The last few months I've been ruminating frequently about past mistakes. Specifically, two jobs I shouldn't have taken last summer, and a friendship I ruined in 2017, during what I believe now was a manic episode.
I've been replaying these events almost every day for months and berating myself harshly.
Today I was reminded of the time I folded aces preflop in NLH, on purpose, way back around 2007 or so. I got the idea from Tommy Angelo after reading his blog post
The Worst Play Ever.
I had folded aces preflop a few times by misclick, and got super mad every time. I wanted to do it on purpose once. I had a different reason than Tommy though. It wasn't about making the worst possible play just for bragging rights. I wanted to explore the nature of mistakes and how to deal with them.
If I folded aces preflop, what difference does it make if I misclicked or clicked fold on purpose? The result is exactly the same. The only difference is in my perception of the action. The misclick fold is a terrible mistake worthy of berating myself. I calculate the lost EV and tell myself to stop ****ing up and being sloppy. Folding aces on purpose however, is a courageous act of contrarian boldness. Yet the result is the same.
What if instead of ****ing up that friendship, I decided to end it on purpose? The result would've been the same, only I wouldn't be ruminating about it. I would remember it simply as a decision I made at the time. What if instead of taking two jobs that didn't work out, I had never taken them? I highly doubt I would still be thinking about those job offers at all.
My perception is my reality.