Damn Girl u can write!
And u got it together!
Congratulations on the new life, u earned it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GxITLJ0aA34

I think the below 2 are common issues or they have been with me anyway I don't do the whole running away thing I just learned to get tough when I was young but agree with the whole pushing away people thing. I still have issues with this.

It's interesting to me that you seem to be most at peace when you spend time alone. I am very much the same that said I think for different reasons. A lot (the majority) of people in my life are there due to certain actions or paths I have chosen. Some of my best friends are criminals / drug users / drug dealers etc. This makes it very hard to get away from certain situations. I also feel a lot mentally stronger / have more resolve when alone which is sort of a given I guess.

It does not help when sometimes you have to cut out / keep distance from those who are the closest to you for your own personal reasons

I envy people that can just pick up and leave and make a new start. If I could do this or had that opportunity I think I would be a very different person now. However for personal reasons this will never be an option.

I think acknowledging what you have done to others or how you have made them feel is important but should not also be something you punish yourself for (although I know thats hard). I think the big thing here is to learn from these events / feelings which I think ultimately is what you are doing now so congrats.

Kinda posting this for 2 reasons - cause now it was on my mind and also I guess to show that I think these are pretty common things you are going through.

Hope everything is going well by the way seems like you are making progress which is great

I believe that pushing people away is a form of running away. It's been a tactic that I've personally used to avoid change, whether it was a change that I wanted or did not want. Removing those people from my life was just easier than dealing with whatever it was they were confronting me with. Sometimes it was I just didn't feel capable of making any kind of change, and certain people gave me the desire to change. Without them, there was no desire to change, for better or worse.

When I spend my time alone I find that I can be more honest with myself and how I feel about certain things. Over the last few months I have discovered that a lot of the actions I have taken were because of feeling obligated to one thing or another. This feeling of obligation became a habit of mine. I would do things for other people, completely neglecting my own needs so as to be able to maintain a certain level of delusional comfort. I remained in relationships with selfish people, and maintained friendships with overly selfish people. Selfishness to me is when someone is most focused on how things are making them feel. This could be focusing on the opinions of others, or only on how what is happening is affecting them. I myself am selfish, yet now this is something I am continuously working on.

When I decided I wanted to change my life, I had many best friends that were involved in things I no longer wished to do. Distancing myself from them was extremely difficult as I cared for them, yet it was just as important that I separated myself from those who were not beneficial to my recovery. I have remained friends with those who were my friends for more reasons than just my lifestyle, but there were many friends that faded out of my life when I decided to change. I know now that they were never really friends, only very close acquaintances. I do miss some of them, but the friends I have now are more meaningful to me because I choose them more carefully.

Opportunities arise when we take action to create those opportunities for ourselves. To have faith in our own ability to be more than what we are, creates the ability to see the way to be more. No one can help us if we do not wish to help ourselves. In that way, we are often seemingly hopeless...

By acknowledging our part, we are able to free ourselves from our anger and resentment so that we can learn to be free of the fears they create.

I appreciate your words, and wish you the best as well <3

I am VERY much like this. It is a cycle I am continually repeating.

This is pretty much what I am going through now. I still have close friends not related to previously mentioned avenues or career choices but I often struggle after a period with the whole being alone part. It is easy and great at the start especially from a reflection standpoint but quickly gets old.

You are right I recently finally (last week) started study/training for a career I have said I would do for a long time. I haven't worked a normal job in a long time between poker / other avenues I have always had an income, I think that was half the problem. It's nice being productive and working towards something again. I cannot stress this enough.

Anyway this blog isn't about me. Keep up the awesome work and amazing posts. I'll definitely be around and following.

Amanda when you get some spare time seriously look into song writing.
So many of your posts are very life living poetic and often make me think of songs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20W4slP2PGg

<3

So today is thanksgiving, a day to count your blessings and celebrate with close family and friends. For me, it's just another day that I'm grateful for my sobriety and the changes I've made in my life for the better.

I've been in a bit of an emotional slump in recent weeks, but things seem to be turning around for me in that respect

I'm off to play a tournament at bestbet, so here's to happy holidays!

I've been carefully re-learning to be grateful on a regular basis, it's too easy to feel entitled to whatever while forgetting how wonder our small moment of time on this planet is!

You're doing great!

Thank you very much! Hope you're doing well <3

So did you bink the donkament or what lol?

Lol nah, I've been on the wrong side of variance this last week or so :P got short and had to shove atc in bb which wound up being Q6 flipping with K9 I fired 3 bullets in the 50k, 2 of them I ran QQ into KK and the third I shoved 10bb on the button with KTo and got 2 callers, one was AJo :P Ran so bad on the third bullet the dealer dealt me aces but flipped one up haha Down a few buyins in 2/5 too running pretty much the same so I'm taking a few days off at the moment to collect myself <3 oh pokerz

Hahaha I think 80%+ of the time I have had a card flipped it has been one I wanted. Why don't they ever flip the **** cards.

Sorry to hear you are running bad. I'm sure that will change. A few days off always helps.

GL

Lol right right :P

Tyty and I'm sure it'll turn around Gl to you too

less lazy moar writing, please

we've all had them, describe your emotional slump

whenever I'm going through big changes it seems like its always a rush and then sort of plateau's. Always asking myself, 'is this who i am' 'is this what i want'. It's like my subconscious needs to catch up with how i've been living just to make sure its all good

stay positive blazin!

Ahh you caught me :P Been in a super lazy mode of living recently

This emotional slump I've been in has probably been the cause of my laziness, allowing me to wallow in self-pity and such.

Having now, on the 29th of November, reached 4 months of complete sobriety, I've become... situated in my recovery. At times it's as if my days of using and causing disastrous situations for myself are only a bad nightmare, nothing more. Yet this is something I know to not be true. I know in the back of my head, as well as in previous posts I've made here, that it was all too real..

The things I have done in the past have begun to hold a more prevalent position in my mind, causing great amounts of fear and worry within myself.

To me, it seems as though all of the harms from my past are attempting to sneak up on me. I begin to doubt my ability to persevere through this downswing, and to those who are unaware, it is the first downswing I have encountered since being sober. It's silly really, we all know the cards will fall where they may, and there isn't much we can do since it is not "we" who control the show. So here I am, trying to figure out how I can fix something I know I can not fix. I begin to feel desperate..

Here comes the doubt in my ability to refrain from drugs and alcohol. For good reason I believe that I should be worried, and yet I find myself trying to rid myself of this fear for an even better reason. I have little control over the way things happen in my life, and at times I will have little control over the disappointment of unwanted things happening. I am muddled in confusion, what am I to do?

This is when the shunned existence of hopelessness tries to creep it's way back into my soul.

Back down the rabbit hole of loneliness and despondency. Oh look, melancholy decides to tag along! Filling my mind with disturbing "What if" and "Why me" theories, I recede into myself. What a party we have now!

This can't be right... No, not at all. Where do I go from here?

Alas, the party is busted.

Somewhere I find that I must accept these feelings for what they are, rather than allow them to beset my life with difficulties.

This revelation came out of self loathing and disappointment. At some point I found the humor in it all. Allowing myself to be free of that fear and anger was oh so subtle, a more than welcomed reprieve.

I stand up, and dust myself off with quiet satisfaction. I made it through another day, stronger than when I started.

How exhilarating it is to be able to come out of a slump such as this. To regain my composure when all was thought to be lost.

It seems so simple, yet changing your perspective when there are feelings involved can at times be futile. These are the times when I feel I must reach out for help, and continuously look for flaws in the way I am thinking.

Life isn't supposed to be so sad. There is no reason to hold onto those feelings of sadness, coddled up in a self deprecating fashion so as to satisfy the needs of my despair.

It's another step towards living a better life, learning to come back from hopelessness... Something I don't think I could have done in the past. I certainly would have gotten lost along the way before. I find comfort in knowing that I no longer have to live in the past. I am better learning how to handle these situations which use to baffle me, so when my mind begins to slip and reminisce, I have a way to redirect my attention back to today.

I'm still not perfect, but I think I'm making progress

keeping perspective is so important!

Youre in month 4 of being sober; ya thats just one small step towards a year and a lifetime beyond that, but thinking like that can be daunting. Recognize the good fight that youre putting in daily. that's the strength that's gotten you to 4 months. the drive inside you is what matters, you are who you are today and nobody can take it away from you.

shame is funny in how it motivates us to improve and brings us down at the same time but youre moving beyond living in that self doubt. i think you understand that reconciling the past is just a part of the process of moving forward. yes you were that person, and much of that still feels familiar, but when you wake up and feel that exhilarating rush you know that you've moved on and youre emotionally capable of being somebody else. Now you can draw on the weaknesses of your past self to use as strength today!

You're not the type that will ever completely forget, it's alright if you don't. The pain from what you feel makes you a better, stronger, person. I can see it in your writing. You should be proud that youre overcoming your own vulnerabilities, most people never even begin the process. Yes sometimes we can only see and feel what's right in front of us, but don't forget that its inspirational to see someone succeed like you are.

Tourney's are the last thing to play for an emotional lift.
I know have been trying to bink one for years.
There is always golf since your in Florida. I often use this when
the tourneys and life have got me down!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcnFbCCgTo4

Maintaining a positive perspective on things is certainly of the utmost importance, though sometimes this can be quite difficult. I imagine that the struggle is ubiquitous, and that there are certain situations that occur where perception is determined through biased opinions derived from expectations of one thing or another.

With that being said, I try my best to decipher the happenings within myself to the best of my ability, in the most positive way. At times I must consult with persons outside of myself to be able to see these things that I am blind to, such as "the bright side" of bad situations.

It is quite ironic, the way adversity can turn into our biggest strength and motivation. This is something I feel I have a never ending reserve of. The trials of my past are a great source of power for me, something I draw from in order to remain forthright during my daily life.

I also find that being an inspiration to others truly inspires me to continue doing all that I can to remain on the positive side of perspective. The amount of support I have gives me a reason to hold myself accountable, without which I do not know where I would be.

I appreciate your words, thank you

Lol you know, I haven't played golf before but I do enjoy watching it maybe I'll make some birdies and cheer myself up :P

I'd be more frustrated trying to make a birdie than cashing in a tourney ;-)

It would be like a poker tilt displacement test :P

I definitely get my moneys worth when I golf. I see the whole course, lol.

So I'm back at bestbet playing 2/5, the first table I'm on I get stacked about an hour in flopping top set on a 3d4h6d board to 25 and 58 lol I limped on the button to set mine. Took it pretty well, and decided to table change and buy in for $400 since the first buy in was $300. I get 66 in HJ this time, limp and flop comes 456hh (lol) blind leads for $10, I call, turn Ac, he checks I bet $25 he calls so river come Tx and he checks and I'm good. Told him I just got stacked with that hand and he tells me he thought he flopped a straight. Oh pokerz <3

Oh on that first hand turn was 7 and river was J

Poker content is back!

Limping to set mine though?