So some background about me. I'm 27 years old, I like poker, I don't love it. I got hooked on poker after watching the 2010 main event on ESPN. Seeing all those young guys making it deep in the main event was really exciting. It seemed like a dream come true and I wondered how it felt to be in a position like that. So I started playing play-money on stars and eventually transferred to real money. I played 9 player and 27 player sit-and-gos and 180 man MTTs until Black Friday happened. Well I was a losing player but I didn't lose that much, I think it was $50. I didn't see it at the time but Black Friday was maybe the best thing that could have happened to me poker-wise. It allowed me to take a step back and study the game and improve. Otherwise, I might still be a losing player or might have quit poker altogether. Its crazy to think about all those what-ifs in life. My screen name was FallVGet^ in case you were curious or happened to play with me back in the day.



Btw, am I the only one who thinks it's ridiculous that it's been 6 years and we still don't have legal online poker in the US, except like 2 states with niche markets? Casino lobbyists buying politicians anyone? Or does the government just not give a ****?



Post Black Friday I started playing live cash games and have done pretty well. Not "crushing" per se, but doing pretty well. This year hasn't been very good for me poker wise however. I've had my first downswing since I started playing, losing about 8 buy ins @ 1/3. I did book a winning session last time I played after I got it all in on the turn w/ Ac4c two pair vs a min-raise w/ a set of kings in a limped preflop pot and managed to bink a river ace. So it felt nice to win a big pot even if I played bad. I also managed to win by bluffing in multi-way raised pots after I limped called w/ marginal hands and got a bluff through both times, which felt really good. Hopefully I can turn it around and get back on track because losing sucks.



My next post I'll go over my personal life up to this point. I'll also share my random thoughts and experiences as they come up. Hopefully you found this more interesting than I think it is. Peace. See you on the flip side.

So right now I'm going back to college after having spent the past 7 years or so playing poker and working at a lot of different jobs for very short periods of time, and trying a bunch of other things that didn't work out. I'm majoring in music technology because I love music and being able to help make music for a living sounds really appealing to me. I've played the drums since I was 11, so that's my background in music.

I was thinking about maybe starting a poker club at my local college. It's kind of a small school however, so I'm not sure how many college-aged kids would be interested in that. I just think it would be cool to discuss poker, maybe review some poker books or videos, discuss poker hands that I/they have played. I find the strategy behind poker pretty interesting. I'm also interested in getting better at chess, just as a hobby obviously because there's no money in chess, everyone's solid (or probably better than me).

Just some random thoughts I had. I've never found stand up comedy that funny. I've found personally that just interacting with people creates more funny situations. It's also less contrived and force fed down your throat. I guess that makes me weird for not liking it. I also have a very weird sense of humor, it's hard to explain. I'll recognize some things as humorous, but I won't actually laugh at them. Other random things will just make me crack up. Is that weird? With that said, I think it's cool that Kevin Hart is so involved in promoting poker even though I personally don't find him funny.

Last of all, I'm doing a speech for my public speaking class. It can be about any topic (as long as its approved by teach). So I'm going to be doing my topic about the band call The Strokes. Very awesome band whom makes great music (or did for a time). It's almost like it's not homework. I've also got an audition coming up to make sure I'm still enrolled in the Music Tech program. I've got to play a solo on the drums and a solo on the xylophone. Drum solo should be no problem. Xylophone I've only been playing since November last year, but I've improved a lot in a short amount of time. I predict I will pass. Hopefully I'm not wrong. Anyway, thanks for reading.

TP GOAT. just sayin'.

So here is another sporadic update. I've been getting A's in all of my classes, which is way better than how I've done in school in the past (I think it's because my back is up against the wall, getting older and not wanting to go back to **** jobs). I've been busier and more stressed in my 1st semester at this new college than at any other point in my life. I didn't pass my audition, so I'm going to practice and study and re-audition when I'm ready, which will probably be in the fall. I might also play some poker and count some cards.

In one of my music classes, we are studying blues music. So the teacher wants us to write our own lyrics to a blues song. Which is funny because my whole life feels like a blues song. The song I relate to the most is Lit's "My Own Worst Enemy", if that is any indication.

tyty

So, I had a pretty good 1st semester back at uni. I got A's in all 4 of my classes. I happened to get my name in the local paper for that (which is cool to me, getting your name in the paper, as long as it's not for something bad...)

I also started socializing more. I only made one friend, which was kind of lucky, but I do believe that you can really only get better at social skills through practice. What I mean by being lucky is that I met someone who is around the same age as me, in the same major as I am, in the same class as I am (we also happened to sit next to each other), and he was actually interested in being friends with me. I have way too much social anxiety to ask someone in class if they want to be friends with me. My friend also mentioned to me that he has social anxiety and he could tell that I had it too. We hung out a couple of times and he showed the music he makes and the equipment he makes it with, which is pretty fun to mess around with.

I also talked to this girl who worked the front desk at my campus apartment pretty regularly. She works the night shift and I like to stay up so that was a match made in heaven. So at the end of the semester I asked for her # and I texted her a couple of times and she took forever responding to the first text and she's ignored me since then. That's disappointing, especially since she seemed to like talking to me, but w/e.

I've also been putting in work on online dating sites but that has gone nowhere. Girls will usually send 1 reply and that's it. I don't get it, but w/e I'm done chasing girls for now. No effort on my part unless I get some indicator of interest.

So yeah, I'm just reading up on music theory and practicing my drums and xylophone, so I can blow the lid off the joint for my next audition.

I haven't texted my friend since school ended so I suppose I should do that.

I also spend way too much time watching my favorite baseball team lose over and over . . . and it's late.

Periodic Update:

HPT is coming to KC, were I plan to play a couple of tournaments. I haven't played live poker in ~ 1 year and I've only played 1 live tournament in my life, so I'm not expecting too much at this point

Outside of that, I'm just taking music lessons and practicing for my next audition. I should be ready in ~2 months.

So here's a random time waster thing I do on occasion. I'm a baseball fan and sometimes I'll look up failed major league players. Sometimes I'll just see some random dude's name and I'll ask myself WTF is that? And I'll wonder why they failed, was it because they weren't athletic enough? Too lazy? Something else? I see guys like Juan Pierre, Jon Jay, and it amazes me that guys like that have had successful careers.

I do the same thing with other occupations, I'll wonder why X person is successful in his/her occupation, but y person wasn't successful in the same occupation. I guess it depends on the situation and it's pointless to think about without knowing the people/circumstances but I think it's interesting.

Have you read the Online Dating thread in Other Other Topics? It might help you to understand why you're not getting the responses you'd like.

Great job on killing it at school.

I love that song from lit. Social skills are all practice. I find myself rusty and not being able to check my own micro reactions. Someone could tell I was disapointed and it cost me business.

I strike up conversations with service people a lot for practice. They usually aren't busy and are interested in passing time. Just practice.

I threw off the lady at the terminal because she asked how I was doing and I just asked about a flight. I saved the encounter by thanking her graciously. It's a give and take. For me I look thugish. This is really hard to overcome in many encounters but I Disarm them with humor.

Drums are the hardest instrument for me. I can't coordinate the feet and hands. Its dope youre still at it. What are you auditioning for?

Tyvm

Yes, good point about practicing small talk with service people. I did that with a couple of girls, one who worked at Target and another at a library I frequent. They both showed interest in me, but I'm kind of an idiot.

I'm auditioning to continue taking music classes @ this university I'm going to.

Also, thought I should say that I read your blog occasionally and I think it's interesting.

Another intermittent blog post. These are difficult for me to write because I'm not a good writer and I have social anxiety; as a result I naturally filter some stuff. I felt it was time I talked about this though. I have major depression. I usually don't tell people because they act different around you, tell one person and then you are known as "the guy with depression". That might not be true every time or most of the time, but that's the scenario that runs through my head. I also hate those sad puppy dog looks people sometimes give me; it's like some people just know without me saying anything.

The modern system for treating depression is an absolute joke. These doctors go through medical school and the best they can do for you is prescribe you some dope anti-depressant. For someone who has been on many anti-depressants for 6 months at most at a time (never again), they do not work, at least not the way they would have you believe. They did quiet my negative thoughts, but I was still depressed. It was like I was trapped inside my own body, living a lie. Not to mention the side effects are awful: racing heartbeat, dry mouth/throat, tired all the time. Those are the minor side-effects. Once I had a random gushing of blood from my nose. On another anti-depressant, I had severe pain in my legs and groin so I laid down on my bed and then I had what I guess was a seizure, where I just blacked-out. Only time in my life something like that has happened to me.

There are many things wrong with our society. The fact there are so many depressed people and you have someone committing mass murder every one or two months should be obvious signs. I have some ideas on what those problems are, but of course I don't have all the answers. We need to fix those problems if we want to change things. How sad it is that I'm the only person I've heard discuss this! Of course, it is unlikely to ever happen since a lot of the changes would cause major shakeups in our society. It's easier just to ignore the problem and go with the flow. Which means we should expect the status quo.

I would like to make a PSA: aliens are real. They are out there hovering around and observing. I saw a UFO myself in 2012. This was back when I was really depressed, so I would try and go running as often as possible so I could get some serotonin. Often times, that would occur late at night or early in the morning. I was really dedicated, as it was a cold night. After I went back to the parking lot near the track I, I saw a UFO in the air about the same distance as a low flying airplane, maybe a little less. It had two metallic frisbee like objects connected, one facing up, one facing down, and a small gray observation dome. I did not see any alien creatures in the UFO. It barely made a sound and simply drifted along.

So I thought I should write an update. As you can probably already tell, I only update when I feel like it luckily (or unluckily) for you, this happens to be one of those times. I've got a few things I want to get off my chest and I will post them each individually (and annoyingly) because I want to (can you feel my powah, can you feel it?) and am able.

So that whole Music Tech audition thing... I chose to go another route because I was talking to a former music teacher who worked in that field and everything he was telling me about it was discouraging. For example, he told me it was hard to find jobs in that field, every job you get is through networking, have to find another job most likely just to make a living, etc. Pretty disappointing but could've been much worse, only 1 & a summer wasted rather than 3 years a lot of $ and then the likely struggle after that. Starving artist indeed.

What I don't get is why people with depression or other mental health problems are so stigmatized. Especially with a problem like depression... which a lot of people have that they can't control. For a long time I've been ashamed of having depression, but why should I be? Because society says I should? Don't get me wrong, I'm not proud of it, but I shouldn't be ashamed either because I had no control over the circumstances that led to me getting depression. Those circumstances being constantly that I was constantly made fun of in high school and in my adult life not having any quality relationships with people. Most people's internal regulators would have already kicked in by now and not shared their big problems with the internet. But I am not ashamed. I know I am a good person, it is not the lack of a quality character that has led me to being a loner. Honestly I don't know why exactly, it could be a lot of things. I could be trying to befriend the wrong types of people. For example, from my anecdotal experience, I have noticed that the popularity of the person you are trying to befriend is proportional to how much they value you as a person and potential friend. In simpler terms, popular people have more options and they likely won't want to be your friend unless you 'prove your worth' or such. Who are some of the most popular people? Attractive girls. I've tried to be friends with 3 of them, and none of them gave a damn about me. Of course, hardly conclusive evidence, but I think intuitively that I reached the correct conclusion. Maybe you've had similar experiences in your own life.

The main reason I updated was that I wanted to tell you about this calling I have experienced. I almost never get a 'calling' in my life, so when I do, I tend to put a lot of weight into it. This idea came to me right as I was in my bed trying to sleep.

I want to go back to my old high school and give a speech on bullying. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but I honestly hated that school. I figure if I can help prevent one student from going through what I went through then it will be worth it. The only problem is that I was kicked out of that high school my senior year and sort of banned which was 11 years ago. I'm hoping that they'll let me give a speech, but if not I will find a high school that will let me.

We all have a little crazy in us, how sane we are deemed is how well we are able to control it.

This is a great idea! If you go through with this, then prepare yourself thoroughly. I'm sure there are organizations, online groups etc. that would want to help you.

Thanks for the suggestion. I did end up talking to someone at the school and they said I would have to talk to the principal during the summer when they make their schedules for next year. I didn't tell them who I was but the old principal and vice principal who banned me are long gone, so maybe there's a chance they will agree to it. My "criminal record" since then is a grand total of one speeding ticket, so I don't know if that scores me any brownie points at all. With all that said, doing this speech is not my top priority, although it's something I would like to do. Much more focused on self improvement stuff and figuring out what my future occupation will be, and occasionally playing poker.

In case anybody cares here's an update on how my last session went:

-$138 @ 1/3

I thought I played well, just ran poorly.

There weren't that many noteworthy hands but i'll post the ones I can remember.


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Straddled to 6 on the button, 3 calls, I raise KJ in the HJ to 30, only BU loose fishy player calls. HU to the flop.

$84-rake
K82

I bet ~$40 and he goes all in for like $150-200 more. Tough spot, but this guy is so loose & a poor player that he probably has a lot of weaker kings as well as Acx hands. So I call. He has K6 and I win.
---

This was one of the last hands I played. UTG Straddle to $6, I raise to $20 with AQ, player on my direct left flats (I can tell he is unsure about his hand), player on his direct left shoves all in for ~$100, everybody else folds, I re-raise to isolate, other player folds. The guy who shoved all in shows 43 and wins. There went my profit on the session. Not the result I wanted, but I'll take plays like that all day.

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Last (somewhat) interesting hand, I raise TT to $15 UTG 9 handed get called by two loose action players, BU who is a white grinder age 30-39 reraises to $65. I started with approx $300 and he covers. Can't really flat here and set mine because I'm not getting the right odds against the button and one of the other players doesn't have a full stack. I'm ranging the BU on AK, QQ+ (possibly JJ). So I'm behind that range and fold. The other two players call as he probably expected, and he ends up winning w/ AKo after flopping a K and the short stacked called it with bad odds chasing a gutter.

SO, my last poker session went pretty well. I won $656 despite making a couple of very simple mistakes. I'm still rusty. According to my records which only go back 3 years, that is my biggest winning session, although I've only recorded 28 sessions in 3 years. I plan to start grinding a lot more this year considering my current status and how poorly I see people play.

This girl who works at the casino was also clearly pretty interested in me, so I got her # and scheduled a date with her. I've also been texting her and it's going pretty well. I'm pretty inexperienced at dating so I've been some articles on this website which is designed to help guys get girls. Link is in the spoiler, I'll just tell you right now: it's the nuts.


Something powerful has happened to me recently, I've shifted my paradigm of basing my emotional state what people think about me to only worrying about what I can control and trying to learn what mistakes I'm making and learning from them. I have a lot less negative thoughts than I used to have and when I do get them, I ignore them because I know what they lead to and that's not what I want.

It's kind of funny, my session before last I won ~ a $600 pot on my last hand of the night. I was stuck about $500 at that point and if I lost that pot I would've been stuck $700, as I had ~$200 at that point and I won a 3 way all in w/ K76 w/ T9 calling an all in bet with good odds despite the action indicating at least one of my opponents had a set. They both had sets which actually improves my equity. So I river an 8 for the winning straight, but the point is that if I had lost that pot, a year or more ago I would've been devastated and severely depressed for the whole night and probably longer, but I don't believe I would've been if I had lost that pot. Amazing what a change to a more positive mindset can do for you.

Shout out to the following people out of the poker world for their great content:

Chase Amante &
Stephen Covey &

...And the following people in the poker world for their great content:
Bart Hanson &
Jaman Burton
Jeff Boski?
Jonathan Little
Splitsuit

I'm pretty sure I'm breaking every rule in the dating code book but she doesn't seem to mind