Happy for you, that you had a good start with that.

USA#1 4th Of July Weekend Checklist:

[x] xanax
[x] ear plugs
[x] ice cream
[x] youtube serial killer documentaries

I still haven't figured out how to get through the low points of depression. My mood was at 3 (on a 1-10 scale) for 2 days last week. I wanted to die. Right now it's at 7 and I feel fine. I think about the times I feel like I want to die and it's so silly. If I was going to kill myself it would've happened 100 times already. The next time I get in a low mood it's highly unlikely I'll try to kill myself. But when I'm actually in a low mood it feels like i'm so close to going outside to jump in front of a train.

How do I prepare for the next depression episode? How do I tell my future depressed self that it will be ok? When I'm depressed, it always seems like everything positive I've ever told myself is stupid and pointless and I was foolish to ever be positive about life.

When I'm depressed, the depression seems totally real and being happy was just a temporary illusion. When I'm happy, the happiness seems totally real and being depressed was just a temporary illusion.

I'm about halfway through the book Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents.

It's pretty good and helped me identify some of the traits my parents had. I always felt like my dad was very emotionally stunted and child-like in some ways, but now I realize that my mom also had some of that but in different ways.

I think one mistake this book makes, and some other similar self help books I've read, is that they go a little too far when trying to profile a type of person. There's a lot of "this type of person always does this and this, that type of person always does that and that." Emotionally immature people have a wide range of behaviors and there's an infinite number of different combinations of symptoms.

I think it would be better if the author simply talked about each specific trait and an example of how that trait manifests itself, rather than try to put together complete profiles of people that are very rarely going to actually describe any one person.

I'd still recommend this book for anyone who hasn't had much emotional connection, or an inapropriately close connection, to their parents and wants to learn more about why that is and how to heal yourself.

Hi Krunic, that happens to me all the time.

I got a job .

Congrats!
How did you get it?

I saw a job posting for a pastry cook at a new restaurant. I went there for a stage (like an interview where you work for a day). Somehow I didn't screw up too much and they liked me enough to hire me.

well done!

Pastry Chef: "What do you mean you only put about 3 tablespoons of water in the dough, the recipe is 1.5 cups!"

me: "you said the dough was too wet last time, so I used less water to make it less wet."

PC: "You have to follow the recipe! If the recipe isn't working you're doing something wrong!"

me: "Uh... ok. How do I make the dough less wet using 1.5 cups of water then?"

PC: "I'll make it this time and you watch me."

me: "ok"

PC proceeds to make the dough using about 30% more flour than the recipe says.

me:

That's a special pastry chef, unless that was his way of ****ing with you. But even then. Sounds like things are looking up for you. Just having a normal job, and a reason to get out of the house / apartment every day (not sure of your living situation) is a definite step in the right direction, I think. Actually a pretty big step.

Pastry chef is a she btw. It's generally a female dominant occupation.

The job is a breakthrough for sure. It's great to have something to occupy my mind all day. The worst thing for depression and anxiety is to sit around alone with your own thoughts and think about how depressed and anxious you are. The catch is that the more depressed and anxious you are, the harder it is to go out and do things like work and talk to people.

The 1/8th Inch Rule

If you ask a pastry chef how thick something should be, they will say "1/8th inch." Of course I'm referring to those in USA#1 here.

Examples:

Chef, how thick should I roll out this dough?

Chef, how thick should the ganache layer on this cake be?

Chef, how thick should these slices of mango be?

The answer is always "1/8th inch." Then after you roll out the dough, or pour the ganache, or slice the mango to exactly 1/8th inch, the pastry chef looks at it and goes "oh no, that's way too thick/thin. Let me show you." Pastry chef will then roll the dough, or pour the ganache, or slice the mango to anywhere from 1/32nd to 3/8 inch.

Work is going well. It's a stable routine.

Yesterday I felt like I was having a mild panic attack all day. I couldn't breathe normally, I was trembling and had that feeling of being paralyzed by my racing mind. I think it's because I haven't been sleeping well lately. I have no energy in general. I get up, go to work, go home and crash. But I don't actually sleep much. Repeat. On my days off I barely have the energy to do laundry and cook some food.

I'm in love with a married friend of mine that I go running with sometimes. It sucks.

I think I should take a break from seeing my therapist for a few weeks. It doesn't seem to be going anywhere lately, and I always feel like I'm falling asleep in her office.

At this moment it's 12:30 pm. I have the day off. I really need to do laundry and take a shower and eat and clean my room. It feels like I might as well have "climb Mt. Everest" on my to-do list.

progress?

OP, I feel for you, love does suck, disrupts the hormonal balance Please clarify the deepness of your trouble: if you want to go the 3rd or 4th base with her or just stay at the 2nd or even 1st. (You can send me a PM if you're too shy to tell it in public.)

Can't you find another running partner (to use the 'no contact' method to cure yourself from the love)?

I definitely don't want to do the no contact method. She's a good friend, and good friends are hard to come by for me. I don't care about "bases" I just want her to divorce her husband and move with me to Austin Texas and we'll live happily ever after together.

I stopped seeing my therapist. Two weeks ago I missed my appointment because I slept too late. Last week I called her and said I want to take a break from therapy for a while. I'll see her again at some point when I have things to talk about and have the energy to go.

My mood is relatively stable. I feel like the best thing for me to do right now is to simplify my life and have less things to do and think about.

The owner of the restaurant keeps bugging us about making the fruit plates look nicer. This should shut him up lol

Omg this kind of thing happens all the time in the grocery store business it's like catch -22 no doubt about it.

Those are some nice fruit plates, I bet they tasted twice as good looking like that