of my life. It would make sense that you were sexually exploited by a woman when you were younger. My mother sexually exploited me and I didn't even realize it until age 33.

This is absolutely false. Women make just as many moves as men. The difference is they usually make subtle non-verbal moves (eye contact, body language, facial expressions) that are difficult for aspies like us to detect.

My mother has a fear of golddiggers, which has been corroborated by my brother's marriage with an obviously narcissistic woman.

I think my risk of being captured by a golddigger is low, however, I still prefer not to let people know about my addictions just in case.

OK, I understated: I'm not just non-religious, I'm rather nihilistic.

That most people tilt doesn't mean that I have to.

I prefer not to play this kind of poker (i.e. the flirting game) because the actual poker is still much more profitable, in the sense that the expenditure on sex toys will be much smaller than the winnings if I invest the same amount of effort into beating poker as what most people invest into flirting skills over their lifetimes.

Rationalizing an irrational fear will not lead to self improvement. I can tell it's irrational simply from your choice of words. You're afraid of being "captured" by a woman. This is called catastrophisizing, it's assuming the worst case scenario will happen.

Do you know how men really get "captured" by golddiggers? The only way that's possible is if the man is an active participant and is deciding to trade money for the companionship/sex/whatever. If you don't want to trade money for a relationship, you're immune to golddiggers, and any fear you have of being "captured" by one is completely delusional.

But I totally understand this fear. I used to feel very threatened whenever I felt like a woman was attracted to me. The solution for me was to let go of the fear, shame, and hurt feelings that were created after being sexually exploited by my mother.

Yes of course, my point is not about you and what you should or shouldn't do. My point was to explain to you why people get into relationships, as you seem to not understand it.

Again, the point I was making had nothing to do with what you should or shouldn't do in terms of flirting or getting into a relationship. Your words indicated a misunderstanding of human behavior. I think it would help you to make more of an effort to understand why people do what they do.

You repeatedly make posts where you express frustration and confusion about why people say the things they say and act the way they act. The solution is not to assume they're stupid and dismiss them. The solution is to develop more compassion for others and make an effort to understand why people do what they do.

Indeed. My only fear in this respect is that I may suffer from withdrawal after I stop offering money (about the only benefit that I can potentially offer) and break up.

It's easier to spend money on non-intimate or non-addictive pleasures than to try to gain non-financial assets.

Of course it would be better if I understood fishes' logic, but when I don't know it, there's a choice between 1) figuring that logic out and 2) observing the population tendencies without questioning why they happen. The latter way is what HU / spin players have been using successfully.

Life isn't a zero-sum game, so I do feel a bit of frustration about others' refusal to collaborate with me in mutually profitable ways, but I still feel that it's more +EV to exploit than to collaborate in mutually harmful ways (stupid rituals like drinking alcohol).

And sorry, I'll continue considering others stupid in many respects (which doesn't prevent me from figuring their motives out) unless they prove otherwise.

Yes it does prevent you from figuring their motives out. You made several posts itt where you literally displayed a complete non-understanding of people's motives.

The fact that you make posts about other people's behavior that you don't understand is proof that you care to some degree about why people do and say what they do. If you want to understand why people do what they do, you have to let go of your feelings of superiority and develop more compassion.

I'm stupid myself, but I'll always know myself better than others, and I think that effort will be spent more efficiently on self-compassion than on compassion for others, sorry.

Every person knows themself better than anyone else. You're not stupid, in fact you're too smart for your own good in some ways.

Why can't you develop compassion for both yourself and others? You don't need to pick one. Compassion is the same mindset no matter who it's directed towards, and compassion for others makes it easier to have compassion for yourself, and vice versa.

It's much easier to acknowledge to myself that I've ****ed up than to explain to someone else why they've ****ed up without making them angry. Forgiveness is one aspect of compassion that works the same way with others as with myself, but learning from mistakes is important too.

I think I've just got a muse

I have a conspiracy fear that Google has collected so much data on me that it has memorized my fetishes and delivers them in bulk even when I don't intend to search for them. I'm not sure if Google's AI is yet bold enough to analyze the speech in every YT video, esp those that don't even have automatically generated English subs.

Ironically, among her other quirks, the girl is fond of conspiracy theories, even though I'm not.

What was weird about watching her YT Q&A is that I didn't get anxious like I did when encountering my past real-life muses. I just understood somewhat rationally that she's my first 10/10 ever (i.e. in the top 0.004% of girls by attractiveness, or 1 out of 25K). Maybe it's just my brain on coffee, and I'll reevaluate tomorrow, particularly because she did mention some traits of hers that I'd normally hate but didn't hate this time.

Also, a couple of times when I was trying to guess how she'd finish a sentence, I almost guessed the exact wording. Maybe that would occur if I played the game with any other YT narrative, though, but somehow it seemed as though I'd achieved a better rapport with her than with the general population.

One time, she brought up one of my fetishes randomly in the story even though she didn't have to and I think people normally don't mention it in Q&As. That said, she mentioned a lot of other random things that people normally don't.

I wouldn't post this if I didn't strongly suspect her of being a closeted asexual.

Anyway, the chance of us ever living together is very low because I'm too lazy to become eligible for immigration into her country. She might be into non-exclusive long-distance partnership, though.

Maybe my heavily caffeinated mind is exaggerating. I have a strange desire to be involved in some kind of a love drama like other 2+2 weirdos (N1H, MLYLT) for the sake of notoriety, even though I know it would be -EV for me.

Oh my RNG, Yoon Jeonghan (of the Kpop band Seventeen) is such a cutie Thanks to BGP for introducing him to me!