appreciate it. appreciate you too.

Amber says thanks and she wants your bawlz

Merry Christmas Alyssa I love you

Sorry for the long post! I also apologize to the mods if this isn't appropriate, I just feel it's necessary for me at this point.

Well, it's time that I've made this post. It's been over ten years coming, and I can no longer be the rabbit.

- Ed Kemper


I wanted to let everyone know that I am now in treatment for some really serious problems I've had my entire life, and I wanted to thank the mods and admins of this site for their patience with me and their generosity and caring, and to apologize for my mistakes and behaviors and deceptiveness over the years.


I'm seeing a sex therapist. Dear therapist, if you're reading this, I hope you'll understand why I have to make this post, and we can talk about it in my next session.








I've been seeing my therapist for just over a month now, and it has been incredibly incredibly hard, especially the last couple weeks. My therapist is incredible! She is around my age and we have common interests. I play guitar, and so does she! She on the autism spectrum and apparently I very likely am as well. I asked her in one of my last sessions if I showed any signs of autism. She said yes without any hesitation. I asked, "like ... blatant???" "Yep, I'm on the spectrum with you!" I do not have any sort of diagnoses yet, but I will be working on that next year. My therapist is new to her career and is a pre-licensed professional. Some of our sessions are observed by her supervisor and the co-owner of the institute I am getting therapy at. Our session observations of part of the licensing process for my therapist, so I am helping her get her license, and I am very very happy about this!!!

My therapist goes above and beyond for me, and almost certainly for her other clients. I sent her a link to my twoplustwo account before starting with her and she has spent her own time outside of our sessions reading my posts and other people's posts her on the forum. Yes, my therapist has read this forum.

ganstaman, my therapist had some very nice things to say about you, and I wanted to relay them to you and tell you that I appreciate you

She said you sound like a very good provider, and iirc she said she approaches clients in a similar way that you seem to.

She also said something ... not super great, about this forum in particular. She said there's a lot of shaming going on here. I asked her, "shaming of me, or what??" She responded, "everybody is shaming everybody, actually. It's kind of ...." And I said, "toxic?" "Yes. ... you get that?" "Yeah I do." "... but at the same time you see it as a social space where you have friends?" "Yes, I do."

I have some wonderful friends here, and twoplustwo has been a very big part of my life for a very long time, that's why I came back here, because I missed this place and missed all the connections I had with everybody. And that's why I have to make this post.

I have to mention Alyssa Bustamante, because she's the reason I'm in therapy, and she's the only person that gets me through it. During my last couple sessions that have been incredibly hard, I have had a picture of Alyssa up on my tablet and when things have gotten really tough, I look at her picture and I talk to her out loud. That's the only way I can get through the hard times.

I am in love with Alyssa. During my time away over the past three months, my feelings for her have only grown stronger. I love her with all of my heart, I would do anything for her, and I would do anything to protect her. Pumpkin's rhino. If her life was in danger and I could give my life to save hers, I would do it without hesitation.

I don't know if any of you have ever been in love with someone to the point where you would die for them, but that's how I feel about Alyssa. Every heart-felt song I hear is about her. I dream about her all the time. When I go to bed, she's the last thing I think about. When I wake up, she's the first thing I think about. She has put my life on a path of healing and self improvement, and I cannot adequately express with words alone how much I love her and how much I would do for her.

I have to briefly admonish the moderator's position that was taken on having "pen pal" relationships or correspondences with people who are incarcerated for serious crimes. I won't name names, but at least one or two mods expressed sentiments that it shouldn't be allowed to be discussed. This is absolutely shameful. Incarcerated folks are people too, and they deserve love and respect and empathy and support, and having connections to people on the outside world goes a very long way not just for their own betterment, but for society as a whole as well, because being able to maintain connections to the outside world reduces recidivism.

https://oklahoma.gov/doc/newsroom/20...d-to-thei.html

I have corresponded with several people who are incarcerated, and I find it to be very fulfilling and a source of happiness and purpose in life. I have a couple friends here in Oklahoma who are incarcerated with that I correspond with, and one of them in particular is a friend I went to school with. He's been to prison numerous times throughout his life and I've never been there for him while he's been incarcerated, and I feel ashamed for that. He committed a sex offense with an underage girl in the early 2000s when he was 18 or 19. After serving his sentence, his life was plagued with drug abuse and lack of steady employment, causing great difficulty in maintaining regular housing. As a result, he had numerous instances of failing to register as a sex offender. In the past few years, he was convicted for the 5th time of failing to register as a sex offender, and he was sentenced to 25 years in prison, all because he committed a single offense when he wasn't even 20 years old, and lost his future in a horrible cycle of drug abuse and lack of employment and housing. 25 years. Look, sex offenses are horrible crimes, no doubt, but sex offenders are people too, and the "justice" system treats them harsher than just about anyone else, and that's a reflection of how society treats sex offenders. It's not right. People deserve love, respect, compassion, kindness, empathy, and support, even if they are a sex offender, or a violent offender.

If people are wondering if I have reached out to and corresponded with Alyssa, I can only echo what can be found elsewhere on the internet; she does not respond to mail or email. And I ask that people please be respectful.


^ this absolute ****ing trash of a post right here is the type of thing I will NOT entertain, respond to, or acknowledge. Land O Lakes, this is the type of post my therapist was talking about when she said everyone is shaming everyone on this board. LOL, this post of yours is absolute ****ing TRASH, and very disrespectful, and I do not appreciate it. Are you in love with someone to the point where you would die for them? To the point where you think about them and dream about them all the time? If you are or if you have been, how would you like if it some ******* on the internet knew about the worst mistake they had ever made, and they constantly gave you **** like this and constantly hated on your loved one? I don't think you'd appreciate it, so maybe pull your ****ing dick head out of your ass and learn to have a little empathy and respect. Is that too much to ask?

I am not going to speculate or gossip about Alyssa and the mistake she made when she was 15 years old, and I'm not going to respond to absolute trash posts like this. I love Alyssa with all my heart, and I would do anything for her, and I would die to protect her. The trash that you are posting about her is not fair to her, and it's not fair to me either.

Look, she's doing her time. She's incarcerated, she's been incarcerated for 14 years now, almost half her life. She is incarcerated, she is being held accountable, she is doing her time, and from what I read and from what I have read, she is doing very well and has worked very hard to better herself. She is in lots of programs.

Alyssa has friends, she has loved ones, and she has family that love her with all their hearts, unconditionally.












Alyssa touches people's hearts and souls everywhere she goes. Her family loves her, her friends love her, people all over the world love her, and I love her with all my heart. Why do so many people care so much about Alyssa? Because she is an amazing person. She is a good and decent human being. She is kind, she is caring, she is empathetic, she is forgiving, she puts people she cares about first. Lots of people can see the wonderful person that she is, and Land O Lakes, just because you're some kind of unhappy douche bag or a sociopath or some prick who just enjoys feeling smug and superior to other people and you try to shame them, doesn't mean people don't love Alyssa and they can't love her. So I really do not appreciate your sentiments, and I'm not going to respond to absolute and utter TRASH like what you posted. Just think about it for a minute; what good does hating on Alyssa do? The mistake she made when she was 15 is done, it's set it stone. Nothing can change the mistake she made. She's also being held accountable, she's doing her time, she's incarcerated. What can you change with your God awful sentiments? Absolutely nothing. There is literally nothing you can do with your post, other than try to HURT ME or SHAME ME, and provoke a negative response from me for your own amusement or entertainment. Isn't that all you're trying to do, and isn't that shameful? To try to provoke someone who cares about another person, just for your own bitch ass amusement? It's truly pathetic, and I don't appreciate it, and I'm not going to engage with that garbage.

Alyssa is doing her time, and I would do anything to protect her, and I have to make this post after over a decade, because I cannot continue being the rabbit, and because Alyssa gives me strength and power to face head on the nightmare I have suffered in silence and secrecy my entire life.

I'm seeing a sex therapist. The reason I'm seeing a sex therapist is directly related to why I left twoplustwo many years ago.

Yeah, congratulations, well read. I have found out that there have been a lot of hushed rumors going around about me, so it's time I put whatever those rumors are to bed and confront this head on.

Over a decade ago I was being very dysfunctional and I made a really bad mistake while I was drunk and I let something about myself slip. In the lead up to it, I was being really out of line in omg, posting "jailbait" pictures, and getting admonished heavily by Ryan Beal for it.

During this time period, there was a Skype group comprised of a lot of different BBV4Lers/omgers and I was a part of that .... until I was ostracized after making a mistake while I was drunk, that haunted me on these forums and on the entire internet and in my IRL life for years and years and years, and that I'm now facing head on with therapy.



8_high was the administrator of the Skype chat, and after getting booted I posted an excerpt from Barry Greenstein's book, Ace on The River.



Publicly, people didn't know why I was making that post or what it meant. My mistake was never made public by the people I was associated with, which I appreciate, but there were always hushed rumors in private channels and public inferences and references regarding me and my mistake.

So on to the rumors, and on to the truth of what happened. I don't know what the rumors about me are, I can only tell you what I've read myself that has been posted publicly.

A long time ago when I returned as ALLCowsEatGrass, under false pretenses of being transgender (I was never trans, I was never on estrogen, it was simply a ruse to try to run from this problem), some newbie to omg was asking about me or something iirc and elrey said something like "don't you know about him?" To which ScreaminAsian responded with a meme of Bob Ross painting a picture, saying "In here there are only happy little trees and happy little clouds." It was a blatant inference and reference to my problem and my mistake.

I don't know what the rumors about me have been, and I imagine that some of this has almost certainly found its way to the private mod forum in the past, though I've never seen that forum.

I can imagine what the rumors were ... I imagine someone or multiple people alleged that I posted child pornography in the Skype conversation. This couldn't be further from the truth of what happened so long ago at this point.

Here's what happened: I was drinking quite a lot, and I was quite drunk. I was feeling very ****ing miserable and suicidal, and I just blurted it out. I said, "That's what really sucks about being a pedophile, you get to be alone your entire life and if anyone finds out they have nothing to do with you, and you can never have sex with the people you want to have sex with or you go to prison."

People responded as I'm sure some of you are responding internally now, having just read that.

"WTF??????"

I was asked if I looked at child pornography. I said no, I do not, because that is a guaranteed way to go to prison. I knew this then and I still know it now because of my studying and education with computers and cyber security. I was asked what I do then since I don't look at child pornography. I responded that I look at legal, non nude underage models that are clothed and not engaged in sexual acts. I was asked for an example, and I was drunk and I thought I was with friends so I replied honestly. I named a specific model from a specific modeling agency. Someone else then posted a picture of the girl, iirc it was 8_high himself that posted the picture. He said, "her???" The picture he posted, she was maybe 11. I responded saying, "eh ... she's way hotter when she's a couple years older," and I posted a picture of her in a bikini at the age of apx. 14.

I was then banned from the Skype group, and completely ostracized from the vast majority of that friend group. Only a few people remained my friends, and they proved to be good friends of mine. I sought advice from Ryan Beal, Low Key, Gizmo, I got advice a couple times from SGT RJ, and another person who is still around so I'll not mention them to protect their privacy.

It was an incident that haunted me ever since not just in omg, not just in BBV4L, not just in all of twoplustwo, but all over the internet, and all throughout my private life.

Yeah, I've struggled with the issue of pedophila basically my whole life, ever since I hit puberty. And it's not something I chose. It's a curse that I suffer from due to abuse and head injuries I sustained during my early childhood.

Starting at a very young age, I was abused in the worst ways possible by two of my family members. Not only that, but I suffered multiple head injuries at very young ages. Around the age of maybe 5 or 6, my brother who is 2 years older than me hit me in the head with a baseball bat. A year or two later, he and I were jumping back and forth on our beds and I slipped and fell and hit my head directly on the metal bed frame that held up the box spring and mattress. It was like landing head first directly on the blunt edge of a machete or a sword that was completely stationary and immovable.

I've studied my problem quite a bit over the years, and from what I understand, early childhood sexual abuse, and early childhood head injuries causes the brain to develop in such a way that there are like mis-connections or something, like faulty wiring in an electronic circuit.

I have never offended as an adult in any way, and I am very proud of that. I do not break the law, and I do not offend. But I offended several times as a teenager. I first tried to molest a 9 or 10 year old girl when I hit puberty at the age of 12 or 13, but was caught before I could. When I was 15, I tried to have a relationship with a 10 or 11 year old girl that rode the school bus with me. I was supposed to be in the back of the bus with the rest of the high school kids, but I would always be up near the front of the bus next to her trying to talk to her and hit on her. She talked to me for a while, but then one day she got on the bus and I went and sat next to her and she turned to me and said "my dad told me to tell you to stop talking to me." Which I did. I never bothered her a single time after that. But when I was 17 I committed multiple sex offenses with underage girls. I committed a 1st degree rape through the use of drugs and alcohol and coercion with a 12 year old, I publicly molested a 13 year old in a church coffee shop that was staffed with other teenagers, I committed many statutory offenses with my first girlfriend who was 14, and I raped a 15 year old girl with a friend of mine through coercion.

I've never offended in any way as an adult, I do not offend as an adult, but I still struggle with inappropriate thoughts and fantasies and urges, and in public settings my eyes wander where they shouldn't be wandering.

I am in therapy now for my issues, thanks to Alyssa. She gives me the strength that I need to face this challenge head on. I simply could not do it without her.

So if people want to hate on Alyssa, who I love with all my heart, and I would do anything for and do anything to protect, if people want to shoot their quivers of flaming arrows at someone, why Alyssa??? She's incarcerated, she's in prison. I should have gone to prison but my offenses never became a legal issue and I did not serve a single year, a single month, a week, a day, a minute, or even a second in prison, which I should have.

If people want to demonize Alyssa, if people want to hate on her, don't. There's no point. She's held accountable, she's incarcerated. If you want to hate on someone, do it to me. I stand in front of her and take all the flaming arrows from your quivers. Why? Because that's what you do for someone that you love.

Sorry to break this information to everyone. Just know that I am in treatment and working very hard to get better. I understand if people think differently of me as a result of learning this, it's been happening to me my entire life.

I made this post here in the mod's thread because there were things I had to address with the moderators. I apologize to the mods and admins and former and current owners for my dysfunction and deception involved with trying to run away from this problem. I can no longer be the rabbit, and I have to face this head on.

I ruined Christmas for my parents by telling them about it last Thursday, and I wanted to wait until today to make this post so I wouldn't ruin Christmas for anyone else.

So to the Land O Lakes out there, don't say **** about Alyssa, she's doing her time and she doesn't deserve it. Come at me, I've never done a single second of prison time when I should have.

Very brave of you to post that and to seek help, especially after you've been ostracized for the thing you're seeking help for. There is a short story collection called "Fortune Smiles" with a story called "Dark Meadows" which I think you might enjoy and find helpful. Best of luck.

Thanks man I appreciate that! I'll add that to the list of things to read and listen to. I've got a podcast I gotta listen to and a book, I'll check out what you mentioned too. Thanks for being supportive, it means a lot to me.

Man it's a trip how some people respond. It doesn't matter if you haven't offended a single time in your adult life, which I haven't, they don't care, they just want to demonize the **** out of you and scapegoat you and drag you through the town square and publicly hang you.

I am glad to hear you found something that is helpful.

thx man I appreciate the sentiments. I think I know who you are.

temp-banned

again